1st Edition

The

I.R.D.A.
In conjunction with the
United Raptor Widows Fund
Presents

The Guide to
Raptor Violence
Prevention & Defense
Written by Max R. Roberts
and
Michael T. Wood
 Dedicated to
Dr. Alan Grant, Ph.D.
for his monumental efforts aiding
the cause of Raptor education and awareness.

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 What is the I.R.D.A.?

The International Raptor Defense Alliance, or I.R.D.A., is a not-for-profit

organization founded by dinosaur researchers and enthusiasts Max R. Roberts

and Michael T. Wood in the interest of diffusing information to the public

educating about the dangers Raptors pose

to humanity, methods of defending against

attacks, and ways to prevent altercations

between Raptors and humans. In

conjunction with the United Raptor

Widows Fund, a charity organization that

provides support to women widowed due

to Raptor attacks, the I.R.D.A. has compiled this guide in an effort to reduce

Raptor Attack fatalities, which are the second leading cause of death

worldwide, directly following heart disease (it should be noted that the

numbers for heart disease do not separate the considerable number of heart

attacks caused by Raptors, and if these numbers were included in the Raptor

fatality count, the Raptor numbers would be much higher).

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 Part 1: Know The Enemy

1.1 Physical Characteristics

Dromaeosaurids, or Raptors, are a family of bipedal dinosaurs that is

currently responsible for more worldwide fatalities annually than any other

animal. They are characterized by their long stiff tails, long skulls, upturned

snouts, large, sickle-shaped toe claws, and an unusual desire to kill humans

(See Fig. 1.1). Raptors come in sizes ranging from approximately .5m to 2m.

Figure 1.1

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1.2 Types of Raptors

Raptors come in many shapes and sizes, but all share an overwhelming

desire to hunt and devour humans. Many varieties of Raptors have been

identified, such as:

• Acillobator • Neuquenraptor

• Adasaurus • Pyroraptor

• Atrociraptor • Sauronitholestes

• Bambiraptor • Sinornithosaurus

• Buitreraptor • Shanang

• Cryptovolans • Tsaagan

• Deinonychus • Unenlagia

• Dromaeosaurus • Utaraptor

• Graciliraptor • Variaraptor

• Microraptor • Velociraptor

Keep in mind that these are only the Raptors that have been identified; many

more varieties may exist which have simply never left any survivors to describe

them.

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1.3 Hunting Behavior

The Raptor hunting method is by far the most effective in the entire

animal kingdom. The Raptor strategy is so effective that other carnivores have

been observed watching and studying raptor techniques in order to increase

the effectiveness of their own hunt. Raptors hunt in

packs in order to ambush prey, and are known to form

equilateral triangles around their quarries (See Fig. 1.2)

Traditionally, one Raptor will expose itself visually to its

Figure 2.2
prey to distract the human’s attention (Raptor A). While the prey is focused

on the exposed Raptor, it will suddenly be attacked by the two Raptors hiding

in the brush that he didn’t even know were there (Raptors B and C). Raptors in

hiding are indistinguishable from their surroundings (see left). However,

sometimes Raptors will hunt solo. They know that humans are aware of their

pack hunting, and they enjoy seeing the look of surprised terror on a human’s

face as the exposed Raptor (A) suddenly turns and leaps directly at the prey. It

is this sadistic sense of humor that ultimately makes the Raptor the most

dangerous predator on Earth.

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1.4 Intelligence

The Raptor is by far the most cunning of any predator on the planet.

Raptors have been known to understand human speech, open doors, operate

simple vehicles, and even imitate human vocalizations to lure hiding prey into

the open. The Raptor brain, as illustrated in figure 1.3, is much larger in

proportion to its body than any other dinosaur. Also apparent in Fig. 1.3 is the

Raptor’s oversized Evil lobes, which provides a biological basis for its

propensity for malicious acts.

