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A Time-travelling Comedy of Eras By Thomas Overbeck Strip-by-Strip Summary Through 1 August 2013 GUIDE TO LIST: (Character Speaking; after first appearance, initials are used with some exceptions) [Time portal year; description of characters/situation; Also used for Storyline Names and special strip names] Narrator Text; if after (to him/her/itself), "thought" text. <Texting/Tweeting; Recorded voice NOT used for Robotic speech> only around the name of the person sending the message. Website text (Facebook, Wikipedia, online news portal) NOTE TO READERS: TLT carries a "Parental Advisory: Occasional Explicit Content" label. This summary list uses what is known as "grawlix" to replace the curse words the "seven words" you can't use on television ($#!+, &!$$, %X, ^+, 0X$X3*, M0+#3*%X3* and +!+$). Except for &$$\/ and @$$#0|3), all others are used as-is. Also some strips are considered "NSFW" (Not Safe For Work), due to the depiction of nudity; they have a [NSFW] tag at the beginning of the strip transcript.

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[How It All Began] [Chapter 1] This is CASSIE WELLS. A whiz kid in her childhood, Cassie finished high school two years early and got her master's degree in physics at the age of 21. While working at a nanotech lab in Dallas, Cassie created a powerful new element that she would later discover can TRAVEL THROUGH TIME! Harnessing the strange new power of this element, and utilizing a gold pendant and an old cell phone, Cassie succeeds in making her very own TIME MACHINE! Now, with her trusted friend Matt, Cassie BRAVELY journeys through the ages in one EXCITING and BREATHTAKING adventure aft... (Cassie) "$#!+... Do they gotta make me sound like a superhero?" (Matt Gahan) "Well, come on, you're the main character here... Soak it in already!" [Cassie returns through the time portal in an "I'm a Pepper" t-shirt] (MG) "So... How was the movie?" (CW) "Oh, it was fun, for a world premiere at least... The place was packed. The theater I went to was fairly new... I was a bit disappointed with the sound, though... It just wasn't really good quality..." (MG) "In other words, you're so used to the 'THX DOLBY-DIGITAL' stuff that it's hard for you to watch Star Wars the way it first came out." (CW) "I mean, come ON, it was 1977... At least put some quadraphonic stereo speakers in the place!!! [1985; first use of the "yellow border"] Matt runs into a street-rapping LL Cool J! "Yo! Your new record is dope, homeboy! Can I get your autograph, dude?" (LL) "Yeah, sure thing, man!" (CW) "Get 'em before they get too famous, eh?" (MG): "He's still a hip hop star AND a movie star. $#!+ NO I couldn't approach him like that now!" [1880] (Thomas Edison) "...Yes, that is a rather intriguing piece, but I doubt that will really help me sell my new invention..." [Matt showing Edison an "iPhonograph + iCylinders" shadow advertisement.] Trick or treat! [Kids dressed up as Sheldon, "The Cheese" and Homestar Runner]; (Mom) "Wow, you got the big 'Hershey' bars!... Hey, wait... What's with the wrappers? They look real old..." (CW) "Um... they're special vintage editions! Got 'em at 'Cracker Barrel'!" (Bethany Gibson first appearance) "I gotta say you have some impressive 'Cover your @$$' skills there, girl..." (CW) "Well, excuse me if candy was cheaper in 1924..." [1209; A target on a tree... and a laser pointer?] [THWIP PIF] (Robin Hood) "`Tis remarkable, Lady Cassandra, but this 'laser pointer' of thine makes me feel like I'm

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cheating..." (CW) "Well, it's still a good way to practice, Sir Robin..." (MG, off screen, reading a book) "Hmmm... That's weird. I've read this book from front to back, and I've never seen this section in it before... ["Crazy Cass Wilson" shoots "Big Joe" Burrows in Wichita?] Um, Cassie? Did you go back to the Old West recently?" (CW, off screen) "Yeah, just last week. Why you ask?" [2032] (TV Anchor, off screen) "And that's the final picture here on election night for the 2032 Presidential race, with California Senator Zack De La Rocha gaining a decisive victory over Vice-President Jenna Bush. [The US now has 52 states Guam and Puerto Rico!] Thanks for joining us, and remember to tune into the Google News Channel for in-depth coverage of the upcoming 2036 Election... starting TOMORROW with LIVE coverage of the Iowa and Arizona Primaries! [Surprised Cassie is surprised!] I'm Kyle Hendricks, good night." [CW walks past BG, who is sitting in a recliner reading a newspaper... then CW, now in an 1980's ESPRIT t-shirt, walks past again with a gasoline container...] (BG) "Off to score some cheap unleaded again?" (CW) "Yep. 1986 beckons." [1843; a tent somewhere in England] (Blonde Englishman, holding a broom in front of a tent) "`ello, Squire. Who was that young lass?" (Top Hat gentleman) "She's a young lady from the States. Just congratulating me for putting on a splendid show." (BE) "Strewth. I never thought word of mouth would get that far." (THG) "She said a couple of local lads traveling abroad told her all about it. She especially liked the trampoline act and the waltzing horse." (BE) "Speaking of which, I've got to go finish cleaning his stable." (THG) "Right, well... If you happen to run into a Mr. Lennon or Mr. McCartney, be sure to convey to them my deepest gratitude!" (BE) "That I will, Mr. Kite!" [1997; McDonald's?] (CW) "Yeah, I'd like a cheeseburger 'Happy Meal' with an iced tea." (Kristi Overbeck in a preThomas cameo) "Okay. Will there be anything else?" (CW) "Um, yeah, what's the 'Beanie Baby' for this week?" (KO) "Lemme check. MARIA! Which 'Beanie Baby' are we selling this week?" (Maria off screen) "We just got the Turtles in, Kristi, start selling those!" (CW) "Oh SWEET! I don't have that one yet!" (KO) "And $1.14 is your change!" (CW) "Thank you so much! I can't wait to add this to my collection!" [Back to 2007] (Redheaded lady first appearance of Maggie) "WOW!!! You got ALL the FIRST EDITION 'Happy Meal Beanie Babies'?!?!" (Wanda name noted in news post) "You're sittin' on a Gold Mine, girlfriend!" (Blonde guy) "All Mint Condition too! Did you get them through eBay?" (CW holding the justpurchased Turtle) "Let's just say I have some real good connections..." [Bethany rolls her eyes at that comment] [1988; a playground where MG and CW are watching a little girl in pony tail running around] (MG, in a Broncos "8" jersey) "Look at her. Still so young, sweet and innocent." (CW) "Yeah..." [One panel pause, then girl runs off to the left screaming] (MG) "So, should I tell her mom what happens once she marries Kevin Fe..." (CW) "NO." (Little Girl aka Britney Spears) "MOMMYYY!!!" (Blonde Kid with freckles aka Kevin Federline punching another kid) "LEAVE BWITNEY ALONE!!!" [2128 BC; Egypt and the Pyramids] [MG singing "Walk Like An Egyptian"] (CW, with BG holding the lamp) "I can't believe I let you do this. I sure hope you didn't piss off any pharaohs or start riots." (CW) "Relax, Cassie, this place wouldn't have any visitors for centuries. Besides..." [offscreen, over a panel of confused archeologists] ..You know how revered and worshipped cats were in Ancient Egypt, right? (Archeologist 1) "So what's it say?" (Archeologist 2)

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"It says 'O Hai... I'm in ur chareeut... chasin away snakez'..." (Archeologist 3) "`Surprize... Butt... Secks'? This can't be right..." [Strip was slightly redone in 2010] (CW) "Maggie! I love the new hairstyle!" (Maggie Harper the woman with a "past" first "official" appearance and she's NOT married) "...never thought I'd get it cut this short, but I decided to donate some hair to 'Locks of Love'!" [Exterior shot Homeless Assistance Center, 40th Annual Thanksgiving Turkey Feast] (CW) "That's the charity that takes your hair and makes wigs for, like, people getting treated for cancer, right?" (MH) "That's the one!" (CW) "Sounds like a good cause. I'd do it if I didn't just spend 50 bucks at the salon last week..." (CW, to herself) Hey, waitasec... I know where I can get a LOT of good hair... [1996 Metallica at the barber!] (Lars Ulrich) "Yeah. Cut it all off. ALL of it." (James Hetfield) "We got a new album coming out and we want a brand new look to go with it!" [Cassie is in the background, with a broom and dustpan] [CW and MG are watching TV; a time portal appears over MG's shoulder...] TAP TAP [MG turns to see the window is gone! and CW is chuckling] (MG) "You sneaky little BITCH." (CW) "Just putting a new twist on an old gag!" [Another slightly altered strip] [First multi-part storyline "Pleased To Meet Me"] (CW, getting MG's answering machine) "Hey, it's Cassie. Where ya at right now? You think you could do me a favor and help me move my couch? Call me back... bye!" (to herself) $#!+... I was hoping I could rearrange the living room today. But Bethany's out of town and who knows where Matt is. I just need some help moving this heavy-ass sleeper sofa, and I could handle the rest... (out loud) "Wait! I just got an idea!" (CW from the FUTURE!) "...And a real clever idea at that!!!" (CW-Now) "Okaaay... I know I just thought this up, but this is still really %Xin' weird..." (Future CW) "Which is why I waited to show up until I... you... WE thought of this idea! See, I'm YOU... an hour from now. I took a short little nap, and then set the timepiece for an hour back. So don't forget to do that. When we're done with the sofa, go in the other room and set the timepiece for 3:30 so you'll... uh... become me." (CW) "Got it. 3:30, other room. [Commence LIFT...] UNGH... You sure we don't need a third me for this?" (FCW) "Naah... I think we can pull this off." (CW) "You know, this definitely gives 'talking to yourself' a whole new meaning." (FCW) "No $#!+" (CW) "Just a little more to the left... easy..." (FCW) "Aaaand... THERE!" (CW) "Phew! That was a chore. But I... we... did it! Now all I gotta do is grab the timepiece and go back to 3:30, right?" (FCW) "Right! Okay. Are we missing anything?" (off-screen) "WHOLE... LEE... $#!+" (CW) "Obviously I missed Matt dropping by while I was still asleep..." (Confused Matt is confused!) "You... and YOU... and uh... WHAT THE F...?!?!" (FCW) "Calm down, Matt, we're one and the same here..." (CW) "Yeah, I didn't think I could reach you today, so I went an hour back in time to help... myself. And in a little bit, I'll be the one going back in time to help me!" (FCW) "Right... And she'll disappear for good, and it'll be just one of me again!" (CW) "So. You follow me?" (MG) "Yyyeah, I think I get the picture." (FCW) "There ya go! See. Haven't you ever thought of what you could accomplish if there were actually TWO of you?" [Matt has that look on his face] (CW) "Uh, on second thought, don't answer that..." (FCW) "If you're thinking what I THINK you're thinking, that would make you SO GAY!"

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(CW) "You okay now, Matt?" (FCW) "You're not gonna freak out on me later, are ya?" (MG) "No, I'm good... [giving the girls "that look"] I guess a quick threesome would be out of the ques..." (CW) "GO HOME ya %Xin' perv!" (FCW, smirking) "I KNEW Matt would go there." (CW) Yeah. I cloned myself for a reason. And it sure as hell wasn't to get myself off!" [pause... turn... and... KISSING?] [Two panels of Cassie on Cassie makeouts... then suddenly... awareness kicks in!] (FCW) "Okayyy... that was kinda exciting at first, but now I'm just completely weirded out..." (CW) "Yeah. I think I'll be going back to 3:30 now... See ya!" [MG and CW at Starbucks the next day] (MG) "So. Interesting day yesterday." (CW, seated) "Yyyeahhh. Can't say I'd blame you for freakin' out." (MG) "I'm only curious as to how you could interact with yourself in that situation." (CW) "You know, it's funny. Once I met my past self, I could feel my memories being redrawn in my head. And all I had to do was think about how I would have reacted, and just like that, my other self said and did it. It was such a strange experience, like I was telepathically working a puppet. [MG has a seat] But at least the living room's all rearranged and everything's back to normal now." (MG) "Cool." [pause as MG takes a drink of his coffee] (CW) "If you clone yourself, and the two of you make out, would that be considered masturbation?" [ PFFF] [1777; France!] (Marquis de Sade) "Hmmm... Oui... Mais OUI... Ohohohooo... Quoi??? Sacre bleu!!! Est-ce-qu'elle manger le merde??? UGH!!! Qu'est-ce qu'elle fait maintenant?!?! NON!!! EUGH! BLEAH!!!! C'EST LE PLUS DETESTABLE!!!! Mais je leurs aime... je fais chaud..." [2007; Cassie's computer room] (MG) "You really think anyone's gonna believe that's the real Marquis de Sade reacting to 2 Girls 1 Cup?" (CW) "Of course not... but why keep the fruits of my curiosity to myself?" [1957; The Ed Sullivan Theatre in New York City] (Ed Sullivan, shown on the old Philco) "And nowwww... Rrright heerrrre on this staaage... The Amazing MARTY, the time-traveling dog!" (CW) "Come on boy! Through the hoop!" [2007] (MG, holding the hoop on the other end) "YEAH!!!" (David Letterman) "Wow, how about that... Hah hah... a Time-traveling dog, Paul!" (Paul Schaffer) "That's wacky, Dave!" [Cassie awakes!] (CW to herself) Man, if I didn't feel like I had to keep this time traveling secret, that would be pretty cool... [1363; Jolly olde England, with a Pterodactyl swooping down on two knights jousting?] (MG to a ticked off Cassie) "What??? They had 'em in the video game!" [ Joust, FYI] (MG, seated at the computer) "Hmmm... interesting." (offscreen flames) AIEEEE! (MG) "Did you know that about three billion years ago, the Earth was completely covered in fiery molten lava?" (CW, looking incredibly singed) "A few seconds ago, yes..." [CW is reading an e-mail from BG "booyahbethany@(something)] Subject: Christmas Wish List; This cute little dress I found online (click here to see); Wireless mouse; Earrings; The new Feist CD [Cassie clicks on the link for the "Taffeta Off-The-Shoulder Cocktail Dress"] $279.99 (!) [Cassie has an idea! She goes to the "Turner-Fenton Clearance Center" (in Dallas), fastforwards to...] [2012; ...and finds the same dress on sale at $24.95!] [First no-dialogue strip; though that changes in five years] (BG, entering CW's room) "Cassie? You still here?" [package sitting on chair we're guessing it's the dress from the last strip and a note that BG reads] Hey Bethany Enjoy your gift! I won't be here for the next few days I'm off to visit someone I've always wanted to meet in

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person. Merry Xmas! Love, Cassie [3 BC: A certain nativity scene in Bethlehem the real Bethlehem] [46 BC; Rome] (CW) "Ironically enough, Julius Caesar doesn't like his own salad..." (MG) "Yeah. Good luck convincing all those restaurants." (MG) "Might as well plan my New Year's resolutions. Let's see... I resolve to lose some weight..."(CW) "Ain't gonna happen." (MG) "Huh? And what makes you think that?" (CW) "I figured you might do something like this, so I went ahead to a year from now to check on you... and you're about the same size you are now." (MG) "Oh yeah? Well... I also resolve to get all my credit card bills paid!!!" (CW gets up and walks off, to a confused MG, then) "Nope! That won't happen, either." (MG) "NOW CUT THAT OUT!" (MG, reading the newspaper "funnies") "$#|+! That makes FIVE comics using that tired old 'falling asleep at midnight gag for New Year's Eve." (BG) "That wouldn't happen to us, now, would it? [analog clock in the background says "4:37"] (MG) "Not when we've got Cassie and her little 'Fast-forward button...'" (CW) "Okay. Are we ready? You wanna jump ahead to 10 or 11 when we get there?" [ BG is wearing that little dress that Cassie bought & gave to her] [2008 begins] [Puncturing The Punctual] (MG, realizing his clock reads 9:04; to himself) Aw, %X... I forgot to set my alarm!!! [pulling up to the front of CHANDARLIS TRAVEL, right next to TerCon the first external shot of where the three friends work] I am so fired this time, I just know it. I better sneak around back... Dammit, if only I could go back and wake myself up or... Hey wait! Duhhh. I have a friend with a time machine. I'll just go next door and ask her if I could borrow it. Then I can relax and take all the time I need. Let's see. There should be an entrance TerCon right around What the... (MG speaking as he catches Cassie doing EXACTLY what he was going to do) "HA! I knew it!!!" [The two walk away from a disappearing time portal in front of NationBank, where the clock reads 7:56] "So how often does this happen, Miss 'Always On Time'?" (CW) "Ain't tellin'." [TerCon, according to TMO, is a nanotechnology research, development and marketing firm. Bethany works as a receptionist, while Cassie is in the R&D department (of course).] [1979] (MG) "Hey, baby, what's your sign?" (Random bar babe) "Get real, turkey. That line went out years ago!" [Cue to reluctant CW, rolling her eyes and holding the time portal for Matt to] [1976] (CW) "Hey, baby, what's your sign?" (Redhead bar babe) "Sagittarius. And yours?" [TMO's first "professional" treatment of the comic concept from 1996] [1958] (CW, looking at a just-purchased jar of peanut butter in her hands, to herself) Sweet. Another "vintage" label for my collection! Smells good t- [WHAM! A man in "dress greens" knocks CW over on the bench she's sitting on and something's in her peanut butter] (Soldier) "Oh my. I'm so sorry, ma'am! I was runnin' to catch the bus and I tripped on somethin'..." (CW) "I'm okay... Hey, you got your banana in my peanut butter!" (Soldier) "You got 'chur peanut butter on my banana! [takes a bite] Hmmm. Actually, this don't taste half bad!" (CW) "Um... yeah... it's even better on a sandwich!" (Soldier) "I gotta run... but thankya! Thankyaverymuch!" (CW, to herself) What the...! Was that...? [2008] (TV announcer) Elvis especially loved snacking on Peanut Butter & Banana Sandwiches... (MG) "Ew, sounds yucky... Whoever gave him that idea?" (CW, eyes rolling) "Lord only knows..." [TMO: This is the first of many "Forrest Gump"-ification of Cassie & the gang's time-travel adventures.]

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[These Are The Good Old Days] (CW, seated in front of the TV, when an off-screen voice asks:) "Excuse me, can we use your computer for a minute?" (CW, to herself) That's not Bethany...! (turns angrily) "WHO ARE YOU??? WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY--- [Smiling "grandmother Cassie" waving the time machine at her with a little girl in tow] Oh. My bad... Sure, it's in the next room." (GCW) "Thank you dear. This way, Julie!" (CW to herself) I guess I better get used to $#|+ like this... (Julie, off-screen) "Wow, Gramma. MySpace didn't even have ONE Billion people back then?" (GCW) "That's right. And we had to use these. They were called keyboards!" [This was the first time Cassie appeared as an old lady and yes, TMO acknowledged the strip is dated...] (CW, with GCW and GGDJ in computer room) "She is so adorable! So... is this our granddaughter?" (GCW) "Great grand-daughter!" (CW) "Whoa. You mean you're... I get to be..." (GCW) "A Hundred and One, baby! I know. I don't look a day over seventy, do I..." (CW) "NO $#|+! Ohhh... Oh my... I'm so sorry..." (GCW) "Oh, no worries. In the future there are no 'bad words'. They've all lost their sting by the 2080's. All of them." (CW) "Are you serious???" (GCW) "Let's put it this way: in 2083, the most popular kids' show features a camel named 'Cunty'." (GGDJ) "Cundyyyy!!!" [Never aired scene from SW II Attack of the Clones: "SeWem and Silent Vraag" try to get Obi-Wan to buy some of their Endor "stash"] (MG) "...And it would've been that simple! I mean, Kevin Smith paid homage to Star Wars in all those films he did, you'd think George Lucas could've returned the favor in some way, somewhere in his prequel trilogy." (CW) "And I should care... why?" [1939] (News stand vendor, to another customer as CW walks off with a comic in hand) "That's strange. You'd never expect someone like her to be buying comic books, much less be approving of them." [2008] (Robbi from "A Geek Like Me" to store-owner Dylan) "That's strange. You'd never expect someone like her to have a mintcondition 'Superman #1', much less be willing to sell it..." [as CW walks off with the cash...] [1980] (DJ from 98 KZEW, Dallas, in the studio with the members of Devo] "Alright, let's go to our next caller. Cassie, you're on The Zoo with Devo!" (CW, over phone) "Hey there. I bet you anything in about 15 years these guys will be doing music for kiddie TV shows!" [Laughter from EVERYONE even the DJ] (Mark Mothersbaugh the "guy with the glasses" in Devo) "That's a good one!" (Gerald Casale the other "lead singer" of Devo) "Oh, MAN..." (MG, in classic Van Halen t-shirt and Mike Brady "fro") "Doesn't sound like they believe you." (CW) "I just love it when they don't know what's gonna hit them..." (CW, as they travel under a freeway to the Sacramento Airport) "You know, when you said that you wanted to go back to 1967 and catch a legendary concert, I was thinking you were gonna go see the Grateful Dead, or CCR, or The Who, or maybe Jefferson Airplane..." (CW, driving with a tie-dye shirt and headband) "...not Johnny Cash at Folsom %Xing PRISON!!!" (MG) "Hey. That was a legendary show! So what if I went and robbed a bank so I could see it in person!" [ST:TNG Riker and Picard on TV, as Cassie and MG watch] (CW) "Of course, it's not gonna really be like that in the 24th Century..." [MG gives her a dirty look] (CW) "$#|+. I'm sorry. I'll just shut up now." (MG) "What's next, you gonna go back to the 70's and spoil Space: 1999 for everybody?" [1904, the St. Louis World's Fair] (BG) "Just onions and pickles? No lettuce or tomato? Not even any cheese? What kind of hamburger stand do you run here?" (CW,

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whispering) "Psst... they just invented the hamburger, dumbass..." [TMO, being a native Texan, doesn't fall for the Louis' Lunch claim, of course; he holds that Fletcher Davis of Athens, Texas, brought his creation to the World's Fair in '04.] [Cassandra's Secret] (CW is out shopping for clothes and talking to herself) I remember when it was just the more provocative women that wore thong panties. Now everyone has them on, even kids. I wonder what the future of underwear is like. Will people even wear it at all? It's worth checking out...[2071] Hmmm... nothing real out of the ordinary. "Autofit", interesting... but what's this "ANED" stuff that I'm seeing on all the packages? I'm almost afraid to ask... (to a sales clerk) "Excuse me, sir, can you tell me what this 'ANED TECHNOLOGY' is?" (Long haired clerk, with no visible eyes) "You really don't know what ANED's all about?" (CW) "No, I'm sorry... I just moved here from... um.. a very isolated small town out west." (LHC) "Wow, so they must still use toilets out there." (CW, to herself) Ohhh $#!+... [2071; continued] (LHC) "Here, I pulled up the ANED wiki page on this piece of net-paper... read for yourself." (CW) "Wow... okay..."[ANED Automatic Nanoactive Excretement Disintegration] "...a form of autohygenic nanotechnology that (revo)lutionized person hygiene starting in the early 2040's. Every undergarment manufactured in the world today has ANED nanoappliances in the... rendering all diapers obsolete, almost eliminating the need for toilets and... (contri)buting to the oxygen levels in the environment." [Photo of Nathan Franklin, the inventor of ANED in 2037 with a BM being "zapped" by his device in a press conference] [How ANED works] "...ANED-enhanced underwear, powered by basic high-grade battery tape, consists of millions of nanosized sensors, atomizers and electric deodorizers. As urine, fecal matter or other bodily fluids are discharged, the sensors detect the excretement and activate the atomizers, which disintegrate the excretement on contact. The process takes only 1-2 seconds to disintegrate an 18-inch stool and a pint of uri(ne)... totally harmless to the skin, the user feeling on a slight tickle. Early models had the waste matter converted to methane, but the schematics were successfully altered so that the excretement was converted into pure oxygen with virtually no odor. [Conception] ANED was invented by nanotech engin(eer)... 2067 autobiography "I Wear Th(is")... in a traffic jam with... invent... (CW) "So... basically, society has evolved to the point where everybody willing $#!+s their pants..." (LHC) "You got it!" [2071, continued] (LHC) "Of course, there are still some places where toilets get used regularly... such as nightclubs and nudist colonies..." (CW, rolling her eyes) "I get the picture..." [Back to the WP article: Conception] "ANED was invented by nanotech engineer Nathan Franklin in 2033. According to his 2067 autobiography I Wear This Crown Of $#!+, he almost soiled himself while stuck in a traffic jam with a gastrointestinal infection. After that near-incident, he set out to invent batterypowered undergarments that would instantly vaporize any excretement that touched the nanoapplianceenhanced fabric. Nathan patented ANED in 2034 and started selling his own brand of Eliminators undergarments in 2035. Originally conceived as a travel aid for motorists who wished to avoid rest stops on long journeys, Nathan soon realized the broader impact that ANED could have on society, and he began licensing the ANED technology to major

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clothing designers, textile producers, hospital supply companies and NASA. By 2060, Nathan was ranked among the world's top 10 self-made billionaires for his creation. [Societal Impact] Once ANED technology became standard in all undergarment production, profound changes were noticed in society that could clearly be attributed to it. Lack of demand for toilets led to the reduction or omission of them in new building construction. The diaper and sanitary napkin industry experienced massive layoffs, as production was either eliminated altogether or shifted to making conventional ANED-enhanced undergarments and tampons. New rules for etiquette had to be conceived for urinating and defecating in a polite, discreet manner. The practice of toilet-training young children was almost completely abandoned starting in the 2050's. [Environmental Impact] ANED has had a positive effect on the environment. A significant drop in landfill waste in the 2050's was attributed to the lack of disposable diapers being thrown in the trash. A drastic reduction of fecal matter in sewage led to major reorganization of sewer systems, as waste treatment plants around the world were shut down, reduced in capacity or reformulated to better treat other water hazards. And the ANED process of converting waste into oxygen has contributed greatly to keeping the Earth's oxygen levels generously high. (CW) "Uh... there's etiquette involved with peeing on yourself?" (LHC) "Oh yeah. You always excuse yourself if you have to $#!+. You don't want a 'grunt face' in the middle of a conversation!" [2071 continued] (Store manager) "Hey there Hakeem... How's your sales going?" (Hakeem, the LHC) "Very well. I might be making a sale to this lady here shopping for underwear.... Can you believe she's never worn anything ANED-enhanced?" (CW) "Yep. This is all new to me!" (Manager) "Wow, so you're toilet-trained, then? That's basically an ancient discipline these days..." (CW) " 'Ancient Discipline'?" (Manager) "Yeah... In fact, my generation was the last to be toilet-trained!" (Hakeem) "My butt has never touched 'Pampers' or toilet paper!" (CW) "Wow..." (to herself) How the %X am I having this conversation?! [2071] (Hakeem) "So... wanna try using the ANEDenhanced underwear?" (CW) "Sure... it sounds interesting, at least." (Hakeem) "Cool. We're having a sale on the 'Autofit' panties, 2 for $100... You pull them up and they automatically conform to your figure!" (CW) "Sounds good to me... I'll take a roll of battery tape, too." (Hakeem, handing her a shopping bag with "Liam's" on it) "Okay, total comes to $130.20... and there's your change! Enjoy! Now, if you'll excuse me... AAHHH... nothing like a nice long refreshing &!$$ after a quart of 'Brawndo'!" (CW, very uncomfortably) "Riiiight... I think I'll be leaving now, kthanxbye..." (CW, driving to work in the present day, talking to herself) It sure feels weird to be wearing what amounts to be French-cut "Depends" from the future... [Radio in background is tuned to Chris Jagger's morning show in Dallas: "Luv ya, man!"] ...not to mention the fact that I could take a dump right here in my car and these undies would zap it instantly. In fact, I really gotta pee right now, but I don't wanna turn off 'The Jagger Show' just yet... [Radio: "She's a clinical psychologist and certified sex therapist..."] Time to put these magic panties to work, I guess... here goes nothing... (out loud) "Oooh! That tickles!" [Radio: "Fantaaaastic!" While the underwear goes FZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT] (to herself) Hmmm... there's something oddly relaxing about relieving yourself in

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cushioned comfort.. (out loud) "Aaaahhhhhhh... (MG) "`Sup, Cassie!" (CW, surprised!) "...AIEEEEEE!!! MATT!!! How long have you been there?!" (MG) "I just got here... Hey, what's that buzzing noise?" (CW) "Oh... It's my... um... I just got these... uh..." [ Radio: "Awkward moment..." While the underwear finishes with a FZZZZZZZZZZZZZT] (MG) "Hey, your secret's safe with me. No one has to know you like a little 'Pocket Rocket' action on the go!" (CW) "What? NO! It's not what you thiah, %X." (MG, to CW as they sit on the couch) "Ugh. I'm getting so sick of hearing about Paris Hilton. Does the media ever get tired of her?" (CW) "Well, let's just find out, shall we? [ out in the backyard] I've got the laptop. We'll go 40 years into the future, do a web search for 'Hilton', and then we'll see how many items pop up and how recent they are... [2048] Uh-oh... This ain't good... I'm getting a lot of articles about President Hilton... [MG starts to shake in fear] Oh wait, never mind, that's President Nicky Hilton..." [MG passes out from the revelation] [slightly altered strip] [1989] (Flava Flav of Public Enemy) "Yo man! I was just talkin with this FINE young lady and she's sayin' one day I'm gonna be datin a blonde-haired movie star! Yo, she must be trippin' boyeee!" (MG, in his Dallas Stars shirt) "Hey Cassie, you wanna go to the Stars-Canucks game tonight?" (CW) "Um... gimme a minute... Nah, they're gonna lose 5-0 tonight. Next week'll be better." (MG) "How do you even enjoy sporting events if you already know the outcome???" (CW) "Ever heard of the expression 'The play's the thing'? Besides, a big-ass fight breaks out next Thursday..." [1978] (CW, to herself at the "local Woolco") Note to self: Keep Matt away from electronics departments in the 70's. (MG) "ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS FOR A CALCULATOR?!... TWO %XING

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HUNDRED FOR AN ATARI!?!?!?!"

53 [Starf***er Theater] [BG and Cassie seated in front of the TV] (BG, on the couch) "So, Cass, how was New York City?" (CW, on the recliner) "It was great, I had lots of fun!" (BG) "Any flings with any famous people, past or present?" (CW) "I'm not one to kiss and tell..." (BG) "Fine..." (CW) "Though I will say that those rumors about Milton Berle being well hung are true..." (BG goes wide eyed in response) (BG, mouth agape, then) "I... I'm shocked... You actually got it on with 'Uncle Miltie'..." (CW) "Hey, I was curious about his package! Could ya blame me?" (BG) "Wasn't he in his 90's when he died? Oh %X... I'm getting flashbacks to that 'Lemon Party' pic now... UGH." (CW) "If it makes you feel any better, he was only 30 when we hooked up. I did go back to, like, 1937..." (BG) "Still... I just couldn't get turned on by that face. So Alfred E. Neuman-ish..." (CW) "Well, you don't really see the face if you're getting pounded from behi" (BG) "AAAHHSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP!!!" [1877] "With all due respect, sir, I honestly don't think a group of 'Talking Frogs' will effectively help in selling our product..." [MG tries to sell the Talking Frogs to Eberhard Anheuser and his son-in-law, Adolphus Busch; sadly, Anheuser-Busch did not own the trademark rights to the name "Budweiser" until 1891.] [1995] (CW and MG are walking out of a restaurant in the French Quarter; CW) "Matt? You okay?" (MG) "Ulp...This gumbo ain't gonna stay down... HUUAGGGHHH!" [SPLUT] (Rap Guy "MP", watching MG puke into a street garbage can, wearing a "NO LIMITS RECORDS" t-shirt) "$#!+!" (CW, to the guy) "I'm so sorry... You didn't get anything on you, did you?" (MP)

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"Nah, it's ah-ight.." (MG) "UUNNNNHH... My stomach's sore as hell..." (CW, off-screen) "C'mon, let's get back to the hotel and rest... Then we can go see Better Than Ezra..." (MG, groaning) "UUUNNHHHH..." (MP better known as "Master P", on his phone) "whassup! It's P! Yo man, I just got a helluva great idea for a new rap record..." [The "inspiration" for "Make Em Say" by Master P] [1956] (MG, in '50's tough guy outfit, to himself as CW laughs hysterically) Note to self... Keep Cassie away from any "World of the Future" Displays in the 50's... [The City of the Future! THIS WILL YOUR DREAM HOME IN THE YEAR 2000! * Solar & Nuclear Powered * Retractable Roof * Watch 3-D Color TV * Microwave a Complete Meal For Your Family In Seconds * Ultrasonic Laundry Cleans Your Clothes Instantly * Go Up & Down With Ease On Your Personal Escalator * Friendly Robots Clean, Cook & Serve Your Every Need * YOUR COMMUNITY IN THE YEAR 2000... * 20-Lane Superhighways Automatically Repair Themselves * No Need To Drive... Your ComputerControlled Car Automatically Gets You Where You Need To Go... Or Fly There In Your Flying Car * Fly To Europe In Half An Hour On a Hypersonic Jet... Or Take a Fascinating Trip To The Moon Or a Space colony] [The very first Bucket List] CASSIE'S BUCKET LIST (Things I want to accomplish before I die...) "#1 Be a dancer at an Andy Warhol party." [1968; CW is dancing "in a cage" with Warhol holding a conversation in front of it] CASSIE'S BUCKET LIST "#2 Fly to the moon and visit the site of the first lunar landing" [2213; BG is taking a picture of CW in a space suit near Tranquility Base's flag with the Apollo 11 Resort Hotel in the background, along with a "rocket ship" & Earthrise] CASSIE'S BUCKET LIST "#3 Take a mid-70's road trip complete with CB radios." [1976] (CW, in a "little red Corvette") "Breaker Breaker! This is Reverse Cowgirl calling Filthy Sanchez. Come in, Filthy Sanchez, you got yer ears on?" (BG, in an old Ford F-100 pickup) "Reverse Cowgirl, this here's Filthy Sanchez. That's a big 10-4, I'm puttin' the hammer down!" [The set of The Opie & Anthony show in 2008; they're listening to a clip of Opie from 1991] (Gregg "Opie" Hughes, in the old clip) "Lalalalalaaa! Good morning Bearman!" (Anthony Cumia) "You sounded so Wackzeenerific back then, Opie!" (Jim Norton) "What a DOPE!" (Modern-day OH) "Uggh... I so want to kill the younger Opie, just go back and beat myself senseless... GET ME A TIME MACHINE!" (AC, over the XM Radio) "Let's say hi to Cassie from Dallas!" (CW on the phone) "Hey Opie, I think I can help you out there..." [1991, the broadcast booth of 103.3 The Fox in Buffalo] (younger Opie) " LalalalalaaaAAAAAHHH!" (older Opie) "AAAARGH! DIE! DIE YOU %XING EMABARRASSMENT!!!" (Random bystander, to a TV crew...) "...And they was givin' the man UPS. I though the man was dead!" (older Opie, to CW) "What the... I got a huge scar on my face now!" (CW) "Yyyeah... That's what happens when you mutilate your past self..." (BG, with CW at a table in Starbucks, singing) "No one can stop us now... Tonight we're onnn the loose!" (CW) "Wow... okay, how about this one.. Misfit! Breakdance on the street!" (BG) "HA! Oh $#!+..." (MG) "What's up with you two today?" (BG) "Matt... Ever get some real obscure song from your childhood stuck in your head?" (CW) "Like it just pops up from out of nowhere?" (BG) "Yeah... like, "I'll be your freak-a-zoid... (with CW) ...come on and wind me up!" (MG) "Sheesh. Maybe y'all should switch to decaf lattes... (one panel later) The politics of dan-cing! The

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politics of ooo feelin' good!" (BG) "AAAARGH!" (CW) "@$$#0|3!" [The girls are at work now, with a little ear worm issue...] (CW) "Great, that's gonna be in my head all day now... 'The politics of dan-cing...'" (BG) "...The politics of oooh... feelin' good..." (together) "The politics of movin'... oh ho... is the message understood!" (BG) "Heh... yep..." [ pause] (CW) "What exactly are the 'Politics of Dancing', anyway???" (BG) "Huh... Never thought of that, really... Is it like, Line Dancing = Republican and the Cabbage Patch = Democrat?" [67447282 BC] (CW, watching as a T-Rex walks about in front of her vantage point) "The Tyrannosaurus Rex... Once the most ferocious beast on the planet... and now he's mostly remembered for being purple-colored and singing silly kids' songs." (MG) "Well, I still prefer to remember the one that transforms into Grimlock! ME GRIMLOCK! KICK BUTT!" [The date is TMO's old phone # growing up...] [1964; we see four sets of shoes on a sidewalk] (CW, off screen) "On your mark, get set... GO!!!" [CW and three other girls SCREAMING as they run past a befuddled janitor] [Katerli, Ivy & Hazel from Rule of Three; all are with Cassie outside the Ed Sullivan Theater in New York] (Kat) "YEAH!!!" (Ivy) "Alright!" [High-five] (Hazel) "Cass, I think we're in good shape for the task at hand!" (CW) "Good, Hazel... Cuz the Beatles are gonna start dashing out of there any minute now!" "If Historical Figures Did Television Commercials" [The First Installment!] Pam Reynolds is a Real Gyco Customer. But she's not a celebrity. So we hired someone famous. (PR) "So my car got broadsided by some jerk who ran a red light..." (William Shakespeare, ACTOR/WRITER/DIRECTOR) "Fie on thee, O cruel thoroughfare of fate, for thou hast compromised mine own viability!" (PR) "I called Gyco right away, and they were able to send someone to the accident immediately." (WS) "Yea, though my carriage hath been devastated, my financier maketh haste to assist me in my time of peril!" (PR) "Thanks to Gyco, I was in a rental car and back on the road in less time than I thought possible!" (WS) "`Tis remarkable the expedited aid thou hast provideth to my person. For such a feat I am most grateful!" GYCO. Real Service, Real Savings. (PR) "So... did your girlfriend really look like Gwyneth Paltrow?" (WS) "Moreso like Uma Thurman, m'lady..." [Pam is apparently a real person that TMO used to date when she worked for GEICO.] [NSFW] (BG) "You %Xed HIM??? Omigod... I hope you used protection..." (CW) "Well, of course... But that wasn't what I was most concerned about." (BG) "Really? What happened?" (CW) "Ugh. This is so embarrassing... but in a fit of passion, I just yelled out... [1775; CW topless!] ROCK ME AMADEUS!!!" (BG) "...And how did Mr. Mozart take that?" (CW) "Fortunately, he just thought it was English dirty talk." [1975] (BG, dressed up as "Janet") "Okaayyy... so maybe it was a bad idea to dress up for the premiere of 'The Rocky Horror Picture Show'..." (CW, dressed up as "Magenta") "Yyyeaahh... We should've 'time-warped' to when the Midnight Watching Parties actually started..." (MG as Dr. Frank N. Furter in drag) "Ya THINK???" (Mrs. Carla Wells, Cassie's mom, over the phone) "Hello?" (CW, on the phone) "Hey mom!" (Mom) "Hi dear! How is everything there in Dallas?" (CW, now heard over the phone as we see her mom) "Just great. How's Patrick?" (Mom) "I guess he's doing fine. I haven't heard from him since he went back to Houston last Sunday... [Photo of the Wells clan in the background: Bobby, Carla, Cassie & Patrick] ...Anyway, did you ever send out those tax forms

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to me? I really needed those today..." (CW, to herself) $#!+! I forgot to mail those!!! "Um, hold on one second, okay?" (Mom) "Okay..." [ZOOM Flash! FZZT] (CW) "So... you were saying about my tax forms?" (Mom) "Just got 'em this morning, dear, thanks!" [APRIL FOOLS DAY 2008] To the fans of Cassie, Matt & Bethany: We regret to inform you that they have let go due to a corporate buyout of Times Like This by BetaPwned, Inc. BetaPwned Jeanine and John will be taking over operation of the time machine effective immediately. (Jeanine, holding the time machine) "Ooooh... I love this gorgeous little time-travely thing already! What year should we visit first?" (John) "How about we go back to 1963 and tell those 'Louie Louie' guys to %Xing ENUNCIATE MORE!!!!" (Jeanine) "Those Lyric Zombies still getting to ya, huh?" [CW' fish tank with MH] (MH) "Awww, he's so cute!" (CW) "Yeah. I call him 'Frederick'." (MH) "So where did you get him?" (CW) Well, Maggie, that's quite an interesting story in itself... [1990, the set of the video of Faith No More's "Epic"] (last line of the chorus plays in background) "It's IT (what is it?) It's IT (yeah yeah yeahhhh)..." [clapboard SNAPs] (Off screen voice) "CUT! That's a wrap!" [CW is behind the set, waiting to go in and grab the flopping goldfish on the set floor] [TMO notes that Frederick the Fish was one of the first cartoon characters he created with the big bubbly eyeballs, aka Garfield] CASSIE'S BUCKET LIST "#4 Be a 'pin up girl' model for a war plane." [1942; Cassie is in a hangar "riding a bomb" as a painter does the honors on the fuselage] [1982] (CW) "Well, Matt, I see you've met somebody already!" (MG) "Oh, hey... Jenny, this is my friend Cassie." (Jenny Everywhere first appearance in the comic!) "Hi!" (CW) "Hi, Jenny, I love that getup you have!" (JE) "Thank you! I saw that new Pat Benetar video on MTV and I thought that would be such a cool look for me..." (CW) "Well, it does work for ya!" (MG) "Very Hot!" (JE) "Awww, thanks. That means a lot to me. My ex-boyfriend Tommy didn't like it so much. He seemed a little creepy, anyway. Saying I'd be sorry I broke up with him and so on." (CW) "Um... This Tommy guy... Would his last name happen to be Tutone?" (JE) "Yyyeah, why... you know him?" (MG) "Jenny, what's your phone number?" (JE) "It's 867-53" (CW, cutting her off) "Get it changed IMMEDIATELY. TRUST ME on this one." ["The character of Jenny Everywhere is available for use by anyone with only one condition: This paragraph must be included in any publication involving Jenny Everywhere, in order that others may use this property as they wish."] (BG, outside their house as CW pulls up in her car) "Back from another 80's gas run, eh?" (CW) "Yep, ya can't beat 85 cents a gallon." (BG) "So, what keeps you from going back even further and cheaper?" (CW) "Well, the 80's is the earliest I could get the best formula of unleaded for our cars. Besides, before the 70's the gas stations were almost all full-service. I couldn't pump my own gas if I tried, and I really don't need the attention." (BG) "-Sigh- Will gas ever get back to a reasonable price again?" (CW) "Good news, it will... Bad news, you gotta buy a new 'recyclo-diesel' engine..." [CW is on her favorite online social network, World2] <Mustela87> You live in Dallas? <NanoCassDFW> Sure do... northwest side <M87> How much rent do you pay? <NCDFW> I actually own a house and share it with my friend [view of Cassie's character, winged with antennae as she talks to a gopher?] <M87> OMG no way! That must be expensive! <NCDFW> It's probably worth $200K now but it's fully paid off... I just set aside $400 a month for property taxes <***Mustela87's fur is turning green with

