Assertive Communication

Do you have trouble saying no, even when you really should? Do you feel like people walk all over you? Do you have trouble keeping your temper under control? If you answered yes to any of the above questions, you might find it really helpful to learn about assertive communication. Read on

I. What is Assertiveness?
Assertiveness is the ability to honestly express your opinions, feelings, attitudes, and rights, without undue anxiety, in a way that doesn't infringe on the rights of others.
It's not aggressiveness, it's a middle ground between being a bully and a doormat. It's dependent on a feeling of self-efficacy, a sense that if you behave in a certain

way, something predictable will occur.

Where does non-assertive behavior come from? Many of us are taught that we

should always please and/or defer to others, that it is not nice to consider our own needs above those of others, or that we shouldn't "make waves", that if someone says or does something that we don't like, we should just be quiet and try to stay away from that person in the future.

II. Why is Assertiveness Important?

If you don't know how to be assertive, you might experience - Depression. From anger turned inward, a sense of being helpless, hopeless, with no

control over your life.

Resentment. Anger at others for manipulating or taking advantage of me. Frustration. How could I be such a wimp? Why did I let someone victimize me? Temper/violence. If you can't express anger appropriately, it builds up until it blows

.
Anxiety, which leads to avoidance. If you begin to avoid situations or people that you

know will make you uncomfortable, you may miss out on fun activities, job opportunities, relationships, and lots of other good stuff.
Poor relationships of all kinds. Non-assertive people are often unable to express

emotions of any kind, negative OR positive. It's murder for a relationship when the partners can't tell each other what they want and need and how the other person affects them. No one is a mind reader. The same is true for friendships and work relationships.

 Physical complaints. Headaches, ulcers, high blood pressure. We all know what

stress does to our bodies, and assertiveness, when it becomes a habit, is a great stress reliever.
Parenting problems. Kids are born knowing how to test the limits their parents set for

them. If parents aren't assertive and firm, their kids will walk all over them!

A note about selective assertiveness:

Most people find it easier to be assertive in some situations than in others. This makes perfect sense. It's a lot easier to hold your ground with a stranger than with someone you love who might get angry if you express your true feelings. But the more important the relationship is to you, the more important it is to be assertive. Assertive behaviors lead to increased respect from others, their willingness to see you as a person who respects him/herself, a worthwhile person, a more loveable person! Is assertiveness always the best way to go? Before you decide to act assertively in a given situation, you have to decide if you can live with the consequences. Although assertive behavior usually will result in a positive response, some people might react negatively to it. For example, if your boss is completely unreasonable and is known to go ballistic if anyone dares question his orders, even non-aggressive, respectful, assertive behavior might set him off and you could lose your job. If that's your situation, then you may decide you can't afford to be assertive, and learn other stress management techniques. Setting the stage: If you're planning to try assertive behavior, remember that the other person is used to your behaving in a certain way, and may be thrown for a loop or thoroughly confused when you change your communication style. Why not tell the other person up front what you're trying to do? It helps to choose a peaceful moment for this. Then you might say something like "I need to tell you something and I'd like you to hear me out before you comment. I've noticed lately that after we've been working on a project together, I find myself feeling frustrated and overwhelmed. I've been thinking about it and I've realized that I often go along with your ideas, without insisting on considering some of my ideas as well, because I'm afraid of upsetting you. From now on I'm going to try something different. When I start to get those frustrated feelings, I'm going to ask that we stop before making a final decision and be sure we have considered all the options. I know that will be a change for you, but I really think it's fair and I know I'll do a better job and feel better about myself if I can tell you about my ideas." How can anyone argue with that statement?

III. Techniques:
Okay, here's another example of an assertive communication. Read it, and then we'll discuss the different parts of it. "I've noticed that whenever we're preparing to go somewhere, you start rushing me to finish dressing as soon as you're ready, even if it's not yet the time we had planned to leave. I know you get anxious when you're all ready to go and I'm not, but when you do that, I get all flustered and take even more time. By the time we get in the car, we're mad at each other and not much in the mood to have a good time. From now on, let's be sure we know what time we want to leave, and if you're ready before I am, will you please just go to another room and read the paper or watch TV? From now on, if you come into the bedroom or bathroom before it's time to leave and start asking me to hurry up, I'm just going to remind you of the time, ask you to go to another room, and close the door until I'm ready. I know this is going to seem weird at first, but I bet we'll enjoy our outings a lot more over the long run."