Figure 3.3

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1.5 Personality

The personality of the Raptor is characterized by fierce loyalty to its own

kind and a deep-seeded resentment towards humans in general. Raptors

typically spend their days scheming, plotting, and planning the downfall of all

things homo sapiens. Many myths have circulated about the presence or lack

of emotion in the Raptor personality; these are addressed in Part 3. Several

foolhardy psychologists have attempted to formally test a number of captive

Raptors, but all of these attempted studies of the Raptor psyche have resulted

in maulings, disembowelments, and/or devourings. Therefore, all of the

assumptions made about the Raptor personality are deduced from observing

their behaviors. As a whole, Raptors tend to be aggressive, antagonistic,

vindictive, malicious, malevolent, pernicious, opinionated, spiteful, pugnacious,

quarrelsome, rancorous, egocentric, wrathful, offensive, villainous, sarcastic,

sinister, xenophobic, belligerent, loathsome, obscene, duplicitous, and

altogether unpleasant. Perhaps because of this it is lucky that no one close to a

Raptor ever lives long enough to engage in a conversation with one.

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1.6 Territory

The Raptor territory is wide-ranging, and Raptors are fiercely territorial,

so humans are advised to avoid the areas most frequented by Raptors as much

as possible. Studies into Raptor territorialism have produced the Penbrooke-

Wigfield Scale, named for naturalists Dr. Nigel Penbrooke and Prof. Ernst

Wigfield, who greatly advanced research into the territorial characteristics of

Raptors. Sadly, both men were killed in the line of duty after greatly

underestimating the speed at which a sleeping Raptor can awaken and attack.

The P-W Scale takes geographical and numerical information and feeds both

into a complex algorithm, producing another numerical value, which is

assigned a color denoting risk of an attack in the region. This data, now

compiled for every square inch of the Earth, is represented in figure 1.4.

Figure 4.4

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 Part 2: Defend Yourself

2.1 Defending Yourself at Home

Your home is ultimately the best place to be in the event of a Raptor

encounter. However, inadequately fortified homes will only become an

impediment to the Raptors. Properly secured homes

will be able to repel them completely. First, the main

point of entry, the door, should be the most heavily

secured. Heavy Metal doors with strong hinges are

Figure 2.1
preferable, but thick wooden ones are less costly, more aesthetically pleasing,

and work just about as well (Fig. 2.1) Windows should be as small and high as

possible, and all should be secured with double-paned

storm windows and heavy iron or steel bars. The bars

should be spaced closer together than the width of the

average Raptor’s head. An ideal window grille is depicted

Figure 2.2
in figure 2.2. Make sure to keep your home well stocked with gas,

food, water, and medical supplies in case you are fortified in your home for

extended periods of time. Also keep your home stocked with armaments in

case Raptors breach your barricade and you are forced to fight them off.

Suitable armaments include guns, axes, bows and arrows, tire irons, swords,

soldering irons, golf clubs, knives, cricket/baseball bats or boiling oil.

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2.2 Defending Yourself in an Automobile

Generally, an automobile is not the ideal place to be to protect one’s

self from Raptors, but it is better than nothing. If options are available, secure a

sport utility vehicle or a truck with a large cab, as these vehicles tend to be

more sturdily built. If none are available, a sedan, station wagon, or van is the

best defense. Sports cars and luxury cars are only to be used as a last resort,

as they are the lightest and least secure of any automobile. Upon entering the

automobile, the most important thing to do is lock the doors. Many people

forget this vital information and are killed when the Raptor easily opens the

door by the handle. After the locks are secured, make sure accessories like

moon roofs are closed and locked, and lie down on the floor as far away from

windows as you can. If possible, move under the seats, but only if there is

enough room for you to quickly escape if the vehicle is breached. If you are in

possession of the keys to the vehicle you have barricaded yourself in, only

attempt to drive away if there are less than three Raptors. Any more and you

risk a window breach as you sit in the driver’s seat. If there are three or more

Raptors and you have keys, only turn on the car if there is a serious risk of

heatstroke or hypothermia. Keeping the battery charged and the tank full of

gas is imperative if you intend to try and drive away at a later time. Be sure to

scout out the vehicle for supplies and defensive armaments that might be useful.

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 2.4 Defending Yourself in the Water

The water, surprisingly, is an area for Raptor encounters with a

substantial survival rate: 26%! Because a Raptor’s tail is stiff, the Raptor is

unable to lash it from side to side the way a crocodile would. The tail remains

straight out from the Raptor’s body, offering no propulsion, so the Raptor is

forced to doggy-paddle through the water with its legs and forearms. In

addition, the swimming Raptor isn’t maneuverable at all, again, thanks to the

stiff tail creating drag as the beast tries to turn. It is for this

reason that the most effective way to escape a Raptor in the

water is to swim in a sort of irregular zigzag pattern, forcing

the Raptor to constantly adjust his angle (fig 2.3). Because the

Raptor knows that he is not adept at swimming, Raptors

depend on the element of surprise to

attack while lurking in various bodies

of water. Here, they use their natural

coloring and patience to leap forth

Figure 2.3

from small water plants, like in figure 2.4, and due to

Figure 2.4

this camouflage, they more dangerous in the water while hidden, but easier to

elude once the Raptor is no longer concealed.