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envy 0_0> <NCDFW> LOL... if you ever visit DFW, you can stay here anytime :) <M87> Cool... thanx :) So how did you pay it off so fast, you have a high-paying job? <NCDFW> It's actually an inheritance. Got it from my great-aunt (MG, over her shoulder) "What, you're not gonna tell her the truth? That you went back to 1967 and bought this house brand new for $18,000?" (CW) "Shush." [First time simulating "internet chat" something that would become central to the storyline in a few years; World2 is based on the Lindenverse in Second Life] [1979; CW is riding the mechanical bull at Gilley's in Pasadena, while MG and BG look on] (BG) "WOOHOO! RIDE 'EM COWGIRL!!!" (MG) "Okay, explain to me again why we're at Gilley's before 'Urban Cowboy' hit theaters?" (BG) "Do you really want to be here when it's packed like crazy with the movie fans?" [CW watching TV] (Announcer) Al-Qaeda has released a new video message from Osama bin Laden today, and Homeland Security officials have confirmed that this was indeed a recent recording, proving that Bin Laden is still alive [which was true at the time]. See for yourself... (OBL) "I am announcing that I am coming out of hiding. If the forces of the Great Satan want me, they can try and get me! Here now is my location... the GPS coordinates are as follows..." (Ladies and gentlemen: Rick Astley!) "Never gonna give you uuuup, never gonna let you dowwwn..." (OBL) "AAHAHAHAHAAAA! I just 'Rick-rolled' you all! Stupid Americans!..." [CW rolls her eyes in appropriate response...] [Gilligan's Island the LOST episode!] (Gilligan) "SKIPPERRRR! You won't believe what I just found!" (Skipper) "What is it, little buddy?" (G) "Look!" (S) "You think there's anything down there?" (G) "A new boat would be nice..." [canned laughter] (S) "A boat can't fit down there, you idiot!" [MG and Cassie sitting on the couch] (MG) "I believe a certain "Lost" fan had something to do with this episode!" (CW) "I may or may not have dated a script writer in the 1960's..." [1776] (Thomas Jefferson) "Do you think I should see a doctor? That man [MG, walking off with a smirk] just said I had Jungle Fever..." (Ben Franklin) "You look perfectly healthy to me, Mr. Jefferson!" [TMO: "Yes, it's a Sally Hemmings reference..."] CASSIE'S BUCKET LIST "#5 Get on 'The Real World', even if just to be in the background." [2005, featuring the Real World: Austin cast of Johanna, Lacey, Cassie (with time machine), Melinda, Danny, Wes, Nehemiah and Rachel] [1959; a North Texas soda counter] (CW, to a gentleman named Louis) "Her name's Linda, and she likes movies, dancing and playing the piano. I think you've got a good shot at winning her over..." [It's TMO's parents 45th Wedding Anniversary!] [Miami Time Machine] (CW, to MG and BG) "Y'all excited about spending a few days in sunny Miami?" (MG) "Hell yeah!" (BG) "Sure am!" (CW) "Yeah, since I'm going there with my company for a convention, I figured we might as well make a full-fledged vacation out of it. Here's the plane tickets..." (MG) "You got the plane tickets already? I could've done that for you at a bargain..." (CW) "I know, but you weren't working for Chandarlis Travel when I made reservations. Anyway, I'm gonna go pack now."(MG, confused, then) "Wait... You booked our flights in 1999???" (CW) "Exactly. We'll be flying before the terrorists ruined it for everybody!" (BG) "So... Are we time-tripping before or after we get to the airport?" [Exterior shot: Miami International Airport] (CW) "Okay. Here's the plan. Over the next three days I'll be at the 'Nano-Con' from 10 to 6. Y'all are welcome to use the time

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machine while I'm working the convention. Just remember to be back at the hotel at 6 PM when you're done with whatever." (BG) "Got it." (MG, off-screen) "Ah-ight." (CW) "And Matt... Please save those clothes for 1985!!!" (MG) "So are you telling me the 'Miami Vice' doesn't dress like this anymore?" [Miami Nano-Con! Cassie works the TerCon booth "The Revolution Will Be Minimized"] (CW to random convention attendee) "Hi! Feel free to take some pens, frisbees, bottle openers, flashlight key chains..." (Convention attendee) "Cool, thanks! So... What's your company's main focus?" (CW) "Well, TerCon is mainly dedicated to developing nanotechnology and applying it to everyday life. Things like self-sharpening pencils, toys that can change color and fix themselves when they break. And clothing that is not only stain-resistant, but even stain-cleaning!" (CA) "Well, I don't doubt your enthusiasm for all this!" (CW) "Yeah, I've seen it all by going to the fu Uhhh, I mean I'm fully aware of the potential nanotech has!" (CW, on the hotel bed) "When's your next open spot with Hazel? Monday at 4:30? That's fine... see ya then!" (BG in bikini top) "Whatcha up to now?" (CW) "I'm about to go visit this excellent masseuse in Pompano Beach. I met her and her friends last March." [The gals from Rule of Three see strip 65] (BG) "You sure look like you need a rubdown. What you been doing?" (CW) "Welll, if you have to ask..." [Note: Cassie's wearing her OU tank top revealing for the first time where she went to school] (BG) "Ahhh, one of those... So who was it this time?" (CW) "More like who were they. I was just feeling extra slutty this weekend... So I found out when five well-endowed famous people had visited Miami, and I went on a little '0X-a-thon' with my time machine. [BG smacks her forehead in response] What? Why you upset? I used protection..." (BG) "No, I was just about to say I went to 1987 and got gangbanged by the 2 Live Crew, but thanks for upstaging me already, #^+!" (CW, on the beach with BG) "You know, Bethany, I do think that was quite an accomplishment that you scored with the 2 Live Crew..." (BG) "Cassie, honey, I was over that hours ago. We're cool." (CW) "Hey, at least we're getting plenty of action on this vacation!" (BG) "I wonder if Matt's having any luck getting some?" (CW) "He's got the time machine right now, so who knows..." [1984] (CW, off-screen) He's probably following my lead and trying to score with some celebrity before she gets famous. (MG, with a drink spilled on his head) "What the... What did I do, Gloria? Did my words get in the way???" (Gloria Estefan) "Pendejo..." [Spanish translation: "Stupid..."] (MG, burying BG in the sand) "How's that look, Beth?" (BG) "Hahaha... Very sexy!" (MG) "Okay, Cassie. Remember those likes I gave to you?" (CW) "Do I have to do this?" (MG) "Oh come on!!!" (CW) "Alright, alright!... [whisper] you're so %Xing weird... [reading] The body washed up two hours ago... Blunt Force Trauma indicates she was killed before she hit the water!" (MG) "Well, Frank, it looks like her luck... [pops the shades down, ala David Caruso] ...just got washed away! [clicks his iPod "Won't Get Fooled Again" by The Who, of course)] YAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!" (BG) "He's been watching too much 'CSI: Miami', hasn't he..." (CW) "Yeah, he's the one that needs to be committed." (CW, opening the hotel room door) "Hey, Matt!" (MG) "Hey, Cassie. Here's the time machine back!" (CW) "Cool. Thanks! So, did you do anything fun in time today?" (MG) "Well, I took a little trip up the coast to the Space Center. And I decided to have a little fun with the Apollo 11 launch..." (CW) "Oh $#!+. What did you do NOW?" [1969; MG is being interviewed on TV at the launch site]

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(MG, dressed as a hippie) "Yeah, Neil's a good friend of mine. Just before he got in the rocket I told him, 'Dude... if you're the first guy to set foot on the moon, that's like gonna be a major milestone for all of mankind. And whatever you say after you take that first step had better reflect that, man!'" [Rule Of Three gals and guys! with Cassie & company!] (Kat) "That was a great dinner, you guys!" (MG) "Yeah. Where should we go from here?" (Ivy) "I dunno. Most of the clubs here are lame." (Dave) "Yeah. They're all owned by the same dude, Gavin Greer or Green... I hear he's buying up a lot of Dallas clubs too.." (CW) "Hey, I've got an idea. Y'all like old-school rap?" (Stone) "I'm open to it." (Ivy) "Sure..." [ Hey, who's that guy in the garbage can? Oh, it's just Jesse from RO3... or IS it? Meanwhile...] [1988 and it's a PARTY!] (MG) "Daaamn, woman, you sure know how to get down!" (Tamara whose name is discovered in a RO3 strip) "I get down in more ways than one, if ya wanna find out!" (Hazel, to the DJ) "Play some Public Enemy, dammit!" (Kat) "This hiphop party is great, but are you sure it's safe?" (CW) "Of course! I scoped this place out already. No fights, no guns, and the police never shut it down! In fact... See that green glow in the distance? That's me!" (Stone) "Wow, cool..." (Kid Ice, to BG) "Hey it's Sci-Fi Chick!" (BG) "Oh... hey... Kid Ice, is it?" [A LOT of stuff going on here... and a prelude to a series of strips from RO3 that adds on to this story!] [1999; the plane ride home] (BG) "Man that was just TOO much fun to be had..." (CW) "Yeah, Matt sure looks all worn out. That girl from the '88 beach party must have given him a helluva ride..." [MG passed out against the plane window and it might not have been her, Cassie...] (BG) "He scored with that chick?" (CW) "Yep. And the funny thing is, she'd be in her 40's now!" (BG) "Haha... Matt the Cougar Hunter!" (CW) "So what was up with that 2 Live Crew guy calling 'Sci-Fi Chick'?" (BG) "Well, as it turns out, I was such a memorable lay for them that they wrote a rap song about me!" (CW) "NO $#!+!" (BG) "Check it out. This CD used to have thirteen tracks, now it's got fourteen! Go up to track seven...'Sci-Fi &$$\/'!" [CW listens to the lyrics] She was a sci-fi bitch and her name was Beth!... She came outta nowhere in a flash of green..." (CW) "Ooh... they called you 'bitch'..." (BG) "Coming from them, that's quite an honor!" [1867; Western Union Telegraph Station] (Operator 1) "I'm getting an incoming message, but the sender didn't give their location." (Operator 2) "What's it saying?" (O1) "T... N... I... T... N... I... It just keeps repeating those letters." (O2) "Come again?" (O1) "Just T-N-I... TNI, over and over... Do you think their machine's gone haywire?" (O2) "Perhaps so. I can't think of any other reason for this." (MG, at a different station, playing with the telegraph and singing???) "WHO LET THE DOOOGS OUUT!!! [BZZZZZT, BZZZZZZT BZT, BZT BZT] WHO LET THE DOOOGS OUUT!!! [BZZZZZT, BZZZZZZT BZT, BZT BZT]" (CW, facepalming) "I swear, Matt... I can't take you anywhere." (BG) "I'm sorry, Chica... I know what you're going through, believe me... but you're not gonna be able to use your time machine to get past a hangover." (CW, passed out on the couch, with icepack on head and holding the time machine...) "Uhrrhgguh?..." (CW) "Good book, huh?" (MG) "Yeah, a lot of fascinating stories about the brave souls who fought in World War II." (CW) "And some of them were just heartbreaking. Like did you read the one about 'Lucky' Lenny Ross?" (MG) "Yeah, that was real sad. The guy never had a date in high school, was drafted right after he graduated. And he never

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got laid during his training. But he kept telling his Army buddies that he planned to 'Get lucky' in Europe. But he never got the chance. He was one of the first soldiers killed on D-Day." (CW) "So %Xin' tragic. What page was that on again?" (MG) "It starts on page 43, and... Hey wait a minute... I know it was on page 43, why is something else there? I don't get it. I know I saw 'Lucky' Lenny's story in this book, and now it's nowhere to be found!" (CW, with her $#!+-eating grin) "Exactly!" (MG, suddenly realizing) "You mean to tell me that you..." (CW, thumbs up) "...rode him like a Harley Liberator? HELL YEAH!" [Wingin' It] [2002; Boston, February 2 Super Bowl Sunday] (MG) "This was a great idea, Cass. Beat the summer heat and get our football fix at the same time!" (CW) "Not to mention witness all of Boston erupting in jubilation at their team's first championship!" [ Note: She's actually talking about the New England Patriots, by the way] (MG) "Well, I'm hungry. You hungry?" (CW) "Starving. Let's find a good bar & grill before they start to get packed." (MG) "Hey, a 'Hooters'! Sweet. I'm in the mood for Hot Wings now!" (CW) "Uhh... You go right ahead." (MG) "Huh? You love 'Hooters'. Why don't you wanna go in?" (CW) "Cuz... Um.. I'm in the mood for... Baked Salmon! That's it! But you go and have fun!" [2002; Hooters of Boston] (Hostess girl) "Hi! We've still got plenty of room, help yourself to any table you want!" (MG) "Thanks!" (to himself, watching CW walk away) I don't get it. Cassie's got nothing against this place. She loves going here. Hell, she flirts with the waitresses... There's bound to be a good reason why she didn't want to set foot inside this one... (Younger waitress Cassie!) "Hello, I'm Cassie and I'll be your waitress today!" (MG, open mouthed and to himself)...And WHOOMP, there it is. [2002; Boston Hooters] (YCW) "Whatcha like to drink?" (MG) "I'll have a 'Sprite'.. and go ahead and get 20 wings with some fries!" (YCW) "Alrighty, I'll get that out for ya!" (MG) "Thanks..." (to himself) How random is this? I'm being served by the Cassie of the past! She's never told me about any of this. I should just stay cool and find out more about her. (YCW) "Here's your 'Sprite'!" (MG) "Thanks... So, Cassie... You live around here, or are you extra help for Super Sunday?" (YCW) "No, this is my regular job. But I'm actually a college student from Texas. I'm currently studying for my Masters in Physics at MIT." (MG) "Wow. So what's a brainiac like you doing in a place like this?" (YCW) "What's it to ya... You trying to flirt with me or something?" (MG) "No, we're just frien Uhhh, I mean.. I'm in town to visit a friend of mine!" [2002; Boston Hooters] (YCW) "Your wings and your fries!" (MG) "Thanks! You do an excellent job. You must like working here!" (YCW) "Of course I do! It's so much fun! Why wouldn't I love it here?" (MG) "Well, Cassie, you know how some people are. The whole 'exploitation' and 'sex-object' thing..." (YCW, eye rolling) "Oh please. Why is that still an issue? I don't feel any less dignified just because I work someplace that prefers my boobs to be halfsticking out. Besides, it's not like us girls don't get our fair share of 'eye candy'. I could go to a beach, the park or 'Chippendales' to see lots of shirtless, ripped guys work out or play around. In fact, I could just as easily work at a strip club and not feel like I'm degrading myself. You'd like that, wouldn't you?" (MG, uncomfortably) "Um... I... Uh..." (YCW) "Am I getting you all flustered, babe? I'll just let you eat your lunch now." (MG) "Yyeah... I need a lot of fuel for the big victory celebration tonight." (YCW) "The what?" (MG, to himself) Ah, %X!!! Matt, you IDIOT!!! [2002; Boston Hooters] (MG, to himself) Ok, Matt, stay cool... You're not spilling any secrets, you're just coming

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off as a Patriots fanatic... (YCW) "Well, I hope you have fun tonight. You seem so sure about the Patriots' chances of winning!" (MG) "Um... Well, I'm just a huge fan. I know it could go either way!" (YCW) "Yeah, I hear ya. I'd love to see this city become one big party if they win!" (MG) "Exactly. You know, sometimes I wish I had a time machine to see into the future!" (YCW) "Oh wow, yeah. Wouldn't that be great? I could only imagine all the stuff I could do with a time machine!" (MG) "Um... Yeah! Sure!" (YCW, leaning forward a bit for a bigger tip?) "But I know that's just impossible. As much as I'd love to meet all those historical figures and visit ancient cities..." (MG) "Well, you never know. Maybe you and your massive brains will come up with something!" (YCW) "You sure you're talking about my brains, you sly dog? I'll be right back with your change!" (MG) "Don't worry about that, keep it!" (YCW) "Thanks a lot for coming by! I hope to see you again!" (MG) "Oh, you will, Cassie... You will..." [2002; MG has met back up with CW] (CW) "So... How was your lunch? I hope you got excellent service there!" (MG) "Yeahhh... About that... You never told me you were a 'Hooters" girl!" (CW) "Well, you do now understand why I didn't want to go in there, right?" (MG) "Sorta. I mean, you never had a problem meeting yourself when you moved your sofa!" (CW) "Yeah, but in that situation, both of me were aware of my ability to time travel. If I ran into a past me that didn't discover time travel yet, Im sure that past me would freak out!" (MG) "Ahhh... Okay." (CW) "But enough about that. Let's find a happenin' bar to watch the game at already!" (MG) "You got it!" [pause] (CW) "Oh, and, uh... You still wish I was dancing at a +!++y Bar?" (MG) "Well, sure, um... Wait, HOW DO YOU REMEMBER THAT $#!+???" [CW's computer room] (MG) "Hey Cassie, check out what I just bought!" [both looking out front door window] (CW) "Is that a Model T?" (MG) "It sure is... One of the first to roll off the assembly line a hundred years ago! It just barely fit into the time portal!" (CW) "Sweet! Oh, by the way, I found that Sonic Youth video you were looking for on YouTube. You know, the one with the skateboards..." (MG) "`100 Percent'? Cool! Hey, could you grab a couple of the 100-calorie Cookie Packs? '1 vs. 100' is about to start!" (CW at her computer) "Just a sec... I'm about to download that song by Haircut 100." ["Love Plus One", by the way] (Television Voice) "Your question is... If you were told to 'Say the secret word and win a hundred dollars,' which game show would you be on?" (MG) "You sense a pattern here?" (CW) "I dunno. Was there supposed to be some big event today?" (Game show contestant's voice) "I'm a hundred percent certain it's 'You Bet Your Life', Bob!" "If Historical Figures Did Television Commercials," #2: [1518] (BG) "How do you do, good sir? Are you Gellin'?" (Juan Sebastian Elcano) "I'm gellin like Magellan!" (Ferdinand Magellan) "He's right... I'm gellin' like a Melon from a Venezuelan!" (BG) "What about you, Your Holiness... Are you gellin'?" (Pope Leo X) "Of course, my child... I'm gellin like St. Helen!" [1986; Minneapolis] (Songwriter, seated in a purple booth with a rather interesting "logo" hanging from his necklace, to himself) "House quake... Everybody jump up and down..". Yeah, I believe I got a kick-ass jam going here! I just need some sort of hook, some kind of chant to really punch it up... (MG, holding a local indie newspaper) "See? I told you The Replacements already broke nationwide by now! To catch them in the smaller clubs, we should've went back to '82!" (CW) "Okay! Fine! But while we're here, let's just check out Soul Asylum. They're still a local act!" (MG) "Oh, really? Miss 'The only Soul Asylum song I like

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is Runaway Train'? Don't expect to hear anything like that in this year!" (CW) "SHUT UP ALREADY!!! DAMN!!!" (Songwriter, again to himself) That's it! "Shut... up... already... Damn..." [NOW we know where Prince got the lyric that starts "Housequake" on Sign O The Times...] [One-Stop Multi-Year Shopping] (CW) "Hey, Beth, you wanna go to the mall?" (BG) "Are we talking about a present-day mall, or a mall from decades ago?" (CW) "A little of both... We'll just go to Valley View Mall. It's kept its popularity in all the 35 years of its existence! I want some new clothes, and I also want to get some vintage games and stuff from the 80's." (BG) "Cool. Matt, you wanna come with us?" (MG) "I'm supposed to follow you two around as you spend hours on end trying on clothes? You think I'm crazy or something???" (CW) "Three words 'Classic Arcade Games'." (MG) "I thought you'd never ask! Let's go!" [BG holds back a laugh] [Valley View Mall outside the now-defunct Macy's] (CW) "Okay, Matt's gonna be at the arcade in March 8, 1983. We're gonna hit '76, '80, '84 and '88 for some clothes and stuff. When we're done, we'll pick up Matt in '83, and return to our car, where we parked it, on June 19, 2008." (BG) "Got it!" (MG) "Roger!" (CW) "Matt, you want anything while we're in the past? Something you've always wanted as a kid, maybe?" (MG) "Oooh... I've always wanted the game 'Superfection'... I think it came out around '75 or so. And since you mentioned June 19, could you also find me a Garfield At Large book, a vintage first printing from 1980?" (CW) "Oh yeah, it is Garfield's birthday isn't it... Sure! Okay, off you go... Have fun!" (MG) "Woohoo! Zaxxon, here I come!" (BG) "Well, we're sure giving a whole new meaning to the term 'meeting time'..." (CW) "Nah, we're really just broadening the scope of it!" [1983; Aladdin's Castle, Valley View Mall, North Dallas] (MG, to himself) Oh man... I'm at the coolest arcade in town, in the golden age of video games, with 20 dollars worth of tokens... I'm in HEAVEN! I'd probably remember these games better if I squatted down a few inches. Centipede... Vanguard... Tron... Mr. Do... Dig Dug... Pengo... And there it is. Donkey Kong. Steve Wiebe and Billy Mitchell's battleground of choice. It's been WAY too long since I played this. Let's give it a go. Mario runs! He jumps! He... [EEEEOWWWWW SPLAT] Crap. I forgot. That's all he can do in this one. [1980; Toys Plus store, Valley View] (CW) "Excuse me, Can you tell me where the 'Lego' sets are?" (Galasso from Dave Willis's Shortpacked!) "You think I'm gonna tell you that easily? (CW) "Uh..." (Galasso) "I probably shouldn't be entrusting such valuable information to you!!! How do I know you're not gonna use those 'Legos' for diabolical purposes, such as making crude weapons?!" (Off-screen voice) "GALASSO!!! QUIT HARASSING THE CUSTOMERS!" (Galasso) "-Sigh- Aisle Seven." (CW) "Er... Thanks." (Galasso, to himself) One of these days, I'll have my own toy store and I shall rule it with an iron fist! [1980; BG and CW are at The Gap] (BG) "Aw, cool... Jordache! I gotta get a couple pairs of these!" (CW) "And look what else we got... 'Ooh la la... Sasson!'" (BG) "Hard to believe this is the same Gap that's now all nice and upscale-looking, with A-list celebrities shilling for it." (CW) "Yeah, I'd love to hear Lenny Kravitz sing the old 'Fall-in-to-the-Gap' jingle!" [1983] (CW, dressed in her "Physical" getup, to MG) "So, like, didja have a totally bitchin' time at the arcade?" (MG) "Sure did, Olivia Newton-John. I'm exhausted! (through the time portal to 2008) Did y'all get a lot of cool stuff on your shopping spree?" (BG) Tons of stuff. We loaded it all into the car before we came to pick you up." (CW) "I got your Garfield book, that 'Superfection' game, and I came

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across something else you'd probably like." (MG) "`Coleco-vision!' Sweet!!!" (CW) "Yep! In mint condition, with the super controllers! It cost almost as much as a 'Wii', though..." [In memory of George Carlin, 1937-2008; CW's listening to a classic bit by George] "No one wants to get old. No one wants to die, but we do! So we bull$#!+ ourselves. I started bull$#!++ing myself when I got to my forties. As soon as I got into my forties I'd look in the mirror and I'd say, 'Well... I guess I'm getting... older.' 'Older' sounds a little better than 'old', doesn't it? Sounds like it might even last a little longer. Bull$#!++! I'm getting old, and it's okay, because thanks to our fear of death in this country, I won't have to die. I'll 'pass away', or I'll 'expire', like a magazine subscription. If it happens in the hospital, they'll call it a 'terminal episode.' The insurance company will refer to it as 'negative patient care outcome'. And if it's a result of malpractice, they'll say it was a 'therapeutic misadventure'." [P.S. He was just here a minute ago...] (BG, to CW as they're sunning in the backyard) "Man, it's getting humid out here." (CW) "Yeah, it's bad enough we're in triple-digits." (BG) "How about some more of the ol' 'Air-Conditioning' there, Cass?" (CW) "One January winter storm, comin' up!" [Time portal to a January snow storm!] (BG) "Ahhh... MUCH better!" (MG) "So that explains the green flashes out here six months ago..." (MG) "Hey, Cassie; There's some kind of little bear at the door, asking if our comic might be interested in adding a talking animal." (CW, at her computer) "Ummm... no, that's not really the direction we're trying to go in right now..." (MG) "I'm sorry, dude. Maybe Wapsi Square or Starslip Crisis [Now just Starslip] is hiring..." (Zoog from "Out Of The Gene Pool") "CRAP." [CW and BG finally found a parking spot near the club!] (CW) "Well, it's not exactly well-lit, but it's a good parking spot!" (BG) "You think it's safe for me to park here?" [FZZT Time portal opens!] (Future CW, holding a very drunk BG) "...Look, don't panic, your car's still [sees the two girls from the "past"] Um... heh heh... don't mind us..." (BG) "WOOO! It'sh ME! Hi, Meee!" (CW) "Well, I guess that answers your question." (BG) "That's answering a lot more than I dare to ask!" (FCW, off-screen) "See? No break-ins, nothing!" [TIKI Coladas sign in the background!] (CW, sipping on a drink, to herself) This is turning out to be an awesome night. I'm at my favorite club, I've got a mint mojito to sip on... And I already know Bethany's gonna get loaded tonight, so I need to be prepared for that. Uh-oh. Something's on my dork radar... [Dorkage at 3 o'clock!] Time to head over by the ladies' room and do some reconnaissance. [FLASH] Yep! He'll be hitting on almost every chick in the club... How pathetic. [back to the bar] Just do this quickly and painlessly... (Dork in a Transformer's t-shirt) "Hey baby... I'm not a Flintstone, but I can make your bedrock!" (CW) "Look, bud, I already know your lines ain't gonna work on me, so just save your breath and move on!" (Dork) "And what makes you so sure of that?" [Lenny from Tiki Coladas hops along on the bar...] (CW) "I can seeee into the Fuuuture!" (Dork) "Whatever, weirdo..." (CW, to herself) Well, I really can, but your sorry @$$ doesn't need to know that. [2004; Disney Headquarters, Anaheim, California] (Older Exec Type) "Alright, people, Eisner wants us to come up with a new musical aimed at teens and pre-teens, something that can be marketed endlessly." (Redhead Gal) "Um... some middle-school kids form an Emo band?" (OET) "No, that would get too outdated too quickly." (Blonde guy) "How about... some teenagers start their own zoo, with talking and singing animals, the overall theme is to save the

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environment." (OET) "You're aiming too young, Man! Teens won't go for that!" (Token Black Disney Guy) "I got one. Two kids from different social groups meet in drama class and fall in love, and they have to deal with peer pressure and practice for a musical!" (OET) "Hmmm, I like it, that sounds like a hit, it just needs a catchy title... 'You're Gonna Be A Star'? Naah, too lengthy. 'Showtime'? No, scratch that..." (Red) "Um, how about we just call 'High School Musical'? " (OET) "Excellent choice! Simple, yet catchy! Okay, people, I want a working script by a week from tomor" [WHAM door opens to a man with a machine gun!] AAAAAAAAH Rattatttattattattat [2008] (Angry Mike McFarland from Dead Comix Society/Section 8 Comedy) "...And that's what I'd do if I had a time machine, man!" (MG) "I see..." (to himself) Note to self: Keep Cassie away from this guy... [Takin' Her Back To The Old School] (BG) "Hey Cassie, our high school reunion's this weekend. You wanna go?" (CW) "Ugh, I dunno." (BG) "Oh come on! You were the Salutatorian! Everyone knows you gave a real kickass speech at graduation!" (CW) "-Sigh- Stop it. You're just being polite." [Long, lengthy pause with meaningful looks] (BG) "Well, it wasn't THAT bad..." (CW) "I might as well go just to see if anyone even recognizes me." [John Tyler High School, class of 1998, Tyler, Texas] [Shreveport, the present day; Cassie and BG are in her car driving to the reunion] (BG) "Cass, you're just being too hard on yourself. Everyone's gonna remember you, and they won't remember a speech you gave at graduation!" (CW) "You forget that I didn't have much of a social life. I was so obsessed with learning stuff that I didn't go out much." (BG) "But we did have fun when we did go places together, right? (Pulling up to the Treasure Trove Casino) ..and you'll have fun here too. I've heard a lot of good things about the Treasure Trove Casino!" (CW) "If you say so..." (BG) "Look, there's plenty of people at the mixer. Someone's bound to recognize you!" (CW) "Well, you go in first." (BG, to three other classmates) "Li! Tom! Shanna!" (Shanna) "Beth!!! Glad you could make it!" (BG) "Yeah, I came here with Cassie Wells!" (Li) "Cassie WHO?" (Shanna, to Tom) "You remember a Cassie Wells?" (Tom) "Was she the one that had that real generic speech at graduation?" [Bethany is looking over her shoulder at a rather non-plussed Cassie] (CW, with BG, entering their hotel room) "-Sigh- I'm a nobody. A boring, %Xing nobody. And my graduation speech was bland, generic $#!+." (BG) "Cheer up, it's not over yet. The big banquet and party is tomorrow. You can get reacquainted with everyone and still have some fun!" (CW) "Ugh. I don't know..." (BG) "There's always the casino. Hell, you can win big at Keno, just get the numbers from the future!" (CW) "No. I want to fix this. And I think I know how, now that I've got the means." (BG) "Are you gonna do what I think you're gonna do?" (CW) "Yep. I may not be able to fix my high school social life, but I can still be my own speech doctor." [Taking the off-ramp to Tyler] (CW) "I don't think I ever told you the story behind my graduation speech, and how it ended up all shot to hell." (BG) "You... might have, but go ahead and refresh my memory." (CW) "Well, I was so busy with all the other stuff involving graduation... [ Flashback to HS Dixie Chicks poster on the wall, OU tank top; voiceover] Getting my cap and gown, picking my dress out. Not to mention all the stuff I had to do for college admissions. The fact that I had to write a speech totally slipped my mind. [NKOTB poster on the wall!] Then, at midnight, I suddenly remembered that I never did write my salutatorian address. I was up until 3 in the morning trying to put something together then I fell asleep at my desk.

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[Fast forward mom's nudging sleepy teen CW] It was 12 noon when mom woke me up. The ceremony was in three hours, and I barely had time to throw something together while getting dressed and all. So that's how John Tyler High School's Graduating Class of '98 ended up with a half-assed, lame Salutatorian address. I was pretty much wingin' it up there. (Teen CW) "So... we must move forward... and keep moving forward... Because we... have the power to make a difference in the world. Yeah." [Home!] (Mom) "Cassie! Bethany!" (CW, hugging mom) "Hey mom!" (BG) "Hi, Mrs. Wells!" (Mom) Well, this is a surprise. What brings you two here?" (CW) "We're on our way to our class reunion in Shreveport, and we wanted to pick some stuff up!" (Mom) "Okay, well... All you school stuff should still be in the closet in your old room." (BG) "Man. It's been years since I've last been in this room." (CW) "Ah yes, my old yearbooks. Here's the one from 1998. (sitting on the bed) Graduation, page 157... Here we go!" (BG, reading) "`Valedictorian Victor Martinez had some very inspiring words for his classmates, challenging them to follow their wildest dreams, trust their instincts, and never lose hear.'" (CW) "I'm not sure I want to hear what they said about me." (BG) "Salutatorian Cassie Wells also gave a nice and positive speech." (CW) "You gotta hand it to the yearbook staff, they sure can polish a turd." [As it just so happened, the JTHS Class of '98 was actually holding their class reunion at the same time of this strip...] (CW) "Okay, Beth, here's the plan. Keep an eye on that one page in the yearbook. (opening her handbag) I'm gonna go into the kitchen, time warp back to '98, and once I know I'm asleep, I'll move in to make the ol' switcheroo." (BG) "Wouldn't it be easier to just open the time portal in here, reach in and switch the papers out that way?" (CW) "Well, I don't remember exactly where my desk was. And I don't want to risk waking my past self up or even worse, burning myself with the time portal. [ Note the edges of the time portal are really, really hot. Cassie has said this in tweets and some Formspring Q&A sessions.] Alright, I'm off... See ya in a few minutes!" (BG) "Good luck!" (CW, to herself in the kitchen) Okay... May 28th 1998 3:00 AM and... activate! [1998, the Wells family kitchen] Good. All nice and quiet. SO far everything's going off without a... (off-screen voice, with a "CLICK") "Who goes there?" (CW, to herself, snapping the machine closed) ...Hitch. [1998] (Young Patrick Wells catches the older CW) "What you up to, Cass-hole? (CW, whispering) "Er... uh... none of your business, pat-prick... and keep it down, mom and dad are sleeping!" (to herself) And I don't want Cassie '98 to hear us... (YPatW, whispering) "Why you acting all topsecret, you got a guy in your room?" (CW) "No... and why are you up so late?" (to herself) $#!+... I can't do this until I can get him off my @$$! There's gotta be something I can use against him... (YPatW, still whispering) "No school tomorrow, remember? I'm just watching TV all night." (CW) "Well, I need to get something from the den." (YPatW) "What? Hey, I can get it for you!" (CW) "No, I got it..." Hmmm, now we're getting somewhere... BINGO! (TV's on to late-night cable!) "What the... hey, you watching 'Skinemax', you little perv?" (YPatW, not whispering anymore) "Crap! Don't tell mom... PLEASE don't tell mom!" (CW covers YPatW's mouth) "Shhh! Okay, dork! I promise not to tell mom if you'll just shut up and stay in here for the next half-hour, no questions asked, deal?" (YPatW) "Deeupff!" (CW, upstairs, to herself) Phew, that was a close one... [THUD] ...and THAT would be me hitting the hay! (tucks the new "speech" under sleeping Teen CW's arm) Let's do this now and get the hell outta here. Sleep tight, Cass. You got a big day tomorrow.

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(CW, returning to her room in 2008) "So. Anything happen?" (BG) "Omigod. It was so weird. The text just changed right before my eyes! Now it says, 'Salutatorian Cassie Wells delivered a passionate, uplifting speech that inspired, challenged, and overall entertained her audience.'" (CW) "YESSS! You know what we gotta do now. Go back to our own graduation and hear it for ourselves!" [1998; Cassie's speech before JTHS] (Teen CW) "...We have the courage and the determination to take whatever hardships come our way. And someday possibly live in a world where you watch TV on your cell phone, or make friends around the world on the web, or even drive 'Smart Cars' that run on vegetable oil! And in closing, I offer these words of inspiration to you. Live your life with arms wide open, today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten! Thank you and congratulations to every one of you!!!" (older CW) "I couldn't have said it better myself." (BG) "Nice touch with the Natasha Bedingfield lyrics at the end." [Back to the reunion in Shreveport] (Shanna) "Cassieeee! I haven't seen you in forever!" (CW, with Bethany in tow) "Uh, hey, Shanna!" (Shanna) "Our valedictorian's here too! Remember Victor?" (Victor Martinez) "What's up, spotlight stealer?" (CW) "Huh? (VM) "Ah, I'm messin' with ya! That speech you gave was quite memorable. In fact, I mentioned part of your speech to a friend who knew this up-and-coming Natasha singer...." (Shanna) "...And the rest is history, right? So, you getting any royalties on that?" (CW, very surprised) "What? Uh, no, I don't need 'em!" (afterwards, to BG) "...Now I wrote that! But she already... I feel so guilty now!" (BG) "Don't worry about it! We still give her the credit and she's still rich! It all works out!" (Shanna) "You remember Li, don't you, Cassie?" (Li) "Hey! How ya been?" (CW) "Just fine. I'm a nanotech engineer in Dallas now." (Li) "Cool... I'm an attorney at a law firm in Plano! Let's do lunch sometime!" (CW) "You know, Beth, I'm beginning to enjoy this reunion now..." (BG) "That's funny. Last night she said she was working tech support..." [Renaissance Festival, Magnolia, Texas] (Kristi Overbeck, with hubby TMO in the jester's cap in the background) "I say, Miss Cassandra, if indeed thou possesseth a magical pendant to takest thou back in time to the actual renaissance era, why wouldst thou even visit this place instead of experiencing the real thing?" (CW, in her gypsy outfit and "pirate Matt" behind her) "Two words, Lady Kristi. HEALTH CODE." CASSIE'S BUCKET LIST "#6 Do a television commercial... as twins." [The Coors Light commercial] [1976; the Y'all Come Back Saloon] (CW, in a pickup pulling up to the bar) "This must be the place! I always wanted to hear the inspiration behind one of those classic country songs." (MG, in cowboy hat and Bicentennial tshirt) "You think one of the Oak Ridge Boys will be here?" (CW) "I doubt it. That'd be like tryin' to find a needle in the space-time haystack!" [Old beer signs galore! Falstaff, Old Milwaukee, Coors, Miller High Life, Budweiser, Schlitz] (Singer with the tambourine) "...out in Luckenbach, Texas, ain't nobody feelin' no paiiiin! (pause for non-existent cheers) Thank you! What y'all wanna hear next? I got a million of 'em!" (CW) "Now all we need is some guy called 'Cowboy' to tell them to play 'Late Night Benediction'..." (MG, clueless) "RING OF FIRE!" [That does look like Joe Bonsall of the ORB in the background... though the song was written by Sharon Vaughn.] [Guest Strip Week 2008] [Guest Strip Showcase, with Kelly Ferndinando of Rule of Three!] (Katerli) "Hey, Stone, are you feeling better?" (Stone) "Still got a sore throat, but the porn is making me feel bett... Hey! Doesn't that girl look

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like Cassie!" (Kat) "What? Where?" (Stone) "OH MY GOD! That IS Cassie!" (Katerli) "Who'd thought Bob Saget would have a sex tape leaked?" (Stone) "Who'd thought Cassie had that pierced!" (Katerli, now on the phone...) "Hey Cassie, it's Katerli..." (Stone, holding up his "iPear") "I gotta call Floyd! He's got a thing for Cassie. [pause] Dammit Kat, the video's gone! You couldn't have waited another ten minutes to call her?" [1987] (CW, quietly) "I can't believe I left the tape behind!" (Sexing CW, off screen) "YES YES YES, GIVE IT TO ME DANNY TANNER!" (CW, to herself) This is the last time I drink four Long Island iced Teas while on the prowl for celebrity meat. [This strip not transcribed per request of the author... but the main character shows up about 400 strips later. Better drawn, too.] [Guest Strip Showcase: Mac L. Pirata] [1956; and Sam Beckett has made yet another Quantum Leap] (Sam, in farmer's overalls, holding a pig in front of a sty) "Tina's cheating on you?" (Al) "Can you believe it?" (SB) "It boggles the mind. Why am I here, Al?" (Al) "Oh, uh, Ziggy says there a 72% chance you're here to... [ Incoming Cassie from the top right!] ...Fix the pi... [RIGHT into the pig sty!] Gooshie, if you're not recording this, I'm gonna quit!" (Ziggy) WAAAH! (SB) "AL!" (CW, under Sam in the mud pit) "Huh. No one's ever called me Al before..." (MG, greeting CW at Starbucks) "Mornin' Cass!" (CW) "Hey..." (MG) "You seem a little blah. You doin' alright today?" (CW) "Eh, I guess... You ever go through a few days where you just haven't felt like yourself lately?" [ This is what tvtropes.org would call "lampshade hanging".] [2014] (BG, at a mega-mart store) "Well, it was inevitable." (CW) "Yeah, I had a feeling this was where the 'Guitar Hero' phenomenon was headed... [Banner in the background: Miley Cyrus Dakota Fanning: Girls With Slingshots (Now Available On Blu-Ray And iShow)] ...Hardcore Metal being marketed to little kids!" [Widescreen LCD with "MEGAGROUCH", and Oscar on lead guitar!] (Oscar) "PEACE SELLS... BUT WHO'S BUYIN'!!!" (BG) "WHOA! Where have YOU just been... the Prehistoric Era?" (CW, in a minimalistic "cavewoman" outfit) "Exactly... I wanted to see for myself how guys lived in the stone age... aaaand I happened to get boned by one of them." (BG) "You got some Caveman 0X?" (CW, sitting down gingerly) "Yep. I wasn't even planning on it, but he saw me, and.... um... I could tell he was... interested, and I was a bit intrigued about the idea anyway, so... yyyeah." (BG) "So what was that like?" (CW) "Just raw, emotionless doggy-style pounding. There was no foreplay, no words exchanged, no romance, no kissing... That didn't come around until the Romans, anyway. Nothing but downn-dirty grunting and %X!ng. It may ha ve seemed savage and harsh, but to me it was strangely enjoyable..." (BG) "Wow. Not even any kissing." (CW) "And that's a good thing. Oral hygiene didn't even exist back in those days. Blech..." (MG) "Perusing the Perez Hilton site again?" (CW) "Yeah... Oh crap, what did Lindsay do now... (to MG) Imagine what it would be like if Perez was around during other eras!" (BG) "Heh... That would be interesting..." ["SIR PEREZ OF HILTON Nobility Juice... Not From Concentrate!"] [CW is on World2 yet again] <ZedTheZombie, from Ted and Zed> is this a cool place or what!!! <NCDFW> yeah, I love how huge and diverse this virtual world is, with everybody putting up houses and clubs, making cars, furniture and stuff like that <ZTZ> you think it'll ever get to the point where it's like The Matrix, where you can't tell