A: There are three parts of each assertive intervention:

1.empathy/validation: Try to say something that shows your understanding of the other person's feelings. This shows them that you're not trying to pick a fight, and it takes the wind out of their sails. From the above example, "I know that you get anxious when you're all ready to go and I'm not ." 2.statement of problem: This piece describes your difficulty/dissatisfaction, tells why you need something to change. For example, " but when you do that, I get all flustered and take even more time. By the time we get in the car, we're mad at each other and not much in the mood to have a good time." 3.statement of what you want: This is a specific request for a specific change in the other person's behavior. For example, "From now on, let's be sure we know what time we want to leave, and if you're ready before I am, will you please just go to another room and read the paper or watch TV?"

B: How to be effectively assertive:

Use assertive body language. Face the other person, stand or sit straight, don't use

dismissive gestures, be sure you have a pleasant, but serious facial expression, keep your voice calm and soft, not whiney or abrasive.
Use "I" statements. Keep the focus on the problem you're having, not on accusing or

blaming the other person. Example: "I'd like to be able to tell my stories without interruption." instead of "You're always interrupting my stories!"
Use facts, not judgments. Example: "Your punctuation needs work and your

formatting is inconsistent" instead of "This is sloppy work." or "Did you know that shirt has some spots?" instead of "You're not going out looking like THAT, are you?"
Express ownership of your thoughts, feeling, and opinions. Example: "I get angry

when he breaks his promises." instead of "He makes me angry." or "I believe the best policy is to" instead of "The only sensible thing is to "
Make clear, direct, requests. Don't invite the person to say no. Example: "Will you

please ... ?" instead of "Would you mind ?" or "Why don't you ?"
Special techniques for difficult situations: o Broken record: Keep repeating your point, using a low level, pleasant voice.

Don't get pulled into arguing or trying to explain yourself. This lets you ignore manipulation, baiting, and irrelevant logic. Example: You are taking something back to a store that you know gives refunds, but the clerk first questions your decision, tries to imply that there's something wrong with you because you changed your mind, tells you that she can only give a store credit, etc. Using the broken record, you walk into the store and say "I decided I don't need this and I'd like my money back." Then no matter what the clerk says, you keep repeating "I decided I don't need this and I'd like my money back." If she doesn't get it, simply ask to speak to a manager and say the same thing. Trust me, it works!
o Fogging: This is a way to deflect negative, manipulative criticism. You agree

with some of the fact, but retain the right to choose your behavior.

Example: Mom: "Your skirt is awfully short, don't you think you should wear longer skirts? They're the style now." You: "You're right, skirts are longer now." Agree with as much of the facts as you want to, but dont agree to change your skirt length. Fogging is great for avoiding fights and making people stop criticizing. With significant others, when you need to keep living together, it's best to quietly hear them out, then assertively give your response.
o Content to Process Shift:: This means that you stop talking about the

problem and bring up, instead, how the other person is behaving RIGHT NOW. Use it when someone's not listening or trying to use humor or a distraction to avoid the issue. Example: "You're getting off the point. I'm starting to feel frustrated because I feel like you're not listening."

o Defusing: Letting someone cool down before discussing an issue.

Example: "I can see that you're upset, and I can even understand part of your reaction. Let's talk about this later." Also, if they try to stay with it, you always have the right to walk away.
o Assertive inquiry/stop action: This is similar to the content to process shift.

"Let's hold it for a minute, something isn't working, what just happened?, how did we get into this argument?" This helps to identify the real issue when the argument is actually about something bigger than the immediate topic. Example: "Can you help me with this statistics problem? Man, will you just get off my back? You know how much I have to do today! Why is it such a problem to take 15 minutes to help me with this? You told me last night that you would! I get so tired of you always asking me to do these things right when I'm in the middle of something! Whoa, let's take a break here. How did we get from my stats problem to you being tired of my interruptions?" The real problem is not the stats problem, it's timing. Now that topic is open for discussion and they're becoming aware of how their arguments escalate.
o Summarization: This helps to make sure you're understanding the other

person. Example: "So what you're trying to tell me is ... ."

o Specificity: It's really important to be very clear about what you want done.