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 2.5 Defending Yourself in the Open (Parks, streets, fields, et cetera)

Generally speaking, being out in the open with no structures or vehicles

to barricade yourself in is the worst possible place to be. Seriously. Why were

you there in the first place? You’d be in better shape in open water with a

Raptor. Oh well, if you find yourself in this situation, there are some things you

can do to help keep all of your limbs in tact, although the chances of survival

are slim. First, scout the area and move towards high ground. Avoid tall grass

at all costs. Tall grass is a Raptor’s

favorite place to stalk prey, for reasons

illustrated in figure 2.5. If possible, move

to the tallest, most isolated tree in the

area and climb as far up as you can.

Figure 2.5 This is a picture Raptors have difficulty climbing isolated

of a Raptor hunting
trees, and the high vantage point will allow you

to see Raptors approaching. If you are in a cluster of trees, the Raptors may be

able to scale them by leaping off of other trees and into yours; therefore,

isolated, elevated trees are a must. Once in the tree, there isn’t really much

you can do, except wait for the Raptors to leave. Raptors are very patient, so

this may take a while. Try and find a tree with some sort of non-toxic fruit to

sustain yourself during the lengthy waiting period.

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 Part 3: Frequently Asked Questions

•Do Raptors fear fire?

No. This is a preposterous notion. Raptors do not know fear.

•Aren’t Raptors extinct?

That’s just what they want you to think.

•Can Raptors open doorknobs?

Of course they can. An animal with more than 50 million years of

experience cannot be stopped by something as simple as a doorknob. The only

way this would possibly slow a Raptor down is if the Raptor was alone, as the

lack of thumbs would make it slightly difficult to operate the mechanism.

However, Raptors are highly adept at working together, so doorknobs are no

problem at all if the Raptor has a partner or two, which they most often will, as

they are pack hunters.

•Are Raptors just emotionless killing machines?

No, Raptors experience a wide range of emotions: hatred, disdain,

loathing, revulsion, spite, contempt, malice, enmity, disgust, aggression, and

general undirected animosity. The killing machine part is pretty much on the

money, though.

•Is there such a thing as “Raptor Season?”

Yes. Raptor Season is all the time.

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•Is 10 m/s a Raptor’s top speed?

Undetermined. 10 meters per second is simply the speed at which

Raptors choose to pursue humans. After all, the average human can only run

about 6 or 7 meters per second, so why would a Raptor need to run any

faster?

•Isn’t it true that Raptors actually have feathers?

This is partially true. A small number of Raptors, like the one in figure

3.1, choose to wear feathers to fool humans.

These clever beasts attempt to trick humans into

mistaking them for large birds, or to appear less

threatening to infants and children. However,

most Raptors think feathers look pretty dumb

and choose not to wear them.

•T. Rex is the best dinosaur ever!!

Figure 3.1
That is a statement, not a question.

•Okay, isn’t the T. Rex the most fearsome dinosaur ever?

No. Raptors are. They simply allow T. Rex to bask in the spotlight

because they choose to be more secretive about their dinosaurian supremacy.

Also, even they have to admit that T. Rex is pretty fearsome, just not as

fearsome as they are.

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Special thanks to:

• Randall Munroe of XKCD Comics, for inspiring this Guide, which will

aid countless numbers against the impending Raptor threat.

• Dr. Michael Crichton, for educating the public about Raptors and the

dangers they pose to humanity in such novels as Jurassic Park and The Lost

World.

• Dr. Henry Fairfield Osborn, for discovering and naming the most

famous dromaeosaurid, Velociraptor.

• The United Raptor Widows Fund, whose charitable contributions help

heal the wounds Raptors have torn into families all over the word.

• And to everyone who has given their life in the name of Raptor

research – you will be missed.

** Please note, the authors of this guide accept no responsibility if the methods

described herein fail to adequately defend you whilst you are attacked by a raptor.

In actuality, no true raptor defense exists.

If confronted by one, you will probably die.**

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