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the real world from the fake? <NCDFW> LOL... you never know, maybe far into the future the pollution and the global warming will get so bad, we may have to retreat underground and start socializing in a Matrix-like program until the Earth is habitable again <ZTZ> LOL, so basically the Matrix starts out as a way to frolic under blue skies again after the environment gets ruined? =) <NCDFW> probably minus the energy-sucking robotic beings of course and I'm sure the technology will be advanced enough that it looks exactly like real life (MG, looking over her shoulder) "So by turning your accounts of the future into speculation, no one thinks you're serious and the continuum is preserved, eh?" (CW) "Well, when it comes to the future, sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction..." [Barack Obama at the 2008 Democratic National Convention] (MG) "Well, it's now official. Barack Obama is the Democrats' nominee!" (CW) "The first major African-American candidate for president. History in the making, indeed!" (MG) "If only the Democratic leaders of a hundred years ago could see this now. The looks on their faces would be priceless!" (CW) "Hell, they'd probably all have heart attacks! [pause, then a sidelong glance by MG at CW's time machine; CW turns away, holding on to it tightly] DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT." [Time Scene Investigation] (BG) "Hey Cassie? I think we're being watched." (CW, playing Wii Sports) "What makes you think that?" (BG) "Ohhh, I don't know... Maybe it's the fact that you can travel through time???" (CW) "Well, I kinda figured that. Did you notice anything peculiar?" (BG) "Look out front." [Exterior shot of the house] (CW) "There's a pay phone out there now. So what?" (BG) "NOBODY PUTS PAY PHONES IN NEIGHBORHOODS ANYMORE!!!" (CW, peeking out) "Oh right... Riiiight... Crap." (BG, looking out front door later with CW) "OkayNot only do I think we're being watched, but they're listening to us as well." (CW) "The phone booth still there?" (BG) "Nope. There's now a mailbox in its place. No markings or nothing... And I think I saw it shake a little. Someone's in there." (CW) "Hmmm Get me a stepping stone. (stands in front of the mailbox with a paving stone in hand ) Man, this package sure is HEAVY! I hope there's enough STAMPS on here to send it!" [KLONK!] (BG) "Nothing?" (CW) "Nope. Let me try one more thing (pulls down pants) OH $#!+ MY LAXATIVE'S KICKING IN! I'M GONNA HAVE TO DROP 'EM RIGHT HERE!" (BG) "Aim for the SLOT!" (Voice) "ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! I'M IN HERE ALREADY!!!" (CW, talking at the mailbox) "Alright, mystery person, who are you and what the hell are you doing here?" (Mailbox voice) "I work for the federal government." (CW) "Oh yeah? How do I know you're not out to rape me or rob my house or whatever?" (MV) "Look, I'm a family man and a regular churchgoer, alright? I mean no harm." (CW) "Well, how about you get out of your little mailbox, flash your badge and let's talk FACE TO FACE!!!" (Midget in shades and a suit comes out of a door on the side of the mailbox, flashing his badge) "Will two out of three be okay?" "I am Special Agent Keith Scott, and I work for the FBI in their Paranormal Case Department." (CW) "You're a um oh what am I saying" (KS) "Go ahead, you can say it. I don't mind being called a 'midget', though most of us don't take kindly to that of course" (CW, standing next to BG) Well, I wasn't gonna say that" (KS) "Though I do prefer 'dwarf', if anything just because I'm a huge 'Lord of the Rings' Fan. Anyway I specialize in covert operations, as I can disguise myself and hide in things that most people obviously can't fit in. Plus (CLIK

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WHRRRRR and suddenly he's at CW's "eye level") the Secret Service can be very accommodating, as you can see." (BG) "Wow" (KS, with BG and CW inside) "Let's get down to business here, Cassie. It has been brought to our attention that you may possess a machine that enables you to travel through time." (CW) "And where is the proof of this?" (KS) "Well, I'll show you." [Mall Security Cameras, showing CW and BG] Earlier this year, security cameras in the alley of a local mall caught the image of two figures creating a ring of light using a handheld device and disappearing into it. We didn't know what to think of it until the mall showed us footage of a similar event that took place in 1988 at the very same spot except that two identical figures were emerging from a ring of light. [KS holds some papers in his hands] "We then concluded that this was a possible time-travel occurrence. So we formed a small investigative team to seek out other local reports of similar paranormal activity. This eventually led to our ability to identify the two of you and your residence. We also looked for images or videos, dating back to the invention of photography, that might possibly contain your likeness along with the timetravel device. [Photos of CW and the RO3 girls running outside the Ed Sullivan theater from strip 65; CW catching the "fish" in strip 71] The evidence that our team came up with was quite captivating such as pictures taken at a Faith No More video shoot film footage from when the Beatles first visited New York City [shows her the article on "Crazy Cass" Wilson from strip 7!] And a certain article in a Time-Life book series on legends of the Old West. This look familiar to you?" (CW) "Um. Yeah" (to herself) I really need to cover my tracks better. (KS) "Well, Cassie, I hate to do this to you, but I have order you to hand over your time machine device." (CW) "WHAT?!?!" (KS) "What you possess is something that is a possible threat to national security. One slight alteration of history could negate THOUSANDS of lives. Hell, even wipe AMERICA OFF THE MAP!" (CW) "That's BULL$#!+! I would NEVER do anything to jeopardize this country!" (KS) "That's not good enough for the government. I'm sorry, but we must confiscate your time machine and any schematics you may have!" (CW, hands on the edge of the table) "-Sigh- Fine. I'll go get it." (KS) "Good! Thanks for coopera--" [SHOVE] "OOF!" (CW is ON THE LAM!) Okay Stay calm Just get to a previous time, reposition yourself, and get back here five minutes early (KS, into earpiece) "Subcompact to Thin Albert! Subject is fleeing! [runs after CW] Send backup IMMEDIAT [and runs right into a time portal!] WHAT THE" [FZZZT] (BG) "WHAT THE!" (CW, behind her) "He's safe. Oh, and I apologize for knocking over you and your laundry yesterday." (BG) "Cassie, WHAT THE %X?! You just made an FBI Agent DIASAPPEAR!!! You're gonna get us KILLED!" (CW, quickly pushing some buttons on her time machine) "SHHH! Calm down!" (BG) "Oh, RIGHT, CALM DOWN when OTHER AGENTS are gonna BUST IN HERE ANY %XING SECOND!" (CW) "I KNOW! I'm going NOW! I'll be back before you know it!" [1522] (CW runs through the time portal) "Okay, where you at..." (KS, off screen) "DROP THE TIME MACHINE DEVICE NOW OR I SHOOT!" (CW, holding hands halfway up and the time machine away from her) "Not a good idea, buddy. If you kill me, this thing gets destroyed and you're stuck in the 16th Century!" (KS) "How do I know you're not joking with me?" (CW) "LOOK AROUND! There's no planes, no fences, no power lines and the United States doesn't even EXIST yet, which means you have NO ONE to answer to or help

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you. So you might as well negotiate with me!" (KS) "Are you crazy? NO WAY!" (CW, turning and walking away from him) "Fine. Say 'hola' to the conquistadores for me! Oh, and I hope you speak Comanche!" (KS) "What? WAIT!..." [1522] (KS) "Look I'm putting my gun away. I know you're a level-headed lady. And I know you want to live a normal life, having made such an incredible scientific breakthrough. I'm good friends with the head of our division, we can cut you a deal." (CW, still holding the time machine away from him) "That's fine, and I believe you, BUT I won't agree to ANYTHING unless I get to keep my time machine." (KS) "Well, our only question would be, how can we trust you to be cautious and responsible about time-traveling?" (CW, holding the time machine up) "How's this I built this thing in 2005. I've been time traveling for three years now. I've shared my secret only with friends that I know I can trust with my very life." (KS) "Works for me. Now if my boss can accept that, you'll get your wish. As long as our agency gets a copy of the schematics of the time machine, and that you'll be available to help us if we need assistance with a case." (CW, sitting on the ground) "Oooh, I can be a part-time spy?" (KS) "Something like that." (CW) "I think I can live with that." (KS) "Cool. So are the schematics at your house?" (CW) "Um No, they're kinda Written in invisible ink on the back of the Declaration of Independence." (KS, shocked) "ARE YOU SERIOUS???" (CW, grinning) "NOPE! But did you ever see National Treasure? I LOVED that movie!" [Back to 2008] (BG) "Oh, RIGHT, CALM DOWN when OTHER AGENTS are gonna BUST IN HERE ANY %XING SECOND!" (CW) "I KNOW! I'm going NOW! I'll be back before you know it!" [ FBI Agents barge in!] (FBI Agent, presumably "Thin Albert") FREEZE!" (Agent 2) "Where's AGENT SCOTT???" (BG) "OH $#!+" [Time portal fades out behind Cassie, then] (KS, behind them both with CW) "I'm right here, guys Lower your weapons! These young ladies are gonna cooperate with us." (CW) "Start packing, Bethany They're flying us and Matt to Washington!" [Washington DC, the Pentagon, 2008] (FBI Department of Paranormal Activity Director, voice-overs of the photo of the Pentagon) "So we have your word that you won't mess with any political leaders, past or present and you'll keep your time-travel ing out of the public eye?" (CW) "Uh-huh!" (BG) "Yes, Sir!" (MG) "Sure thing!" (Dept. Director, seated with KS at a table in the Pentagon) "Good Any other questions?" (MS) "Um, yeah Have y'all really encountered aliens from other planets?" (DD) "We can tell you, but we'd have to wipe your brain afterwards" (KS) "Ah, no need, no one's gonna believe him. Yes, Matt, we have." [Cassie is trying to keep from laughing] (MG) "Oh cool HEYYY" (KS) "Alright, then So now there's just the small matter of getting the time machine schematics to us." (CW) "No problem. I'll be back in a second!" (KS) "So Cassie hid the schematics somewhere in this building?" [assuming the Pentagon] (MG) "Umm No To quote Doc Brown, 'You're not thinking fourth-dimensionally.'" (BG) "Cassie could leave here, fly to wherever she hid the schematics, then go back to whenever she hid them, retrieve them, maybe stay at a hotel somewhere, then fly back and timewarp back to a few seconds after when she left here." (KS, confused with the rest of us) "Ah okay." (BG) "See? She's back already!" (MG) "Hey Nice getup!" (CW, dressed as an ancient Roman woman) "Thanks. I'm glad they never got everything dug up in Pompeii" [Dallas-Fort Worth International Airport, exterior] (CW, voiceover of the photo of the terminal) "So. I guess you'll

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be shadowing us now, huh?" (KS) "Not really. I work out of Austin, and I am kept real busy. I'll just check up on you folks about once a month. We do want to give you this, though. It's a 'Men In Black' style neuralyzer. (handing her the device) I know it doesn't look like the oversized pen in the movie, but it works the same way. (close-up of the machine, with readouts for WEEKS, DAYS, HOURS, MINS SECS) We understand that you'll meet new people from time to time, and eventually you'll have to tell some of them about your special secret but in case they can't keep a secret and you'll know because everything around you will start to change instantly that's when you'll pull this out, set it and zap 'em with it." (CW) "May I ask what y'all are gonna do with the time machine plans?" (KS) "Build our own time machines, of course! Your discovery is a powerful tool that our secret service can use to the benefit of our nation. That's why we're keeping you 'in the loop' here. I've assigned Agent Malcom Waxer to oversee the project, so you may hear from him if he has questions." [BG comes in from off-screen, wearing the time machine, handing something to CW] (CW) "Cool. Oh, thanks, Beth. Well, just to show there's no hard feelings, I had Bethany get this for you." (KS) "The 'LORD OF THE RINGS' TRILOGY?" (CW) "And not just ANY old 'Lord of the Rings' books the first printings from 1955!" [1981] (MG, in the Luke Duke "fro" on the ground next to the General Lee) "AARRRRRGGGGHHH Tom Wopat made it look so EASY!" [BG is laughing hysterically, while CW is trying hard not to laugh and failing] (CW, in her "Daisy Dukes") "HAHAHAAHA -GASP- Uh Matt, hon, COLE RICHARDS [the fictional editor of PvP Magazine, who owns a copy of the General Lee] could slide across that hood better than you did!" (MG) "I heard there's a sequel to 300 in the works" (CW, at her computer) "Heh Maybe it'll be called 301? 400?" (MG) "Another 300? Hellenic Boogaloo? Ha ha haaa" (CW) "And remember all those gag pics featuring that one shot of Leonidas?" (MG) "I wonder what the real Leonidas would have thought about how he was portrayed!" (CW) "Well, funny you should mention that" [480 BC] (Cassie shows Leonidas the "Scream" picture via a "parchment scroll") (Leonidas) "GAAAHHHH!!!" [CW's couch & TV] (CW) "Nothing good on TV tonight?" (MG) "Naah. I figured I'll just watch some old sitcoms." (CW) "Oh cool. Is this 'Maude'?" (MG) "Yeah, I always liked this show. She was a take-no-bull$#!+ kinda lady!" (CW) "And I bet you anything she'd have voted for Hillary." [Theme song change!] (Maude theme song) "Cassie Wells gave the Puritans hell, and disappeared before they burned that witch up (Wohh yeah...) " (MG) "Huh? That's not..." (Song) "And when the country was falling apart, Betsy Ross had it all stitched up!" (MG) "Care to explain yourself, witch?" (CW) "It was a trip to Salem gone horribly wrong. But I didn't think I'd be THAT legendary!" (Song) "And then there's Mauuude..." [This Means Gridiron War] (Rodney Ostermayer, and his first appearance as the Annoying UT grad, getting excited for the 2008 UT/OU game) "Alright. The Big TexasOklahoma game is THIS weekend! It's gonna KICK ass! Who's with me? (the rest of the break room clears out, except CW...) Way to be enthusiastic people. Geez..." (CW) "Not everyone's a football nut here, Rodney." (RO) "Yeah I know. Still... it's like I'm working with a lot of Aggies at TerCon!" (CW) "Nah. Aggies SUCK, and nobody around here really sucks!" (RO) "Well, I'm glad to know you're on my side here! Hook 'em Horns!!! Right, Cassie? [pause] Cassie?" (CW, embarrassed smile FTW) "Um... Boomer Sooner?"

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[TerCon reception area] (RO) "You're goin' DOWN, baby!" (CW) "Bring it, bitch!" (BG) "Did I just hear you make a bet?" (CW) "Yeah, just simple humiliation type bet. My alma mater against his, no cash involved." (BG) "Well, I guess you got a sure thing going, huh?" (CW) "Nope! I'm not gonna even touch the time machine. I plan to play fair and square!" (BG) "Really? You sure you can resist the temptation?" [phone rings] (CW) "Of course! My willpower is bulletproof! Now if you'll excuse me, I've got work to do..." (BG, into headset) "Thank you for calling TerCon, how may I direct your call?... Ok, just a moment..." [pause] (CW, handing Bethany the time machine) "Here. I don't wanna see you again until Monday Morning!" (BG) "Bang bang." [And the winnah was... TEXAS 45, Oklahoma 35] (BG) "Lost the bet, huh?" (CW, wearing an orange "Hook 'Em" hat and "I'm Bevo's BITCH" T-shirt) "I'm SO tempted to go back and kick my own ass for doing this..." (Smiling Rodney in the background) [TMO posted an "alternate" version that would have run if OU had won, with Rodney wearing a "SAWED OFF!" t-shirt and a Sooners cap, saying "-Sigh- at least it wasn't Aggie colors."] (CW, getting the machine back from BG): "So, did you do anything special with the time machine over the weekend? (BG) "Well, I wanted to try some weed so I went back to when the drug laws weren't so severe." (CW) "REALLY?" (BG) "Yeah, I really wanted the whole Seventies pot experience You know, like Laying in the back seat of a muscle car all stoned while listening to an 8-track tape of Yes." (CW, somewhat ironically) "Far out. So did you do it?" (BG) "Yep. And the best part is, I didn't have to spend any money to get the buds!" (CW) "Ah A little '@$$ for Grass' trade-off, huh." (BG) "HAHAHA Nope. Didn't have to do that either! I had a better thing to barter with" [1977 the webcomic!] (BG) "And in return Here's my picture of Kiss' Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley WITHOUT makeup!" [Photo, of course, is from Lick It Up five years later] (Bud Chambers) "WHOA!" (Jeff Bergstrom) "DUDE UNREAL!" (Robyn McKenna) "SEE? I told you Paul's hotter without the clown face!" ("Troubles", aka Lorraine della Fazia) "Well, I don't care HOW Gene looks. As long as he still works that tongue!" (KS meets up with CW and MG at the local Starbucks) "Everything going good with you folks?" (CW) "Yep! How are the wife and kids?" (KS) "They're fine. Oldest son's set to graduate from Leander High next year." (MG) "You don't mind us asking about your personal life, do you, Agent Scott?" (KS, lowering his "elevator shoes" to have a seat) "Oh, not at all! I'm glad we can talk like we're normal people in normal walks of life." (CW) "So what kind of music do you listen to?" (KS) "Well, I grew up in the 70's and 80's, so I'm partial to the classic rock of that time but I do like some of the new stuff out there, like Ben Folds and Kings of Leon." (MG) "I bet you hate Randy Newman, though." (KS) "HA! You'd think, but no. I get what he was doing with that song, satirizing prejudice and all that." (takes a sip of his coffee) (CW) "Still I can take you back to '78 and you can punch him in the balls or something!" (KS) "Maybe just a good-natured wedgie" [1017 BC; The Giant is terrorizing the land what's this? A little boy with a sling and a stone? WHACK! Right on the forehead! DOWN GOES GOLIATH! DOWN GOES GOLIATH! The triumphant David holds up his severed head to the crowd, who carry him off but an interested party lags behind...] (MG takes out some paint and a brush from his satchel, and paints some undecipherable words for the confused old man who passes by Goliath's headless body) PWN3D

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[The Freaks Come Out At Night] [CW Halloween Party Webcomic theme!] (CW, as Nemi from PSI) "Alright! We all set for our party tonight?" (BG, as one of the Daft Dancers) "I'm ready I hope Wanda shows up, we've been practicing our bit for days" [Doorbell] (CW) "Hi Matt! Oh COOL! I just LOVE your Brent costume!" (MG, as Brent Sienna from PvP complete with biting panda!) "Macs rule, PC's drool, babe!" (CW) "Just set the chips on the table there." (MG) "You did get all the expiration dates removed from everything right? Remember two years ago!" (CW) "Sure did... Sheesh... Everything was actually fresh, it's not like the stuff really sat there since 1983!" (MG) "Still... I just don't wanna clean up any more puke from panicky snoops this year!" [Nelson and Kat from Tiki Coladas dressed up as Morris Day and Sheila E] (CW) "Nelson! Kat! Thanks so much for stopping by! Y'all look great!" (Nelson) "Our pleasure, Cass! I wish we could stay longer, but we've got our own bash to manage Tiki's, of course..." (Kat) "We wouldn't miss this for the world, sweetie!" (Wanda, as the "other" Daft Dancer) "So... you ready to do this, Beth?" (BG) "Sure! My 'Better' is a bit sore, but I'll get through it!" [Doorbell again] (CW) "Hi, Rodney! Where's Maggie, she couldn't make it?" (Rodney, dressed as Cutter Edgewise from Starslip Crisis) "Nope, she's home sick with the flu, but she didn't want to miss the party... (pulls out his MacBook to reveal JenniCam!) ...So this is her Halloween costume!" (MH, over the speakers) "Hold me up higher, Rodney, jeez! Heyy, Cassie! Are you Nemi? That's so cute!" (MG) "A MacBook... Good choice!" [NOTE: this comic is dated 11/4/2008, the day before the election of BHO] (MG) "Where's Cassie?" (BG) "She won't be back until Wednesday." (MG) "So she's not gonna vote... or did she already do that?" (BG) "Yeah, she went to early voting a week ago. She told me she was tired of all the media saturation regarding the election..." [416,000,000 BC] (BG, in background) ...So she's going somewhere for a few days to totally relax and put her mind at ease. (CW, thinking to herself as she lays out on a blanket with a cooler) Ahh... Absolute peace & quiet... when life hasn't evolved yet into anything that might kill me... [1812; CW is looking off-screen, dressed as a French aristocratic lady as a voice which we already suspect is MG is speaking to two people off-screen] (MG) "I've got nice bags of gold for both of your if you'll do this one extra portrait for me! [CW rolls her eyes] Okay, hold this... Don't worry, it's not lit..." (CW, as we see we are in an artist's studio) "I apologize, Monsieur Bonaparte. I know you don't get what we're doing, but... where we come from he thinks it's very humorous." [Oui, c'est Napoleon holding... Dynamite.] (MG) "SSSWEET!" (CW exiting out the back door of her home to take out the trash. Next to the rolling trash container is a Fisher-Price PowerWheels Cadillac Escalade. Cassie doesn't bat an eye as she puts the bag in the container... until) "Good morning, Agent Scott." (KS, waving through the "roof" of the car) "-Sigh- Am I being that obvious?" [1987; CW catches Ellen DeGeneres at the Improv!] (CW) "Ellen? Hey! I loved your show, I laughed my ass off all night!" (ED) "Aw, thanks, I'm glad you liked it!" (CW) "I certainly did... I'm a huge fan of yours, I watched all those HBO shows you did!" (ED) "Well, color me flattered. I appreciate you coming out!" [Freudian slip?] (CW) "No problem. You know, maybe one of these days you'll get your own star-studded talk show!" (ED) "Ha! That's real sweet of you, but... I really can't see myself doing the whole Johnny Carson thing!" (CW) "Well, just make it your own thing... Maybe even dance around a little..."

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[World2 once again... and this time we meet a new character...] <NCDFW> So how long have you been online? <Philip78TX remember that name> This is gonna sound so nerdy... since 1993, when I was 15 and a computer geek <NCDFW> No way! Did you have an AOL account? :) <P78TX> LOL... I kept getting the AOHell disks in the mail, but no... I was a CompuServe kid [P78's avatar is dressed in black w/white hair] <NCDFW> LOL, I remember those disks... our family had the internet since 1996, and those modems are so agonizingly slooooooow now <P78TX> I remember when 28.8 dialup was a luxury... LMAO XD <NCDFW> LOL, we're so spoiled now <P78TX> And it was mostly us tech nerds online back then, not the broad spectrum of people from all walks of life on MySpace... the chatrooms would be discussing nothing but sci-fi shows, graphic novels and technical stuff <NCDFW> I'm not at all surprised by that [1994; CW on her laptop in the old AOL chatrooms!] <NCDFW> So, who watched the latest Seinfeld last night? <XfilesPhile> Who cares about Seinfeld? Such a whiner <UltimaGuru> Hey NE1 see The Mask yet? <WolverineSTL> I did, it was OK, but I still like the comic books better [TerCon front desk] (BG) "HAHAHAHAAA!" (CW) "What's up with you?" (BG) "Just reading the latest 'Least I Could Do' before we open. Rayne is such an @$$!" (CW) "Oh, I need to show you a couple of comics that I just discovered 'Imy' and 'Geminni'!" (BG) "Hold on... Let me finish with 'The Kamics'..." (RO) "Y'all talking about webcomics? I love PVP and Penny Arcade... then again I am a video game freak..." (CW, as she closes one eye) "Don't forget 'Starslip', Rodney... Or should I say, 'Cutter'..." (RO) "Oh yeah... HA... Good times. Beth, you ever read 'Blood Groove'?" (BG) "On occasion. I'm more into stuff like 'Candi', 'Girly' and 'Octopus Pie'..." (CW) "I'm more a fan of offbeat humor, like 'Circle vs. Square' or 'Diesel Sweeties' or 'Zorphbert & Fred'." (BG) "I wonder if the new 'Real Life Adventures' is up yet!" (RO, wandering off-screen) "I'm hearing the fax machine..." (BG) "You into those graphic-novel-ish webcomics like 'Salt The Holly', 'Due East' or 'Phoenix Requiem'?" (CW) "Not really... but I do like 'Of Snakes And Apples'... If Adam really looked that hot, I'd go back to Genesis in an instant!" (BG) "Oh cool... 'XKCD' just got updated!" (CW, to Rodney) "Is that fax for one of us?" (RO) "Yeah. Who's L.P. Hogan and why is he telling us to SHUT THE %X UP?" [The inside joke, of course, is the names of all the various other webcomics including a few that will cross paths with Cassie in the coming years and L.P. Hogan, the keeper of the Webcomic Crossover & Cameo Archive] "If Historical Figures Did Television Commercials", #3 [1876; Little Big Horn] "Hello, it's General Custer's phone. General Custer doesn't have AT&T, so he doesn't get any bars out here at Little Big Horn, Montana. Which means Mister Gung-Ho over there [background is the painting of the Battle of Little Big Horn] never got that urgent message from President Grant saying we're severely outnumbered, hold off the attack until reinforcements arrive! ("Drawn" Custer has arrows in him all over as he leans on his gun) Point well taken... All twenty-odd of them." [1657] (Pilgrim, to CW and MG) "There was a gigantic, terrible storm last month that wiped out all our crops and livestock, so we don't know what we're going to do about a Thanksgiving dinner!" (CW) "Hmm... Sounds like a hurricane, Matt." (Indian squaw) "Our tribe brought some corn and an assortment of grains, might something be done with those?" (MG) "I've got an idea... One that I can thank my good friend Charles Brown for... [MG explaining the cooking process] ...And you put the dried

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kernels into the pot with some cooking oil, shake it around for a few minutes and soon they'll start popping. That's why we call it popcorn!" (Pilgrim) "Delicious!" (Lady Pilgrim, holding a baked-dough pretzel) "Am I doing these pretzels right?" (BG, holding a plate of toast) "What? No jellybeans?" (CW, holding a bowl of butter) "Those won't be around for another couple centuries..." [...which was the only thing missing from the "A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving" menu.] [Close Encounters Of The Turd Kind] (CW, looking up at the stars and thinking to herself) Sometimes I just gotta stop, lay back and marvel at the vast endless array of stars up there. Just staring into the endless depths of space reminds me that I'm only a microscopic speck in the cosmos. A fragile life on a fragile ecosystem that are very few and far between in the universe. It kinda gives me a better appreciation of life... and a sobering realization of just how precious our lives are. Well, I better get back home. There's no telling what kind of freaks are lurking in this park late at night... [As she is about to run into Blurg from Last Stop Comics!] (CW, surprised) "Oh my... Um... Hi... Greetings... Uh..." (Blurg) "Hello, miss." (CW) "Oh, you speak English!" (Blurg) "Yes... My name is Blurg, I'm from a distant galaxy and I'm making a routine trip to your planet." (CW) "Um... Okay, well, I'm Cassie. So... What are you here for, Blurg. You want me to take you to our leader? Get something to eat? Go out to a nightclub or something like that?" [Every alien clich in the book...] (Blurg) "You know where the nearest 'Home Depot' is? I need about three dozen toilet seats..." (CW) "So, Blurg, what's with all the toilet seats?" (Blurg) "I work for an outer-space rest stop. We get a good number of travelers, enough to just get by financially. [Cast of Last Stop in background as Blurg explains] We make our money by selling toiletries to our clients. My boss is a pretty decent guy and a good friend... though he's a little bit slimy. Literally. (Parking lot of Home Depot) We usually make a supply run on Halloween. We don't get as many strange looks from Earthlings on that day." (CW, pulling her car into a parking space) "Makes sense. You want me to go in and get the seats for you?" (Blurg) "Normally I'd let you... but I can't remember the brand or model Klunk wants me to get. I'd know it if I saw it... So how can I get in there and pick it out without causing a commotion?" (CW) "Hmmm... I've got an idea... If you can sneak over to the garden hoses..." [CW has Blurg on a flatbed cart, sitting on top of a garden hose] (HD Customer) "Oh, how cute! Where can I get one of those sprinkler toys?" (CW) "I... uh... Just got the last one. Sorry 'bout that." (Blurg, as they cart away the toilet seats with the garden hose on top) "I'm glad to be off that garden hose. That thing was a couple inches away from an unpleasant situation." (CW) "I'm just glad no one said a word about what sat on the hose." (Blurg) "In fact, you can keep the hose. My gift to you for your help." (CW) "Well... uh..." (Blurg) "Just soak that end in some dark beer. That'll kill all the germs our kind gets." (CW) "Ah, okay. (realizing) Hey, what's a lawn mower doing all the way out here by itself?" (Blurg) "Somebody just left it there? That's way too big to be forgotten." (CW) "Oh, wait, I know what's going on... Agent Scott? He's not gonna harm me, I'm just helping him out!" (KS, emerging from the top of the mower) "Sigh- I knew I should've gone with the scooter. [ to Blurg] Okay, green man... What are you doing outside of the approved E-T roam zones?" (Blurg) "I'm sorry, sir. I'm not the one that usually does business on earth..." (KS) "Okay, I'll let you slide this time. But for future reference, the only areas on earth that aliens can roam

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freely are the Bermuda Triangle, Area 51 in Nevada, Roswell and Tokyo." (Blurg) "Thank you, sir, I'll make a note of that! [CW's car is packed and loaded] Wow, that was close! I know I didn't need any drama here right now." (CW) "Yeah, Agent Scott can be a nice, friendly guy, but he does mean business when you get down to it." (Blurg) "Alright, just turn here... and my spaceship is straight ahead! Thanks again for all your help!" (CW) "No problem! [looking out no ship!] Ummm... is it still here?" (Blurg) "Oh yeah. I already know to use the cloaking device while I'm on Earth. Check it out... I just saved up enough to get my ship restyled!" [BLOOP It's the spaceship from the cover of Boston's first album with "BLURG" instead of "BOSTON"] (CW) "Oh, WAY COOL!" (Blurg) "Thanks! I got the idea from one of Klunk's old record albums." [Blurg zooms away as CW explains what happened to BG] (CW) "So I helped him load his spaceship, he gave me a little business card, and then zoomed away. Unbelievable, isn't it? My first alien encounter." (BG) "Well, after hearing the truth from Agent Scott, I can believe it." (CW, looking up at the stars with BG) "I always knew we weren't alone in the universe. We couldn't have been, what with all the trillions of stars. What are the odds?" (BG) "And to think that there's enough intelligent life zipping around in the cosmos for space rest stops to be doing good business..." (CW) "Makes you wonder just how far apart everyone is out there... and if we'll get another alien visit soon." [Meanwhile, behind them "WE ARE STILL HOLDING ELVIS PRESLEY'S BRAIN HOSTAGE ON PLANET ZORT. ALERT ANDERSON COOPER" (A reference to a recurring joke in Bloom County)] (CW dreams of bringing some Christmas Cheer to an old Scrooge Ebenezer Scrooge, that is) I knew a stubborn old miser like Scrooge would love those books... [Which happen to be Dilbert by Scott Adams!] [Christmas dinner at CW's] (BG) "Well, I'm stuffed!" (MH) "That was truly delectable, Cassie!" (CW) "Aww... Thank you so much!" (KS) "There's a lot of leftovers here... You need any help putting them up?" (CW) "Nah. Just wait a couple minutes." (And... MG is the first to show up through the time portal) "Hey... Don't mind me, Just want some fresh ham." (Then "future" BG appears in a time portal as BG watches herself) "Oh good, there's still some casserole left!" (KS) "I gotta say that's pretty clever of you!" (CW) "And the best part is: no freezer burn or microwave cold spots!" [One FCW reaches in over on the right for a roll, while another FCW takes a plate away from MG] (MG) "Hey! I was gonna eat that!" (FCW with an obvious puke stain on her shirt) "It makes you puke tomorrow. I'm just saving us a bunch of trouble!" (CW, thinking to herself) Okay, I wonder what New Year's resolutions I want to do this time... [Suddenly, the time portal opens and older CW comes running in] (FCW) "Uggh. Where is it??? My granddaughter's wedding is RUINED without it!!! Oh... thank God... I thought this was lost FOREVER. Just sit tight, younger me, I'll bring this back in a second after I make a copy of this!" (CW of today, writing to herself) "#1: Save recipes to computer and make Multiple Backups..." [2009 begins] [Busting Bono's Balls] [1982; the outdoor setting of U2's "New Years Day" video] (Bono, singing) "All is quiiiet/on New Year's Daaay..." (MG, off to the side) "Fraud!!! Today's not New Year's Day, it's not even JANUARY!" [Which is the truth it was shot in December of 1982.] CASSIE'S BUCKET LIST "#7 Get involved in a David Letterman bit of some sort." [1985] (Letterman, on the set of Late Night on NBC, is doing the "Camera on the Street"

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shtick) "Excuse me, ma'am, what's your name?" (CW, in an obvious 80's outfit with a purple top!) "Cassie." (DL) "Hi, Cassie! Where ya from?" (CW) "Dallas." (DL) "Dallas! You work for Ewing Oil? Hah hahhh..." (CW) "Haha... no!" (DL) "Okay, so, Cassie... Ah... You have any paper clips in your handbag there?" (CW) "Um, actually, yeah, I think I have some!..." (RO) "Hey, Cass." (CW) "Hey Rod." [ awkward silence as CW pours her coffee into her OU mug... and Rodney waits for the comment with his UT mug] (CW) "Yeah, well... You guys still didn't finish number one." [The Sooners lost to the University of Florida in the BCS Championship Game] (RO) "WHATEVER." [TMO: "If Cassie's Sooners would have won, in the last panel she would've said, 'Well, we lost the battle but we won the war' instead. Rodney's reaction wouldn't have changed, though."] (CW, in bed, to herself) Time to get up and go to work, lazy@$$... (yawning as she's waking up) "Yaww... huh?" (CW jogs past her sleepy self) "Hey... don't mind me..." (Just getting out of the shower) "OH!" (another CW) "Oh $#!+... my bad!" (in the kitchen and another CW is having a bowl of cereal! It's yummy OY Puffs!) "Milk was gonna go bad tomorrow, so..." (CW) "Oh, that's fine, go right ahead!" (in the living room, yet ANOTHER CW is watching TV) "Have a good day at work!" (CW) "Er... Thanks." (to herself as she walks past ANOTHER CW watering flowers) It must be an incredibly nice day today if I'm overlapping myself that much already... [1930; The Sultan Ahmed Mosque] (Turkish gentleman) "Well, it's quite simple, actually. Nothing really drastic happened to warrant the switch. We just got tired of the old name, we wanted something a bit more simple. You ever known someone whose name everyone mispronounces? We got it all the time, and it could get frustrating. 'Hey, welcome to Constinopal!' 'Ever been to Cosannapodal?' 'I know a good restaurant in Costanzanoble!' And so on..." (CW) "So they really 'just liked it better that way'... Well, that's another song mystery solved!" (MG) "We're not telling Jimmy Kennedy, right? Because I always liked how They Might Be Giants covered it!" ["Istanbul (Not Constantinople) ", by They Might Be Giants for Tiny Toons Adventures] "If Historical Figures Did Television Commercials", #4: [1941] (Woody Guthrie is walking down "that ribbon of highway"...) "Well I'm now wall-kiiiing / Down this ribbon of high-waaay / Because of my cre-dit scoooore / I can't get a good caaar todaaay / If I went to free Cred / It Reee-port dot-commmm / Fords wouuuuld be maaade / For you and meeee!" [This Land Is Your Land probably wouldn't have been used as a commercial jingle...] (CW in the lab) "I'm gonna take a short break." (Gordo, CW's unnamed lab director, more interested in his microscope) "`Kay." (CW, activating the time portal in another room, to herself) I knew I'd get all worked up sooner or later today... (punching the keys on the building alarm) Or make that tonight... Okay, turn off alarm... (emerges from what appears to be the ladies' room holding her lab-coat closed) And... I'm all set! He should be here soon. Hopefully I gave him good directions the other night. (Chad, who is greeted at the door by Cassie in a pink nightie) "Cassie!" (CW) "Hey, Chad! You're right on time!" [passionate kiss at the door] (Chad) "I didn't see any cars out front, so I didn't know if you were here..." (CW, tugging him by the tie and leading him past the front desk) "Well I am, so... you ever done it on top of a conference table before?" [I, Ro-Hot] (MG enters) "Well, I'm here... What's the big announcement?" (BG, shrugging) "Cassie hasn't told me yet. In fact, she hasn't gotten back yet from whenever she...