This helps prevent distractions. Example: "The thing I really wish is that you'd pick your clothes up off the floor."

IV. Some Final Points:

One of the most common problems in communications is caused by trying to read people's minds or expecting them to read yours. If you want people to respond to your ideas and needs, you have to be able to say what they are, and say it in a way that will make others want to respond nicely. Do you remember the self-efficacy part from the beginning of this

piece? The belief that if you do something in a particular way, you will be effective? Even if you don't believe that now, but you muster your courage and try some of these techniques in situations that are not hugely threatening, the results will probably be so encouraging that you will begin to believe in your effectiveness. If it's really scary to think about being assertive, try it first with people you don't know. Think of someone you know who is assertive and pretend you are that person. Once you become comfortable with assertive behaviors in less threatening situations, you can crank it up a notch and use it all the time. When assertiveness becomes a habit, you will wonder how you ever got along before you started using it. The nicest thing about all of this is that after you've become truly assertive, you probably won't need to use these techniques very much. As people practice assertive communication, you can almost see that little spark of self-respect glimmer, flicker, take hold, and burst into flame. People can sense it when you respect yourself, and they will treat you with respect. And that is the ultimate goal of assertive communication. Here are some very good books about assertiveness: Alberti, Robert E., and Emmons, Michael. Your Perfect Right. Revised edition. San Luis Obispo, CA: IMPACT, 1990. Bower, Sharon, and Bower, Gordon. Asserting Yourself. Reading, Massachusetts: AddisonWesley, 1976. Bramson, Robert M. Coping with Difficult People. New York: Anchor/Doubleday, 1981. Butler, Pamela. Self-assertion for Women. San Francisco, CA: Harper & Row, 1981. Smith, Manual J. When I Say No, I Feel Guilty. New York: The Dial Press, 1975. This handout was created by Vivian Barnette, Ph.D. for the University Counseling Service, The University of Iowa.

COMMUNICATION STYLES
Assertion is a style of communication. We all have learned different styles of communication as we have adapted to the various situations of our lives. If some of our styles of communication do not work well in our current situation, they can be changed and replaced with new behaviors. Though there are times when it is best to be passive and times when it is best to be aggressive, in most situations it works best to communicate assertively. DEFINITIONS (from Lange & Jakubowski) 1. Assertion a. ...standing up for personal rights and expressing thoughts, feelings and beliefs in direct, honest, and appropriate ways that do not violate another persons rights. b. ...The basic message of assertion is: This is what I think. This is what I feel. This is how I see the situation. c. ...The goal of assertion is communication and mutuality; that is, to get and give respect, to ask for fair play, and to leave room for compromise when the rights and needs of two persons conflict.

2. Passivity a. ...violating ones own rights by failing to express honest feelings, thoughts, and beliefs and consequently permitting others to violate oneself or expressing ones thoughts and feelings in such an apologetic, diffident, self-effacing manner that others can easily disregard them. b. ...The basic message of passivity is My feelings dont matter - only yours do. My thoughts arent important - yours are the only ones worth listening to. Im nothing you are superior. c. ...The goal of passivity is to appease others and to avoid conflict at any cost.

3. Aggression a. ...directly standing up for personal rights and expressing thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in a way that is often dishonest, usually inappropriate, and always violates the rights of others. b. ...The basic message of aggression is: This is what I think - youre stupid for believing differently. This is what I want - what you want is not important. This is what I feel - your feelings dont count. c. ...The goal of aggression is domination and winning, forcing the other person to lose. Winning is ensured by humiliating, degrading, belittling, or overpowering other people so that they become weaker or less able to express and defend their needs and rights.

IMPORTANCE OF PROCESS
The major impact of interpersonal communication comes not from what we say (content) but from how we say it (process). Assertive content with passive process will communicate passivity. Some examples of important process variables include: Assertion: Direct but non-invasive eye contact, modulated voice, respect for spatial boundaries, use of illustrative gestures, an erect but relaxed posture. Passive: No eye contact (or indirect evasive eye contact), soft/whiny/or muffled voice, cringing/or physically making yourself small (hang-dog posture), use of nervous or childish gestures. Aggressive: Invasive/angry staring-eye contact, loud strident voice, invasion of spatial boundaries, use of aggressive gestures (parental finger), stiff, muscled up, posture, towering over others.

IDEAS TO KEEP IN MIND

1. Assertive behavior is often confused with aggressive behavior, however, assertion does not involve hurting the other person physically or emotionally.

2. Assertive behavior aims to equalize the balance of power, not to Win the Battle by putting down the other person or rendering them helpless. 3. Assertive behavior includes expressing your legitimate rights as an individual. You have a right to express your own wants, needs, and ideas. 4. Remember: Other individuals have a right to respond to your assertiveness with their own wants, needs, and ideas. 5. An assertive encounter with another individual may involve negotiating an agreeable compromise. 6. By behaving assertively, you open the way for honest relationships with others. 7. Assertive behavior is not only determined by what you say. A major component of the effect of your communication depends on how you say it. 8. Assertive words accompanied by appropriate assertive body language make your message more clear and have more impact. 9. Assertive body language includes: a. Maintaining direct eye contact. b. Maintaining an erect posture. c. Speaking clearly and audibly. d. Not using a soft, whiny, or muffled voice. e. Using facial expressions and gestures to add emphasis to your words. 10. Your communication style is a set of learned behaviors. Assertive behavior is a skill that can be learned and maintained with practice.

ASKING FOR BEHAVIOR CHANGE

One specific type of assertive behavior is a request for behavior change. For example: You may need to ask a room-mate to turn down the stereo so you can study. It is necessary to request that others change behavior that does not work, but it is often difficult for people to make such requests: 1. You have a right to ask for behavior change from others. (They also have the right to refuse.) 2. When you do not ask others to change a problem behavior, you risk allowing the behavior to continue and your relationship to be strained, or waiting until you are fed up and starting a fight. 3. Requests for behavior change protect your rights, at the same time they build clear communication and more effective relationships. 4. When asking for behavior change use an I message format: o WHEN ... (objectively describe the others behavior) o THE EFFECTS ARE ... (describe how the behavior concretely effects you). o I FEEL ... (describe how you feel). o ID PREFER ... (describe an alternate behavior you prefer). o OK? ... (or synonymous request for closure). o You may wish to follow requests for behavior change with statements of logical consequences (If you turn down the radio when I need to study, I will also make an effort to be considerate of your needs). 5. Demonstrate assertive body language when asking for behavior change: direct eye contact, erect posture, clear speech.

Assertion Training

Our Counseling Service offers group and individual assertion training opportunities free of charge to enrolled students. You may also check out books, handouts, and videos on assertive communication from our resource library in 2122 Old Library

Assertiveness can help control stress and anger and improve coping skills for mental illnesses. Recognize and learn assertive behavior and communication.
By Mayo Clinic staff
Being assertive is a core communication skill. Being assertive means that you express yourself effectively and stand up for your point of view, while also respecting the rights of others. Think of it this way: Assertiveness is the sweet spot between being too aggressive and too passive. In addition, being assertive can also help boost self-esteem and earn others' respect.

Some people appear naturally assertive. But if you tend to be more passive, you can learn to be more direct. Or if you tend to be aggressive, you can learn to tone down your communication style.

Why assertive communication makes sense

Because it's based on mutual respect, assertiveness is an effective and diplomatic communication style. Being assertive shows that you respect yourself because you're willing to stand up for your interests and express your thoughts and feelings. It also demonstrates that you're cognizant of the rights of others and willing to work on resolving conflicts.

Of course, it's not just what you say your message but also how you say it that's important. Assertive communication which is direct and respectful gives you the best chance of successfully delivering your message. On the other hand, if you communicate in a way that's passive or aggressive, the content of your message may get lost because people are too busy reacting to your delivery.