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(enter CW via time portal) Oh never mind, here she is." (CW) "Hey you two! I'm so excited about this... (flik flick of the machine) It took a LOT of saving up, especially with how prices get 20 years from now, but I feel this investment is worth every penny! Meet... (time portal, and through it emerges...) ...our new robot roommate!" (introducing itself) "Hello! I am Robotron Model MIRA-7, ready for configuration!" [BG is standing with her mouth agape] (MG) "Suddenly, I feel like I'm in a cross between 'Three's Company' and 'Small Wonder'..." (CW) "What a coincidence! I designed her to look like a hot grown-up Vicki!" (MIRA) "I'm... Fantastic!" (BG) "So her name is Mira, then?" (CW) "Well, no, that's what her model name is. We can give her a name of her own." (MIRA) "MIRA stands for Multifunctional Interactive Robotic Assistant. My version, MIRA-7, first went on sale in 2023 and was a top seller worldwide." (CW) "I actually bought her in 2027, just after her model was discontinued, so she was a relative bargain! She's got 500 exabytes of memory, and she's fully customizable... like a humanoid 'Dremel' tool!" (BG) "Hmmm... Well, since you say you made her to look like an adult Vicki from 'Small Wonder', how about we rename her Nicki, short for 'Not Vicki'?" (CW) "I like that! Okay, I hope I do this correctly... MIRA-7 Serial Number X202-S197-OAJ, I am Admin Cassie. Passcode Rufus. Change your default name to... Nicki, spellout N-I-C-K-I. Confirm that?"(Nicki) "Confirmed. (In an innocent little girl voice) What were those words for, Mommy?" (CW) "Smart@$$." (MG) "Wow. An 'A.I.' quote! She sure knows her obscure films!" (CW) "Oh yeah, she's also got a crazy sense of humor. Nicki, do your 'Terminator' impersonation!" (Nicki) "I'm from da FYO-CHAH!" [Even MORE obscure: "Rufus" is a reference to 'Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure'!] (MG) "So, Nicki... I take it you can perform all kinds of duties." (Nicki) "Anything a human being can accomplish, and then some! I can lift up to 200 pounds!" (MG) "How about... you know... sexual performance?" (Nicki) "Uhhhuh... Cassie told me you'd ask that eventually..." (MG) "So... are you able to %X me or what?" (Nicki, angrily) "Even if I HAD the appropriate parts to engage in sexual intercourse, I can ONLY take commands from either CASSIE or BETHANY." (MG) "`Appropriate Parts'? You mean you don't have a vagina???" (Nicki) "Only the 'Cybernetic Libido Interactive Technology' line has anatomically accurate genitalia... and I am NOT a 'CLIT' model." (CW) "I didn't get Nicki so she could be your sex toy, ya perv..." (CW, at the computer, hooked up to her new "external hard drive") "Okay, let's alter some settings here... Reset date to February 6, 2009." (Nicki) "Unable to process request. I cannot reset my internal clock before my manufacture date of July 30, 2023." (CW, suddenly realizing this won't be easy) "$#!+... Nicki, what do you know about the concept of time travel?" (Nicki) "Time-traveling into the future was theorized by Albert Einstein and further researched by Michio Kaku. No possibility exists for time-traveling into the past." (CW, to herself) I was afraid of this... Okay, let's try hacking her core memory... Dammit, I can't do that EITHER! Well, there's only one person I can turn to now... (goes outside) "AGENT SCOTT? KEITH? ARE YOU OUT HERE? I NEED YOUR HELP!!!" (nothing; to herself) %X. This would be a day off for him. Now what... [CW re-enters the house just as a dog comes running into the yard] (KS) "Cassie? CASSIE! I ran out of water and had to get... Crap. I hope the door-scratching mechanism works on this thing." (CW, introducing KS to a seated Nicki) "So. What do you think? Does Nicki give new meaning to the phrase Hot

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New Technology, or what?" (KS, the "dog disguise" over on the side) "Amazing! All the physical functions of a human being, and an artificial brain with half a trillion gigs of memory? How is this possible?" (Nicki) "It's made with Synthnapse, a circuitry technology patented in 2021 that mimics nerve functions and brain activity in humans." (CW) "So is there anything your top-secret labs can do? She still believes it's 2027 and that we're unable to timetravel to the past." (KS) "Well, it just so happens that we have some people doing research into that very technology she mentioned." (CW) "Awesome! If y'all can please fix this for me, I'll get you and your team anything you want! Anything! Just name it!" (KS) "I know what I want. An original 'Lord Of The Rings' movie poster." (CW) "Well, that's easy enough..." (KS) "...from the animated 1978 film." (CW) "Ooh, you're sinister!" (KS) "We're all set. Our lab guys are looking forward to meeting your new robot friend here!" (CW) "How long do you think it'll take?" (KS) "It may be a while. We've made significant progress in our 'Synthnapse studies, but she may be a tough nut to crack. It may take days, even weeks to alter her memory." (CW) "-Sigh- Okay, let me get this over with. (going into "code" mode) Nicki, Admin Cassie, Passcode Rufus, grants temporary complete admin privileges to Keith Scott, including software modification and delegation of authority. Confirm that?" (Nicki) "Confirmed. Keith, please create a new passcode by saying 'New Passcode' and whatever it is." (KS) "Um... alright. New passcode... Bushwick." (Nicki) "Confirmed passcode 'Bushwick' and saved your voiceprint. I can now take commands from you, Keith." (KS, to Cassie) "Don't you worry. She'll be in very good hands. I'm confident our staff can get this done." [Robot hugs] (Nicki) "Goodbye, Cassie. I'll be back soon!" (CW) "I'm gonna miss you, Nicki! ( car pulls off) Crap. And I was just getting used to having her around, too. This better not take a hell of a long time... [Time portal!] (KS, with Nicki in a new outfit behind him) "Oh yeah, did I mention we have our own time machine now?" (BG) "Wow! Back already?" (CW) "Well, kinda. Agent Scott's got his own time machine now, so they're here from the future." (BG) "So is everything all fixed now?" (CW) "We shall soon find out. Nicki, what year is this?" (Nicki) "We are currently in the year 2009." (CW) "And what about time traveling?" (Nicki) "Time travel, to the future or past, is made possible through the emission of energy from Element 150 also known as Sesquicentium which when used in conjunction with a laser, creates a time portal of varying size. This is very classified information known only to a secret branches of the US Government, as well as Cassie Wells, the physicist who first created Sesquicentium, and a few of her close friends." (CW) "YAY! Thank you SO much, Keith! You and everyone else who worked on her!" (KS) "No problem, Cassie! You still up to the task of getting some stuff for our team members?" (CW) "Of course! Just hand me the list! " (KS) "It took a team of seven about three weeks from today to probe her memory bank and make the alterations, so that should be plenty of time to get all this." (CW, reading the list) "Okay, I don't know if I can get one of the Dead Sea Scrolls for Randy." (KS) "Yeah, I told him that. He says if not, he'll settle for a Roman chariot." [The TLT Scavenger Hunt!] (MG, at his apartment) "Hey ladies! What brings y'all here?" (CW, with BG) "Well, Matt. Now that my robot's fixed, I'm in a good mood. So I'll let her do something special for you!" (MG) "REALLY?" (CW) "Uh-huh!" Just go and make yourself comfortable on the couch there... Nicki, I want you to give Matt a lap dance!" (Nicki, in a little red dress) "Sure thing... You ready, stud?" (MG)

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"Wow... %X YEAH!" (Nicki) "That's right, big boy, you're in for a special treat!" (BG, leaving) "Have fun!" (MG) "Built-in music and everything! This is awesome!" ["I Know What Boys Like" by The Waitresses coming from her crotch????] (CW, whispering to a giggling BG) "And Matt discovers that Nicki doesn't have nipples in three... two... one..." (MG, off-screen) "AAAGH! $#!+! WHAT THE...! ...Okay...I'm just too weirded out to be turned on now..." (Nicki) "Shut up and ENJOY IT, PUNK!" (CW, listening to the Christian Bale "audio rant" from Terminator: Salvation) "Wow. Why does Christian Bale get so riled over stuff like that?" (MG) "No big surprise. He's been like that for a while now." (CW) "And how would you know?" (MG) "I got on as an extra in a film I always wanted to be in, and I was just busting his balls all the time..." [2004: The set of "Batman Begins"] (Christian Bale, as Batman) "I'm Batman." (MG, in the background) "Hey, it's Gotham-ian Psycho! Ya like playing dress-up, Pat?" (Bale) "CUT!!! Chris, WHAT THE %X'S going on here?" [Meta-joke: Bale's rant was because his director kept walking on-screen in the background behind him on the TS set the same as Matt did.] (CW, with Nicki) "So, how are you adjusting to the preandroid world?" (Nicki) "Well, I do know my wireless modem doesn't pick up as much internet activity. And now that I'm the only one of my type in existence for the time being, I no longer have any counterparts to communicate with online." (CW) "Oh dear. I'm sorry, I feel like I took you away from all of your robot friends!" (Nicki) "Oh, don't feel bad, I'm not one to get lonely. In fact, I've managed to find quite a few sentient artificial intelligence entities out there that are advanced enough to carry on entertaining little chats with me!" (CW) "Really... Do tell!" [An apartment building in Northampton, Massachusetts...] (Hannelore Ellicott-Chatham of Questionable Content) "What's up with Pintsize?" (Marten Reed) "I think he's found someone new to fantasize over." (Hanners) "Ew. I don't think I even want to know how he does that." [Pintsize the AnthroPC has "<3<3<3" on his mind as Nicki is chatting with him via Twitter!] <nickifembot @pintsize0101 You're a handsome little machine! Here's what I look like: http://bit.ly/3oh3dtm> [Note - link doesn't actually work... but it does show a pic of Nicki to Pintsize...] [1978: Just outside the music club CBGB's in New York City] (CW, with the mega purple mohawk) "So what did you think of the show? Was CBGB's in the Golden Age of Punk worth all the hassle?" (BG, in tube top and studded collar) "Are you $#!++ing me? That was %XING AWESOME! Did you see that huge fight break out in front of Richard Hell?" (CW) "Oh yeah, THAT was exciting. And it looked like Matt got a lot of the gobbing while The Damned were doing their set! How was the spit-storm, buddy?" (MG, in a Ramones tank top and hair messed up) "YECCH... EWWW... I'm just gonna go shave my head now before I puke again." [1805; The mouth of the Columbia River] (CW, rather angry) "Gimme... the %XING... SIGN!!!" (MG) "You're no fun, you know that?" [Sign: "HEY, LEWIS & CLARK! I GOT HERE FIRST!!! MATT GAHAN"] [Rabbits Ripped My Flesh Rzzzzz!] [All-Con 2009 in Dallas, and Cassie is visiting one of her favorite Webcomic artists Michael Moreno of "Death By Bunny" Don't quite recognize the guy sitting next to Mr. Moreno at All-Con, though...] (CW) "That is hilarious! Thank you so much, Michael! I love it!" (Michael Moreno, handing her a drawing of a bunny attacking her, ala "Weasels Ripped My Flesh") "You're welcome, Cassie! It's always great to meet

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a 'Death By Bunny' Fan!" (CW) "Oh, hell yeah... It's so twisted!" [The artist in the booth next door seems to be popular with those kids They don't look like Geminni, though...] (MM) "Yeah, you never expect someone like Clyde to be so cute yet so evil!" (CW) "And you know what? I happen to know of a real life death by bunny!" (MM) "You actually know someone who was killed by a bunny?" (CW) "Well... not really killing him... Just his career..." [1989; CW is consoling Mark "Jacko" Jackson at a bar] (Jacko, as his Energizer commercial plays on a TV) "I was on top of the world, mate! Everyone in the states was going 'New Energizahh! OI!!! And then I lose my gig to a FACKIN' TOY BUNNY RABBIT!!!" (CW) "Awww, don't worry, Jacko. You'll bounce back one of these days!" [All-Con 2009, Day 2; that guy in the booth next to Mike Moreno is rather popular for some reason... And what's a "Salt The Holly"?] (CW) "Hey Michael? Remember me from yesterday? You did that 'Death By Bunny' sketch for me?" (MM) "Oh yeah! Cassie... Right?" (CW) "Yeah. I seem to have lost that drawing... Could you do another one for me, please?" [Hey, didn't we see that lady in the booth next door dishing out Beanie Babies a while back?] (MM) "Sure! No problem! In fact, no charge!" (CW) "Oh, thank you so much, sweetie. I've just been all over the worl- uh, place... and I have no idea where the hell I left that sketch! (to herself) or when... [1974; Jolly olde England] (Offscreen voice over the sketch of CW and the Rabbit) "Hey, Graham! Look what I found on a park bench!" (Graham) "That's bloody hilarious, John! You know who drew it?" (John) "I can't make out the writing... but it's a damn funny idea! A killer rabbit mauling someone, blood spewing everywhere." (Graham... CHAPMAN, of the "world famous Monty Python's Flying Circus") "We should put that in our 'Holy Grail' film. Have a scene where some knights get killed by a little rabbit!" (And that would mean "John" is actually John... CLEESE) "Splendid idea! Let me write that down for the script..." [435; Ireland] (Man in a robe and a staff) "So, according to your vision of things to come, I'll be mostly remembered for chasing all the snakes off the Emerald Isle?" (CW) "Sounds strange, doesn't it, Patrick? But at least people will be throwing parties and drinking green beer in your honor!" (BG, looking at herself in the mirror) "Ugh. I feel like a blimp." (CW) "Omigod, will you SHUT UP about that? You look GREAT! Be PROUD of your curvy self!" (BG) "-Sigh- It's hard to feel good about yourself when society regards you as 'too fat' if you're not anorexic!" (CW) "I know just what you need, Beth." [1604, Italy] (BG) "You're right... Nothin' like a visit to Italy in the Renaissance Era to rid yourself of body issues!" (CW) "Exactly... In fact, meet Peter Paul Rubens, the man responsible for the term 'Rubenesque'!" (Rubens) "How do you do, lovely ladies? May I offer you dinner this evening?" [The pages of Superman comics but something's amiss...] (Panel one, off-screen voice) "...are they... ng the... ignals?!" (Superman, holding a hoe) "Come on, soldier boy... Tell 'em!" (Enemy Soldier) "NEVER! I'll die before I rat anyone out!" (Soldier, second panel) "SUPERMAN! THAT HOE...!" (Superman, clutching his chest in the third panel, dropping the hoe) "Ugh... ...in the handle... Someone knew we were coming!" (Enemy Soldier, holding a gun on the other Soldier from panel two) "Crank that, Soldier! No, I mean..." (Superman, last panel, pointing out) "YOU!!!" [Think about that series of words for a minute... then... ] (CW) "Either that's one hell of a coincidence..." (MG) "... or I managed to snag a writing job

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at DC in the Forties!" [In case you forgot about him, that was "Crank Dat" by Soulja Boy] [The clock says 10:15] (Rayne Summers of Least I Could Do) "$#!+! I overslept!!! [Cat goes flying] And there was a BIG meeting this morning. I'm SO fired!!!" [ Naked RS & naked CW get out of bed] (CW) "Calm down, stud. I got this taken care of. (Through the time portal) See? Now you got plenty of time to get ready for work!" (RS) "Wow... So you got a time machine, H-uh? That thing must really come in handy!" (CW, whispering) "shhhh... you're gonna wake ourselves." (RS) "oh. right. (Exit yon apartment) So. Can we go back to last night and watch ourselves? I always wanted to witness my own sex romp in person!" (CW) "Sounds to me like someone's full of HIMself..." [Father Time-Travel] [Exterior of CW's Home] (CW, to herself) Is that a motorcycle in front of our house? (CW, admiring the Harley Sportster) "Well, I gotta say it. You really outdid yourself this time, Agent Scott!" (Mr. Wells, standing behind her) "Who's Agent Scott?" (CW) "DAD?!?" (Dad, hugging CW) "What's this, my own daughter's not happy that her father came for a visit?" (CW) "Oh, don't be silly daddy. Of course I'm happy to see you. I just never imagined you as the kind of guy who'd ride a Harley!" (Dad) "Well, it's something I've always wanted. Of course your mother would've raised a huge fuss if I even mentioned it in the past. But Dammit, I'm about to turn 50, and I'm not gonna wait 'til I'm too old and frail to straddle a Hog! I'm well aware of the safety hazards, and I promised Carla I'd never take the bike out in bad weather. She said as long as I don't get a tattoo, it's a deal." (CW) "Well, you certainly fit into the 'seasoned old biker' look quite wonderfully!" (Dad, back on the bike) "Yeah, you should see the looks on my clients' faces when I come by to discuss their insurance!" (BG) "Mr. Wells! What brings you here?" (Dad) "Hey there Bethany! I'm just meeting with some clients around Dallas today, and I thought I'd come by and see how y'all were doing!" (CW) "Look out the window and check out how he got here!" (BG) "What are you talking ab... Oh CRAP is that a HARLEY???" (Dad) "It sure is! I bought that bike with money that would've been wiped out in the stock market anyway. And you can thank Cassie for that. Last summer [2008, when the housing market collapsed] she told me to start moving our investments away from stocks, because she had a bad feeling about where the economy was headed. You'd think she was a psychic or something!" (BG) "Yeah. How DO you do it, Cassie?" (CW) "Well... um... Sometimes I surprise myself, ya know... Uh... HEY! How about those MAVERICKS!!!" (Dad) "So anyway, who's Agent Scott again?" (CW) "Er... Agent... Scott? He's.. a guy we called to get a quote for homeowner's insurance. I didn't think that was your territory." (Dad) "Well, of course I still sell home insurance! You got the deed papers handy? I may be able to get you a better deal! (CW, suddenly realizing she's in trouble, to herself) Oh %X... He's gonna see it's in my name and wonder where I got the money. I gotta come up with a new 'owner'! (to Dad) "Um... you'll have to ask the actual owner of the house... (stalling for time) uh... NICKI!" (Nicki) "Hello, Cassie. Do we have company?" (Dad) "Hello, miss! I don't think we've ever met!" [ Cassie texting furiously behind dad's back] (Nicki) "My name is Nicki. I am pleased to meet you, sir!" (Dad) "I'm Bobby Wells. Cassie's father." (CW) "Yeah! Nicki's... MOTHER owned this house before she passed away years ago, now it's hers!" (Nicki, who is confused) "But I don't..." (CW, giving her a BUMP with the elbow) "SSHH!" (Dad) "So, you're the owner of this house, then?" <timewarpcassie DM

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@nickifembot> PLEASE go along with whatever I say for the time being!!! And don't mention that you're a robot! (Nicki, subprocessors kicking in) "Yes... Yes I am, sir!" (CW) "That's RIGHT! Now, I'll go look for those papers while you two get acquainted..." (runs out of the house; to herself) ...That is, after I do a little year-hopping and mop up this huge mess! (MG) "Chandarlis Travel, this is Matt!" (CW, over the phone) "MATT! This is Cassie... I need your electronics expertise and fake ID connections RIGHT AWAY! Please take a break and meet me out front!" (MG) "What's this all about? You in trouble?" (CW, outside and on her scooter) "It's about the house. See, this afternoon, my dad came by and wanted to see the insurance papers." (MG) "He came by already?" (CW) "No... He WILL come by... will have come by there later today after work. I'm here from four hours from now." (MG) "So to you, he already visited. But not yet, as far as I'm concerned." (CW, getting a bit confused... and agitated) "Um... yeah, he HAS paid a visit. He's there right now. No, he WILL be there... WILL HAVE BEEN there... HAS WILL HAVE BEEN visited..." (MG) "Future tense can be really tricky when you're a time traveler, am I right? (CW) "Just SHUT UP AND MEET ME OUT FRONT ALREADY!!!" ["Surf VIETNAM" poster on the wall!] (CW) "Okay, here's the stuff you need for the time machine. Drive back to my place and install that into Nicki, she'll be expecting you." (MG) "Alright." (CW) "And after that, take Nicki and get these ID cards done. Make sure they print the correct year. If they ask why, tell them it's for a film project. And think up a good last name for Nicki's family. (talking to MG through his car window) After that's done, bring Nicki back here and meet me at the time that I wrote down, which should be a few minutes from now, and we'll go from there. Got all that?" (MG) "Got it!" (CW) "Good luck... and thanks a BUNCH! [VROOM as he drives away, then FZZZT! Time portal opens] That was fast!" (MG, with Nicki following in a 70's print dress) "Har dee har har. Anyway, I got the ID cards done, just like you asked!" (CW) "Sweet! Let me see 'em! [reads the cards] 'DARLING'? You named her NICKI DARLING?!?!" (MG) "I'll have you know that 'Darling' is a real surname!" (Nicki Darling) "He's right, Cassie. But I did tell him... Don't expect me to diddle myself while reading a magazine!" [Alluding to the song , "Darling Nikki", by Prince] [1967; CW from 2006 is about to buy her home] (Past CW, to herself) How sweet is this. I'm buying a four-bedroom home in 1967 for the price of a 2007 car!!! (MG, offscreen) "Psst... Cassie Wells!" (PCW, surprised) "Huh? How do you kn... MATT? Is that YOU?" (MG) "Yeah... It's me a few years ahead from your time. You eventually buy a robot..." (ND) "Hi. I'm Nicki." (MG) "...And SHE has a message for you!" [Holoprojector AWAY!] (CW the "current" one) "Hello, Cassie of 2006. This is Cassie of 2009. Please listen carefully, there's been a slight change of plans. Eventually Dad will want to see the title papers on the house for an insurance quote... so Matt, and Nicki, our future robot, are here posing as the people whose names need to be on the title now. John and Cynthia Darling. [John Darling is a "shout-out" to the comic strip Funky Winkerbean] And then, when you transfer the title in 2001, it'll be their daughter Nicki Darling that you transfer it to. Nicki will meet you at that point then. [ PCW looks down at her papers for the house] Do all this now and we'll save ourselves a load of headaches in the future. (fading out) Thanks, and congrats on the new home!" [FZZZT] (PCW) "Now I know how Emmett Brown [Great Scott! It's a BTTF reference!] felt in 1955..." (ND) "Hell, I feel like R2-

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D2!" ["Help me Obi-wan Wells, you are my only hoooooope..."] [A "clerical error" in the archives; this one is actually listed as 212 on the website] [Back... to the FUTURE!] (Dad) "So, you're the owner of this house, then?" (Nicki) "Yes... Yes I am, sir!" (CW) "That's RIGHT! Now, I'll go look for those papers while you two get acquainted..." (Dad) "Well, you've got quite an investment here. This home must be worth almost 200 grand by now!" (Nicki) "Yes, I love it!" [SLAM FZZZT] (CW, from just a bit later) "Uh... Nicki, could you come help me for a second?" (Nicki) "Excuse me for a moment..." (BG) "Can I get you anything to drink, Mr. Wells?" (Dad) "No thanks, I'm good." [FZZZT FZZZT] (CW, with ND in tow) "Okay, we found the papers! This should have everything you need for the quote!" [Nicki is discreetly "installing" the modifications from way back in panel one of strip 206] (Dad) "Cool! Well, Miss... Darling, I'll get this to my office and we'll take it from there! Here's my card. I'll give you a call soon!" (ND) "Thank you, Mr. Wells! (to CW) Cassie, My power's running low... So I'm going into my room to recharge..." (CW, a little surprised) "Um... Okay! Sleep tight! (Dad) "`Recharge'?" (BG, covering) "Uhhh... Yeah, she's an anime fanatic... She just loves those robot cartoons!" (Dad, hugging CW) "Well, gotta roll. Don't burn the house down!" (CW) "Haha. Love ya, daddy!" (Dad) "Love you, Cassie! Great to see you again, Beth!" (BG, waving) "Bye! Enjoy your Harley!" [BRRRRRMMMMMMMM] (BG) "Wow. I never thought your dad would have a WILD side!" (CW) "Yeah, it took me by surprise, too. But hey, who am I to judge! He seems reinvigorated, he's having fun while playing it safe. I'm very happy for him!" (BG, knowingly) "You went into the future and read his obituary, didn't you..." (CW) "Ripe old age, natural causes... NOTHING motorcycle-related!" (MG) "So, what did you do with the house all that time?" (CW) "Well, up until 2002, we rented the house out to other people, and that helped with paying the property taxes and repairs. It only took like maybe a week total to go down through the years and collect the money and make appointments and everything. We built a little shed in the back for ourselves, as a base for our time-traveling. [sitting down in her easy chair] And then when we had the house all to ourselves, we decided to get a little help in redoing some rooms." (MG, on the couch) "Really? What kind of help?" [2003] (Paige Davis, of "Trading Spaces", is doing the "big reveal" for the two girls) "Okay, Annie, Sandra... Open your eyes!" (CW, as "Sandra") "It's... different." (BG, as "Annie") "Geez... what was Doug thinking?" [Miami International Airport Again?] (Voice 1, offscreen) I can't believe we're doing this. (Voice 2... which sounds a whole lot like MG, in a car traveling across the Florida Keys, off-screen) Hey, you're the one that texted me about getting back together for another night. (Rather obviously a Female Voice, as they've reached A1A in Key West; is this the gal from the party back in strip 89?; offscreen) Yeah, I know. I sound so desperate, don't I... (MG, still off-screen) You're not being desperate at all.. [we see Matt's signature on the rental agreement] ...In fact, I was secretly wanting this just as much as you were! (FV, still off-screen) What are your friends gonna think? I'm good friends with Cassie, I don't wanna ruin that. (MG, only his hand seen toting a small suitcase with the receipt sticking out) You know what? I never did tell them the truth about that night in '88. (FV, off-screen as the car pulling around to their room with a Public Enemy bumper sticker on the back waitaminute) REALLY? (MG) They still think I banged that homegirl I was dancing with. (FV, off-screen

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as they knock on room 333Three threes? Could it be?) Well, I told the girls that I'm spending a night Tampa for an animal massage course. (she grabs Matt's butt in emphasis) (MG, off-screen) Heh... I told Cassie and Bethany I was going to a travel seminar in Miami for a couple of days. [Passionate kiss, then we finally see... Matt with HAZEL from Rule of THREE?] (Hazel) "This is some seminar you've got going here." (MG) "It still can be... You ever heard of going 'around the world'?" (Hazel) "Oooh... Kinky! I like that!" [Hazel puts the "DO NOT DISTURB" sign outside their room her H-stars tattoo visible as they slip inside... If you're REALLY confused, check out Rule of Three's archives from October 22, 2008; it appears there was a case of mistaken identity that night...] [1984; May 8th, Steven Wright, Two Drink Minimum] (Steven Wright) "I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance." [HA HA HA HA HAAAA] (CW, seated and contemplating) "Hmmm..." (MG) "Let me guess. You're actually gonna DO that, aren't you..." [1895; CW and BG are discussing vampires with a certain "authority" on the subject] (CW) "Okay, Mr. Stoker, how about this idea... Instead of the vampires withering away and dying if exposed to sunlight... what if their skin just sparkled like diamonds?" (BG) "Oh yeah, and for fun, they could play baseball during thunderstorms!" [Bram Stoker is holding a copy of his manuscript for Dracula, The UnDead] [Nano-Con 2009; Cassie is manning the booth] (Gelotology's Becky) "What does TerCon specialize in?" (CW) "Our mission is to apply nanotechnology to everyday life activities." (Dave, also from Gelotology) "You got any products yet? (CW, off-screen over a photo of the entrance to NanoCon 2009) "Not quite, but we do have a sizable amount of research investments from quite a few industry giants, so that keeps us afloat for a few years or so. We also rent out our labs to some corporations who can't afford their own research & development divisions. We are close to rolling out things like self-cleaning paintbrushes, autofocus eyeglasses and electric erasers that can even remove permanent ink. We're also working on holographic clothing, with nano-bots projecting images to cover your body up. These virtual clothes could even be animated! It's like wrapping yourself in a flat screen monitor, all the while you feel like you're wearing nothing!" (Becky) "Sounds cool, but would something like that be completely reliable?" (CW) "Not at the moment. Right now a cup of water or a powerful magnet would give a whole new meaning to the term 'wardrobe malfunction'!" (MG, explaining off-screen) So I'm at this bar, and I'm reading the "Observer", and I get to this huge ad for a spa promoting a new green tea bath. I put the paper down, and right in front of me I see a lady who looks just like the model in that ad! So then, very innocently but very eager to meet her, I walk up to her and the first thing out of my mouth is... "Hey! I see you in tea!" [go ahead and pronounce that out phonetically...] (CW) "HAHAHA! Oh $#!+... Um... So did you want me to go back to that point and pull you away before that happened?" (MG, holding his midsection) "It'd be a lot more pleasant than a punch in the gut, but no, that's okay..." [A riff by TMO on the subject of Britney Spears' "If You Seek Amy".] CASSIE'S BUCKET LIST "#8 Show up in the opening credits of a classic James Bond film." [Wells... Cassie Wells. Based on the novel by IAN FLEMING] [About Last Night 18 Years Ago] [1991, Memorial Day weekend] (CW, overhung, wakes up, holding her head as she lay on a pillow; to herself) Uggghh... My head... I need to quit getting drunk before I hook up with someone. It must

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have been one wild party last night. But it was worth it for the guys coming back from Desert Storm. And why not show my gratitude for our soldiers by % Xing one of them on Memorial Day weekend? I consider that my 'patriotic duty', more or less! And this brave guy's probably been through a lot over there. I think he was one of the ground forces that... [sudden realization we've seen that face before... and so has CW... panicked look as she sees the "Texas Longhorns" t-shirt on the back of the chair... then looks down with trepidation and sees on his dog tag: "OSTERMAYER RODNEY C 228031111 O+ PRESBYTERIAN"] (to herself) Oh. $#!+. Did I just sleep with a guy who's now my CO-WORKER??? [Dun-dunDUNNNNNN...] (CW, grabbing her time machine and midnight blue dress as she tries to get herself together) Okay, Cassie, remain calm... For all he knows, you're just some random chick he scored with. I probably didn't even tell him my name... as far as I can remember, anyways... (combing her hair in the mirror) I just want to get dressed, grab my stuff and get the %X out! (RO, waking up over "hung") "Mmmhmmrrrhhuhh?" (CW, trying to be coy) "Hey, Rodney... You were an awesome lay last night, but I gotta get going. See ya round!" (RO, smiling) "Later, Cassie!" (CW, to herself, forehead smacking) %X... [1991; CW has explained what happened on the QT with BG] (BG) "Oh $#!+! Are you SERIOUS???" (CW) "DEFINITELY! I guess, in my drunken stupor, I thought his name was 'Ronnie' or 'Robby'!" (BG) "Wow... How did I get some random guy from Phoenix and you ended up with the younger Rodney?" (CW) "What I'm more concerned about is whether or not I should tell Maggie about this... I feel so guilty..." [Time portal activated back to 2009] (BG) "Well, I know they're not even engaged yet. But is it really homewrecking if you laid him 15 years before they ever met?" (CW) "Well, I guess not. But what if I go back to the present and I find out we're... ick... an ITEM?" (BG, in the car with Cassie) "Ooohh... You're dating a T-SIPPER!" (CW) "Oh please. The Sooner inside me is already blowing chunks!" ["T-Sipper" is a derogatory term used mostly by Aggies towards UT grads; it mostly refers to the "higher-class rich boys" who attend UT and can't hold their liquor. The idea came from something mentioned on Cassie's twitter feed.] (BG) "So why again are we going in early?" (CW) "I just wanna go back to the first day I worked here and make sure nothing gets too weird between Rodney and me. I don't know what I'm gonna do if he figures out I'm the one he slept with in 1991!" (BG) "Good luck!" [2003] (CW, to herself as she closes the time portal) Okay... If I remember correctly, I should be meeting Rodney right about... now! (Gordo) "Hey Rodney, Wanda. This is Cassie Wells. She's a super-smart young lady who'll be joining us in R&D." (Past RO) "Pleased to meet you, Cassie!" (Past CW) "Hi!" (Wanda) "Welcome aboard!" (PRO, in the cubicles in back, holding his UT mug) "You know, you remind me of someone I met at a party back in the day. Are you...? [ CW looks on in fear] NAH... You couldn't be..." [PCW is oblivious] (CW, whispering) phew! [Time portal opens into the lobby] (BG) "So. What's the verdict?" (CW) "Everything's fine. Rodney didn't think I was his welcome-home one-night-stand!" (BG) "Nice bullet dodging there!" (CW) "Yeah, you'd think I'd learn my lesson after making a sex video with Bob Saget while plastered. [That's IT! 127 is now CANON, baby!] Anyway, I need my coffee fix before I start atom smashing!" (BG) "See ya 'round!" (CW, greeting Maggie Harper at the coffeemaker) "Mornin', Maggie!" (MH) "Hey there, Cass! How was your weekend?" (CW) Oh, it was busy. So, did

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you and Rodney do anything special over the weekend?" (MH, confused) "Huh? You act like we're dating or something." [How Cassie manages to hold on to her coffee mug is beyond me...] (CW in now full-blown confused mode, to herself) Rodney and Maggie aren't even dating now??? What the %X have I done? Maybe Rodney doesn't think I was his postwar lay... But what if we're together because I remind him of her? Ugh... only one way to find out. (opens door to Rodney's office) "Hiya Rodney!" (RO) "Hey Cassie! You gonna watch the Horns in the College World Series? I hear the Oklahoma team's got a nice big screen TV to watch it on!" (CW) "%X. You." (RO) "Not even if you bled Burnt Orange!" (CW) "Oh come on now... I bet you'd LOVE some of this forbidden Sooner fruit!" (RO) "Bitch, PLEASE. I just ate breakfast!" (CW, still scratching her head as she walks out, to herself) Well, it sounds like things are back to normal. But I know this deep $#!+ is just getting deeper! [CW & BG "compare notes" at Starbucks] (CW) "So, Beth, you got a report for me?" (BG) "Well, I invited Rodney to lunch with me, and the conversation got really interesting." (MG) "Hey ladies, what's the happs?" (BG) "Cassie went back to 1991, got wasted at a Memorial Day party and ended up in bed with a younger Rodney." (MG) "Wow... I can't say I expected THAT reply!" (CW) "Fortunately we didn't end up in a relationship, but Rodney and Maggie aren't together anymore. They never even fell in love in the first place!" (BG) "And about Maggie... Do we tell her about this?" (CW) "The more I think about it, the more I believe that's a bad idea. If we tell her that she and Rodney were meant to be together... even if they were supposed to be together... she'd think we were setting her up, effectively making Rodney very unappealing to her. And that would really %X things up." (BG) "But we got her from another time. All the 'alternate timeline' stuff might make sense to her!" (CW) "I say we just try to fix this back in '91 and hope everything plays out the original way." (MG) "Uhhh, wait... What was that about Maggie being from another time???" (BG) "You wanna tell him or you want me to?" (CW) "I got this." [1349] (CW, in Ireland) I was doing some research on Gaelic and Celtic lore in Ireland through many different eras. This was a few months after I first made the time machine. While I was staying in Dublin in the mid-14th Century, I met a friendly young peasant girl named Maggie. Her parents died when she was four. She was then raised by missionaries who took her with them on their missions. At 17, she left them and was determined to make it on her own. At the time I met her she was 18 and fairly new to Dublin, but she was very helpful in getting me around the city... and she knew a lot about the rest of Ireland as well. I went out and spent a couple of weeks in the countryside. When I got back to Dublin, I tried to hunt Maggie down again. Instead some tragic news awaited me: Maggie had fallen victim to the Black Plague, which had just reached Dublin at that point. She died the day before I returned. I was devastated. How could such a courageous and bright young lady be dealt such a cruel fate? That was when I decided that she deserved a second chance at life. [1349] (CW, in Ireland) I went back a few days and found Maggie already suffering from the plague. (MH) "`Tis too late for me, miss (cough) You should leave before it spreads to ya." (CW) "Maggie, listen to me. I can save your life, but you have to trust me and keep secret what I'm about to tell you." That was when I revealed that I was a time traveler from the future. She was skeptical at first, but her strong will to live and her curiosity about the future got her over that quickly. [2154] The next stop was the 22nd

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Century and a medicine vending machine. [Ready Remedy, Treatments for over 20,000 ailments! 50 flavors to choose from!] I had every intention of taking her back to the 14th Century, but she had other ideas. (MH) Cassie, there's nobody for me to go back to. And my world is so desolate and dreary. You're my first true friend... and I want to live wherever and whenever your home is." [2002; Dallas] So I set up some investments and bank accounts for her, and that, along with a few strategic wagers at the horse races, paid for a loft and four years of college. I started her out in 2002, so she'd end up closer to my age. [2006] I jumped forward a few months at a time to visit her, and once she made it to 2006, I got her a job at TerCon in Public Relations. That was when she met Rodney, and the rest was history... well, before I changed that history. (CW) "Okay, enough about Maggie. What happened at your lunch with Rodney?" (BG) "I got us to talking about parties and past relationships, and it wasn't long before the Memorial Day fling came up. As it turns out, you left quite a lasting impression on him. So much so that he's been wondering what happened to you ever since then." (MG) "Wow. So she was 'the one that got away'!" (BG) "Yep! And it influenced his dating. He got more attracted to girls with light brown hair, and so Maggie wasn't even on the radar for him." (CW) "So I gotta squash this right at the beginning. Meet up with him a few days after the fling and let him down easy. Though how was he not attracted to me, as the present-day Cassie?" (BG) "Well, he did tell me you reminded him a lot of the Cassie he %Xed who by now would be almost 40 so he was too weirded out to hit on you. And once he found out about your college choice, all bets were off." (MG) "I bet he discovered that well before last fall!" (CW) "Hmmm... That may be the key to solving this problem..." [1991] (CW) "Rodney, I'm... I'm an Aggie." [1991] (RO) "YOU? An AGGIE?" (CW) "That's right. Hardcore Maroon, 'Saw 'em off'.' I've got a brother in the Corps of Cadets, [which is true her brother is an A&M alum, class of 2005] I know all the game day chants by heart and everything!" (RO) "$#!+. I had no idea..." (CW) "But that's not the only reason we shouldn't be together. I'm not feeling any chemistry between us... and I'm just not ready for a relationship right now. I'm really sorry, Rodney. You'll find someone new, I guarantee it. You know what I think would be a perfect match for you? An Irish girl. You oughta find yourself a nice and feisty redhead to settle down with. But first, just enjoy life for the next... several years." (RO) "Well... okay." (CW) "Here, gimme a hug. Best of luck to ya!" [2009; back to TerCon; to herself] I sure hope that was enough to steer him back to Maggie... (to BG) "So what's the status? Are Rodney and Maggie back together as a couple?" (BG) "Um, yeah..." (CW) "Whew. What a relief! Thank God everything's FINALLY back to normal..." (BG) "They got married last year." [2008] (CW) "Such a wonderful day for a wedding!" (BG) "Yeah. I wonder why we didn't attend the first time around!" (CW) "Because we were at our class reunion at this time, remember?" (MG) "So how come you're not the maid of honor?" (CW) "Well, you know her. She made lots of friends since she started college, and some were much closer to her, so I'm not surprised. Or offended." (MHO) "Thank you, Micha and now I would like to propose a special toast to a special friend of mine. I'd have to say if it wasn't for her, Rodney and I wouldn't have ever found each other. She's been a great friend and at one point, a lifesaver. Cassie, I love you and I owe so much to you, because you've done so much for me in ways that I couldn't even begin to describe. To Cassie, Everyone!"

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(CW, to herself) More than you know, Maggie... more than you'll ever know. "Aw thanks! Love ya too!" (Everyone) "TO CASSIE!" (BG) "`Billie Jean' shoes?" (CW) "Yep! Straight outta 2033! Projects holographic white squares with each step!" [Michael Jackson, 1958-2009] [MG is washing his car to "That's Not My Name" by the Ting Tings... when he's caught mid-lyric by CW!] "...AAH." (blushing) "um... yeah... So, I'm really digging that Ting Tings song." (CW) "I can see that, 'Stacey'." [1476] (A Troubador makes an introduction) "And now we would like to perform a wonderful new song that was taught to us by our lovely and extraordinary muse, Lady Cassandra!" [The trio play "I've Seen All Good People" by Yes] (BG) "I sure hope none of the guys from Yes find out about this!" (CW) "We're in a pretty remote part of England, so I doubt it'll be preserved in history." [ Another fan-inspired strip from Twitter!] [1872; the Wild West] (CW) "Hello, miss... Might I ask what you're trying to do here?" (Lady, who is tugging on a rope) "Well, I was working at the Belle Star Saloon today, and this gentleman who I'd never seen before walks up to me... [turning and pulling on the rope tied to a train] ...and he told me that I looked like the kind of lady that would enjoy pulling a train, so..." (CW, annoyed AGAIN) "MATT!!!" [He really HAS to stop using urban slang in the wrong setting...] [Back To The Garden] (CW, going over a checklist on a clipboard) "Okay... Sunscreen, check. Earplug radios, check. Package of antibacterial wipes, check." (BG) "You all set for our big Woodstock trip, Cass?" (CW) "Just about! (continues her checklist) Couple changes of clothes, check. Lotion, check. iPod containing complete concert and other music of the time, check. Bikini, check..." (BG) "I'm all packed. Got everything I need!" (CW) "Is Matt still coming with us?" (BG) "Last I heard, he was on his way..." (MG) "Good morning, my fellow pseudo-hippies. Let the far-out Magical Mystery Tour BEGIN!" (CW) "What the... You are NOT taking a %Xing BONG on our trip..." (MG) "When in Rome, sunshine!" (BG) "It's SANDSTONE and HONEYDEW. Let's get our Woodstock names correct before we leave, at least!" [1969, outside the house] (MG) "So... Cassie, you're 'Sandstone', Bethany is 'Honeydew', and I'm... 'Moodbrat'?" (CW) "`Moonbat'." (MG, admiring the 1969 Ford Econoline van) "THAT'S our ride? Cool!" (CW) "Yep! It might not be the legendary 'Volkswagen' van, but we've got lots of room, air conditioning..." (BG) "..AND shag carpeting, bay-bee!" (MG) "And... Why is Nicki coming with us?" (CW) "What 'Nightingale' will mainly be doing is watching all of the concert and recording it in glorious high-definition video." (ND) "I've got 250 terabytes reserved just for that." (MG) "She'll be able to do that?" (CW) "Of course! Her eye cameras can zoom in up to 200 feet, so we have a wide choice of camping locations there!" (ND) "I shall be the envy of all the robots at the retirement homes!" [1969; Sandstone and company have hit a dead end] (CW, behind the wheel) "Well $#!+. I thought this part of I-44 was DONE by now!" (BG, looking out the passenger window) "Nope. I'm not seeing ANY kind of freeway at all!" (ND) "How about I take over driving duties. I downloaded thousands of 1969 map images and highway history websites before we left." [Peace sign on the side of the van, with "WOOD STOCK OR BUST!" on the back windows] [1969] (CW, in the shotgun seat) "You sure I-80 was all done by this time?" (ND) "Yes. Once we get to US Highway 11, we'll turn left." [Two hitchhikers holding a

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"WOODSTOCK" sign] (BG, off-screen) "Hey! There's a couple of people wanting a ride to Woodstock!" (CW, offscreen) "Uhhh. I dunno if we should be picking up hitchhikers, Beth." (BG) "Well, how about this. We get their names and Nicki peeks into the future and does a little background check on both of them!" (CW) "Okay. Nicki, act like you're getting out to pee, run into the bushes... [ ND pulls the van over] ...and once you have the names, go back to 2009. Go through any news articles and police records you can find, and radio me with the results." (ND) "Will do, Cassie!" (CW, to the couple) "Hey there! I think we have room!" (Dude) "Groovy, Man!" (CW) "What's your names?" (ND) "Whoo... My bladder is at critical mass!" (Neptune) "They call me Neptune Blakey. And this is my girl, Butterfly!" (Butterfly) "Hello!" (ND, to herself as she activates her personal time machine... through her mouth?) Butterfly and Neptune Blakey. (CW) "I'm Sandstone, and these are my friends Moonbat and Honeydew. You two from around here?" (BF) "Yeah, we live in Cleveland." (ND, via radio) "Cassie, they check out. They have no criminal records and they now own a pottery shop in San Jose." (CW) "Hop on in! And there's Nightingale!" (ND) "Hi! I just had to drop a gallon!" (CW, whispering) "okay you can stop acting now!" [1969; the road to Yasgur's Farm is already congested] (CW) "Well, I thought we'd beat the traffic. Turns out it's almost as bad out this way too!" (NB) "Oh man. It's gonna start without us!" (CW) "Don't worry. No one's gonna come on stage until five in the afternoon, when Richie Havens does a solo set!" (BF) "You sure about that?" (BG) "Cass... Uh... Sandstone??? (CW, realizing her mistake) "Oops... Um... Yeah, I'm a psychic! And I... have a special forecasting stone in this little pendant! When I look into it I can see the events of the future unfold!" (NB) "Wow... That's far out man! (CW, to MG, whispering) "whew! That was a close one!" (MG, whispering also) "Yeah... I say we wait until they're all drugged up before we talk about future-related stuff." [1969; Yasgur's Farm!] (MG) "This looks like a nice spot!" (BG) "You got a good view of the stage, Nightingale?" (ND) "Yes. I should be able to get some high-quality footage from this vantage point." [CW has a look of trepidation on her face even as MG and company get the tent out] (MG) "Um... You okay, Sandy?" (CW) "I'm beginning to think that we shouldn't have brought a tent. I just know we cheated someone else out of their camping spot." (MG) "It's nothing to worry about! There's no quota on tents here, one more in the fold shouldn't matter at all!" (CW) "But Ma- uh, Moonbat, what if someone else was supposed to camp or sit here and they were meant to fall in love with someone next to them? And then they won't possibly get married and have kids... They'll get with different people... LOTS of families could be rearranged... Oh $#!+..." (BF) "What's wrong with Sandstone?" (MG) "Butterfly... Let's just say it's the 'You' Effect. Not your fault, by the way." [CW must still be having PTTLAS Post-Traumatic Time Line Altering Syndrome after the whole Maggie/Rodney thing...] [1969; MG runs into someone not-yet-famous] (Martin Scorsese, into a walkie-talkie) "Okay, I wanna get some good shots of some people dancing in the audience, be on the lookout for that..." (MG) "Whoa... Are you Martin Scorsese?" (MS) "Um, yes.." (MG) "WOW, %XING A, man! The FAMOUS FILMMAKER himself!!!" (MS) "Who, ME???" (MG, not getting the hint that this is Scorsese's first major film project) "HELL YEAH! Oh $#!+, this is SO COOL! Dude, I really LOVED Goodfellas, King of Comedy..." (CW) "MOONBAT! What the %X are you DOING?!?!" (MG) "...and %Xin'

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TAXI DrMMFRR!" (CW, covering up MG's big mouth) "Uhh, please excuse my friend here. I think he had too much of that 'Brown Acid' that they were talking about." (MS) "O-kayyyy..." [1969; Country Joe McDonald is doing his "alternative" version of the FISH cheer song] (CW, to ND) "You getting all this?" (ND) "Loud and clear!" [A wheelchair-bound vet is watching next to them] (CW, as Country Joe is singing "one, two, three, what are we fightin' for...") "This is gonna be so awesome. My own private collection of the COMPLETE Woodstock concert in HIGHDEFINITION!" (And you probably already guessed... KS) "And you're gonna KEEP it private, right... Cassie?" (CW) "What the %X... AGENT SCOTT? Is that YOU?!?!" [1969; KS is doing some "personal business" in the bushes...] (CW) "Did you come back here just because of us?" (KS) "Partly. I always wished I could've gone to Woodstock. But I was still in diapers at this point in time. [emerges from the bushes] So I am here because of you. And I do thank you for that. And don't worry about displacing future relationships, we monitor that kind of activity, and as long as you all play it safe, and Matt's using condoms, you should have zero effect on the future." (CW, suddenly realizing) "Oh $#!+... I never thought about that. I don't think he's got any condoms! And who knows how many 'free-lovers' he's hooked up with already!" (KS, reaching into his "Nam Vet" disguise) "Not to worry, I came prepared with some 'man-pills'. One of these and he'll be shooting blanks for a couple of days! Now all we need to do is catch Matt in a drug-induced haze... And I'm guessing that shouldn't be a difficult task." (CW) "Finding him, though... That'll be a problem with half a million here. Nightingale, can you spot him?" (ND) "My radar indicates he is 72 yards in that direction." (KS, as "Nam Vet") "DUUUUDE! You gotta try this acid man, it'll blow your MIND!" (MG, bong in hand as BG looks on) "Whoa, sweet..." [NSFW] [1969] (CW; to herself) Ugh. I feel so grimy. I guess it's time to do some hippie-style bathing. This area looks awful crowded, though. Here's a nice secluded spot. [Sheds her clothes and the time machine yes, first time we've ever seen Cassie COMPLETELY in the buff] Ahhh. I needed some fresh water on my face... (ND, on dry land) "Sandstone? I don't think that is a good location to bathe in." (CW) "You sure about that?" (ND) "Yes, you're currently downstream from the other bathers and the rest of the festival... which, coupled with the recent rains and lack of sufficient facilities means that this part of the creek has the highest concentration of human urine and fecal matter." [Realization is an ugly thing] (CW runs off naked) "AAAGH! BLEAH! EW EW EW EW...." (Dark-haired hippie) "Whoa. She must be havin' a bad trip, man." (Brown-haired naked hippie) "Hey, that gives me a fun idea; Let's run naked through our campus and try not to get caught!" [1969] (BG) "Come on... You won't get a better chance to try LSD!" (CW) "I don't know..." (BF) "High-quality stuff, sweetie!" (MG) "We've been dabbling in the weed and acid all this time, so it's your turn now, Sandstone!" (CW) "Agent Scott...?" (KS) "Hey, I'm not gonna make any arrests here... as far as I'm concerned, what happens at Woodstock STAYS at Woodstock." (BG) "If you're worried about drug testing, you can always give yourself an 'extended vacation' until it wears off!" (CW, taking a "tab") "Well... alright! [POINK!] Whoa... %XIN' A!" (BG) "Heh heh... How's the trip, Sandy?" (CW) "I'm seein' $#!+... Hey you better... NOT be recording this... for YouTube or nothin'!" [The gang has been "transformed" to CW...] (BG, who now looks like a Banana with a

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moustache) "You don't think anyone heard that, did you?" (KS, who's been transformed into Klunk from "Last Stop Comic") "Don't worry. Even if they did, no one's gonna know what a 'YouTube' is." (MG is now Flacco from "Sheldon") "Squee!" [1969; The REAL reason why they came to Woodstock the MUSIC: John Fogerty of CCR, singing "Bad Moon Rising") (MG, off-screen) "PLAY 'UP AROUND THE BEND'!" (CW, off-screen) "They don't write that 'til NEXT YEAR, Moonbat!" [Janis Joplin, singing "Piece Of My Heart"] (MG, off-screen) "PLAY 'BOBBY MCGEE'!" (CW, offscreen) "Moonbat, she hasn't recorded that yet!" [Roger Daltry and Pete Townsend of The Who, singing "My Generation"] (MG, off-screen) "PLAY 'WHO ARE YOU'!" (CW, off-screen) "That's 1978, dumb@$$!" [Grace Slick of Jefferson Airplane, singing "Somebody To Love"] (MG, off-screen) "PLAY 'WE BUILT THIS CITY'!" (CW, off-screen and EXTREMELY AGITATED) MATT!!! (MG, off-screen) "Aaahhh! It's 'Moonbat', remember?" [1969; The rains have set in on Yasgur's Farm, and they're all in Cassie's Tent] (Unknown Hippie) "So there will only be TWO more Woodstocks after this year???" (CW) "Yes... One will still be true to the spirit of this one, and the other will end in chaos." (NB) "Whoa... Bummer." (CW) "But other, more fantastic festivals will take its place... With names like 'Lollapalooza' and 'Bonnaroo'!" (Big Afro Lady) "Can your forecasting stone tell you if we'll ever get a black president?" (CW, pretending to look into her 'pendant') "Hmm... I would give it 50 years or so." (Target tie-dye shirt dude) "So what's in store for freaks like us. Like, do we have any kind of a future?" (CW) "Well, the freaks of the future will have new place to gather... in fact, I'm envisioning, out in the western desert... a Burning Man!" (Butterfly) "They're gonna get burned alive?" (Neptune) "Total bummer!" (CW) "Oh $#!+! NO no no... It's a giant wooden statue of a man that gets set on fire!" [1969; The rain has made Yasgur's farm a complete mud bath...] (BF) "Wow, man... I feel like a little kid again playing in this stuff!" (MG, sliding a board down the mud) "Check it out... I'm mud-surfing!" (NB) "Whoa... Far out!" (Blonde guy) "Hey girl, that mud looks good on you!" (BG) "I can get that mud all over YOU if you want..." (ND, to CW) "Should I tell them about the high concentration of human fec" (CW) "Uhhh, you know? What they don't know won't hurt them." [1969; Jimi Hendrix does HIS rendition of The StarSpangled Banner as Matt salutes!] (CW) "Now THIS... makes me damn proud to be an American!" [1969; Festival's end] (CW) "You sure you don't wanna ride back with us?" (NB) "Yeah. We're gonna hook up with some dudes we met and follow the Dead to Seattle!" (BF) "Thanks for the ride here, sweetie! We'll remember this forever!" (BG) "Ohhh... I am SO worn out." (MG) "I haven't had a decent shower in %Xin' DAYS!" (ND) "I'm certain my synthetic skin will be reeking of marijuana for a while!" (CW) "There's no telling where the rest of our clothes ended up." (MG) "But MAN, what an experience!" (CW) "Lots of awesome bands, plenty of interesting people and good vibes all around!" (MG) "I wish it could've gone on forever. Still, I can't wait to get back to the comfort of our nice air-conditioned VAN!" (BG) "Uh... Guys...?" [WHAT van? The front wheel is sticking up in the air...] [1969; The Van is in a puddle of mud. Or is that a LAKE of mud?] (BG) "WHAT THE %X?!?!" (CW) "There must have been a mudslide here while we were at the festival!" (BG) "Can we go back to before it fell?" (MG) "And park it somewhere else, maybe?" (CW) "Look, we're

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leaving it. I was gonna sell the van anyway. It won't fit through a time window and I don't wanna pay to store it! I'm sure some hippies will get it soon." (BG) "But HOW THE %X are we gonna get HOME???" (CW, opening a time portal into the woods) "Let's just get right back to 2009 and see if Agent Scott can give us a ride to an airport or something..." (MG) "Sweet... Doesn't look like anybody saw us!" (ND) "Well, almost..." [Stoners on the hill... Marek and Hanna from Octopus Pie!] (Marek) "Whoa... You see what I see?" (Hanna) "Yeah, what did you put in this blunt?" [Road tripping back from Woodstock in the present day] (CW) "Thanks for the ride, Agent Scott! You didn't have to drive us all the way back!" (KS) "Hey, cross-country roadtripping is the only way to get to and from the biggest concert event of the Sixties! Of course, we can't do a crosscountry road trip without gas... and right now we do need more of that." (MG) "Good... I need to make a &!$$-stop." [pulling into the station full service?] (Attendant) "Fill'er up?" (KS) "If you could, please!" (ATT) "So, what brings you folks to my petroleum palace?" (KS) "We're driving home from Woodstock... er, actually, the site where they had the first Woodstock festival in '69." (ATT) "Really? My mom says that's where I was conceived. She never did find out what happened to my dad, though. (It's suddenly rather obvious who his dad is with someone's trademark bulb-nose...) Have a safe trip!" (MG, returning with a bag of chips) "What???" [It's A Wonderful Nightlife] [CW, BG and MG are all at CW's favorite club, Tiki Coladas] (CW) "I can't believe I never took you to this place before, Matt!" (MG) "Looks pretty cool so far." (BG) "I love how we can get here by light rail now. It's only a couple blocks from Tiki's to the new station!" (CW) "Which reminds me... The train going back will stop here a half-hour from now, so remind me to set the time machine to that point!" (BG) "Work has just been brutal this week. I sure could use a flaming apple martini or two right now." (MG) "Yeah, tonight couldn't come soon enough for me, it's time to party!" (BG) "Now, just to warn you. The security at the front door can be pretty harsh!" (MG, looking down at Portland the Pig, head of security at TC) "That... uh, Pig? I think... No, I know I can handle him!" (CW) "Check it out! Isn't this place just awesome!" (MG, bent over in pain, since he didn't know that Portland was rumored to have been an ex-Navy SEAL) "URK... Yeah, but I gotta wonder if it's really worth the cavity search..." [Part of a cross-over with Tiki Coladas by Jonathan Caustrita; strips #738-753] (CW) "So. Whaddya think?" (MG) "I gotta say this one hell of an interesting club!" (CW) "Yeah, you don't see this type of crowd at any other nightspot!" (MG) "I'll say. They got a paranoid conspiracy-nut squirrel [Stash], a fruity monkey [Francisco], a frog that plays with puppets [Lenny]... But I do like the drink selection! That Nelson guy makes a mean tiki colada!" (CW) "Don't forget the flying beaver!" (MG) "Huh? Is that another specialty drink of theirs? [Bruce the Beaver goes flying overhead as they duck] (CW) "Nope. Literally... A flying beaver." (BG) "A PERVERTED beaver, THAT'S for sure!!!" (Bruce, offscreen) "I'm not a pervert, just a butt connoisseur... ow..." (Kat) "Ugggh... Nelson is such a JERK!!! I wish I'd never met him!" (CW) "Guy trouble, Kat?" (Kat) "Oh, hey, Cassie. Yeah, I think we're done for good this time. He and his friends do nothing but act like pure barbarians! And I really don't want my baby to be brought up in that kind of environment!" (CW) "I find that hard to believe." (Kat) "You know, I find it hard to believe he even truly loves me anymore!" (CW) "Sweetie, I've known you and Nelson for almost three years now, and I know that he loves you very

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much and would never want to hurt you. In fact, I can prove to you how much he's cared about you through the years!" (Kat) "And how do you expect to do that?" (CW) "Well, can you keep a secret? A HUGE secret?" ["If it doesn't involve the Animal Farm, abso-effin'-lutely!" The "argument" started when Kat & Nelson came back from Vegas and the "animals" joined them.] (Kat) "Okay, I'm back. So what's this huge secret of yours? (CW) "Kat... I'm a time traveler." (Kat) "Get outta here!" (CW) "No seriously! Come over here and watch us from a minute ago..." [Time portal opens...] (CW, from a moment ago) "Kat... I'm a time traveler." (Kat, from a moment ago) "Get outta here!" (Kat, now) "Wow, that's unbelievable!" (CW) "And remember Tiki's opening night?" (Kat) "Now that I think about it, I do recall seeing someone who looked like you on that night..." (CW) "That was me! But I came from early 2007 when I first discovered this place! I had to go back to see how the grand opening went!" (Kat) "Really? That's so cool!" (CW) "Anyway, back to Nelson... Come with me!" (Kat, looking back as Cassie drags her outside by the light rail tracks) "But... I have to make a cash pull..." (CW) "You'll be RIGHT BACK at this point in time, I'll make sure of it! [1988] (CW, driving her scooter through the time portal with Kat on the back) "Now, hopefully I've got all this right, based on all the stories you told through the years..." (Kat) "This is my old neighborhood!" (CW) "EXACTLY! And remember when you were so frustrated by 'Super Mario'?" (Kat) "I sure do, now that you mention it!" (CW, as they peek in on her younger self playing Nintendo with Nelson) "Not only did Nelson get you past the tough levels, he coached you on them so that you could do it yourself!" (80's Nelson) "Okay, now you jump there... And drop down to there... and now you're at the boss at the end!" (80's Kat) "Oh wow! Yay!" [1993] (CW) "And here's something interesting that I found... Remember your complaints about how crass Nelson and his friends were?" (Kat) "Well, yeah..." (CW, smiling as they look on at Kat & Nelson watching MTV) "You seem to have forgotten how dropdead hilarious you found a certain 'crass' TV Show.." (Beavis, doing his Cornholio imitation on TV as younger Kate & Nelson crack up) "I am CORNHOLIO! Feel thee force of myee fart-bombs!" (Butthead) "Dammit, Beavis!" [1999] (CW, watching from afar as Nelson is in a very long queue) "And don't forget... Nelson had no interest in going to the 'Lilith Fair'... but because he loved you so much, he waited in line for hours just so you could get some real good seats!" (Kat) "Lilith Fair was one of the happiest days of my life! And Nelson made it all possible..." (CW) "See? No amount of 'guy talk' will change the fact that he has a heart of gold!" [Expanded dialogue from TC #744] (Nelson, trying to talk to an angry Kat) "I wanted to talk to you..." (Kat from earlier in the night) "Look, Nelson... Things aren't working out for us right now. I need some time to get my head on straight, okay?" (Miles, Tiki Colada's main bartender rabbit) "Wow, that was random!" (Nelson, facepalming) "Yyyeah, that didn't sound good at all. Sigh- I'll be back in a minute. I just need a few minutes alone in the VIP roooMPH!" (Kat, running in and tackle-hugging Nelson) "NELSON!!! Oh, sweetie, I'm SO sorry for how I was acting! -SNIFF- I love you SOOOO MUCH!!!" (Miles) "And... that was 'By-any-chance-did-you-happen-to-buy-alotto-ticket-today" kind of random..." [ Kat and Nelson kiss and make up as Cassie looks on] (CW) "My job is done here!" (MG) "Something tells me you were gone for way more than just an hour..." [How does the evening end? See TC #751.]

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[1492; Palos de la Frontera, Spain; CW, MG and BG watch as three ships sail out of the harbor] (BG) "Well, there they are. The ships that just set out for the New World with Christopher Columbus... The Nia, Pinta and Santa Maria!" (CW, to herself) "Uhoh... In three, two, one..." (MG) "THE NINA! THE PINTA! THE SANTA! MARRRIA! THE NOOSE AND! THE RA-PIST! THE FIELDS OVERSE" [FZZT! Cassie "stuns" Matt] (BG) "Saw that coming a mile away, huh?" (CW, as Matt goes flopping forward onto the stone wall) "Wow, Agent Scott was right, it does pack a powerful stun!" [Cassie's Facebook Page!] Cassie Wells Ugh... I had such a rough day today. I almost destroyed a valuable piece of equipment at work, I nearly got in a wreck coming home, and on top of that, my computer monitor died. I can't wait to soak in a hot bath and drink some herbal green tea. 3 hours ago * Comment * Like Matt Gahan likes this. Cassie Wells WTF, Matt?? You like it when I'm suffering? 3 hours ago Matt Gahan No way! I was liking the fact that you were gonna take a bath and unwind and all that. 3 hours ago Cassie Wells So now you like it when I'm taking a bath? How long have you BEEN a Peeping Tom??? O_O 3 hours ago Bethany Gibson ROFLMAO Matt you're such a perv!!! :D 2 hours ago Matt Gahan I give up. You all suck. 2 hours ago Cassie Wells LOL Matt I'm just messing with ya sweetie. :) 50 minutes ago Cassie Wells And don't think I didn't see that comment you posted and then deleted after a few seconds. I sent Nick back a few hours ago to monitor this thread. :P 50 minutes ago Matt Gahan I can't hide ANYTHING from you, can I... :/. 40 minutes ago [A Nightmare On Keith's Street] (CW, lying on the couch with FWB Chad) "Hey Chad, you wanna come with us to Austin for our friend's Halloween party?" (Chad) "Sure, sounds like fun!" (CW) "There's only one catch. The party has an Eighties theme, so whatever you dress up as has to be something from that decade." (Chad, looking at her) "Okaaaay So I guess 'Star Wars' is out of the question?" (CW) "Well, not if you go as Yoda or an Ewok. There were two of those films that came out in the Eighties, you know." (Chad) "Damn, and I had a good Darth Vader costume, too!" (CW) "Take it with you You can help me fulfill a sexual fantasy I always had involving Vader!" (Chad) "I don't think I wanna know how lightsabers would be involved" [Austin, Texas] (CW, dressed up as the lead singer for Missing Persons) "Ready, Matt?" (MG, dressed up as a Ghostbuster, along BG, who is a Smurfette) "Yeah, I just need t [gets a load of CW's costume] WOW! Are you supposed to be Terry Bozzio from Missing Persons? TOTAL hotness!" (CW, with Chad, who is dressed as Axl Rose) "Terry Bozzio, huh?" (MG) "Hell yeah, I so had the hots for Terry Bozzio in fifth grade!" (CW) "Matt, dear, the hot chick from Missing Persons was DALE Bozzio Terry Bozzio was the drummer AND a GUY." (MG) "Ohhh (realizing) No, Um, Dale was who I meant to" (CW, singing) "Matt's gayyy for Ter-ryyy! Matt's gayyy for Ter-ryyy!" (MG) "How about you SHUT THE %X UP before I SLIME you, miss 'What Are Words For'" [Arrival at the Party] (Carmen Scott, dressed as Tasha Yar from ST:TNG) "You must be Cassie! Glad you could make

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it! I'm Carmen, the Agent's wife!" (CW) "Hey! Pleased to meet you!" (CW, doing the introductions) "This is Chad, Matt and Bethany" (CS) "Cool (to BG) Are you Smurfette?" (BG) "Yep. Before the makeover!" (CW) "So where is Agent Scott?" (CW) "He should be down soon.. Oh, here he is!" (KS, as Master Blaster?) "WHO RUNS BARTAHTOWN???" (Chad, very impressed) "MASTER BLASTER? That is just WAY too awesome!!!" (CW) "That's a robot, isn't it" (KS) "That's right, 300 pounds of robotic technology on loan from The Company!" [Cassie is texting Nicki back home] <timewarpcassie DM @nickifembot> Everything OK back at the house? How's the trick-or-treat traffic? <nickifembot DM @timewarpcassie> Getting lots of kids at the door. Matt's costume idea has been a huge hit! [KS as Master Blaster, with Kilroy from Styx's "Mr. Roboto" and Q*Bert in the background] (CW, finding Matt in the party) "Uh, Matt? What exactly did you suggest to Nicki for a costume idea?" (CW) Something that only SHE could pull off. Quite literally, I might add" [BG as Smurfette, with My Little Pony and Madonna in the background] (ND, back at Casa Cassie, dressed up as Cherry Darling from "Planet Terror" complete with machine-gun leg!) "Hey kids! Want some candy?" [Three kids dressed up as R2-D2, Wingman from Evil Inc., and ChooChoo Bear from Something Positive] (Wingman kid) "Whoa..." (Choo-Choo Bear kid, running scared, as he just saw Nicki's "severed limb" in the window) "AAAHHH!!! THAT LEG'S MOVING!" (CW, as she's entering MG's apartment with him) "You know, Matt, I already don't get you much of the time, but this time I really don't get you. [They head over to the couch and the TV] You wanted the time machine so you could sneak in and show up in the background of a classic movie. But do you turn up in something like The Godfather, Jaws, The Graduate or even Animal House? [they have a seat as MG turns on the TV] NO. You chose some low-budget cheesy monster flick with no stars, crappy effects and no popularity, not even a cult following! What gives?!" (MG, turning to look at her as the movie "plays" on the big screen... in front of some familiar silhouettes) "Four words, Cass... 'MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000'. [pause] Okay, three words and a number..." [MG, wearing a letterman's jacket, is about to get stomped by an imaginary "foot" on screen as the boys make fun of it] (Tom Servo) "Oh Yeah, that foot looks so dangerous!" (Crow) "Looks like it could really crush David Schwimmer there!" [Note: TMO stated he'd prefer that Matt be played by Justin Long, NOT Schwimmer...] "According to the ancient lore, this is where the idol belongs... and when it is returned to its rightful place on the pedestal, the prophecy will be fulfilled," says Arturo. "It's up to you now." You stare at the idol in your hand, wondering if this would be a wise thing to do. --- If you place the idol on the pedestal, turn to page 17. If you take the idol and run back down the temple steps, turn to page 54. (CW, reading a "Choose Your Own Adventure" book, to herself) Hmmm. Page 17 sounds like it could be good... (Off-screen voice) "STOP! It's a trap!" (CW from the FYOO-CHA! steps in behind current CW) "The temple crumbles and you fall to your death! The ending's MUCH better on the other page." (CW) "Whoa... Okay. [ looking over at Matt's eye rolling] Hey, it's been years since I read one of these. I just wanted a happy ending on the first try!" (MG) "And you say that I'm being wasteful with the time machine." CASSIE'S BUCKET LIST "#9 Try out for the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders before they became world-famous." [1975; CW "kickin' it" in old Texas Stadium] (CW talks to Hijinks Ensue creator Joel Watson at DWEX, the Dallas Webcomic Expo) "Thanks a bunch! I'll be sure to

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check out your podcasts!" (JW) "Cool! Take Care!" (CW) "Hey there, Agent Scott! What are you doing here at DWEX?" (KS) "Well, I happen to be a big fan of 'Tubularman' and 'Gunshow'... But I also needed to tell you to be extra careful about keeping your time travel device out of the wrong hands." (CW) "I've been real careful... Did something happen?" (KS) "Yyyeah. Recently a cell phone with the time-travel technology went missing from our labs. Fortunately we just now tracked it down." (CW) "Well, that's good to know." (KS) "Apparently, some lady named Marcy Cobb picked it up in Philadelphia and went back to 1985 with it!" [Reference to a "time travel" arc in Robb Armstrong's comic strip "Jump Start"] (CW, with a very important public service announcement, from New York City) "Okay, can I have everyone's attention here? I just want to show you something... [activates time portal] [2013] Now... You see all this? We're in the year 2013. Buildings are INTACT. The sky is PEACEFUL. People are EVERYWHERE. NOTHING happened. No HUGE EXTINCTION LEVEL EVENTS here. Life goes on AS NORMAL. Got it? GOOD! Now CALM THE %X DOWN, alright?" [1987] (MG, with CW in a "record store", which was a place where people used to go to buy "albums" so they could listen to "music" on a "phonograph") "Hey Cass, you ever heard of the big 'Roxanne' feud?" (CW) "Uh... Something involving Sting?" (MG) "Wrong 'Roxanne.' UTFO made a rap song called 'Roxanne Roxanne' which became a hit and spawned countless imitators... [ holding a copy of said UTFO album] Starting with 'Roxanne's Revenge', then there was 'The Real Roxanne', and then there were all sorts of unofficial spinoffs like 'Roxanne's Parents', 'Roxanne's Doctor'..." (CW, picking up another album) "`Roxanne's DOG'???" (MG) "Anyway, that went on for a few years and then died down... But I think I've come up with a good premise to jump-start the 'Roxanne' thing for the 2010's!" (CW, reading Matt's note) "`Roxanne's SECRET LESBIAN LOVER'?" (MG) "And that would explain why she was blowing off all those UTFO guys, right?" [World2, and CW's online] <YaksPubOwner> So, what do you think about the pub here? <NCDFW> Impressive! And you have the avatars for all the Star Wars characters, right? <YPO> Just the movie and TV guys for now... but we're working on the comic books at the moment <NCDFW> Awesome! I think I'll get myself an Aayla Secura makeover for when I drop by here again <YPO> Excellent choice, young Padawan, it'll look good on you :) <NCDFW> And I'm not even a Star Wars fanatic... she just looks sexy to me in an alien-hotness sort of way :) <YPO> We get all kinds in here, from the casual film fans to the full-on hardcore Jedi freaks <NCDFW> I know some guys who can get all incensed over the weirdest things in a Star Wars film. <YPO> Really? Do tell! <NCDFW> Well, you remember the uproar over the Special Edition retooling of the original trilogy, right? [Star Wars Convention, in Plano, Texas] (Star Wars fan, dressed as a Jedi, holding a "BRING BACK LAPTI NEK!!!" sign, ranting at CW) "So what if it sounded like new-wave Disco? That song should've STAYED in 'Return of the Jedi'! The new one SUCKS!" "If Historical Figures Did Television Commercials, #5 [1621] (Pilgrim Female 1, holding a turkey on a plate, with Pilgrim Male 1) "We come in peace, and we brought dinner! (Native American male) "Turkey? Great! Looks like a winner!" (Native American female, with another male wearing a "mohawk" and carrying corn) "Try our corn, we love it so... It goes well with that you know!" (Pilgrim Male 2) "We got the finest bird for you..." (Pilgrim Female 2) "Nice and juicy, through and through!"

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(Pilgrim Male 1) "Can't forget to send our love to the Big Guy up above!" (Both Pilgrim Females) "Yeah, We... Give... Thanks to you! I said We give thanks to you!" (Native American Female) "Say whaaaat?" (Pilgrim Male 1) "When I say Hillshire you say Farm! Hillshire!" (All) "FARM! ...GO MEAT!" [If you've never seen a Hillshire Farms "Go Meat" commercial, you probably wouldn't get this one...] [Interview With The Vampires] [BG & CW are walking out of seeing Twilight: New Moon] (BG) "Was that awesome or what?" (CW) "Phenomenal... I am so ready for 'Eclipse' now!" [Background has Jimmy from Been Better, reading a book] (BG) "Ever wish those Cullens were real?" (CW) "Yeah, there's a bunch of questions I would love to ask them..." (CW, talking to the Cullen clan) "So... Why do you get all sparkly in sunlight? Aren't you vampires actually supposed to rot away and die if exposed to the sun?" (Carlisle Cullen) "We used to really have that problem, believe it or not..." (Esme Cullen) "...But then Alice discovered 'Avon'!" [Alice is rolling her eyes as Edward looks on] (CW) "I wish I could chat with those 'Twilight' vampires. There's a lot of stuff I wanted to know about them..." (CW, talking to four of the other vampires) "What did you folks do during the Eighties?" (Carlisle) "I was one of the first to go inside the Statue of Lib Oh you mean the 1980's..." (Edward) "I was a dead ringer for Daniel Ash, so I spent a few years touring in a Bauhaus tribute band." (Emmett Cullen) "I was an extra in 'The Lost Boys'!" (Rosalie Cullen) "I was in 'Vamp'... and I got to meet Grace Jones! She's quite a character!" (CW) "I'm sure those vampires from 'Twilight' would have some strong opinions on how their kind have been portrayed in the media and popular culture..." (Jasper Hale) "Oh, don't get me started... Fangs? Capes? That God-awful hairstyle? I wouldn't be caught dead in that getup!" (Emmett) "Bela Lugosi as a vampire? Eh... He was okay. The well-tanned George Hamilton as a vampire? The ultimate definition of irony." (Alice) "Coppola's film wasn't half bad, though. Gary Oldman was awesome, but... what was with that old-guy hair?" (Esme) "As for Lestat... Well, Tom Cruise can suck me dry anytime!" (CW) "Have you ever tried acquiring human blood through alternate means... In other words, not by killing people?" (Jasper) "Well, we tried working at funeral homes, sucking the blood out of the new arrivals... But it was kinda like eating stale bread." (Alice) "And robbing the blood banks was... just plain wrong." (Edward, standing next to Bella) "I tried working at a hospital, and sipping from amputated limbs, but I felt like I was dumpster-diving." (BG) "You know what I want this year? A fresh, live Christmas Tree!" (CW, laying back on the couch) "Well, you go right ahead and get one!" (BG) "But I want you to come with me, Cassie! It'll be so much fun!" (CW) "Beth, it's gonna be freezing, the lots are crowded, and besides, we have an artificial tree that's perfectly fine!" (BG) "But I want a real tree this year! And I want us to pick one out together!" (CW) "I'm sorry, I really don't feel like it!" (BG) "Oh, come on, Cassie!" (CW) "Bethany, QUIT IT! I'm NOT gonna go Christmas tree shopping and there's NOTHING you can do about it!!!" [Cut to Bethany and Matt at the Christmas tree lot] (MG) "No, I'm not Cassie. No, she's not here. Did you SERIOUSLY think we were gonna do that pathetic, worn-out clich? " CASSIE'S BUCKET LIST "#10 Go back to the original Scarborough Fair and actually buy some parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme." [1337] (English Herb saleslady) "Get 'cher fresh 'erbs right 'ere!)

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(TV News Anchor) Another woman has come forward with an alleged affair, bringing the total to 15 who may be linked romantically to Tiger. (BG) "Wow, that's crazy!" (CW) "Yeah, I wonder how many more are out there waiting to come out of the woodwork" [ meaningful pause] (BG) "Cassieeee?" (CW) "I went back to before he met his wife! When he won his first Masters tournament! I swear!!!" Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree [ With Elvis, Chuck Berry, CW, Buddy Holly and Bo Diddley] [Great Expectations] (RO, greeting BG & CW) "Hey, Cassie, Bethany! Thanks for coming!" (CW) "Our pleasure, Rodney! (inside, to MHO) So, Mags Did you ever have New Year's parties like this in your old time?" (MHO) "Can't say we did Maybe a few of us would gather at the pubs and have a toast to good fortune when the church bell tolled at midnight, but that's about it. Of course, to Rodney, this is only a warm-up to what he hopes will be the 'real' New Year's celebration." (RO, in full obnoxious UT grad mode) "WOOHOO! Happy January 7th! Here comes another CHAMPIONSHIP!!!" (CW, her OU roots showing) "Roll Tide, bitch." (MHO) "Happy new decade!" (CW, waving as they leave) "Haha same to you, sweetie!" (BG) "Bye! (in the car) Now THAT was a helluva good party!" (CW) "Yep a great way to kick off 2010!" (BG) "So, are you doing another little bet with Rodney?" (CW, who doesn't see the driver in the oncoming lane suddenly veering across the center lane) "Well, I" (BOTH) AAAAIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! [SMASH] [2010 Begins] [CW is in an ambulance, being carted away from the scene of the accident] (CW, thinking to herself as the siren is going in the background) I guess I'm gonna be okay Otherwise I'm sure myself, Nicki or Agent Scott would've intervened before this could happen I hope Beth's alright [A hospital room, later on; a doctor is going over CW's injuries with her] (Doctor) "Cassie Looks like we've got a slight arm fracture, a concussion and a few scrapes and bruises, but otherwise the both of you are gonna be fine." (CW) "Oh good, I was getting worried about Bethany!" (Doctor) "Bethany? Is that her name?" (CW, slightly confused by the doc's statement) "Yeah Bethany My friend who was in the car with me!" (Doctor) "In the car with you" (CW) "Yes!" (Doctor) "So I take it you're not aware that you're two months pregnant?" [Shocked Cassie is SHOCKED! Dun-dunDUNNNNNN...] (CW, being rolled out of the hospital in a wheelchair) "BETHANY! Thank God you're okay!" (BG, with Nicki) "Yeah, I just got knocked out But I hear you've been knocked up!" (CW) "About that Please don't tell anyone I'm pregnant. I don't know if I'm gonna keep it." (BG, as they are helping her into the car) "You were using protection, right?" (CW) "Yeah, I made everyone wear condoms, so one of them must've leaked." (BG) "And you didn't notice that you missed a period or two?" (CW) "I was using the 'ANED' Tampons that instantly zapped the blood! (in the car, heading home with Nicki driving) "So all that remains is figuring out who I bedded a couple months ago and that could be Chad, a couple of musicians or two Victorian-era poets." (BG) "Maybe you had an immaculate conception!" (CW) "Oh please Do I look like the Virgin Mary or Shmi Skywalker?" (ND) "Are you okay, Cassie? You look bothered." (CW) "Nicki I don't think I'm ready to be a mother yet." (ND) "Did you want to get an abortion?" (CW) "NO! I mean I don't know I realize that's a human being living inside me. But there's so much crap a girl goes through in those nine months and that's something I'm just not ready for."

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(ND) "How about I go into the future and see what the alternatives are then?" (CW) "That's a great idea!" (ND, activating her time portal with her mouth?) "Okay Back in a second! (another portal opens behind Cassie) I'm back!" (CW) "So what did you find out?" (ND) "Well, to start off with In the year I went to, abortion was made illegal for good." (CW) "Huh??? What time did you go to? I don't know if I like this future" (ND) "I went to the year 2102. And actually, it got outlawed because there was no longer a need for it." (ND, explaining her findings to Cassie) "By the mid2030's, the debate between pro-life and pro-choice had escalated to a boiling point. As riots, protests and fights resembling gang wars were more prevalent than ever." [Female doctor working in a lab; Nicki continues her "report"] Meanwhile, at a renowned Swedish medical institute, an American scientist by the name of Dr. Isidra Richburg was experimenting with stem cells and DNA cloning. Her intended goal was to improve the process of in vitro fertilization. [Dr. Richburg doing a "holopresentation"] But she started to go beyond that Theorizing that with the right formula of blood, nutrients, DNA and synthetic amniotic fluid, a fertilized egg could develop into a healthy infant without ever occupying a woman's uterus. [Dr. Richburg taking a delivery from "FrigidFreight"] In 2046, after countless experiments with lab animals, Isidra was ready to try her theory out on a human So she turned to a friend of hers who ran a stem cell research lab. He sent her an embryo that was one month past fertilization. [Dr. Richburg's "contraption"] Dr. Richburg then placed the embryo in a large contraption that she crudely fashioned together. And inside there it would stay for the next eight months. [The "tank"] It resembled a small drink cooler surrounded by atomizers, dispensers and tubes, all carefully engineered to supply the fragile new life with everything it needed to grow. It was the first Human Incubator. (Nicki continues her "report") The fetus developed inside the makeshift incubator until it reached its ninth month. Isidra then opened the lid and pulled out a perfectly healthy baby girl. Being the first baby to be born from a synthetic pregnancy, Isidra named her Cynthia and raised her as her own adopted daughter. [Isidra does some more "holo diagramming"] After a few years, Isidra and her team of scientists and nanotech engineers also perfected the process of extracting fetuses in any stage of gestation from the mother and transferring them to an incubator. [The Invitria "product launch"] It would take several more years of evaluations, refinements and lots of legal and political wrangling, but by 2055 the first human incubation system, produced by Isidra's newly formed Invitria Corporation, was ready to be marketed to the medical community. [Woman outside a Planned Parenthood (Sign: "This Planned Parenthood location has INCUBATOR VACANCIES!"); woman is wearing a "NO EARLY DISMISSAL" tank top] It was a runaway success. By 2062 human incubators were as commonplace and affordable as laser hair removal in present time. There would still be plenty of natural-childbirth purists, but babies born from incubators became the new societal norm. [A woman tugs her "man" by the tie] And as the choice of prenatal extraction and extrauterine gestation grew in popularity, it had spawned a new sexual revolution, as well as a new dimension of women's liberation. (CD, finishing her report with a photo of Congress) "Eventually the number of abortions dropped to only a few per year And as an afterthought, Congress passed a law banning all abortion except to save the mother's life. [pause] Nobody protested."

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[2102] (CW) "So Why are we doing this 40 years after the incubator craze?" (ND) "In this time period health care is at its most affordable and accessible." (Receptionist, who we later learn is named "Nova") "Destiny Logan?" (CW, as "Destiny") "That would be me Wish me luck, Nicki!" (Female Doctor) "Hi, Miss Logan. I'll be performing the extraction. Just relax and we'll take care of everything." (CW, on the "extraction seat") "Okay, I'll try. I'm new to this." (Doctor) "First I'll examine you so we can get the best-fitting retriever for you. (looking with what appears to be a laser sight contact lens) Nova, get me a size 4 speculum and link it to patient file 5278. Now, what's going to happen is once the retriever is in there, the nanorobots will gently separate the fetus from your uterus and generate a sac to protect it Then we dilate your vagina just enough for the fetus to pass through safely so we can set it up in an incubator, where it'll finish growing to full-term size." (Nova, returning with the "unit") "The unit's programmed and ready to go, Doctor!" (CW) "Um Is it supposed to look like a dildo?" (Doctor) "That's just so it doesn't feel strange down there. Makes the procedure less stressful too!" [2102] (Doctor, who has just finished the "procedure") "It's out! Now all we need to do is place the fetus inside the unit, hook the supply hose up to the placenta and we're done!" (CW) "Cool" (Doctor) "When do you want to get your child?" (CW) "I won't I'm giving it up for adoption." (Doctor) "Oh, bless you heart We rarely ever see any newborn babies up for adoption these days, but there's still a lot of people wanting them We almost had an egg donation drive because of the demand! (looks at the holo-readout) Looks like it's a boy What do you want to name him?" (CW) "I was just gonna let the adoptive parent do that" (Doctor) "Well, we gotta enter a name on the form. They can always change it" (CW, thinking) "Okay, in that case Call him Emmett." [Great Scott!] (Doctor) Good Now sign on this tile Now we'll check the national DNA database for the father, it's just a legal procedure (shocked look) Oh wow Is this a designer baby?" (CW) "Um That's not illegal, is it?" (Doctor) "Oh, no, we get them all the time But I didn't think anyone could come up with the DNA of Kurt Cobain!" (CW, thinking quickly) "I got it from a guitar of his at a rock museum!" (BG) "Seriously? KURT???" (CW) "I made sure to hook up with him before he and Courtney got serious" (BG) "Wow So there's a new potential musical talent living in the 22nd Century And Frances Bean now has a halfbrother that she'll probably never meet in her lifetime" (CW, sitting down dejectedly) "Yeah" (BG) "You alright there, Cass? What's up?" (CW) "I'm just wondering if I did the right thing. My head's haunted by questions like Is everyone in my future family intact? Do I still live to be 101? What about that great-granddaughter I got introduced to? I didn't wipe her off the face of the earth, did I?" (Offscreen voice no fair guessing who) "I can probably answer those questions, young'un." [Yep. It's "Greatgrandma" Cassie from the 2080's.] (BG) "Um Wow Is that who I think it is???" (CW) "Yep Meet my older self." (GCW) "Bethany! So good to see you again! Just as I remember you!" (BG) "So I take it you still remember the first child you sorta gave birth to?" (GCW) "Oh yes, I made it through okay, but I figured younger me needed a little more reassuring Just for the sake of good health." (CW) "Is this something that I'm gonna do often?" (GCW) "Oh no, dear We'll keep to ourselves for the most part." (CW) "I was about to say I don't know if I'd wanna keep getting spoilers on my life." (GCW) "I would certainly advise against it. The space-time

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continuum is shaky enough as it is Though I'll tell you this. Nothing's more humbling than actually watching your own funeral." (CW) "Okaaay That just seems creepy." (GCW) "Didn't think you had that morbid curiosity, didja?" (BG, realizing something) "Uh Do I even want to know why you haven't seen me in a long time?" (CW) "So About my future generations" (GCW) "Well, since you gave this kid up for adoption, the family lineage will still remain intact Though it'll definitely shake things up for a few other people. But you can relax. Julie and everybody are still around. (Julie appears, with a box) In fact, Julie's in line to inherit my time machine and its schematics. She's very good at keeping important secrets. And one more thing I decided to find out what exactly happened to Emmett The answer's right here in this box." (CW, as Julie hands it to her) "What's in the box?" (GCW) "Just a little something from the hottest new voosh music sensation." [HoloPak: EMMETT LOWERY "Zmerding Like Crazy"] (CW, thinking to herself) That's my boy! [Times Like This Theater] (ND, before a curtain) "And now We shall perform a short presentation in tribute to a modern philosopher who has recently left us." [ curtain opens to reveal four figures on an escalator Cassie, Matt, Bethany and Rodney, all formally dressed] (CW) "We're riding on the escalator of life. We're shopping in the human mall." (MG) "We're dancing on the escalator of life." (BG) "Won't be happy 'til we have it all We want it all." (RO) "Escalator of life. Up and down." [TMO's tribute to Robert Hazard, who also wrote Cyndi Lauper's "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun".] [1917] (Will Rogers, doing his "rope tricks" and comedy) "Well, what should I talk about? I ain't got anything funny to say All I know is what I read in the papers. Ya know, on account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government for four years, no matter what it does! (laughter) Everyone's being diplomatic in the Great War, aren't they? You take the diplomacy out of war and the thing would fall flat in a week! We don't know what we want, but we are ready to bite somebody to get it! (doffing his hat) Thank you, folks! Enjoy the rest of the show!" [clapping] (CW, in appropriate attire) Will, you were hilarious! You oughta get your own late night TV Talk Show!" (WR) "Well, thank you, ma'am Uh What's a TV talk show?" (Stage manager for the Ziegfeld Follies) "Beats me, Mister Rogers!" [Seriously?] (CW) "I enjoyed our little Valentine date!" (Chad) "I did too So, can I call you tomorrow?" (CW) "Oh, this night ain't over yet, hon! Stay right there I'm gonna go and change real quick." (CW, reappearing with a VERY sexy bodice & garters lingerie combination) You like? (Chad) "DAMN that's hot! That must've cost a fortune!" (CW) "Well, I just happen to be friends with a really talented designer" (to herself) in France, in the 18th century. [NSFW] [Afterglow and NAKED CASSIE ALERT] (Chad) "Oh man I'm totally spent. You really wore me out this time!" (CW) "Wow I rarely get a triple orgasm It must be that new cologne you're wearing. I'm getting you a gallon of it!" (Chad) "Cassie? You mind if I ask you sort of a personal question?" (CW) "Shoot." (Chad) I know we agreed to be only '%X Buddies' and all, but I'm just curious here Do you ever see yourself married and with kids?" (CW) "Just did the other da Uh" [Realization is a horrible thing] (Chad) "You what?" (CW) "Um Forget I said that Yeah, I do, as a matter of fact!"