Assertive vs. passive behavior

If your style is passive, you may seem to be shy or easygoing. You routinely say things such as, "I'll just go with whatever the group decides." You avoid all conflict. Why's that a problem? Because the message you're sending is that your thoughts and feelings aren't as important as other people's. In essence, you're giving others the license to disregard your wants and needs. Consider this example: You agree when a colleague asks you to take over a project even though your plate is full and the extra works means you'll have to put in overtime and miss your daughter's soccer game.

You may tell yourself that behaving passively simply keeps the peace and prevents conflicts. But what it really does is get in the way of authentic relationships. And worse, it may cause you internal conflict because your needs and those of your family always come second. This internal conflict may lead to:

Stress

Resentment Seething anger Feelings of victimization Desire to exact revenge

Assertive vs. aggressive behavior

If your style is aggressive, you may come across as a bully who disregards the needs, feelings and opinions of others. You may appear self-righteous or superior. Very aggressive people humiliate and intimidate others, and may even be physically threatening.

You may think that being aggressive gets you what you want. However, it comes at a high cost. Aggression undercuts trust and mutual respect. Others may come to resent you, leading them to avoid or oppose you.

Passive-aggressive behavior
If you communicate in a passive-aggressive manner, you may say "yes" when you want to say "no." You may be sarcastic or complain about others behind their backs. You may have developed a passive-aggressive style because you're unable to be direct about your needs and feelings. What are the drawbacks of this style? Over time passive-aggressive behavior damages relationships and undercuts mutual respect.

The benefits of being assertive

Being assertive offers many powerful benefits. It helps you keep people from walking all over you, as the saying goes. On the flip side, it can also help you from steamrolling others.

Behaving assertively can help you:

Gain self-confidence and self-esteem Understand and recognize your feelings Earn respect from others Improve communication Create win-win situations Improve your decision-making skills Create honest relationships Gain more job satisfaction

Some research suggests that being assertive also can help people cope better with many mental health problems, including depression, anorexia, bulimia, social anxiety disorder and schizophrenia.

Learning to be more assertive

People develop different styles of communication based on their life experiences. Your style has probably become so ingrained that you're not even aware of it. Although people tend to stick to the same communication style over time, you can learn to be more flexible in how you communicate.

Here are some tips to help you become more assertive:

Assess your style. Do you voice your opinions or remain silent? Do you say yes to additional work even when your plate is full? Are you quick to judge or blame? Do people seem to dread or fear talking to you?

Use "I" statements. Using "I" statements lets others know what you're thinking without sounding accusatory. For instance, say, "I disagree," rather than, "You're wrong."

Practice saying no. If you have a hard time turning down requests, try saying, "No, I can't do that now." Don't beat around the bush be direct. If an explanation is appropriate, keep it brief.

Rehearse what you want to say. If it's challenging to say what you want or think, practice typical scenarios you encounter. For instance, if you want to ask for a raise, practice what you want to say. Say it out loud. It may help to write it out first. Consider role playing with a friend or colleague and ask for blunt feedback.

Use body language. Communication isn't just verbal. Act confident even if you aren't feeling it. You may find that your body convinces your brain! Keep an upright posture but lean forward a bit. Make regular eye contact. Maintain a neutral or positive facial expression. Don't wring your hands or use dramatic gestures. It can help to practice in front of a mirror.

Keep emotions in check. Conflict is hard for most people. Maybe you get angry or frustrated, or maybe you feel like crying. Although these feelings are normal, they can get in the way of resolving conflict. If you feel too emotional going into a situation, wait a bit if possible. Then, work on remaining calm. Breathe slowly. Keep your voice even and firm.

Start small. At first, practice your new skills in situations that are low risk. For instance, try out your assertiveness on a partner or friend before tackling a difficult situation at work. Evaluate yourself afterward and tweak your approach as necessary.

When you need help being assertive

Remember, learning to be assertive takes time and practice. If you've spent years silencing yourself, becoming more assertive probably won't happen overnight. Or if anger leads you to be too aggressive, you may need to learn some anger management techniques.

If despite your best efforts you're not making progress toward becoming more assertive, consider formal assertiveness training. And if issues such as anger, stress, anxiety or fear are getting in

your way, consider talking with a mental health provider. The payoff will be worth it. By becoming more assertive, you can begin to express your true feelings and needs more easily. You may even find you get more of what you want as a result.