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(BG) "How was the date?" (CW) "It was wonderful But I've got a feeling Chad wants a serious relationship now." (BG) "Wow So is that what you want?" (CW) "I don't know. I mean ever since we met at the Section 8 Comedy Show, we had the hots for each other. But neither of us had an interest in a relationship So we agreed to the whole 'friends with benefits' thing. He might be the one for me, but I don't know if I want to give up my 0X-hopping just yet." (BG) "Who's left on your 'famous-%X' list?" (CW) "Just a few guys, really Ben Franklin, Bradley Nowell, Genghis Khan" (BG) "GENGHIS KHAN???" (CW) "Yeah, he sounds like he could be a hair-pulling bad@$$ in bed!" (BG) "So what are you gonna do about Chad and him wanting to go steady?" (CW) "Well He seems like someone that I could give up all other men for I might give it a shot." (BG) "You know that eventually you're gonna have to tell him about your 'little secret'" (CW) "I know And that'll be the ultimate trust issue, right? What I'll do is arrange for a little dinner date in a couple of weeks, ask where he wants us to go from here And if he's still serious about wanting to be in a committed relationship with me, that's when I'll spring the time-travel on him." (BG) "I hope he likes having sex in the middle of the Grand Canyon!" (CW) "Oooh I love the echo there! Did you know that you can go back even four million years and it'll still look the way it is today?" [TGI Fridays, somewhere in the Metroplex area] (Chad) "How's the rest of your social life?" (CW) "Sorta busy. I've been with three different guys in the past month, not including you." (Chad) "That beats me, I've only hooked up with two other women." (CW) "Good Lord, we sound like such nymphos!" (Chad) "I know! SO Have you always been like this?" (CW) "Actually, I was sort of prudish until Age 23. I wasn't a wild girl, but I wasn't sexual, either." (Chad) "I can relate I actually didn't lose my virginity until I was 19 and in college. I was a social wreck in high school." (CW) "Same here I was just an ubernerd, obsessed with learning and studying. My parents begged me to go to senior prom!" (Chad) "Wow So how old were you when you lost your virginity?" (CW, taking a bite from her plate without batting an eye) "Thirteen." [Chad does a spit-take] [NSFW, kinda] (Chad, incredulous) "You got laid at... THIRTEEN?" (CW) "Yyyeah. It's a long and crazy story. (CW, telling the story of her and Allen Jefferson) I was already a high school freshman and on the drill team. It was May of 1995 and we were on a field trip to Six Flags with the marching band. [Younger Cassie and Bethany, with Allen in the foreground] I was well into puberty and taking an interest in boys And Allen Jefferson, a senior in the band, had caught my eye. [Cassie talking to Allen] I didn't even know how I approached him But we happened to bump into each other at the park. We were both separated from our own groups, so most of the day was spent hanging out together. [Cassie and Allen on the flume ride] We got more flirtatious as the day went on, and it wasn't long before we were making out a lot. Once we got back to our friends, we went our separate ways and kept our encounter to ourselves. [Cassie is tugging Allen into a hotel room] Then, back at the hotel, everyone got together for an after-party in a couple of the suites. Allen and I found each other, and we decided to sneak away. We found an open, unoccupied room and we really went at it. [Kissing] Now I was already taught the basics of sex as well as the complications and dangers and I even signed one of those abstinence pledges like the good little East Texas girl I was [Silhouette of the two on the bed] ...But Allen awoke feelings of passion in me that were strange yet

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exhilarating. There was nothing that my conscience could do I was willing to take this moment of pleasure as far as it would go. [CLICK! Lights come up on the pair] And with a flick of a switch That moment came crashing down. [NSFW, kinda] (CW continues the story of her and Allen Jefferson) [Adult hand drops his cigarettes upon finding the two kids in his hotel bed] It was only after getting busted by one of the chaperones in mid-penetration, no less that Allen found out how old I was. And even though I was a willing participant, he told everyone that he took full advantage of me. I tried to admit that I was in on it, but Allen told me not to say a word. (AJ, to a crying Cassie) "Cassie, LISTEN to me. You didn't want any of this. You're gonna lose your spot on the drill team, you'll forever be known as the 'Class Slut', and you could even be expelled. I did a real bad thing And I don't want to drag you down with me." [Mrs. Wells gives Allen the verbal beat down while Dad just looks on angrily] Needless to say, my parents were FURIOUS. Mom came down hard on him about innocence destroyed, evil desires, the flames of hell and so on. My dad just wanted to kill him. I was lucky to end up with only a two-week grounding, but since Allen was 18 and I was 13, he was brought up on charges of statutory rape. [The courtroom, as Cassie testifies] I played it innocently like he wanted, but I still pleaded for leniency. He ended up with probation, but he was kicked out of band, lost his scholarship and was ordered to go nowhere near me which meant he had to finish high school at the alternative campus. [U-Haul moving van driving away] After Allen graduated, he and his family moved away. I never saw him again. And no one ever knew what happened to him. (CW) "The outrage and fuss over our sexual moment had left me with the impression that sex was evil That it did nothing but destroy lives and ruin reputations. It was enough to keep myself away from not only boys but almost all social interaction in my high school years." (CW, finishing her story as she and Chad leave TGI Friday's) "So that's how I ended up buried in books instead of going out on weekends. I'd say that helped me graduate as class salutatorian. But my social life was in the toilet." (Chad) "How long did it take for you to break out of that?" (CW) "Not long My best friend Bethany, who went to Oklahoma with me, was a major help in that regard." (CW, dancing on the bar in her OU tank top [with Miriam from the webcomic "Out There" as the bartender!] as Bethany looks on) Since we were friends going back to junior high and we went to the same church, my parents trusted her to keep me pure and virtuous. Instead, Bethany took me to all the wild frat parties, nightclubs and concerts, all the while helping me loosen up and socializeAnd by the end of the fall semester of my freshman year, I was just like any other fun-loving college chick. (Chad) "Wow I'm sorry you had to go through all that I wish I didn't bring it up now." (CW) "Oh, sweetie, don't be sorry. I know you had no idea about what you were getting into." (Chad, pulling something out of his pocket) "Well I think I know what I'm getting into (that something? A RING.) Right now." [Shocked Cassie is aw, you know.] (CW, stunned for 1d6 rounds) "What the Are you Is that a" (Chad) "I know this is sudden, and I know we agreed on a casual relationship, but you've become very special to me." (CW) "But THIS" (Chad) "This is a cubic zirconia. With sapphires. Only cost me 30 bucks. (slips it onto Cassie's finger) Think of it as a 'promise ring' of sorts. If you ever decide you want a serious relationship, I want to be the first in line. In the meantime, I want to get to know you better. I want to go beyond your body and find out what's going on in your mind and your heart.

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[Cassie looks at the ring, then at Chad] Look, I know this all seems a bit high-schoolish, but" (CW) "It's perfect, sweetheart." [Kissssss!] (CW) "So, Now If we're gonna be in a serious relationship, it's time for me to let you in on a big secret of mine." (Chad, following Cassie to a secluded park area) "Where are we going?" (CW) "Well, I gotta show you something that can't be seen by anyone but a select few" (Chad) "Oh, really" (CW) "Look, I know we're a couple of horndogs, but focus, okay??? This looks like a nice secluded little spot I don't think anyone will see us during the day either." (Chad) "Huh? What's this all about? What's this big, weird secret?" (CW, turning to him, dead serious) "Chad I have the ability to travel through time." [pause] (Chad) "Oh, come on Seriously what's the big secret?" [And Cassie's eyes are rolling already] (CW) "Look, I'm not pulling your leg or anything, let me demonstrate (pulls out the time machine) I created a new element in the atom-smasher at work with timetraveling capabilities and it's in this device. (pointing the machine to an open area) I punch in the details of where I want to go say this morning and activate the time window. (time portal opens) Next, we walk through" (Chad, blown away) "WHOA" (CW) "See? Feel the sun? This $#!+'s for real! (back through the time portal) Now back to where we were I can go to any point in time with this thing that is, as long as Earth is in existence." (Chad) "All that.. in that one little gadget?" (CW) "Exactly! So now do you believe me?" (Chad) "You kidding? This is amazing! It's %Xin' groundbreaking! (turns to think) I don't think you realize just how famous this could make you! This could change everything! (CW, looking around as things suddenly pop out of the ground, to herself) Uh-oh. (CW, realizing she's in a world of trouble, to herself) $#!+! He's gonna let my secret out and %X up the timeline! (loudly, to Chad, as things keep popping into existence behind them) "CHAD! You have to promise me you won't tell ANYONE about my TIME MACHINE!!!" (Chad) "Well, it seems like a waste, but okay." (CW, looking around, to herself) Everything's calmed down now But will that all disappear? (Chad, speaking again) "This is such a powerful secret, I guess you gotta be careful" (CW, pulling out the neuralyzer as it gets EVEN WORSE in the background, to herself) Seriously? -Sigh- Chad, you leave me no choice... (Chad, turning away and just now noticing all the buildings and habitats that have popped up in an otherwise serene park) "It just seems a shame that what the %X???" (CW, to herself quickly) Ten minutes ought to do it (loudly to Chad) "CHAD! LOOK AT ME!" (Chad) "WHAT? I [FZZA, pause, then] Uh, what happened? Everything's a blur" (CW, to herself) The neuralyzer worked! [POOF as the buildings all disappear in the background] (to Chad) "Um yeah Must've been those cocktails we drank!" (Chad) "So what were we discussing again?" (CW, somewhat sadly) "Why a serious relationship won't work between us." (Chad, confused) "But Weren't we gonna try" (CW) "Chad, dear I'm sorry I I'm having some doubts" (Chad) "Doubts? About what? I thought we were getting along great!" (CW) "There's just some trust issues. And I really don't like what my gut feeling is telling me." (Chad, still somewhat confused) "Trust??? But You said earlier" (CW) "I'm really sorry, Chad. I think we need to just be apart for a while." (Chad, angry) "Fine. If that's how you're gonna be, don't %Xing call me anymore. You can keep the damn ring." (CW) "CHAD!" (KS, in the potted plant) "You did the right thing, Cassie." (CW) "Sigh- Thanks, Agent Scott I guess."

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(KS) "I know he tried to promise to keep our secret But his will would have eventually given in, no matter what. And as time machine utilization gets out of control, the chain events would be ruptured, and we would've had the anachronistic chaos that you just witnessed had you not erased his memory." (CW, sitting with her arms around her knees) "I just wish we didn't have to break up in the process But I guess that was inevitable if I couldn't trust him." (KS) "So... Are you gonna be okay?" (CW) "Yeah... I think so..." (KS) "Believe me, I know how it feels to be alone like that. When you're in a complicated situation that can't be shared with just anyone." (CW) "Carmen must be extra special to you, then, huh?" (KS) "Yes indeed. She understands my line of work and the time away from home it requires sometimes. And despite all that, she's still faithful to me. And you'll find someone just as special. I can guarantee it. Hell, I wouldn't blame you if you went into the past to find that special someone! Just, you know, make sure he would have died a single man before you take him." (CW) "Heh... thanks, but I think I'll stick with finding someone in the here and now." (CW, voiceover as she and KS part) I know I have a future with someone out there. (Cassie looks out over a balcony on the Riverwalk.) Thanks to my time machine, that is a known fact... and that is something I can take comfort in. (She looks down at her "ring") Right now, it just hurts to find out that the man that I had just fallen in love with, the man that I thought might be the one... [takes off the ring] ...would not end up that way. [looks at the ring, thinks of Chad briefly] Granted, I didn't really feel genuine love for Chad until this evening. [eyes starting to tear up] So at least it wasn't like I had to start all over after many years of entrusting my heart to him. [She flings the ring blindly into the river, crying before collapsing with her elbows against the balcony, hands over her face] ...Still... The loss of his love hurts all the same. "If Historical Figures Did Television Commercials," #6: [330 BC] He was Aristotle's star pupil. He can undo the toughest knot and tame the fiercest horse. Amazon women were sent by their queen to breed with him. He has numerous cities named after himself. When people speak of him, they never hesitate to put 'The Great' after his name. He is... The Most Interesting Man In the World. (Alexander the Great) "I don't always drink beer, but when I do... (holding the bottle up) ...I prefer 'Dos Equis'. Stay thirsty, my friends." (Indigo, salesperson at a spa pool center, greeting Cassie) "Can I help you with anything?" (CW) "Oh, no, I'm just looking." (Indigo) "Okay! My name's Indigo if you have any questions!" (CW, looking at a spa, with Bethany looking on with her) "Hmmm..." (BG) "Trying to figure out if you can actually make one of those?" (CW) "Maybe if we fashioned a Sesquicentium wire and embedded it along the rim..." [In case you forgot that "popular" movie from early 2010, it was "Hot Tub Time Machine."] (CW, looking at a photo of a rock guitarist with a Misfits tshirt on, off-screen) "Hey! There's Eli Stevenson from my biology class playing in his band!" (BG, off-screen) "I wonder what became of him..." (CW, off-screen) "You didn't know that he joined Cake?" (BG) "Huh? When did this happen?" (CW, seated on the couch next to Matt, still thumbing through her yearbook) "Just a few years ago when their original guitarist quit. Eli replaced him, and he got to play in Cake concerts all over the world." (MG) "Wait... We're talking about the Cake band? 'He's Going The Distance' and all that?" (CW) "Yeah... And when they went on hiatus last year, Eli took it upon himself to secure legal rights to the band name... Just like Axl Rose did with Guns 'n' Roses." (MG) "Are you serious???" (CW) "Dead

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serious! The other band members are suing to get the name back, but Beth, you know how cocky Eli can get... He's even threatened to make a Cake album playing all the instruments by himself!" (BG) "Whoa... That mean..." (CW) "Yep. Right now... (meaningful pause) ...The Cake IS Eli." (Rat from Pearls Before Swine, carrying a baseball bat as TMO is finishing up this punny strip) "Hey, Tom! Recognize me from your 'favorite comic strip'? Well, Matt wanted me to give a 'special message' to you..." [1987; the Sunset Strip, Los Angeles] (Ice-T, signing an album for Matt and Cassie) "HAHAHA! Fool, you %Xin' crazy or somethin'? I'm a South Central O.G., I wouldn't be caught dead playin' a cop on TV!!!" [Matt smiles knowingly while Cassie just looks up and away... and for some reason "Da-da-dada-DUMMM" plays in their heads...] [TerCon front desk] (BG) "HAHAHAHAAA!" (CW) "What's up with you?" (BG) "I'm just reading the latest 'Something Positive' before we open... Aubrey is such an @$$!" (CW) "Oh, I need to show you 'Hark! A Vagrant'... the historical gags are so up my alley!" (BG) "Hold on... Let me finish with 'Legend of Bill'..." (RO) "Y'all talking about webcomics? I love 'Looking For Group' then again I am a video game freak..." (CW, as she closes one eye) "You probably wouldn't like 'Penny & Aggie', Mister Longhorn freak..." (RO) "Har dee har har, bitch. Beth, you ever read 'Wondermark'?" (BG) "On occasion. I'm more into stuff like 'Three Panel Soul' and 'Femmegasm'..." (CW) "I'm more a fan of offbeat humor, like 'Yu+Me=Dream' or 'Dinosaur Comics' or 'Cyanide & Happiness'." (BG) "I wonder if the new 'Alone In A Crowd' is up yet!" (RO, wandering off-screen) "I'm hearing the fax machine..." (BG) "You into those graphic-novel-ish webcomics like 'The Devon Legacy', 'Girl Genius' or 'Templar, Arizona'?" (CW) "Not really... but I do get a kick out of 'Overcompensating'... I wish I had a half-baked kittycat like Joanna!" (BG) "Oh cool... 'Goats' just got updated!" (CW, to Rodney) "Is that fax for one of us?" (RO) "Yeah. Who's L.P. Hogan and why is he telling us to SHUT THE %X UP?" [It's Earth Day! Recycle old comics and replace them with new webcomics to read!] [Let's Intersect Our Polygons] [World2] <P78TX> Long time no see! How's things with you? <NCDFW> I'm holding up. <P78TX> I can see that. ;) <NCDFW> Eyes up here, pervo :P <P78TX> Can't a man compliment a woman on how well-built her virtual form is? [Close-up of Philip78TX's avatar black suit, red tie, Gray hair that sticks out] <NCDFW> You've got some balls tonight, hitting on a woman who just broke up with her BF <P78TX> Oh $#!+. I'm sorry. I didn't know your situation. <NCDFW> LOL I'm messing with ya. We broke up a month ago. Feel free to hit on me some more :) [ From Philip's viewpoint: NanoCass has yellow wings, bluish skin with "cats eyes" and antennae, pink hair and a purple dress with a midriff] <P78TX> What are some good pickup lines to use in a virtual reality world? <NCDFW> That's a good question! "Are you a griefer? Cuz you just flamed my heart" <P78TX> "How about the two of us render ourselves into something more comfortable" <NCDFW> "Why don't you warp to my parcel of land sometime"... or even better, "Your million-prim pad or mine?" <P78TX> "Nice pixels, wanna cyber%X? <NCDFW> You're such a charmer :P [NSFW] [World2] <NCDFW> So how does this virtual sex stuff work again? <P78TX> First we teleport to one of the "Mature" sections of the world, and then we find a good place that fits mood, like an enchanted forest or a dimly lit nightclub. <NCDFW> I know a good place... go to Husberg 97, 144, 50 [rendering is of a bedroom with a

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king-size bed and an end table] <P78TX> VERY nice! <NCDFW> Cool, huh? And there's a popular dance club downstairs. <P78TX> Okay, so you activate the gesture pack provided and when we're ready, we get on the bed and just take turns performing various things on each other. <NCDFW> Strange... yet alluring. [ P78TX is laying back on the bed on his shoulders, as NCDFW "climbs" atop him] <P78TX> So are we gonna do this... In real life? Good oldfashioned cybersex? <NCDFW> My hand's ready when yours is ;) <P78TX> And shouldn't our characters be more appropriately dressed? <NCDFW> Oh of course! How... [poof! Cassie's blue dress disappears with a POINK] ...silly of me! <P78TX> That was too quick. I mean, just deleting clothing kinda takes away from the sensuality, doesn't it? <NCDFW> Agreed. They need to develop a good "clothing-removal" gesture for stuff like this. :/ [NSFW] [World2] [CW is typing "one-handed"] <P78TX> Does that feel good? <NCDFW> If that was actually happening to me, I would be blissful :) [P78TX is laying on top of NCDFW on the blanket on the "virtual bed"] <P78TX> I'm so hard right now <NCDFW> I'm only using my left hand to type, if ya know what I mean :p [CW is struggling to type clearly] <P78TX> I'm getting close 8D <NCDFW> same here oh $#!+ adasfdadsgagaergerawgfavfrwefwecdcrdvsz [shaking, leaning back in her chair as "ONOMATOPOEIA" is the sound of the keyboards when....] (MG, off-screen) "CASSIE? You in here???" (CW, turning suddenly) "WHAT THE... [CRASH! She falls back in her chair] OOF!!!" (BG) "Matt pulled up at the same time I did and..." (MG, looking down at her on the floor) "OH $#!+! Are you OKAY?" (CW, reaching up with her LEFT hand) "Um, yeah, Matt... C'mon, help me up!" [ New typeface Anime Ace] [World2; so much for that adventure...] <NCDFW> Let's do this some other time, when I'm not being intruded upon <P78TX> LOL... ok, cya [logging off] (MG) "So... Who's the lucky guy?" (CW) "Just an online acquaintance. Nothing more, nothing less. He lives over in Lubbock. We've never met in person." (MG) "You do know he might end up being some middle-aged zit-faced fatass still living in his mom's basement." (CW) "Well, as long as I never see his real-life likeness, I'll just leave that to my imagination." (MG) "So this is what your social life's come to, huh? Random online trysts with faceless cyber-%Xbuddies?" (CW) "Of course not, silly! I haven't changed. I'm just being more cautious about who I confide in regarding my secret time-traveling lifestyle. And I know I'll eventually find a special guy I can trust." (MG) "Hell, you've been able to trust me all this time!" (CW) "Yeah, I do realize that." [pause as they stop, then she turns as he looks at her, putting one arm around her, then...] (BOTH, walking away quickly) "NAAAAAAHHH." (CW) "The two of US? Get real." (MG) "Yeah, I'm SO over that." CASSIE'S BUCKET LIST "#11 Take a road trip using that Steve Miller song as an itinerary." (Steve Miller) "KEEP ON A-ROCKIN' MEBAYYYY-BEH..." [Map: 1. Phoenix, Arizona. 2. Tacoma, Washington. 3. Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. 4. Atlanta, Georgia. 5. Los Angeles, California. 6. Northern California (note in the margin of the map: "Where the girls are warm!"). P.S. TMO states that Cassie's car is a blue 1991 Mazda Miata with a removable hardtop and was able to fit in the time window.] [1925; a fountain in Central Park] (MG) BURRRP Oh, MY! Excuse me, ladies!" (Lady in yellow walking past behind Matt) "Hmph... How barbaric." [MG recognizes her, and with a sly smile... FRRBBBBTTT] (Lady goes running off, screaming) "AIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!"

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(MG, raising his fist in triumph) "And Matt strikes a blow for the oppressed masses everywhere!!!" (CW, her eyes rolled as usual) "You just had to do that to Emily Post???" [Jurassic Pet] [NanoCon 10 in Miami! Royce, Ryan, Marie and John from the HippoJuice podcasts are guest-starring] (Royce) "So... You're developing everyday household stuff with nanotechnology, right?" (CW) "You got it! Someday you could have self-smoothing caulk, foot-cleaning welcome mats... [The TerCon Booth "Nanotech Solutions For Your Life"] Maybe even nanorobotic hair extraction, something I like to call 'Smart Nair'!" (Marie, in front of the booth) "Sounds cool!" (John, in a blue shirt) "You thought up anything for pets? We sure could use some futuristic help with our newborn puppies!" (CW) "Well, we've processed things like nanorobotic earmite killers or tapeworm zappers, or stuff you can spray on dog poop to completely vaporize it... Or if you have cats with bad scratching habits, you may someday buy some spray-on nanorobots that'll instantly mend furniture!"(Royce) "Yeah, and you could make that in pill form, in case someone gets Cat Scratch Fever!" (Ryan) "-Sigh- You got anything that'll automatically mute out horrible joke bombs?" (CW) "I'm afraid we're not that technologically advanced yet." (Kat, from Rule of Three, as CW is laying on the beach) "Enjoying your annual Miami getaway so far?" (CW) "I sure am, Kat! How's things with you?" (Kat) "Well, other than the fact that my fantasy date died, I'm doing good." [See the Rule of Three archives for that one] (CW) "Oh yeah... Isn't that sad? I always thought Peter Steele would live to a ripe old age!" (Kat) "And now Dio... It's been a rough year for rockers so far! Anyway, the whole gang says hi. We'll have to all get together later." (CW) "I'm thinking of getting a pet. I haven't had one since that fish from a couple years ago." (Kat) "You leaning towards a dog, or a cat, or what?" (CW) "I'm not sure... I think I want something more exotic, like maybe a parrot or iguana." (Kat) "Well, you've got your time machine, why don't you go back and get something that's been long extinct? You could find out if unicorns really existed... Or adopt a dodo bird... Hell, you could even get your own dinosaur!" (CW) "Hmmm... I dunno... Dinosaurs didn't exactly behave like Fred Flintstone's pet, you know..." (BG) "A DINOSAUR??? Where the hell are we gonna put it?!" (CW) "I'm not gonna get a gigantic one, silly! Dinosaurs come in all shapes and sizes... Some of them are small as canaries!" (BG) "Yeah, but you've seen 'Jurassic Park', right? Some of those little ones can spit poison!" (CW) "Well, we can take Nicki with us. She can keep a dinosaur database on hand for quick reference! (Nicki) "Plus I can neutralize anything up to a stegosaurus!" (BG) "Okay... I just don't want our house to get ripped up by a mad T-rex, that's all. [outside] (CW) "We've got a big enough backyard for a decent habitat... I'm sure we'll find a dinosaur that's friendly, safe and no bigger than a Doberman!" (KS, from inside the grill in the backyard) "Don't forget, this creature needs to look like something you can legally possess." (CW) "Good point, Agent Scott!" (CW) "So... You're seriously okay with this?" (KS) "I'm not really enthusiastic about it, but we don't see any harm in you adopting a pet dinosaur... As long as we find the right type. And we'd still have to neuter it and check for diseases and everything... Which is why she's coming along. Meet Kaylie... [Dark haired woman waves in greeting; TMO states she's based on Kate "Geminni" Fazekas] She's got degrees in both paleontology and veterinary medicine. She'll take care of the details." (Kaylie) "I've always

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wanted to see a dinosaur in person!!!" (CW) "Well, what are we waiting for? Let's get started!" [opens the time portal] (KS) "WAIT! You should know something..." [SPLOOSH!] [65002010 BC] (KS, looking down through the time window at Cassie... who is now in the water) "...The continents have shifted around quite a bit since the dinosaur age!" (CW) "Yeah... Forgot about that..." [65002010 BC] (Kaylie) "The mighty T-Rex!" (CW) "I suddenly feel the urge to build a little shack for it to step on." (KS, to Cassie) "We must tread carefully." (Nicki) "Factoring in your choices, which include smaller than a Doberman, longevity of 50 years or more, and fairly affectionate, that narrows it down to 127 different species." (CW) "Hopefully a good number of those are around here!" (Kaylie) "I believe we're up around Montana or Western Canada somewhere." (CW) "There's a coollooking little dino!" (Nicki) "Detailed scan shows that it is of the species Prenoceratops, and that it fits all of your set parameters." (Kaylie) "Sounds like a good fit! [ CRUNCH! T-rex has some lunch] And... just like that, it's gone." (CW) "UGH! I can't look!" (KS, to Cassie) You know, the animal shelter would've had a lot less drama..." [65002010 BC] (CW) "Maybe we should just call this off. It's getting way too dangerous." (KS) "I'm with you, Cass. Look, I know where I can get you a cool-looking giant igua..." (BG, off-screen) "HEY, CHECK THIS OUT! (looking down at a nest) Looks like that Preno-whatsit that just got devoured left behind a couple of eggs!" (Nicki) "Those are in fact eggs from a Prenoceratops, most likely the one we just saw." (CW) "Let's just keep those! What do you say, Agent Scott?" (KS) "Here's what I propose... We'll take both eggs back to our own time. You keep one as a pet, we keep the other for analysis. We promise we won't do any harmful experiments." (CW) "I can live with that! This won't mess with the timeline, will it?" (BG) "Um... No, because I think those were gonna become his lunch!" [T-Rex is not happy they're messing with his hors d'oeuvres.. .ROOOAAARR] (Kaylie) "RUN!!!" [65002010 BC] (Nicki, shooting stun bolts at T-Rex) "GO AHEAD AND GET BACK TO 2010! I'LL KEEP HIM BUSY!" (CW, holding the egg in hand) "I don't know if I can at this elevation!" (KS) "Just activate it! If there's a wall of dirt we'll just run to higher ground and try again!" (CW, activating the time portal) "Okay, here goes nothing... [The portal opens into a subway tunnel] "Whoa! Watch the tracks!" (BG) "Oh good, we're in a subway tunnel!" (KS) "I was afraid we'd end up in a skyscraper basement, or even worse, a sewer drain... but at least it'll be easier for us to find our way out!" [ CRACKLE; the egg in Cassie's hand is suddenly moving... CRACK] (Baby Prenoceratops) "Rawwnk!" (Kaylie) "Looks like someone else found their way out!" (CW, holding the little Prenoceratops) "AWWWW...!" (CW, back home) "So what happens now?" (KS) "What we'll do next is take both dinosaurs back to our labs and attempt to domesticate them. There's a very good chance that we could be able to get them housebroken, even! The entire process may take a few months... But to you, it'll just be overnight. Once we're done, we'll time-warp back to tomorrow evening and return your dinosaur to you." (Kaylie, holding them in a see-through cage) "We'll take good care of them!" (CW) "Okay... Bye, baby dinos! (inside, to Bethany) I need to call some landscaping companies and get some quotes on building a lizard habitat." (BG) "I sure hope Nicki made it back okay, without her time machine getting busted... (speak of the devil and she's a MESS) OH WOW... (CW, shocked) NICKI!!! Are you alright? You're a complete MESS! (Nicki, looking a little like the Terminator AFTER he'd

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been shot a few times) "Yes, but you should have seen the OTHER velociraptors!" (CW) "Hey Matt! You're just in time to say hello to my new pet!" (MG) "New Pet?" (CW) "Yep! They should be here any minute now! We're finishing up building a home for him out back!" (MG) "So that's why your backyard's being ripped up..." [DING DONG] (KS, with the baby Prenoceratops on a leash) "Here he is! He's fully housebroken, and as a bonus we enhanced his brain to function on a dog or cat level!" (CW) "Oh cool! Thank you so much!" (BP) "RAWWNK!" (MG) "You're new pet's a dinosaur???" (CW, holding the little Prenoceratops in her arms) "Yes indeed! Straight from the wilds of Pangaea, 65 million years ago!" (MG) "So, what did you name him?" (CW) "Oh, I don't think we ever settled on that! Beth, what's your suggestions?" (BG) "Topsy? For Prenoceratops?" (CW) "Ehhh... Nope. Dino?" (BG) "Oh GOD no... Sinclair?" (CW) "Not really... Ryan?" (BG) "Hmmm... Naaah." (MG) "What about Walky? You know that song 'Walk The Dinosaur', right? Walky the Dinosaur!" (CW) "Well, that's fine, if you want to get sued by David Willis..." (CW) "Any other dinosaur naming ideas? Like in pop culture or music?" (MG) "Well, I..." (CW) "And no, we're not gonna name him after a Dinobot." (Nicki, looking only a little worse for wear, projecting a video of a 1980's singer) "There's Dinosaur Jr., an alternative rock band from the 80's and 90's, led by singer and guitarist J Mascis." (CW) "Hmmm... Mascis has a nice ring to it... Though I'd rather spell it M-A-S-C-U-S!" (MG) "That sounds pretty cool!" (CW) "So it's settled, then?" (BG) "Fine with me!" (CW) "Okay... Welcome to the 21st Century, Mascus!" (Mascus, going over to the couch) "Rawwnk!" [...and he promptly starts scratching up her recliner SKRITCH SKRITCH] (CW) "...And thanks for shredding my recliner." (BG) "I hope he also buries his turds like a cat..." (CW, on the prowl at a bar, to herself) Okay... Cassie wants a good old-fashioned one night stand... Who'll be the lucky guy? (turns to look at a guy in a vest) Hmmm, He looks like an interesting character... BZZZT <TEXT MSG FROM: Nicki (FTF) Don't do it! He's a date-rapist who will also steal your credit cards!> Whoa... okay, moving on... (guy in a blue shirt) Hey, mister smooth and suavelooking... you seem doable BZZZT <TEXT MSG FROM: Nicki (FTF) Stay away. He's married with kids, and you'll end up getting sucked into a nasty court battle!> Wow... Never mind... (Balding Black guy) "Hi there! Can I buy your lovely self a drink?" (CW, uncertain now) "Ummm..." (to herself, holding her phone) No warnings from the future? He's a go, then! (to him) "Sure!" (CW, to Wanda who knows NOTHING about Cassie's time travel) "Wanda? I'm gonna leave with him... I'll call you later!" (Wanda) "You are one brave chick, girl... How are you NOT wary about most of these men?" (CW) "Let's just say I have a special guardian angel watching over me..." [In case you forgot, Wanda is a co-worker at TerCon.] [1959] (CW) "How cool is it that we're cruisin' down Route 66 in a '57 T-bird convertible?" [Dog in the road! Or is that a Coyote?] (BG) "LOOK OUT!" (CW) "$#!+!!!" [CRUNNNCH into a cotton field in West Texas... with an interesting result: POOF!] (BG) "And how random is it that the cotton plants you just destroyed would've eventually become your vintage-50's bikini top?" (CW, angrily over her shades) "SHUT UP AND GIVE ME YOUR BLOUSE!..." (MG) "You watching 'Sesame Street'?" (CW, with Mascus laying on her lap) "Yeah, I heard about how they have Cookie Monster now eating less cookies and more healthy

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stuff, and I just wanted to see what else has change... (shocked) Oh... My... LORD..." (MG) "What's up?" (CW, looking at the screen) "It looks like now they've given the COUNT a COMPLETE MAKEOVER!" [The Count now looks like a certain member of the Cullen clan...] (Count, who now looks like Edward from "Twilight") "THREE! THREEE WOLVES! HAH-AH-AHH!" [1776; Philadelphia; A gentleman is seated at a desk Thomas Jefferson trying to Draft the declaration of Independence] (Thomas Jefferson, to himself) "We hold these truths to be..." Apparent? Certain? Evident? Hmmm, self- evident, that sounds better... "self-evident... that all men are created equal... That they are..." Instilled? No... ENDOWED! "Endowed by their creator with certain inalienable rights... That among these are life, liberty, and..." Property? Well-being? Good Spirits? (MG, outside the window, chasing after a redheaded "bar wench") "STOP! In the name of the REVOLUTION! ...And submit yourself to my Yankee Doodle!" (Girl) "HEEHEEHEEHEEHEE! giggle-" (TJ, to himself) Okay, how about... "and the pursuit of happiness"... [CW, with her "I can't believe Matt sometimes" look, ambles past outside the window] [Meet Me Halfway] (BG) "Where are y'all meeting up again?" (CW) "A coffee shop in Abilene. We decided to meet halfway between Lubbock and Dallas. I'll call you when I get to the hotel." (BG) "This just seems so dangerous. You've never seen this guy's face. He might end up being a stalker!" (CW) "It's more fun when it's more mysterious... And we did describe our appearance to each other! Besides, I've known Philip online for two years now. He doesn't seem to be the sociopathic type!" (BG) "Still, you know this is how a lot of those 'First 48' episodes begin!" (CW) "Look, if something bad were to happen, wouldn't someone from the future show up by now to discourage me from going?" [pause as the girls look around, waiting, then] (BG) "He could be an evil timelord, secretly destroying all our time machines..." (CW, eye roll) "Goodbye, Bethany..." [Mezamiz Coffee House, Abilene, Texas] (CW, to herself) Wow, this place is packed... I hope I can find Philip in this crowd. (ordering) "One decaf caramel latte, please!" (Blonde barista) "Thank you, your order number is 325." (CW) "Thank you!" (off-screen voice) "NUMBER 319?" (CW, looking at her number as a short guy with a long beard hears her) "Hoo boy..." (Short bearded guy, to Cassie as another gentleman hears her concern) "Don't fret, ma'am. They're good at getting' their stuff out fast." (Brown haired gentleman, with a moustache, to Cassie) "Still seems like a long wait, right?" (CW) "I'll say! Is it always this crowded?" (Guy) "Yep, There's not a lot of cool coffee houses in this town, so you get a nice variety of interesting folks here. (to Cassie, who is about to be floored) Philip Webber. Nice to meet you." (CW) "Philip... 78... TX?" (Philip Webber, welcome to the cast!) "You're Nanocass? Well... Nice to finally meet you in person!" (CW) "Uhh... Nice to meet you too!" (PW) "I know... You're pretty surprised or shocked at how I look in real life. I was hoping the 'stache thing would make a comeback after 'My Name Is Earl'. But I've been quite comfortable with it." (CW) "It... kinda works for you... Do you get out here a lot?" (PW) "Oh yeah... See, I work as an engineer for Southern Gas, and I travel all over West Texas doing maintenance work on their wells. So I do visit Abilene every once in a while. But enough about me... What are you up to when you're not smashing atoms?" (CW, who hadn't figured what to say at this point) "Well... I... Uh..." (PW) "Are you still stuck in 'I can't believe I had

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cybersex with this guy' mode?" (CW, embarrassed hand to head) "Yyyyeah..." (PW) "...So after the divorce, I was in a six-year relationship with another lady, and that ended last year." (CW) "Wow... You've been through quite a lot!" (PW) "Yep. Nothin' I can do now but live my life... In real time and in cyberspace. I keep my laptop with me so I can log on during any downtime." (CW) "That's a nice setup!" (PW) "So what've you been up to lately?" (CW) "Well, after I broke up with Chad, I've just been trying to keep busy. And I have been, for the most part. Fortunately I've manage to find the time do everything I want without stretching myself too thin." (PW) "Got any hobbies?" (CW) "Not... many, really. I do have a fascination for history, both ancient and recent. I like to travel a lot when I can." (PW) "I do some cosplaying when I'm back at home. It's quite fun, especially when West Texas Comic-Con rolls around with folks from all over dressing up." (CW) "Sounds like a good time!" (PW) "Yep, sure is... So do you cosplay? Just dress up in costumes and act out stuff from long ago or in the future?" (CW, looking up and away) "Um... In a way, yeah..." (CW, leaving the shop with PW and it's night now) "You heading back to Lubbock now?" (PW) "Actually, no... I booked a room at the 'Hampton Inn' on I-20." (CW) "Cool... I'm not too far away, at the 'La Quinta'." (PW) "Well, it was nice to meet you. I'm sorry that I shattered your dreamboat illusions." (CW) "Oh, stop it. You're being too hard on yourself. (hugging him) I'm sure you'll be a knockout to somebody at some point in time." (PW) "Heh, I guess so. Have a good night!" [Cassie's Miata pulls up to the LaQuinta... where she has a thought:] (CW) "Hmmm..." [And she pulls out of the parking lot!] [Meanwhile, over at the Hampton Inn... there's a knock on the door of room 338; and Philip answers] (CW) "Hey, Philip?" (PW) "Hi Cassie! What's up?" (CW, handing him a cowboy hat) "Sorry to bother you again... But... Could you put this on?" (PW) "Well, alright... (puts it on, adjusting it) I'm not even into country music that much, but I suppose it's a good look for me. (long pause as Cassie simply STARES at him, then) Sooo... Can I take this off no" (CW, GRABBING him) "%X ME." [Semi-NSFW] (CW, in bed with Philip) "Phew... I can't move." (PW) "That cowboy hat did something to you, huh?" (CW, cuddling with him) "Yeah, it was just a matter of taking what you got already and dressing it up the right way." (PW) "You know, I don't have to keep this 'stache if you don't like it..." (CW) "Philip... Sweetie... I don't want you to change yourself just for me. In fact... I'm not really ready to do the serious relationship thing right now, if that's what you're thinking. (getting up, putting her dress back on) I'm really sorry... I just want us to stay friends for now. 'With benefits', of course." (PW, putting his t-shirt on) "That's fine... I'm cool with that." (CW, kissing him on the cheek) "I'm gonna head back to my hotel now... Let's do this again sometime, okay?" (PW) "Okay... have a good night!" [SLAM!] (PW) "-Sigh-" (BG) "So, what's the verdict on Philip?" (CW) "He's a real sweet guy in person. Full of surprises, too. He's definitely got potential... But you never know how that'll turn out." (BG) "Well, at least you could find out, right?" (CW) "Beth, I'm not gonna use my time machine to find out who I end up with." (CW) "I'm almost certain that will influence my dating or commitment decisions, and screw up whatever future family I have! I've already met a wonderful great-granddaughter, and I don't wanna lose her... So I'm just gonna play it by ear where relationships are concerned." (BG) "Well, I gotta say I admire your

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willpower in this matter!" (CW) "Believe me, if that wasn't gonna work, I probably would have told myself by now." [1968; Matt is at an acid trip with two other guys] (MG) "Dude... I'm seeing like... A pyramid of blocks floating in space... and there's an Orange Ball of Fuzz hopping around on them... with huge eyes and a nose like an anteater!" (Dude with a Grateful Dead t-shirt on) "Whoa... That's FAR OUT!" (MG) "Yeah... And there's a bunch of balls falling down on the pyramid... Now one of them's turning into a purple snake! He's chasing the orange guy around!" (Blonde dude, with no t-shirt) "DUUUUDE! Heavy, Man!" (CW, in appropriate halter-top and bandana) "You were faking that little hallucination of yours, weren't you..." (MG) "And what makes you think I was faking it?" (CW) "Matt... I know a description of the 'Q-bert' video game when I hear it!" (MG) "And that proves my point! Of all the video games that were around in the early 80's, half of them could easily pass as head trips!" (CW, playing Words With Friends on her iPhone) "Ugh... If only 'VOLJACK' was a real word, I'd finally be able to beat this guy... (thinking) Hmmm... (dashes off quickly, and a quick FZZZZT and FZZZZT off-screen as she returns in Victorian costume and grabs her iPhone) [VOLJACK (90 PTS) You Won! You beat blkknight1] YESSS!" (BG) "That's a pretty long way to go to cheat on a game!" (CW) "It's not really cheating if you officially make it a part of the English language!" [By the way: "voljack (VOLE-jack) n. An electrical outlet." And if you actually try looking it up, good luck...] (Mascus is singing "Love And Marriage", as he's walking around, Dinosaur Comics-style) "...you can't have one without the... oooother!" (Holly, Mascus' "sister" who is still at the secret lab except for this little tribute to Ryan North on his wedding day) "Not true THESE days, that's for sure." (Mascus) "Yeah, nowadays you can have your love but marriage isn't necessary. Still, it does make me want to applaud when, in an age where the odds are largely against them, two people who love each other let the world know, in a lavish ceremony, that they DO want to commit themselves to each other as long as they live!" (stomps on a house with a familiar blue Miata in front!) (Holly) "That's quite lovely, isn't it?" (Mascus, about to stomp on a woman... is that CASSIE?) "But you also gotta appreciate those couples who don't believe in marriage yet stay committed to each other well into old age." (Holly) "Agreed. They're like-minded and respect each other's wishes on the issue." (Mascus) "And when it comes down to it, isn't respect most important in any relationship, married or otherwise?" (Holly) "Maybe they should change the lyrics to 'Love and Respect'!" (Mascus) "Yeah... but that wouldn't be as catchy!" (CW spots an old friend in downtown Dallas) "JENNY! What're YOU doing here in Dallas?" (Jenny Everywhere) "I thought I'd check out that new Cowboys Stadium in Arlington." (CW) "`Jerry-World'? That place sure is massive!" (JE) "Yeah, I just wanted to take the tour. I couldn't afford a game if I tried!" (CW) "I'm curious... How do you earn a living with all that traveling around you do?" (JE) "It's not much... A few odd jobs here and there, and a lot of the 'kindness from strangers' thing." (CW) "Well, I think I have an idea for a good revenue stream... We'll just need to go back to 1947 to get it going." (JE) "Really? I'm all ears!" [Later] (MG, as they wander through an appliance store) "You mean to tell me you made her the founder of 'Jenn-Air'???" (CW) "Well, I made it a partnership with some guy named Louis, but yeah. She hit the jackpot after they sold the company to 'Maytag'!" ["The character of Jenny Everywhere is

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available for use by anyone with only one condition: This paragraph must be included in any publication involving Jenny Everywhere, in order that others may use this property as they wish." And Louis Jenn is the founder of Jenn-Air fans and (later) appliances.] (BG, on the phone) "Hello?" (CW) "Hey, Bethany! I made it to Tokyo for Nano-Japan!" (BG) "Cool! How ya feeling after that long flight?" (CW) "Well, I felt fine until I stepped off the plane." (BG) "Uh-oh... Are you okay???" (CW) "OH! YEAH! I'm not sick or anything... (Cassie, on a pay phone, in full anime mode, drawn by Halo Seraphim of Deranged Comics) ...but there's something about this place that makes me feel just a little bit... different!" [1434; England] (CW, holding a camera) "Some people want to check out all the legendary works of art in person... Some people want to tour the Seven Wonders of the World... But not you, Matt... No, you want landmarks for your own little 'History of the Vulgarities' Tour! I can't believe I'm taking a picture of this sign..." (MG, next to the sign for GROPE^+ LANE) "Hey, as legend has it, that's where the word originated!" [A Whole New Arc] (MG) "Hey, Cass! Did you bring the 'Quantum Leap' DVD's?" (CW) "Sure did! So do you want to pick up where we left off at season three?" (MG) "Yeah, just go ahead and pop it in, I'm still getting the nachos ready!" (CW goes into the living room, and sees... a limp hand on the couch?... and DROPS the DVD!) "Matt?.... Is that a dead body on your couch???" [Matt is wide-eyed, holding the Nachos & dip] (MG, looking at the body on the couch) "Ah, I see you've met 'Foxy'!" (CW) "%XING HELL, Matt! I never thought you'd be into necrophilia!" (MG) "...And I'm NOT! She's a stunt dummy sent to me by my friend who works in Hollywood as a special effects supervisor! This was gonna be used for a horror film, but the studio decided to go the CGI route at the last minute... So instead of throwing it out, he sent it to me as a gift! She looks authentically real, right? Even her insides are fabricated bones and real preserved animal guts... This was gonna be used in an disembowelment scene, after all! Makes for a great conversation piece, don't you think?" (CW) "Talk it up all you want... It still looks like you own a glorified sex toy." (MG) "-Sigh- I was afraid of that..." (CW, sitting on the couch with Matt and "Foxy", who's got the nachos in her lap) "Seriously, Matt? You can't keep this fake girl here. It'll freak everyone out, it'll ruin your dating, and you don't have any closet space to stash it!" (MG) "Well, I don't wanna just dispose of it... There's gotta be a way we can put this to good use!" (CW) "Like what? A sculpture? Practical joke? Film our own 'Weekend At Bernie's'?" (MG) "Hmmm... How about we use it to save someone from a wrongful death? Like put her in place of some innocent woman who's about to be executed?" (CW, reaching over to the lap of "Foxy" to get some chips) "It would have to be way back in the past. We'd never get away with it as long as there's forensics units." (MG) "And we can't have a lot of witnesses to the execution." (CW) "And what if someone in the present decides to exhume her? It'd be really suspicious if her remains don't even turn out to be human!" (MG) "Right... It would have to be someone burned at the stake. Evidence then goes up in smoke." (CW) "Plus we have the flames as a cover. That solves the 'witnesses' problem." (MG) "We'd better decide our objective right here and now. You know Agent Scott would put the kibosh on this." (CW, munching on nachos) "And he's not showing up now, so that means we have a very good chance of succeeding!"

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(CW) "Here we go, Matt... Joan of Arc." (MG) "What a story behind her... A peasant girl who made her way into the French Army... (reading her Wikipedia entry) Led many key battles to force the English army out of France before getting captured..." (CW, reading) "...accused of heresy... burnt at the stake... later found to be innocent..." (MG) "Isn't that sad? Screwed over and put to death before she turned 20!" (CW) "Yeah... There's really no other candidate for us... She definitely deserves another chance at life!" (MG) "I agree... But what can she do for a living in our time?" (CW) "Hmmm... Good question. She'd do well in the military, wouldn't she?" (MG) "Yeah, but... In her time it was mostly swords and cannons... Guns weren't the weapon of choice yet." (CW) "If she's good with a sword... There's always the Renaissance Fairs!" (MG) "I can see the promotional ads already... 'Now with an Authentic Medieval Lady!" [On a "big ol' Jet Airliner" across the Atlantic] (CW, talking to Matt) "So we're gonna have to time this perfectly... We're flying into Amsterdam so we don't arouse suspicions, then we'll head over to Rouen, the execution site.... Matt, you'll go back to the morning of the execution and get into one of the buildings where you can take a picture of Joan so we'll know exactly what she looks like. That way we can dress 'fake Joan' accordingly. And make a note of exactly when the flames get high enough to about her waist, that's when we'll need to set the destination time. Next we pinpoint the exact location of the woodpile, then we go back to before the town got settled, like 4000 BC, and use that as our base. Then, we open a time window, set off the smoke bombs, throw the 'fake Joan' in... while at the same time Nicki frees Joan and takes her back through the time window!" (MG) "Sounds like a plan! Let's hope Nicki and Foxy get there in time!" (CW) "I went back a week to ship them so I could time the arrival of Nicki and the Joan replacement perfectly." (MG, off-screen, over a photo of the cargo ship sailing across the Atlantic) "Cool... I still wish we could've taken them on the plane with us!" (CW, off-screen also) "Matt, you know she would raise a lot of security red flags... (close-up of the crate: "TOP SECRET MATERIALS") It's better and way less conspicuous this way!" (Nicki, in the crate with "Foxy", to herself) I sure hope no one opens this crate before Cassie or Matt get here. This would look very scandalous. [1431; Rouen, France the "Maid of Orleans", Joan of Arc is about to be executed at the stake; We see a hand take a photo of her as she is tied to the stake; then the flames as they are applied to her pyre; Joan closes her eyes as the flames reach the level of her waist... She's about to lose consciousness from the smoke inhalation as a FZZZZT appears and three smoke bombs burst over the fire! POOF! A wire cutter snaps her bonds off as the "Fake" Joan is plopped down onto the fire, and FZZZZT as a body is burned from the flames...The executioner looks on to the pyre, and as he sees no more body... (Executioner) "She's DEAD." [4000 BC] (Nicki, who has come to a completely different diagnosis over the singed figure of Joan of Arc, as Cassie and Matt look on) "She's ALIVE." (CW, in the other room, as we see a sleeping Joan) "...Good, no big changes to her history... Still canonized in 1920... (Joan awakes, hearing voices from the other room) Heh... 'A large plume of smoke went up, and people heard faint thunder on an otherwise clear day.'" (MG, still in the other room) "At least they re-ignited 'Joan' a couple more times to make sure she was dead... Ashes dumped in the Seine... That definitely works in our favor!" (CW, in the other room, not realizing that Joan is awake and is sitting up with a start, wondering of the voices she is hearing!) "So, she's 19 years old... that means her re-oriented birth

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year would have to be 1991." (MG, in the other room, as Joan rises to see where the voices are coming from) "She needs a genuine last name, too." (CW) "Hmmm... Arcana? Arcstein?" (MG) "Van Ark? ...Arkaville? ...Arkham?" (CW) "I got it... Arquette! You know, like David Arquette?" (MG, standing next to Cassie, who is on her laptop) "Cool! That'll work perfe (Joan enters the room) Oh, she's awake!" (Joan) "MON DIEU!" (CW) "JOAN! Just take it easy, we'll explain everything... You speak any English?" (Joan, very uncertain) "Um... A little." (CW) "Listen... We're time travelers. We saved you from a fiery death and..." (Joan, walking off) "Pardonnez-moi!" (MG) "...Aaand she just peed in the ice bucket." (CW, chasing after her) "Okay... FIRST order of business, there's something we use now for... uh, soiling or making water..." (CW, outside the Hotel Lagace, with Joan) "Now remember...You'll be seeing things that'll make no sense to you... Things that seem like magic or sorcery, but in reality made by ordinary human beings." (Joan, followed by MG in the background) "I think I can handle that." (CW) "Good! Also... Very important... England and France are at peace... In fact, other than a few places in Asia and Africa, there are no wars going on at all. Plus, there's a couple of lands that have been discovered later on in your century. We come from those lands, named North and South America." [They arrive at the Joan of Arc monument in Rouen] (Joan, reading) "Saint... Jeanne... D'Arc?" (CW) "Um... Yyyyeah. After your presumed death, the Catholic church declares you a martyr... And five hundred years later, the Pope gives you sainthood." (Joan) "I don't know if I want to stay here... This is way too strange for me." (CW) "Well, you can always come with us to America. Plenty of opportunity and quite a few places that'll feel like home!" (MG) "Or if you want, we can take you back to the middle ages and you can live a quiet life far away from France!" (Joan) "No, I'd like to go with you to this America... (suddenly clasping her head) AIEEE!" (MG) "JOAN! WHAT'S WRONG???" (Joan) "I'm HEARING VOICES! And they're MUCH LOUDER than BEFORE!" (CW) "Crap, I read about this... Um, what are they saying, Joan?" (Joan, reciting slowly) "`I want your ugly, I want your disease'!" (MG, looking skyward) "Great, we gotta explain the radio to her now..." [Random bystander walks past with a boom-box, playing "Bad Romance" by Lady Gaga] [A cruise ship, somewhere on the Atlantic; our heroes and Joan are relaxing in lounge chairs on the deck of the ship] (CW, seeing a server and waving her down) "GOOD! Oh miss... Another round of drinks, please!" (Joan) "I want to try the Pina Colada!" (Server) Comin' right up!" (MG) "Passenger ships are a lot more fun in the 21st Century, amirite?" (Joan) "Yes, I'm having an awful... I mean, awesome time! Sorry..." (CW) "No worries, you're doing fine with modern American English... Nicki's teaching you well! And when we get home, I'll introduce you to another 'time transplant' of mine... She's from 14th Century Ireland, so you two should get along fairly good!" (Joan) "That sounds wonderful!" (CW, thinking) "Now all that remains is what to tell Agent Scott." (MG, looking off to his left) "Well, think of something quick..." (KS) "Hi! Two questions: Would you three like to play some shuffleboard? And ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MINDS?!?!" (CW, back in their stateroom) "Look, we weren't gonna do this if we knew it wouldn't work!" (KS) "That's not the point! One misstep, and you could've blow the time-travel secret wide open, and that would have been HELL for us to fix! I ought to just take all you time-machine stuff away and send her back to the middle ages... But since my family's Catholic, and I felt like Joan got cheated as well,

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I'll let this slide... but PLEASE no more high-profile 'rescues'!" (CW) "We promise!" (KS) "When we get back, I'll go ahead and set Joan up with the documentation she needs. For now, just enjoy the rest of the Voyage. Go and have fun!" (Joan, leaving with Cassie) "Thank you, Sir!" (Carmen Scott, entering after they leave) "Thank you for going easy on them. My confirmation namesake has suffered enough, you know!" (KS) "Okay, dear, I kept my promise... Now will you please lift the nookie embargo already?" [The Manhattan skyline] (CW) "Here we are! New York, one of the biggest cities in the 'New World'." (Joan) "This is supposed to be like York?" (MG) "Just like 'New England' isn't really an island, or 'New London' is nowhere near the size of London..." (CW) "New Orleans does have a few areas similar to Orleans, though... There's the French Quarter, aka the 'Vieux Carre'." (Joan) "There is a New Orleans here in America? That sounds like a city I could live in!" (MG) Maybe we should warn her about what goes on during Mardi Gras..." (Joan) "Mardi Gras? Is that like Carnival?" (MG) "Um... Yes... Except people get more... uninhibited during the celebration." (CW) "We'll... have to educate you on the concept of willful exhibitionism and the proper way to react to it." (MG, talking to Cassie on the phone) "How's it goin' over there?' (CW, with Mascus laying on her) "Slowly, but surely. We took her to a therapist yesterday for the voices thing, and they're putting her on some good medication. Agent Scott and his Bureau managed to come up with 'historical documents' for her They even went as far as to slip a birth certificate into a French hospital!" (MG) "And they made her a US Citizen, right?" (CW) "Actually, they offered that to her, but she turned it down She wanted to go through the process legitimately, even if it took years to get her papers." (MG) So is she living with y'all now?" (CW) "Well, Maggie said she could stay with her and Rodney, so she'll live at their garage apartment for the time being. Joan and Maggie are quite the BFF's now And Maggie blended in to modern times with no problem, so I'm confident she can help Joan out in that area! (off-screen, as Joan and Maggie are watching a video on the computer) I think Maggie's showing her how to use the computer and the internet today[Morrissey's video of the song, "Joan of Arc", is playing on Maggie's monitor] (JA, to Maggie) "How can this Morrissey guy claim to know how I feel??? And what is a 'Walk-man' anyway?" (MHO) "I think it's like an 'iPod'." (MHO, greeting Cassie at the break room at work) "Goood Morning, Maggie! And isn't it a looovely morning?" (MHO) "Well, you're in a good mood today did you get some over the weekend?" (CW) "Wellll, not really Unless you count someone else's college football team getting %XED by someone ELSE'S college football team! YO RODNEY! Tell me how my @$$ tastes!" (RO enters, not at all happy) "%X OFF, ^+." (MHO, who is getting VERY tired of this) "Sweetie, how about you get over it so I can GET SOME as well?" [Gee, I wonder who won the Red River Shootout? OU 28, UT 20] CASSIE'S BUCKET LIST "#12 Meet the girl who wore that itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny yellow polka dot bikini." [1959] (Bikini Girl) "I feel so... uncomfortable..." (CW) "Don't worry, sweetie, you'll get used to it. Just wait 'til you get older!" (to herself) "...and the bikinis get even teenier!!!" [Homecoming King] (CW) "Well, hey there, Patrick! What brings you here?" (PatW, looking a lot bigger that when we last saw him, with a POW-MIA t-shirt on) "Just thought I'd stop by my big sister's place before I do some visits for my charity." (CW) "You're doing charity work?" (PatW) "Yep, I volunteered for the local homeless veterans services. We

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help homeless and disabled veterans, bringing them clothing, medicine and stuff like that. Today I'm going to a housing project to see a guy named Jake Holland. He's a Vietnam vet who's fallen on some hard times. He's got no family and very few friends. So I do whatever I can to try and cheer him up." (CW) "Wow... Mind if I go with you?" (PatW) "Fine with me! He'll probably appreciate a lovely lady like yourself paying him a visit!" (CW) "`Lovely lady'? You're mellowing in your age, old man. Aren't you the same guy who used to call me 'Cass-hole'?" (PatW) "Hey, at least give me credit for acknowledging that my own sister would look attractive to some grizzled old war vet... uh... (sees Mascus on Cassie's couch) Is... that some kind of iguana?" (CW) "ummm... Yes! An exotic iguana that I got as a pet!" [Jake's place] (PatW) "How's it goin', Jake?" (Jake Holland, in a wheelchair with only one arm) "PATRICK! Good to see you again.. And who's this?" (PatW) "This is my sister Cassie." (JH) "Pleased to meet you, ma'am!" (CW) "Same here... And thank you for your service to our country!" (JH) "Yeah yeah... My time in 'Nam did a load of $#!+ for my life. But that's how it goes when you're eager to go and defend freedom and democracy from the Commie bastards. [sly look at CW] You'd never think I was one of the most popular guys in high school, huh?" (CW) "I'm sure you were quite the heartthrob back then!" (JH) "Yep! Captain of the basketball team, homecoming king, prom king... I could have gotten one of them college deferments, but I volunteered instead." [Flashback photos: Jake and Brandy; Gary and Jasmine] My girlfriend Brandy thought I lost my mind. But she supported me anyway, and swore she'd wait for me. Her best friend Jasmine had to deal with her boyfriend Gary going off to 'Nam as well... Fortunately, we were stuck in the same platoon, so we looked out for each other. [Gary & Jake walking down a trail] And Vietnam was a hellhole. Everything we heard about it from the returning servicemen was true. You never knew who was your ally or your enemy... and you never knew where the next attack would come from. Brandy and Jasmine wrote to us all the time, and prayed every day for our safe return home. [CLICK BOOM] unfortunately, that's not what fate had in store. (JH continues his story) Gary was the lucky one. Landmine killed him instantly. I was close enough for the blast to burn half my body and blow off my right arm. I spent a few weeks in therapy before I was able to return home in the spring of '72. [Gary greeted by protestors] There were no parades or parties for us... Only protests, anger and hatred. I was spat upon and was called a "Baby-Killer", although I never harmed a hair on any kid's head over there. [Jasmine in a bathtub of water and blood] Jasmine was devastated after hearing of Gary's death... So much so that she killed herself a week after his funeral. As for Brandy... She must've thought I was damaged goods now, because she had run off with some pothead hippie by the time I got back to Northampton. [Jake doing some lines] I tried moving to a new city and starting over, but I slid further into depression, turning to cocaine and LSD for escape. I couldn't keep any kind of job... Before long I ended up homeless on the street. [Jake with a sign: "HOMELESS DISABLED VIETNAM VETERAN GOD BLESS YOU" and wearing a Rangers cap; PatW is looking on] I lost track of how long I spent living in dumpsters and begging for change. But Patrick found me on the corner and he was able to get me into a rehab program. (JH) "You didn't think your brother had a heart that big, did you?" (CW) "Well... I do know he went through his 'emo' phase..." (PatW) "Okay, just shut up right there."

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(CW, back home) "Man... What an emotionally draining day." (BG) "What've you been up to, Cass?" (CW) "I went with my brother to visit a Vietnam War veteran... and his story was heartbreaking. Poor guy went from faithful soldier to down and out in no time flat. He lost his girl, lost his job, got wasted on cocaine... Just ended up as one of those who fell through the cracks." (BG) "There's gotta be something we can do for him!" (CW) "Yeah, but what? A drug intervention? Talk to his girlfriend? Do we even dare go into Vietnam ourselves?" (BG) "I never did learn much about the Vietnam War. My teachers didn't dwell on it a lot in high school." (CW, reaching down to type in a URL on BG's laptop) "Well, here's a good place to start, a little piece by Paul Hardcastle..." [The "19" video] In World War II the average age of the combat soldier was 26. In Vietnam he was 19. In-in- in- in- in- in- in- in Vietnam he was 19. (BG) "What the..." (CW) "Yep, in the 80's you could make a dance track out of anything... Even a Vietnam War documentary." [2050; The beautiful beaches of the Mekong Delta] (BG) "Vietnam turned into quite a nice, exotic tourist destination since they got rid of the Communists!" (CW) "Yep. Enjoy it today, because we're gonna go landmine-digging in 1972 tomorrow! I got one of Jake's bandanas, which Nicki will scan for the DNA... And I went and bought the netpaper with the comprehensive guide to the Vietnam War stations and battles..." (BG) "Cool!" (CW, as they head back to their hotel, passing a small statue of Buddha) "all we have to do is take the hyperscooter to where Jake was last stationed, go back to '72 and have Nicki scan the area for his DNA, and then go back to before the explosion and dig those mines up!" [The Buddha speaks] (KS) "That's pretty brave of you, Cassie..." (CW) "AGENT SCOTT! Look, I know you don't want us to do this..." (KS) "Actually, I'm not gonna stop you from trying to save them... but you only get one chance at this. It's too dangerous for us to get too involved... and for you to risk a continuum rupture." (BG) "$#!+. We're really in over our heads." [2050; Cassie, Bethany & Nicki are speeding through the jungles of 'Nam in the Hyperscooter] (CW) "According to the map, the location of Jake and Gary's last camp is nearby. Got the shovels?" (BG) "Yep!" (CW) "We'll first go to 1973 and scan for flesh particles." [1973; all three girls are in traditional Vietnamese garb except for Nicki's "periscope"] (CW) "It's quiet." (BG) "TOO quiet." (CW) "Any readings, Nicki?" (Nicki) "I'm getting high readings of Jake's DNA 116 yards up the road. Presumably they are leftover particles from his severed arm." (CW) "Okay, let's move!" [1972] (CW) "Are we at the minefield?" (Nicki) "Yes. The exact locations of the buried landmines are being projected. Please exercise caution." (CW) "Great... Let's get shoveling! If we move fast, we could get enough of these dug up for Nicki to uproot before... [ PSHINNNGGG there goes Cassie's hat!] ...SOMEONE SHOWS UP!" [1972; Vietnam and there's a war going on] (Nicki) "We have to get out of here. We will NOT survive if we stay!" (CW) "%X!!! What have I gotten us INTO???" (BG) "Don't worry about it! RUN!!!" (Nicki) "STAY IN FRONT OF ME AND FOLLOW THE LASER ARROW TO AVOID THE ATTACKERS!" [PSHYANNNNG] (BG) "OH$#!+OH$#!+ OH$#!+OH$#!+..." (CW) "What the... [ Water's edge] There's NOWHERE TO GO!!!" (BG) "We're dead... We're %XING DEAD!!!..." [That's an odd-looking hippo in the water...] (KS, from the mouth of the "hippo") "CASSIE! EVERYONE! IN HERE!" (CW) "AGENT SCOTT! THANK GOD!!!" [Don't ask He managed to get full clearance from the CIA/FBI for any actions needed as a time-travelling secret agent...]

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[1972; inside a "hippo sub" in the South Asian Sea] (CW) "So... did anything change back there?" (KS) "I'm afraid not. According to my sources, Gary's still dead and Jake still lost his arm." (CW, shaking) "No... NO... It can't end this way! We GOTTA go back..." (KS) "Cassie! Please... Let it go." (CW, crying on KS' shoulder) "It's SNIFF- just not fair, dammit!..." (KS) "Cassie... You can't save everyone. It's amazing, and quite touching, how much you've done for so many lives already... but sometimes you just have to let life and death run its natural course." (CW, curled up in the fetal position) "-Sigh- I know... I just really wanted to make things better for Jake in some way.. He sure as hell didn't deserve the fate he ended up with!" (KS) "Actually... There might be something else we can do..." [Brandy at a bar] ...We just need to get in touch with the right people... [Jasmine, crying over a photo of Gary] ... in the right place... [Jake, as he waits to get off the bus with other soldiers] ... at the right time. [1972; Voiceover of a speech presumably by one Cassandra Wells; as a USAF jet lands on US soil] Thank you, commissioners, for the opportunity to speak to you today. [Jake, getting taunted and spat on and flipped off] I would like to address the plight of our soldiers returning home from the war in Vietnam. [Jake, in the back of a taxi, looking at a photo of himself and Gary] We all know that this war has left a bad taste in our collective mouths... And we know that some of our troops have committed unspeakable atrocities. [The taxi passes the city limits sign of Northampton, Texas] But let us not allow the evil actions of a few to be a stain on the greater honorable cause that our courageous American forces have undertaken. [Jake pays the cab driver] By and large... Our soldiers are still human beings. Decent human beings from all walks of life. [Jake turns and heads around the corner] They deserve our undying respect and gratitude for putting their lives on the line in the name of freedom and democracy. [Jake stops in his tracks...] [1972; Northampton, Texas; Cassie's speech continues] So I feel it is only right that we should organize a Welcome Home Celebration for Mr. Holland and the other soldiers who made huge sacrifices for the good of our country. [Everyone in town is there, with WELCOME HOME, THANK YOU JAKE, GOD BLESS YOU, WE LOVE YOU JAKE! and WELCOME BACK, SOLDIER signs] It would not only lift the spirits of our brave troops... [Jake sees Brandy and Jasmine] ...but also inspire us everyday civilians to do more to help them in their time of need. [Running hugs!] I trust that you will make the right decision and assist us in this small yet noble effort. [The backs of two distant observers one a blonde woman, the other a midget watch the reunion unfold] Thank you. Thank you all. [A "few weeks later", back home] (CW) "Hi, Patrick! Thanks for getting that stuff from Tyler for me!" (PatW) No problem... Got a few visits in town anyway!" (CW) "Cool... Is Jake one of them?" (PatW, who, by the way, is wearing his Texas A&M Aggie shirt) "um... Jake?" (CW) "Yeah, Jake Holland... One of the local homeless veterans... Weren't you paying him a visit a few weeks ago?" (PatW) "I... never heard of a homeless guy named Jake Holland." (CW) Oh... Okaaay. I... must have gotten him mixed up with someone else." (to herself) Whoa... Well, I guess I can't feel bad. He probably got his life back together after we did that Welcome Home party. Still... I wish I could find out what happened to him! (PatW) "I mean, there's the Jake Holland who's the director of our charity, but that's not who you're talking about, is it?" [Vietnam Veterans Memorial, Washington DC] "How's it goin', Patrick?" (PatW) "Just fine! This is my sister Cassie.

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She wanted to meet the guy in charge of this operation." (JH) "Hello, Cassie! Jake Holland. I hope you don't mind shaking a bionic hand!" (CW) "Not at all... You sure went through a lot!" (CW) "Well, war is hell, but you can get through it with the right woman at your side!" (Brandy, who is a lot older now, of course) "Brandy Mills-Holland. Pleased to meet you!" (CW) "So you're with his charity as well?" (BH) "Yes. We both run Gary's Guys, a non-profit that provides therapy and support for homeless and disabled veterans." (JH, showing Cassie an "imprint" of Gary's name from The Wall) "Named after an old combat buddy of mine... One who didn't make it back from 'Nam alive. I was in quite a rut when I got home. But somebody was gracious enough to throw a coming-home party for me. And that inspired me to start this. It really lifted my spirits when I needed it. I wish I could thank whoever did that, but I never could hunt them down. It seemed like they disappeared!" (BMH) "I thank that little guy who convinced me to stay with Jake. Best decision I ever made!" (CW) "Wellll... You know... I'm sure they were very happy to help out a brave soldier like yourself." (JH) "Yeah. All I can do is just pay it forward. Not enough people seem to realize [pan back from the four] we may have been molded into fighting machines [overview of the wall with a "ghostly" Gary looking over them] but while we're still alive... we're still human." [1001] (Norwegian leader, speaking in his native tongue; TMO notes he indicates foreign language by the flag sublimated behind the speech bubble) "Men! One of the natives of this new land would like to lead us in a song celebrating our arrival! [Exterior shot of Newfoundland huts] I think we have everything figured out, so follow me... One, two, three..." (MG) "AH-ah-AHHHHHHAHHH! AH-ah-AHHHHHH-AHHH!" (Nordic men, singing) "I come from the land of the ice and snow, from the midnight sun where the hot springs blow!" (CW, aside) "Let's hope this gets lost in history. I don't think the Zep needs any more plagiarism accusations!" [Jeffersonian Principles] [Turkey Feast time at the local Homeless Assistance Center] (MH) "Ready to serve the homeless masses again, Cassie?" (CW) "Wouldn't miss it for the world, Mags! (looking through the window with Maggie) What a huge turnout this year!" (MH) "Yep... Thanks to the recession, we're gonna have our hands full." (Director) "Cassie, you're on mashed potato duty..." (CW) "Alrighty!" (Director) "Maggie, you'll handle the gravy... Joan, you said you're good with knives. Can you help carve the turkey?" (JA, saluting with her knife) "It would be an honor!" (CW, serving up the mashed potatoes) "Here you go, sir! Happy thanksgiving!" (Homeless man) "Thank you, ma'am! [pause] umm... Is your name Cassie?" (CW looks ahead stunned) "ALLEN?" [Confused? Go back to strip 298...] (CW) "Well. THIS is awkward." (AJ, who looks a LOT different now long, scraggly hair, growth of beard and old, ratty clothes) "Yeah. It's been a while since that one day." (CW) "I feel so awful. I know it's been fifteen years, but seeing you like this makes me wish I could've said more." (AJ) "Cassie Don't feel bad. Remember, I told you to not say anything. Your reputation and I'm sure your scholarships were at stake. At least you're doing well now, I'm happy for you!" (CW) "But If I'd have known that my silence would have led to you losing everything like this, I would never have clammed up!" (AJ) "Please stop blaming yourself. I took it as a life lesson learned the hard way. I found someplace to live and work where they didn't mind me being labeled a sex offender" (CW, facepalming for real) "SEX OFFENDER??? %X I REALLY feel like $#!+ now!" (AJ) "Look, what it all

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boils down to is I was ultimately at fault here. I was the one that didn't even bother to ask how old you were when we first met. It was my stupid mistake. Made my bed and I've laid in it. But I've gotten by for the most part. I've been homeless for only a few months, really. This is just a minor setback, I'll get back on my feet. The past is done There's nothing we can do about it." (CW) "Well, I can do something (thinks a second) Uh, never mind." (BG) "Hey Cass! How'd the turkey dinner go?" (CW) "Ugh It was an emotional roller coaster this year." (BG) "Whoa How so?" (CW) "Allen Jefferson was there." (BG) "Allen? The guy you hooked up with on our '95 Six Flags trip?" (CW) "Yes And he was one of the homeless guys!!!" (BG) "Oh my God And you pretty much put him there!" (CW, hand to her head again) "SHUT UP! I'm feeling GUILTY ENOUGH as it is! He kept telling me it wasn't my fault I'd like to think he was being sincere, but deep down inside he probably still resents me!" (BG) "I don't think so Allen was never the aggressive type, more of an easygoing slacker dude. You think you might go back and do something about his criminal record?" (CW) "I don't know I mean, since the younger me was involved, it would probably not be a good idea." (BG) "I hope you got him a decent place to stay for a night, at least" (CW) "Um Wellll" (AJ, with his backpack) "So which room did you say I can sleep in?" [NSFW] (BG) "He's staying HERE???" (AJ) "Nice to see you again TOO, Beth." (BG) "I DON'T like this You know how many diseases he could be carrying???" (CW) "Beth, CHILL OUT! I'm making him shower before he gets in bed!" (BG) "I'm sorry, but I do NOT want him here!" (CW) "Uh May I remind you who made this house possible?" (ND) "And as the technical owner of this house, I approve of what Cassie is doing, giving a homeless person a safe place to sleep and clean himself." (BG, not happy) "-Sigh- Fine, Whatever" (CW) "Thanks for stepping in, Nicki You think you could 'sleep' in a bed for the time being? I'll make sure you get an extension cord." (ND) "Yes I will, Cassie." (CW, to herself as she does some makeup adjustment) I hope Allen's presence here doesn't stir up any more trouble. I know I'm doing the right thing here No one's showing up from the future, so we're safe, right? Maybe something interesting will come out of all this(AJ, naked as a jaybird) "Um, Cass? Your bathroom's all out of towels." [NSFW] (CW, eyes closed and looking away) "Oh my Here, I hope don't mind that I used it already!" (AJ) "Heh No problem, I've had a lot worse!" (CW) "I'm just glad to see you still in one piece Homelessness can be rough on people, especially if you're new to it!" (AJ, towel now wrapped around his waist) "Well, it helps to know a bunch of martial arts moves, and some good hiding places to stash stuff in (drying his hair) And I don't have to worry about dumpster-diving for food, thanks to a discarded 'Sam's Club' membership card and some generous sample vendors." (CW) "Look, if there's anything you need to help you get back to a normal life, by all means let me know. (blow-drying his hair with her dryer) I can help you in some ways that most others can't!" (AJ) "Cassie, that is so very sweet of you but you've already gone out of your way to give me a place to sleep and clean up I don't know how I can repay you for that!" (CW) "Well How about (pulling off her tank top) we pick up where we left off (and letting her panties drop!) Before we were so rudely interrupted." [And AJ's towel hits the floor!] [NSFW, kinda] [Exterior shot, Cassie's house with a Christmas decoration out on the front lawn] (CW) "So Did you enjoy last night's activities?' (AJ) "Yeah, though to be honest It felt like just a sympathy %X." (CW)

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"Allen, sweetie, I know you've got a lot of pride in you, as well as a lot of bitterness (snuggling up to AJ) But I care about you. I can't help it, you were my first time! I don't want to see you down and out, or struggling, or bitter, or anything like that!" (AJ) "I'm sorry, Cass All those years of all the $#!+ I went through in life had gotten me this way. My parents resented me for what I did. After I graduated they kicked me out of the house and didn't do anything to help me on my own. So I couldn't help but become fiercely independent and honest to the point of bluntness." (CW) "Look, I don't care what you say, I feel somewhat responsible for all this So at least let me help! I've got some real good connections, too! I know an FBI agent who works as a spy and (sudden realization hitsshe runs out of the house, wearing only a pink robe, as Matt walks up) Oh, hey, Matt." (MG) "Yo. Wild night?" (CW) "No comment. (over to the Christmas decoration a penguin with "Happy Holidays" on its stomach) You're NOT spying on me during sex, RIGHT?" (KS) "Right. Carmen would kill me." (AJ, wearing one of Cassie's OU shirts) "Look, Mister Scott I really don't want any help. I'd rather figure this $#!+ out myself" (KS) "Allen We all need a helping hand every once in a while. (digging something out of a briefcase) And here's what we have set up, thanks to my friends in witness protection You'll get a slight different name Instead of Allen Daniel Jefferson, you'll now be known as Allen Thomas Jefferson. With that will go a new Social Security Number. We can alter your school records and relocate them to a faraway high school, like in Iowa or something. That way you'll have no criminal record on file. Sex offender status gone. And finally, we'll give you Five thousand dollars that would have been otherwise lost in the 2008 stock market crash. No questions asked. (giving him the money) Thats all we're doing for you. A clean slate and startup money. Everything else, you're on your own." (AJ) "Well, thanks, but " (CW) "ALLEN Do it. For me. Please." (AJ looks at her for a moment, then) "Thanks. I'll try my best to put that to good use." (BG) "Allen, I'm really sorry about yesterday. I overreacted and I don't want you to think I'm a complete ^+ or anything." (AJ) "That's okay, Bethany. I knew I'd rub some of y'all the wrong way." (BG) "And if you want, you're welcome to stay here for as long as you need to." (AJ) "Thanks, but I'm gonna take Matt up on his offer." (MG) "Yeah, my rent's going up and since there's no raise in sight, I need a roommate to make ends meet. And I'm confident Allen can find a good job soon." (CW) "You sure about that?" (FCW) "PSST!" (nods at Cassie from around the corner) (CW) "Never mind, I'm sure things will work out (outside) Well, best of luck to you, Allen! Aren't you glad now that we met up yesterday?" (AJ) "Heh I sure am! Take care, Cass." [big kiss!] (BG, as Cassie comes back inside) "So Does this mean Allen has potential for a relationship?" (CW) "Hmmm Now that you mention it, I wish my future self had given me a bit more info" CASSIE'S BUCKET LIST "#13 Dance in the world premiere of the Nutcracker Ballet." [1892] "If Historical Figures Did Television RADIO Commercials", #7 (Voice-over) Buddlite presents "Reeeal Men of Geeeeniuuuus" Today we salute YOU, Mister post-impressionist dot-by-dot painter. "Mister postimpressionist dot-by-dot paaaaaainter" Other artists use bold strokes of color in their works But you would rather dip a brush in paint And poke at the canvas repeatedly. "Borderline obsessive-compulsive" Trees, lakes, kids, dogs. All beautifully rendered by thousands of tiny handmade paint circles. "I hooope I don't get Arthritiiis!..." Ordinary paintings take only a day or two But it may be

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months, even years, before your masterpiece is ready for the world to admire. "There goes my social life" So crack open an ice-cold Buddlite, O sultan of spatter Because your deluge of dots really connect with us. "Mister postimpressionist dot-by-dot paaaaaainter!" [Karaoke for New Year's Eve, 2011] (JA, singing "Burning For You" by Blue Oyster Cult) "I'm burnin' I'm burnin' I'm burnin' for yooooouuu" (CW, to Matt, whose face we can't see) "Yes, I am aware of the irony in Joan's choice of music" [2011 begins] [Hello, Dolley!] [1809; Washington DC, outside the White House] (President James Madison, consoling his wife after a visit with Matt) "Now, now, Dolley, you know you've baked many a cake for a party. The young man was just complimenting you on your delicacies!" (Dolley Madison) "Yes, James, but I don't ever remember making anything called a Zinger!" [Yet again Matt is smiling while Cassie's eyes are lifted skyward] [Cassie's computer room; the Windows XP boot-up screen is on her screen but no Cassie in sight as Bethany enters] (BG) "Cassie? (The monitor now is showing the "welcome" screen as Bethany realizes a time portal is opening behind her) Woops" (CW) "Oh hey Beth Is it up and running yet?" (BG) "It just got to the desktop, which means it'll be another three minutes before we can start anything. And how long ago did you time-warp from?" (CW, thinking) "Um Five minutes?" (BG) "Yyyyeah It's definitely time to get a new computer." [Philled In] (CW greets Philip outside their home) "Hey there! Welcome to our humble abode!" (PW) "I almost couldn't believe the directions you gave me This is quite a ritzy part of town! How could you afford this house?" (CW, kissing him on the cheek) "It's a long story but suffice it to say I had some good connections. Besides, I do share this place with my friends Bethany and Nicki. Girls, this is Philip, that guy in Lubbock that I told you about." (BG) "Hiya, Philip!" (ND) "Hello!" (PW) "Pleased to meet you!" (CW) "We also keep an exotic lizard as a pet Say hello to Mascus!" (Mascus) "Rawwwnk!" (PW) "Cool! This door leads to the garage?" (CW) "Yep! We keep a lot of stuff in there, instead of our cars" (PW) "Wow, I feel like I'm in a costume shop!" (CW) "Yeah, um well I am quite serious about my 'larping'!" [Dress up time in the CW Garage!] (PW, in full western sheriff outfit) "Howdy, ma'am! What brings you to our onehorse town?" (CW, in her Lady of the Old West outfit) "Oooh, you know that gets me going But try on some other stuff!" (CW, in her cavewoman outfit) "Doctor Webberstone, I presume?" (PW, in pith helmet and khakis) "Wow, is that real animal hide?" (PW, in a Shakespearian-era outfit) "FORSOOTH! Would if I only hath possession of a pointed beard on my person, then mine Elizabethan persona wouldst be complete!" (CW, in olde English barmaid outfit) "Yea, though a ruffled collar looketh rather comedic in any other era, does it not?" (CW, being "dipped" by PW in a classic GWTW pose) "Hmmm Your mustache probably needs to be thinner for this one." (PW, in his best Rhett Butler) "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn." (PW) "Good morning, sunshine!" (CW) "Heyyy This isn't my bed! You must've really worn me out last night!" (PW) "Well, thanks for letting me sleep over for the energy conference Saves me a chunk of change!" (CW) "No problem You want breakfast? We've got everything from eggs to cereal to sausage!" (PW) "Hmmm Well, I can make a mean omelet, you wanna try (MG appears) uh, Hi there!" (MG, somewhat surprised) "You must be Philip!" (CW, emerging from the bedroom) "Matt! YOU'RE early!" (MG) "Bethany invited us to go out for