Being Assertive in a Diverse World

Do you want to feel more confident in expressing your opinionsto be able to hold your own in an argument or class discussion? Do you want to be able to express your feelings (whether positive or negative) in a genuine fashion? Or do you want to limit your tendency to lose control and get angry at those who may not deserve it? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may benefit from reading this brochure and learning how to become more assertive.

What is Assertiveness?
Assertiveness is the ability to express yourself openly and honestly while also reflecting a genuine concern for others. It is about having the confidence to be yourself, to be true to your values and beliefs, and to be courageous enough to speak up when needed. Acting assertively can increase your chances for honest relationships, help you to feel better about yourself, and give you a sense of control in everyday situations. However, asserting yourself will not necessarily guarantee you happiness or fair treatment by others. Just because you assert yourself does not mean you will always get what you want. Nonetheless, by developing an ability to express yourself, you may be able to reduce your stress, increase your feelings of self-worth, improve your decision-making abilities, and feel more self-confident in relationships. When confronted with difficult situations, people can sometimes respond passively or aggressively. Passive people tend to be distrustful of their own thoughts and feelings. Therefore, they often think about appropriate comebacks or what I should have said long after the situation has ended. This person often feels inhibited, anxious, and allows others to depreciate their value. Other individuals may respond aggressively to difficult situations. Aggressive individuals express their rights but often at the expense, degradation, or humiliation of others. Consequently, the aggressive person may get what they want, but they may lose the respect of others in the process. Assertiveness falls in between these two responses. And if being assertive does not come naturally, it can feel like being between a rock and a hard place, or what has been bluntly described as a middle ground between being a bully and a doormat (Barnette, 2000). We hope that this brochure demonstrates some of the subtleties and nuances of acting in an assertive manner. This brochure focuses on assertive communication that allows you to express your wishes, thoughts, and feelings in ways that show respect for the others wishes, thoughts and feelings. It also addresses potential barriers to being assertive and how assertiveness may look different across cultures.

Components of Assertive Behavior

There are several important aspects that contribute to assertiveness it involves not only what you say but also how you say it. Keep in mind that there are cultural variations in what is considered appropriate for assertive communication. Many of the components listed below

are embedded in a Western context, where self-assertion is considered valuable in developing more direct and open communication and a greater sense of equality in relationships. We list some cultural considerations in the sections that follow. What To Say There are ways to express the content of your message such that the other individual will be more likely to hear you. Express yourself and your feelings, and take responsibility for them rather than labeling or blaming the other person. You do not need to put someone else down to express yourself. Remember that assertiveness includes the expression of affection as well as feelings of anger or frustration. Specifically: 1. Be as specific and clear as possible about what you want, think, and feel. Vague or tentative statements will likely lead to misinterpretation. The following statements project this preciseness: I feel I dont want to I have mixed reactions. I agree with these aspects for these reasons, but am distressed about these aspects for these reasons. 2. Own your message. Acknowledge that your message comes from your frame of reference and your perceptions. You can acknowledge ownership with personalized (I) statements such as I dont agree with you (as compared to Youre wrong). Blaming statements such as this, rather than a statement of ownership, will likely foster resentment and resistance rather than understanding and cooperation. 3. Ask for feedback and then listen carefully to the other person. Am I being clear? Does that make sense? How do you see this situation? What do you want to do? Asking for feedback can make it clear to the other person that you are expressing an opinion, feeling, or desire rather than a demand. Listening to their feedback and engaging in a discussion can correct any misperceptions either of you have. Encourage others to be clear, direct, and specific in their feedback to you. How to Say It 1. Eye Contact: Looking directly but comfortably at the person to whom youre speaking helps communicate your sincerity and interest. Looking away or staring too intently can be uncomfortable for the other person. 2. Body Posture: Turning towards an individual feels much more personal than turning away or to the side. A slumped, passive stance makes it difficult to stand up for oneself both literally and figuratively. 3. Physical Contact and Distance: Closeness is a nonverbal form of communication that varies greatly across cultures. In western cultures, standing or sitting closely or touching suggests intimacy in a relationship (unless you are in a crowded space). Being too close or too far away may offend someone and have an impact on his or her ability to listen openly to you. 4. Facial Expression and Gestures: Your expression should match your message. When you are angry, the most effective way is to deliver your message with a straight, non-smiling facial expression, not with a big smile and jovial gestures. 5. Voice: A level, even tone of voice is both clear and convincing without being intimidating or ignorable. Consider your tone, inflection, and volume when speaking.

6. Timing: Generally, the best practice is to respond in the moment. It will allow you to focus on your feelings at the time. However, it is never too late to return to a person at a later time to share your feelings about an interaction. 7. Listening: Actively listening and attending to another person is a reflection of assertive listening. It reflects a commitment to understanding and respect for another individuals needs and wishes. It may mean that you avoid expressing yourself right away so that you can fully listen.

Cultural Variations in Assertiveness

The components of assertive behavior listed in this brochure are provided to facilitate appropriately assertive communication in a Western-based cultural setting. And while we hope these tips will enhance your assertiveness while living, socializing, and communicating in U.S. culture, we recognize that there are important variations in interpersonal communication across cultures that impact the what and how of being assertive. For example, traditional Asian cultures value subtlety and indirectness in communication. More direct or confrontational styles may be viewed as disrespectful and lacking in finesse. Nonverbals, an important aspect of communication, may also vary. For instance, individuals from Latino, African/African American, Arab, South American, or French backgrounds may tend to stand much closer together when conversing than do European Americans. In terms of facial expressions, while demonstrating congruence between your inner feelings and outward expressions is generally helpful, it is important to consider that in some cultures (e.g., Japanese and Chinese), restraint of strong emotions such as anger and sadness is considered to be a sign of wisdom and maturity. Tone of voice, too, can show considerable variation. Many Europeans Americans tend to speak more loudly and charismatically than people from Asian countries, but may be considered soft-spoken compared to Arabs. Finally, behaviors used to show that one is listening may also vary by culture. African Americans may not always look at their conversation partner, nod their head, or say uh huh to indicate that they are listening. The take-home message is that what is considered appropriately assertive can vary by culture. Be thoughtful about how your own cultural background and those of others may play a role.

Barriers to Assertiveness
Many people struggle to develop assertiveness because they believe that they do not have the right to be assertive, lack the skills to express themselves effectively, or feel highly anxious or fearful about asserting themselves. They may also struggle due to social and cultural factors. Since assertiveness tends to require a sense of safety and belonging, individuals who feel different or that they cannot be themselves, may be less apt to act in an assertive manner. In other words, when people are afraid or uncomfortable, they often hold back. For instance, individuals who are a member of a cultural minority group (whether ethnic, gender, or sexual orientation) may fear being judged or rejected and thus keep their views or other important parts of themselves hidden. Women, for example, are not taught to directly communicate their wants and needs the same way that men are. And when they do communicate their needs, they are more likely to be viewed as aggressive rather than assertive. Assertiveness thus extends beyond individual skills and into the community. Ultimately, being assertive is about creating an open and accepting environment that welcomes a diversity of styles and perspectives, thereby enabling others to live and act in an authentic, assertive manner.

Examples of an Assertive Student

Scenario 1: Your roommate is driving you up a wallshe never cleans up her messes, she uses your things without asking, and often has her boyfriend over without asking you first. What do you do? Instead of shooting her dirty looks (that dont seem to work) or complaining endlessly to your parents and friends, try talking with her in an assertive manner. Consider the following possibilities: Passive response: Say nothing, but get upset when you clean up her messes. Aggressive response: Youre such a rude person to leave your filthy clothes and dishes all over the place! I wish I had a single room. Assertive response: I was hoping we could talk about keeping our room clean. I get frustrated when you dont do your dishes. Maybe we could come up with a reasonable solution together. Scenario 2: The partner you have been assigned for a group project is frequently late to meetings and doesnt seem to do his share of the work. He just showed up 15 minutes late for your meeting at the library. What do you do? Passive response: Hi, let me show you what Ive been working on so far [while inside youre thinking: once again, Im doing all the work!]. Aggressive response: Late again?! I wish I hadnt gotten paired with someone so irresponsible. Assertive response: Before we start, Id like to talk to you about our meetings. I have been irritated when we dont start on time. We were supposed to meet at 8:30 and now its 9:00. Can we discuss this, so that we can work well together?

Learning to Become More Assertive

As you learn to become more assertive, it may be helpful to work with a therapist, friend, or family member whom you trust. Remember to use your assertive skills selectively. It takes time and practice, as well as a willingness to accept yourself as you make mistakes, to reach the goal of acting assertively. It can be helpful to keep a special notebook and log entries including self-examination, readings, goals, etc., as well as the situations, people, attitudes, behaviors, and obstacles you encounter as you practice expressing yourself. Observe your own behavior, keep track of your progress, and set realistic goals. As you practice your techniques, it is often helpful to have accepting relationships and a supportive environment. People who understand and care about you are your strongest assets. Once again, becoming assertive is a process that unfolds over time, and practice and patience will help you on your journey to become more assertive.

Stand Up for Yourself--Be Assertive!

We are often confronted with situations in which we must stand up for ourselves. The situation may involve a "friend" who continually borrows money. It may be a sister or brother who prevents us from studying by playing music too loudly. It may be a boyfriend or girlfriend wanting us to be something we are not. It may even involve dealing with a teacher who gave us, what we believe, is an incorrect grade on a test or project. When facing such situations, there are generally three ways we may conduct ourselves:

Non-assertively Aggressively Assertively

The way we act at this time often plays a large role in the final outcome. Non-assertiveness is a passive way of dealing with confrontive situations. This type of behavior often results in our allowing others to determine what happens in our lives, producing feelings of helplessness, loneliness, and poor self-concept. We may also be angry and depressed at letting others control us. Non-assertive communication is usually indirect and not completely honest, which traps the thoughts and feelings we have inside us. These unexpressed emotions can lead to stress and its resulting physical problems. Since non-assertiveness is often used when we want a relationship to continue but are unsure about the consequences of standing up for ourselves, it is ironic that non-assertiveness generally leads to interpersonal problems. While one conflict may be avoided, future interactions will be tainted by the lack of direct expression of thoughts and feelings. The other person will inevitably notice something wrong, either by our withdrawal, our sarcasm, or our inappropriate reactions to other incidents, but s/he will not know the real reason for our feelings, and, thus, will be unable to do anything about it. A second method of dealing with such situations is aggression. While aggression certainly expresses our displeasure with a situation, and we may even get our way, it does not show sufficient respect for the rights of others. They may feel devalued or humiliated by the experience and will likely lose respect for, and positive opinions of, us. Such outbursts often lead to feelings of guilt and frustration. Despite controlling the situation, we may have significantly harmed the relationship and may still not have made the other person understand our perspective. Assertiveness may be defined as expressing our own needs, wants, and basic rights as a person without violating the rights of others. It involves open and honest interaction directed at the person to whom it is intended. Assertive behavior shows that we respect others and ourselves, and, in turn, elicits respect from others. It also promotes self-confidence, self-control, and feelings of positive self-worth. In addition, assertiveness is the most effective means for solving interpersonal problems. Since assertive communication is direct, we confront the source of the problems, enabling our message to be heard without distortion. Being open and honest aids in maintaining a good and respectful relationship with the other person, so future dealings will likely be positive. Assertiveness is not a skill with which people are born. To become more assertive, you must first recognize that you have the right to take care of yourself and to sometimes put your needs ahead of others. Then you need to learn and practice assertive thinking and behavior. When practicing to be more assertive, it is helpful to get feedback from someone you trust. It is easy to undermine what we say by our facial expressions and gestures. We may also go to the opposite extreme of behavior (e.g., non-assertive to aggressive) in our attempts. For these reasons, assertiveness training has become quite common in the last several years. Both individually and in groups, the skills of assertiveness can be acquired in a safe and supportive atmosphere.

One source of assertiveness training is the Counseling Center, where Assertiveness groups often run. Arrangements for individual assistance may be made at the Center as well. If you are interested in such training, call the Counseling Center at 301-314-7651, or stop by the Shoemaker Building.