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coffee. We just got here a couple of minutes ago" (CW) "`WE'? Allen's with you?" (MG) "Yeah She invited BOTH of us" (AJ) "Hey Cass! Bet you're surprised to see me (seeing Philip behind Cassie) Uh" (PW) "Who's surprised to see who, now?" (MG, to Bethany, who is behind him) "So Would you like some whipped cream with your awkward feeling?" (AJ) "Who the %X is he?!" (CW) "COOL IT, Allen Philip was just spending the night here!" (AJ) "Good GOD, Cass. I've only dated you for just over a month and already you're fooling around on me!" (CW) "Um, I don't know where you get your ideas, Allen, but I NEVER said I was exclusively with you!" (PW) "She's right, dude. I'm just a casual acquaintance as well." (AJ) "YOU stay out of this, BRAWNY!" (PW) "It's hard to when you just made me a part of it!" (AJ) "I wasn't the one that made you a part of it, SHE'S the one slutting it up!" (CW, hearing one of her "trigger words") "WHAT?!?!" (PW) "This has gone far enough" (AJ) "That's right, go back to 1976 where you BELONG!" (CW, taking AJ by the shirt) "Look, @$$#0|3 Im not your girl, I'm NOT a slut, and you're WAY out of line, so I suggest you SHUT THE %X UP before you lose me PERMANENTLY!" (AJ) "You know, you could've said somethiWhat the" (PW, in full revolutionary duelist outfit) "PISTOLS AT DAWN, SCOUNDREL!" (CW) "See, this is what happens when you &!$$ off a cosplayer" (JA) "Go back to the Ren-Fest, you drama queen!" (PW) "Why don't you go back under the bridge you crawled out from!" (CW, getting between them and nearly going POSTAL) "THAT'S! %XING! ENOUGH!!! (lecturing Philip) Let me make this CLEAR I do NOT want a steady relationship right now! If I want Allen, Philip or some random 0X from a wild night out, THAT'S what the %x I want and NONE of you are gonna stop me! (lecturing Allen) Maybe that still makes me a slut, but if some people can't handle a woman who's in control of her sexuality, that's THEIR PROBLEM! Now just be glad I still wanna %x the both of you, because all this fighting over me is a major turnoff for me. (walking away from both of them) I'm going out for breakfast soon. Allen, I suggest you hang with Matt and Bethany until they're ready to go. Philip, you can stay, just let Nicki know when you're leaving." [Exeunt Cassandra, to Allen and Philip's amazement] (AJ) "What just happened here?" (PW, taking off his wig) "I think we've become her bitches." (BG, at the coffee shop with Allen) "You know, Allen I just don't get you sometimes. In high school you were this laid back, easygoing slacker type, all sensitive and openminded And now here you are getting all Alpha-male on everybody!" (AJ) "-Sigh- I don't know what happened I guess all the crap in my life got to me and hardened me up." (BG) "I just don't like to see my best friend get attacked like that. And I don't think she appreciated that 'slut' comment." (AJ) "Yeah I'm sorry I said that. I really hope I didn't ruin my chances with her." (BG) "Well, she did say she still wants to hook up with you. Still, it would probably be best to wait a few days for everything to calm down before you try again." (AJ) "I guess so." (BG) "Come on, let's go find Matt!" (AJ) "Where did he run off to?" (BG) "I'm guessing he's hitting on someone right about now" (MG) "Hey there Are you as exotic as the coffee beans here?" (Pee-Jee from Something Positive who is the WRONG person to try to hit on) "Imagine your balls going through a coffee grinder Very slowly. That's what this experience is like for me." (MG) "Ouuuch." (BG) "Wow What a morning. If I'd have known that inviting Matt and Allen over would have set off all those fireworks, I'd have told them to meet me there!" (CW)

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"Don't worry about it, Beth. I could've sworn I told Allen that I didn't want anything serious at the moment." (BG) "It's a shame, though, right? All these years of equality, empowerment, Lilith Fairs and Vagina Monologues And we're still looked down upon if we sleep around like men do." (CW) "Well, at least we've seen the future. Once the public hears of stuff like the Frances Exhibition, Sheila Sprinkle and the incubator phenomenon, that will level the playing field in a few decades." (BG) "Don't forget about President [Meredith] Gran!" (CW) "Oh yeah Wait 'til they get a load of HER!" [World2; Cassie is typing away at her computer] <P78TX> We meet again, mysterious mistress of the evening. <NCDFW> I'm only a little bit mysterious. :) I take it you got back OK? <P78TX> Yep. Made some pretty good connections at the conference. <NCDFW> I'm sorry things got so weird that morning. [World2 rendering of Philip and Cassie] <P78TX> No apologies necessary. I don't want to infringe on your fun-loving ways. :) <NCDFW> LOL thanx. I'm glad you understand. <P78TX>I just want to say this I know you want to stay unattached and uncommitted for now but if you did decide to get serious with someone I'd hope to be the first in line. You mean a lot to me, as a friend and "freewheeling lover." [ Philip is typing on his laptop in the front seat of his truck] <NCDFW> I don't know what to say to that. <P78TX> "Well, I'd kick myself if I didn't get to tell you how I felt about you. And you probably don't want to hear a certain 3 words right now, so I'll just say I love spending time with you. Gotta run service call time see ya <Philip78TX has signed off> [and Cassie stares at the screen, blankly.] (BG) "So What future fare have you brought us this time?" (CW, in a rather unique hairstyle) "This little alphabet toy here Vintage 2042!" (BG) "What's so special about that thing?" (CW) "Well Hear it for yourself!" [presses a button, and letters are projected holographically in the air] (Toy voice, singing) "Q, W, E, R, T Y, U, I-O-P, A, S, D F, G, HJ, K, L Z, X, C, V, B, N, M Now I know my Q-W-E's" (BG) "That's Creepy." (CW) "Just goes to show you how pervasive that keyboards and texting will get in our society." [1877] (CW, reciting lyrics from a certain "song") "Today's Tom Sawyer, He gets high on you And the space he invades, he gets by on you. No, his mind is not for rent to any God or government Always hopeful yet discontent He knows changes aren't permanent, but change is." (Mark Twain) "That's... quite an interesting take on my story that this Mister Peart has" [For SHAME if you don't recognize the lyrics] (BG, at the front desk of TerCon as Cassie comes in, pointing to a bouquet of roses) "Hey Cass! These are for YOU!" (CW) "REALLY? Awesome! (looks at the card) They're from Allen!" (BG) "Hmmm... Looks like Philip needs to step up now!" (CW) "Actually, Philip already sent me an e-mail greeting, and he also says he's got something in the mail!" (BG) "Lucky you... What does the card from Allen say?" (CW) "Lemme look... (laughing) HAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, that's HILARIOUS!" (BG) "What???" (CW, showing her the card) "You know, if that's not a timely Valentine's Day card, I don't know WHAT is!" [Trollface character with text: "CASSIE U STOLE MY HEART / Y U NO GIVE IT BACK 2 ME?"] (CW, watching the news coverage of the riots in Egypt) "Wow... Egypt's being turned upside down." (MG) "Riots everywhere, the military taking control..." (CW) "Yeah, it's a madhouse! Not even reporters are safe!" (MG) "And what about the Egyptian Lover? What kind of imminent danger could he be in???" (CW, pausing to give Matt a

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look, then) "Matt, whoever the 'Egyptian Lover' is, I'm sure he's nowhere near Egypt at the moment..." (MG, fist raised in defiance) "SAVE THE EGYPTIAN LOVER, DAMMIT!!!" [Greg Broussard, aka "Egyptian Lover", is the DJ genius behind 1984's hit hip-hop song, "Egypt, Egypt". He's currently out touring, and recently toured in support of everyone's favorite bird flipper, MIA.] "If Historical Figures Did Television Commercials," #8: [Pitcher throws the ball] (Pitcher) "Whoa, your timing was way off!" (off-screen grunt) "ARRGHHH!" (Genghis Khan, swinging and missing at another pitch using a sword) "UUUUUNNNGH!!! (Unhappy Genghis is UNHAPPY) YAAAARGH!!!!" (Second player) "Dude Eat a 'Snickers' already! (hands him a SNICKERS bar) I swear, you get all Genghis Khan on everyone when you've been starving!" (Batter, who has turned back into "himself") "-Sigh- Yeah, you're right" [Bat is sticking through a fence] YOU'RE NOT YOU WHEN YOU'RE HUNGRY. [1993] (CW) "Oh man... I can't believe I fell into the world's largest cereal bowl!" (MG, wearing a Pavement tshirt) "All that just to get Kid Rock's attention!" (CW) "Well, at least no friends of mine will know about this." (MG) "Oh, there may be a bit of photographic evidence..." (CW, off screen) "WHAT??!" (MG, holding the photo of Cassie climbing out of the "World's Largest Cereal Bowl" from the Calhoun County Fair, Battle Creek Michigan) "One Hour Photo, Baby!" (CW, grabbing the photo from Matt) "GIMME THAT! This is staying here in Michigan in the TRASH!" (MG) "Oh, come ON!" [neither notice girl in the background] (CW, off screen) "Ugh. I can't BELIEVE you took that picture!" (MG, off screen as we look at the contents of the garbage can) "Well, excuse ME, Nellie No-fun." [Hand picks up the part of the picture from the trash] (Background Girl, to herself) Heh... A "Corn Flake Girl"...[Background Girl is Tori Amos!] Hmmm... Maybe that's what I'll call that song I've been working on! [The Clay To San Jose] (BG, sitting next to Cassie on a plane) "Now where exactly are these folks at again?" (CW) "If I remember correctly, Nicki said that our old Woodstock friends are in San Jose and they now own a pottery shop. (BG) "That's gonna be so weird... we only met them a couple of years ago, and now to them it'll be over 40 years since they saw us!" (CW) "Which is why we gotta remember to use our real names while we're there. And if they mention our 'Hippie Selves', they're supposed to be our parents." (BG) "It's great that they manage to start a business back then, and keep it going up to this point!" (CW) "Well, I'm just glad that our involvement in their lives didn't alter that career path they took. (turning to Matt, who is reading a magazine with a Cornelius Snarlington from 'Scenes From A Multiverse' on the back cover) What's your plan for the Bay area, Matt?" (MG, sarcasm_mode=ON) "I was gonna go back to the 80's and take in a pre-big-time Metallica or Green Day show. Nothing as heartwarming or existential-ish as YOUR plans, mind you..." [Downtown San Francisco!] (CW) "Got the hotel keys, Beth?" (BG) "Got 'em... Now, let's get to San Jose!" (CW, in front of the Merchants Exchange Building, handing Matt the time machine) "We're not gonna need the time machine for this... So here you go, Matt. Please be careful with it." (MG) "Sure thing!" (BG) "Sometimes I find it hard to believe that you can trust him with your machine." (CW) "Well, he's taken it on solo trips before, and after all, he did help me put it together... (walking away) ...I'm pretty sure he's not gonna pull anything drastic like relocate the Golden Gate Bridge! (BG looks as CW doesn't notice that the plaque outside the Merchants Exchange now reads

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'Matthias Gahan Building'...) Come on, the rail station should be just a few blocks away!" (BG, outside "Neptune Butterfly Fine Ceramics") "This must be the place!" (CW) "It's their names, alright!" (BG, inside the store with Cassie) "Wow... They do some pretty cool stuff!" (Off-screen voice) "Hello! Can I help you find anything?" (CW, surprised) "Butterfly? How've you been? My... Mom's told me so much about you!" (Butterfly, now a lot older, in a tie-dyed dress) "Your mom? Would I know her?" (CW) "She said she gave you a ride to Woodstock!" (Butterfly, thinking) "Hmmm... I don't quite remember that!" (BG) "And the old Woodstock adage still rings true..." [Hey, I recognize a few of those pots on the shelf in the background That's Skull from PvP in the first panel on the same shelf as Buddha from Rule of Three; that looks a LOT like Snoopy's doghouse a few shelves up. There's a flying saucer from Revolutionary Girl Utena! And isn't that Pintsize from QC in the last two panels?] (BG, out of hearing range of Butterfly, to CW) "There's gotta be something we can do to jog her memory!" (CW) "I don't know, Beth... I mean, we are dealing with a Woodstock veteran here. If she can't remember us, it's pretty hopeless." (BG) "Well, this is... anticlimactic." ("Neptune" aka Ned, entering in from behind them) "WHAT'S anticlimactic?" (CW) "Butterfly doesn't remember us... I mean, our moms from Woodstock!" (BG, realizing) "Wait... are you Neptune?" (Ned) "Well, it's just Ned now. I haven't gone by my old hippie name since the Eighties. But anyway, I've got just the thing for customers such as yourselves! (to Butterfly) BUFFY! Time to get the special stash!" (BG) "Special stash..?" (CW) "Do I even want to know what that is?" (CW, introducing themselves to Ned and Buffy) "I'm Cassie, and this is Bethany." (BG) "Do the names 'Sandstone' and 'Honeydew' ring a bell?" (Buffy) "Vaguely..." (Ned) "Well, just look at them, Butterfly! They're the spitting image of their mothers! (reaching to lift something out of a box) And it's time we gave 'em this pot!" (CW) "POT?! Hold on, I'm NOT a smoker!" (Ned, chuckling) "Heh heh, I knew that would throw ya! Here... (unveiling the pot, which says "WOODSTOCK 1969" on it, with a peace sign, and a "drawing" of their orange van and Cassie, Matt & Bethany as stick figures holding hands at the base) Back in '76 when we first started our shop, we made a special planter commemorating our Woodstock trip. And we swore that if our van-ridin' buddies or their kids ever showed up in our store, this thing would be our gift to them." (Buffy) "So here ya go! It's on the house." (CW, crying a bit) "-Sniff- That's so... touching." (BG) "My... mother would SO love this!" (BG) "And there's Matt!" (CW) "What have you been up to?" (MG, wearing a PRIMUS SUCKS t-shirt) "Oh, I've been spending a total of two weeks doing stuff... From a 'love-in' at Haight-Ashbury, to seeing Joe Montana play with the 49ers, to driving to Sacramento just to show up on the 'Jennicam'!" (BG) "What about those two bands you wanted to catch in their early years?" (MG) "Oh yeah, Metallica kicked @$$... It was awesome to see Cliff Burton play again!" (CW) "And what about Green Day? Did you go back to when they were unknown?" (MG) "I sure did... That was a great show too! And those guys had NO idea what they were in for..." [1991] (MG, talking to Billie Joe Armstrong, Tr Cool and Mike Dirnt of Green Day) "I'm tellin' ya, dudes... One of these days you'll all be putting on a huge Broadway musical!" (BJA) "Heh... Yeah, that's what a lot of our gay friends tell us!" (MD) "What are YOU smokin'?" [1611] (William Shakespeare, getting some "writing advice" from a certain male time-traveler) "Hmmm...

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Verily that is a wonderful suggestion for the soliloquy!" (MG) "And you need not credit me, sir... 'Tis my little verbal gift to you!" (Actor, on the stage of the Globe Theater, reciting the lines as Prospero) "Alas! I feel as if I am plummeting down an endless series of holes, fighting off crimson beasts and emerald spikes!" (CW, in the crowd with Matt) "Oh good LORD... YOU put that line in, didn't you..." (MG) "Well, I thought it was quite appropriate for 'The Tempest'!" [Matt, of course, enjoyed playing Tempest as a kid same as the guy who drew strip 128...] [1980; ABC Networks offices] (ABC Executive) "Okay, let's hear the next demo for the opening theme... This is from... Bethany." [the easel in the background lists some of their "new shows" for the Fall Season: "That's Incredible!", "Ted Knight Sitcom" (Too Close For Comfort), "Bosom Buddies", "Drugs R Us new Late Night Comedy Show" ("Fridays", which starred Michael Richards yes, THAT Michael Richards)] [BG, in a short afro, presses play on her tape player... to the sound of Rebecca Black singing "Friday"!] (BG, outside the offices of ABC in New York City) "Turns out nobody liked it!" (CW) "I told you they wanted something more hip-sounding for their 'Fridays' show!" [Working Things Out] (AJ, on the phone) "Hey Cass!" (CW) "Allen! What's going on, sweetie?" (AJ) "I got a JOB!" (CW) "Great! Where at?" (AJ) "The local Half Price Books! It's not much... 30 hours a week for eight bucks an hour... But it's a START!" (CW, with Mascus laying on her on the couch) "Cool! Congratulations!" (AJ) "Thanks! I wanna celebrate... Let's go out to dinner tonight!" (CW) "Dinner? Out? You sure you wanna do that now?" (AJ) "I set aside a hundred of that five thousand especially for this purpose... You wanna bring Nicki and Bethany too? (door SLAM in background) I'll ask Matt! (turning to Matt, who's just come in) "Hey Matt! You wanna go out to dinner with me and Cassie? I'm celebrating!" (MG, angry look as he's carrying a cardboard box) "Celebrating WHAT? Me getting LAID OFF???" [Dun-dun-DUNNNNNN...] [TGI Friday's, somewhere in North Texas] (MG, explaining what happened at Chandarlis) "Truth is, I knew we'd shut down sooner or later... Businesses like ours can hold our own against the Travelocities and Hotwires of the world for only so long... So if anything I'm just a victim of $#!++Y timing." (CW) "I'm so sorry, Matt. I'd try and get you on at TerCon, but we had to let go a couple of our own people recently." (BG) "This recession's been rough on everybody!" (AJ) "I still have enough to cover the rent for the next four months, at least..." (MG) "Hopefully you won't have to... I'll work something out..." (BG) "Things'll get better soon. Right, Cassie?" [Cassie has a very, VERY blank stare on her face as the other three look at her] (MG, through clenched teeth) "Yeesh. I don't like that look." (AJ) "Well, hey, no one can really predict the future... Right? [Matt and Bethany join in on the blank stare] Okay, does everyone have to get that look on their face now???" (BG, driving home with Cassie) "I feel so bad for Matt!" (CW) "Yeah, if it wasn't for him working next door to me, I'd have had a harder time putting my time machine together!" (BG) "Well, thanks to that time machine, you've gotten your finances to where you don't really need your job now... Can't you set up something for him?" (CW, as they arrive home) "I would, but if I know one thing about Matt, it's that he wouldn't want stuff made easier for him.. He likes working for a living, same as me. And besides, Allen sharing an apartment with him kind of complicates everything." (BG) "Yeah... That was kinda awkward at the restaurant tonight." (CW) "I hate to keep the time travel

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secret from Allen... But I don't think he'd react well to it." (BG) "Maybe so... But if he's the one you were meant to be with, you might as well find out if he's trustworthy." (CW) "You're right. Next time I see Allen, I'm gonna let him in on the time-traveling stuff!" (KS, inside the birdbath that wasn't there this morning) "Um... NOT a good idea." (CW, not even batting an eye) "And how would you know, Agent Scott?" (BG) "More importantly, how do you not feel cramped and twisted in there?" (KS, emerging from the birdbath) "This -Oof- is me from next Saturday... You told Allen about the time traveling stuff... And pretty much what happened with Chad happens there too." (CW) "Really? Crap..." (KS) "Yeah, I'm really sorry, Cassie... Allen's a great guy... Strong-willed yet very considerate... (out of the birdbath, wearing an FBI t-shirt) ...But at some point, he'd probably screw up with the time machine, and his ability to keep time traveling a secret would be compromised." (BG) "Wouldn't it be possible to change his mind, to convince him that keeping it secret is crucially important to maintaining a stable universe?" (KS) "I'd say it is. It's highly unlikely, but nothing's really set in stone." (CW) "That's good to know... What about Matt? Does the FBI need any travel agents or electronics experts?" (KS) "Not at the moment... The government's financially constricted as it is, and the future doesn't look to hot, either." (CW) "Oh yeah... I forgot about the future of the economy. [pause] INTENTIONALLY, I might add." (MG, off-screen, on the phone with Cassie) "So what's the lowdown?" (CW) "First of all... Is Allen out of earshot?" (MG) "Yeah, he's in the other room playing 'Halo'." (CW) "Okay... So, in a few months you'll be on board with the 'Circuitland' chain in their repairs department. (off-screen, now with Matt on the phone) Nicki managed to obtain the exact date you applied for the job, which will be May 17th. So I guess just sit tight until then. No use screwing up a future career path." (MG) "Cool... That'll save me a lot of running around, filling out forms and clicking through those stupid online 'personality quizzes'." (CW) "And in the meantime I'll be your personal 'unemployment insurance', sneaking funds into your account." (MG) "Thanks a lot, Cassie... I wish I could do something in return!" (CW) "No need. All I ask is to just keep it on the down low. According to Agent Scott, Allen can't be trusted with the time travel secret just yet." (MG) "That sucks..." (AJ, coming in from the other room) "What sucks?" (MG) "Uhhh... That none of the 'Best Buy's' are hiring." [The Dallas skyline at night, from a hill overlooking downtown] (AJ) "Great view, huh?" (CW, pensively) "Yeah... Looks cool." [Allen has his arm around Cassie, who is sitting with her arms around her knees we've seen that pose before] (AJ) "You sound like you're a little out of it. Something troubling ya, Cassie?" (CW) "No... Well, I dunno. Ever feel like you have some deep, strange secret that you'd like to unload, but lots of people would be hurt if you told it? But if you didn't let the secret out, no one gets harmed, now or ever?" (AJ) "Whoa... That came out of nowhere." (CW) "-Sigh- I'm sorry. I didn't mean to ruin the moment." (AJ) "You didn't ruin anything, babe. (both look back at the skyline, two shadows in the night) Look, if there's some secret you have that you're uncomfortable about fessing up to, you don't have to say anything to me." (CW) "Thanks, sweetie... I'm glad you understand." (AJ) "Hey, I've overstepped enough boundaries already. I don't wanna make any more mistakes like that. (turning to hug her) Besides, you're such a smart and lovely woman. I can't imagine YOU having something twisted to hide." (CW, looking down and away) "Yeah... That would be crazy." [Dallas freeway, somewhere in the Metroplex; Cassie has the top down on her Miata and is listening to "Stone Cold"

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by Rainbow] (DJ, on XM Radio 39) That was "Stone Cold" by Rainbow from 1982... This is Scuzz here with you on a nice Monday afternoon... You know what, I'm gonna turn right around and play another Rainbow song... That's right... It's a DOUBLE RAINBOW ALL THE WAY! What does it MEAN?!?! ...Iiiit means I'm a douche. This is "Hair Nation". [Cassie rolls her eyes as the radio plays "Man On The Silver Mountain"] (BG, seeing Cassie is downing some Cadbury Crme Eggs) "Getting to those a bit early, aren't ya?" (CW, seated and unwrapping one) "Can you blame me? These 'crme eggs' are heaven on earth! (thinking) At least I'm not eating a bunch of 'em like cereal... Like that Robin chick from the 'Shortpacked' Comic!" (BG, who doesn't read Dave Willis' webcomic) "Like... Cereal?" (CW) "Yup! She dumped a dozen or so 'crme eggs' into a bowl, poured milk on them, took a bite... All of a sudden, she's elected to congress or brokered world peace!" (BG) "That was a fictional storyline, you know..." [Obviously, she's not aware of the irony of this statement] (CW) "Well, yeah... (taking a bite) Still, it's fun to imagine that a wonderful candy like this could cause time to go lightning-fast in the right conditions!" (BG) "It goes lightning-fast to my hips, that's for sure..." CASSIE'S BUCKET LIST "#14 Explore Antarctica... especially the nightlife." [2116; The signs: "Welcome to ANTARCTICA MALL The First And Largest City On The Continent"; "Book you vacation suite NOW for the Winter Olympics! Antarcticavacations.com.aq"; Cassie's holding a bag from LIAM'S the same store where she bought her ANED's, and a bag from SURI; "Ellismania Sporting Goods";] "If Historical Figures Did Television Commercials" [Guest Strip from Kelly Ferdinando of "Rule of Three"] (Voiceover) Meet Napoleon. He's feeling frustrated over his nickname, "The Little Corporal". He's lacking the confidence to stand tall and thrust boldly into battle! Fortunately, his trusted assistant, Louis, told him about Enzight, the pill for natural male enhancement! Now Napoleon is feeling larger than life, and now has that extra spring in his step, plus the selling confidence needed for him to take over the world. Even Josephine has seen a sizeable change in her husband! ["ENZIGHT Natural Male Enhancement" (See your local apothecary for details.)] [1796] (MG, on a wintry day in the English countryside) "Are you comfortable now, m'lady?" (English Lady, wearing MG's overcoat) "I'm still a tad chilly..." (MG, handing her... a BONG?) "Well, breathe on this for a few minutes, that'll warm you up!" (EL, taking a "hit") "Cough- Oh my, what is IN this?" (MG) "Only the finest cannabis from the states! Fortunately it's not outlawed... yet." (EL, dropping the bong) "Good heavens! I do hope nobody sees me like this!" (MG) "Well, let me introduce you to my lady friend, at least... She excels in keeping secrets!" (CW, seeing Matt and the lady, already suspecting something and already angry) "GOOD LORD, Matt... What have you done NOW???" (MG) "Check it out, Cass... STONED COLD JANE AUSTEN!" (Jane Austen, who is oblivious to the joke) "WOOP!" [NanoCon 2011, and this time there's a problem] (Wanda, to Gordo and Cassie) "That lady from Minutia is leeching off our traffic again." (CW) "She's got some nerve! (goes over to the blonde bimbette) Hey, missy... take your Minutia crap somewhere else!" (Blonde, wearing a very low-cut "Minutia" camisole) "This isn't part of your territory, bitch... I have every right to be here!" (CW) "Ugh... Is there anything we can do about that ^+???" (Gordo) "I think I can help... Give me just a few minutes on the scanning microscope..." [Gordo is playing around with

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the 'scope behind Cassie, as the readout display now says "SKANK " and is pointed right at the bimbo!] [BONUS: it's 420, so the back of the t-shirt on the guy in the last panel has... well, you know.] [Faire Enough] [Cassie, in her RenFaire attire, greeting Maggie at the front door] (MHO) "Hey, Cassie! You ready?" (CW) "Sure am, Mags! Scarborough's gonna be super FUN this year!" [And the reason why is waiting outside with Rodney... JOAN!] (RO, in a dashing cavalier hat) "We're supposed to meet Philip over there, right?" (CW) "Yep... He said he'd be there around noon." (JA) "How exciting... I feel like I'm going home again!" (MHO) "I felt the same way the first year I did the 'Ren-Fest' too! You'll love it... All the comforts of our old homes, with plenty of modern-day conveniences! Just remember to always use what they call the 'privvies' for all matters of excretement... You can't just pee anywhere like back in our days!" (JA) "I kinda figured that..." (MHO) "Well, I found out the hard way... And almost got banned for life." [Scarborough is a RenFaire located in Waxahachie, Texas, south of the Dallas Metroplex off I-35E] [Scarborough Renaissance Festival] (CW) "So what do ya think, Joan?" (JA) "It's a bit too... How you say... squeaky clean, but yes, it's very much like the villages in England!" (MHO) "I'm heading over to the Irish pub!" (JA) "Oooh... SWORDS for sale!" (RO) "Well, I dunno about you, m'lady, but I'm gonna 'ave a pint with the wife!" (CW) "I'll join you in a bit... I told Philip I'd meet him over here!" ( to herself as she watches the Ostermayers walk off) Philip didn't say what he'd be wearing. I hope I can point him out... (Executioner, with a hood and axe) "Hey, Baby! Want some HEAD?" [Three guesses who it is and first two don't count] (CW, noting that Philip's costume has him partially barechested) "Philip! That's quite a killer look you got!" (PW) "What can I say, I lead a swingin' lifestyle!" (CW, reaching up and taking off his hood) "Okay, enough of the lame jokes... I haven't seen your face in forever!" (PW, hands up in protest) "Whoa there, hon. This may turn out to be a... (Philip has a "fu-manchu" mustache AND a "soul patch") ...Shocking Revelation." (CW, surprised at the change) "I... don't know what to say..." (PW, trying the innocent smile routine) "As long as it's not 'off with his head', that's fine." (CW, off in the woods) "Is this... for Scarborough? Or is this seriously your new look?" (PW) "It's for real. I thought it was time to change the old facial getup. (stroking his chin) You don't like it?" (CW) "It's... fine, but... You didn't do this for me, did you? I don't want people changing for my sake!" (PW) "Honest! This was just me wanting a new look for myself! [pause] And... I figured it might be something you'd like..." (CW) "I KNEW IT!" (PW) "That's not the main reason I did it!!!" (CW) "But you admitted I had something to do with it!" (JA, looking on from a distance with Maggie) "-Sigh- Love seemed so much simpler back in our time." (MHO) "Sweetie... Most of us had our spouses chosen for us back in our time." (PW) "Look, can we put this $#!+ aside for now? We're in a place of merriment. Let's join your friends and have fun!" (CW) "Um... Okay, sounds good. (outside the pub) So... Everyone, this is Philip. That's Maggie, Rodney and Joan." (MHO) "Hey!" (RO) "`Sup!" (PW, recognizing) "Joan... As in Joan of Arc?" (JA, surprised) "How did you kn-" (CW, covering quickly) "Er... YES! In fact, that's her... Patron Saint!" (PW) "Cool! I always admired Joan of Arc... She was a kickass kinda gal! It sucks that she died so young, though." (JA) "Um... Yes, a pity." (PW) "Yeah... If I was living back then, I definitely would've HIT THAT!" [Cassie just got that "blank look" again...] (JA, uncertain

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as to the "lingo") "Hit... that...?" (CW, giving Philip a sidelong glance that he doesn't notice) "Uh, Philip?..." (PW) "Yeah... Warrior chicks would probably be wild in bed! I would tap tha-" (JA, raising her just-purchased sword RIGHT into Philip's face!) "HOW DARE YOU SPEAK OF ME THAT WAY, YOU BEAST!" (PW) "AAAAHH!" (CW, stepping between them) "WHOA! Easy there, JOAN ARQUETTE!" (CW, holding Joan's sword down, with Maggie's help) "Joan, CALM DOWN! He wasn't aware!" (JA) "Barbaric MONSTER!" (MHO) "Joan, dear, slaying people will get you permanently banned!" (PW, realizing he screwed up) "Iiii'd better go. Nice meeting you all." (CW, catching up to him) "Philip? I'm sorry, I should've warned you ahead of time." (PW) "I should be the one apologizing. I forget that not all women are as casual and sensible as you are." (CW, who knows flattery will get you everywhere with her anytime) "I'm pretty sure most of us do fantasize about wild sex with famous guys from the past!" (PW, holding her for a moment) "Yeah, it's not like Joan of Arc was here, right now in the flesh! [Cassie drops her arms and looks down for obvious reasons] Uh... Cassie?" (CW, internally torn, to herself) Do I tell him about Joan and my time-traveling? What if he's attracted to her after he learns the truth? What if the time-space crap unravels... This really SUCKS. (PW) "Cassie? You look like you've seen a ghost!" (CW) "Philip... I think it'd be best right now if we... Didn't see each other for a while." (PW, confused as anything) "But..." (CW, crying as she walks away) "I... I'm so sorry... (covering her eyes, crying as she nearly runs away) Sniff- (Renfaire Gentleman) "I say, m'lady, wouldst thee desire a turkey leg?" (CW, forcefully) "SHOVE IT UP THINE ARSE." (CW, appearing through a time portal onto a sandy beach... that looks awfully familiar) "Hey, there's nothing here. Are you LOST? Click this comic to get back to the main page." (MHO, consoling a sad Cassie) "I'm sorry about Philip, sweetie... He's a really good guy, maybe some time apart will improve things." (JA, still ticked but at least her sword is sheathed) "Hmph. I don't miss him." (MHO) "Joan, I know that you're offended... But people are more candid and crude in their talk these days. That's something you'll have to accept." (CW) "Yeah, Philip's definitely not as brash as how he came across today. And it's not what he said... Actually I don't think he's ready for... the truth yet. (looking at Maggie) Everything's just... really complicated right now." (MHO, looking off at Rodney, who has an ale in his hand) "I wonder if we should let Rodney in on our truth and our history. He seems real trustworthy." [Flashback to 217 "About Last Night Twenty Years Ago!"] (CW) "Uhhhh... That's kinda complicated as well." [2081; Downtown Dallas HQ of GaviNet News Headlines; today's news: "TOM WELLING DEAD AT AGE 103; Actor best known for roles in 'Smallville' 2D TV series & 'Starslip' holofilm franchise"; picture is of Welling as Memnon Vanderbeam of Kris Straub's "Starslip"] (CW) "Nice to see that a Superman actor lived to a ripe old age for once!" (Blonde Dreadlock Guy) "He died of heart failure! It's 'Superman's Curse', I tell ya!" [NSFW] CASSIE'S BUCKET LIST "#15 Go surfing with the Pacific Islanders who pioneered it." [1850; Cassie is naked-surfing with a couple of other native Islanders] [1984; London] (BG, with Cassie at a pub in SoHo) "So where... or when... do you want to go after the Smiths concert?" (CW) "Hmmm... Actually, I'd like to visit London in 2044!" (BG, wearing a "Frankie say RELAX" tshirt) "2044, eh? What goes on then?" (CW) "That's when famed artist Grae Wilcox unveils her new 'holgraph'

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invention at the MCM Comic Expo in London!" (Male Pub-goer) "What's a Holgraph?" (MG) "CRAP..." (CW) "I got this, Beth... Well, sir, I imagined this 'Comic Book of the Future'... Where a graphic novel is not just 3-D, it's fully interactive and each panel is animated. Some comics have the action leap right out at you, and some are so complex it's like you get sucked in to their strange fantasy world!" (Guy) "That sounds bloody BRILLIANT!" (CW) "Isn't it? But we're nowhere near the technological level needed to make it a reality... Still, it's fun to imagine it!" (BG, off-screen) "Was that a good idea?" (CW, also offscreen) "Don't worry! We're in 1984, how's he gonna do anything with that?" (Steve Barron, director of TMNT, Coneheads, Michael Jackson's "Billie Jean"... and...) "`Ey, this is Steve. Tell the guys in a-Ha that I've got a smashing new idea for a music video!" ["Take On Me", which premiered a year later] [1996; Battle Creek, Michigan, home of the Kellogg's Company; Cassie and Matt are presenting a Kellogg's executive with a marketing idea] (Female exec) "A cat in a 'Pop-Tart' costume? Well... I honestly don't know if that'll work as a commercial..." [The picture is a "takeoff" on Nyan-Cat] "This is it (Thiiis is it)..." [Cassie and the gang re-enact the opening credits of the first season of "One Day At A Time" ; STARRING Cassie Wells (as Ann Romano Bonnie Franklin's character); Bethany Gibson (as Julie Cooper Mackenzie Philips); Matt Gahan (as David Kane Ann's boyfriend for the first season Richard Masur); Joan Arquette (as Barbara Cooper Valerie Bertinelli); Keith Scott (as Dwayne Schneider Pat Harrington Jr.)] (CW, off-screen as the last notes of the theme song play on the YouTube video) "Wow... That came out GREAT!" (JA) "THIS is what we were running around Indianapolis for?" (MG) "Weell, there wasn't much else to do after we saw the Indy 500!" (CW) "I hope Ardra likes it. She could use some encouragement at that speed dating event tonight!" [ That last reference by Cassie is for Ardra, the webcomic] [1870; the "Old West"] (CW, looking out at two men arguing) "There's the outlaw Jesse James, already notorious for a number of fights, murders and bank robberies..." (MG, to the old-timer next to him) "Who's he arguing with?" (Old Timer) "He goes by the name of Lyle 'Chip' Chipperson..." (Jesse James) "This town ain't big enough for the both of us, RUNT!" (Chip) "Well, of course it is! Tssff- Otherwise these buildings would be the size of cigar boxes or somethin'!" (BG) 'Something tells me he won't live much longer..." (OT) "He never was the brightest lamp in the coal mine!" [In the background: "BILL TETLEY'S DRY GOODS"; TED'S GUN HANDLE EMPORIUM" both an homage to bits from "The Opie & Anthony Show"; Not sure about "Bank of Nagel Gorge", though] [A <3 To <3 Chat] (CW, logging in to World2, to herself) I wonder if Philip's gonna show up... This virtual world won't be quite the same with him not around. [World2] <PurvousTG> [Purvous Foster from the webcomic Treading Ground] Hey there Cass <HugNinjaHope> [Hope Avelina from the webcomic Alone In A Crowd] What's up Cassie!!! :) <NCDFW>Hi y'all! Has anyone seen Philip78TX around? [Cassie at her computer] <PTG> sry I haven't seen him <HNH> Nope, do you know when he last logged on? <NCDFW> Lemme check his profile [ User Profile Summary; Philip 78 TX (Photo caption: "Better Living through Methane!"); Sex: Male; Age: 33; ONLINE; Location: The Gassy Plains of West Texas; Last Login: 07-06-2011 07:23 PM; Last Known Location: Chloe-Art District 34.125.27] <NCDFW> It says he's been on for the past 30 minutes... he must be

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ignoring me :( [POINK] <P78TX> Boo [Cassie, typing with a sly grin on her face] <NCDFW> Were you trying to scare me? I don't think it worked <P78TX> Well, I admit that some elements of surprise aren't as effective in cyberspace. [Cassie is chatting with Philip via World2] <P78TX> So how've you been, Cass? <NCDFW> Alright, I guess... look, I'm sorry about Scarborough... I've been real stressed out lately and it's put me on edge sometimes. <P78TX> What's been stressing you out? You can tell me, I'm more than happy to be a shoulder to render tears on :) [ Mascus is laying next to Cassie's chair by her bare feet and he doesn't look good.] <NCDFW> Just stuff like... I had to take a pay cut at work, my lizard is a little sick, my favorite nightclub's been closed down since last March [ Tiki Coladas], and my phone & cable bills have gone way up. <P78TX> Wow... that's a lot on your plate. I wish I could help out in some way. <NCDFW> Well, I know you're not a combination veterinarian & bartender :/ [ In world, from Philip's POV] <P78TX> I know how to make a few drinks. ;) Maybe you should just take a day off and unwind. <NCDFW> I try... things have gotten so damn busy lately, though. <P78TX> If only you had a time machine to give yourself some extra time to chill out, right? [ "Trigger words"! Cassie typing] <NCDFW> Hmmm... what would YOU know about time machines? <P78TX> Well, not much. As far as I know, time travel is impossible. But wouldn't it be great to go back a few hours and relax, and then get back to work without anyone missing you? [ Back in world, from Cassie's POV] <NCDFW> That would be nice :) <P78TX> Of course, if anyone DID have a time machine, they'd have to keep it real secret... too many people messing with the timeline would %X things up for everybody! [Cassie cannot BELIEVE what she just saw typed!] <P78TX> Hello? You still there? [Cassie is chatting with Philip in World2 and just discovered he could keep a secret like, say, time travel]<P78TX> You OK, Cass? <NCDFW> yeah... that time travel stuff should never get into the public's hands, right? [In world, from Cassie's POV] <P78TX> Indeed, can you imagine a million different people trying to change the past or see the future? The ol' space-time continuum would be in shambles! [Cassie, of course, knows this because she's SEEN it] <NCDFW> I hear ya. Listen... I don't know what got into me at the renfest, but I want to make it up to you. [Cassie at her computer] <P78TX> No need, Cass. I know you're really not crazy like that. <NCDFW> Seriously, though, can we start over? I really would like to see you again. What say you come & stay over at my place this weekend or next? [Philip, who is on his laptop in bed... and NOT alone...] <P78TX> That would be great, except for one major detail... [Notice that said lady looks a LOT like Joan Arquette though it isn't her?] [Cassie and Philip are chatting on World2 and Philip just dropped a bombshell on Cass] <NCDFW> A girlfriend??? When did this happen??? <P78TX> I met her just a couple weeks after the renfest. She's a stage actress at the local community theatre. [Philip is in bed and typing on his laptop, as his GF is sleeping beside him] <NCDFW> I've been such an ass. Can't we try again before you get too serious with her? <P78TX> I'm really sorry, Cassie... I thought we were done. So I moved on. You're the one that said you didn't want a steady relationship, right? [ In world, from Philip's POV] <NCDFW> I guess you're right. This just completely SUCKS, though. <P78TX> Look, maybe Allen would be better for you. Crap, she's waking up, gotta run [POINK; scene shifts back to a common room] <HNH> Hey Cassie, you OK? <NCDFW> nlmo9nlo0jhunmyjmnhjj nnhjy ummnhjmujlk,kmni9bi9mbhnnhj [And we see WHY

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there's nothing but garbage letters on her screen...] <NCDFW>hjnkinhjyhkighhjkighkiyn [WHACK WHACK WHACK goes her forehead against her keyboard] [1695] (Annoying Orange, Salem witch edition) "Who goes there? Are you two WITCHES???" (BG) "Uh... Why are we being accosted by an orange?" (CW) "No, we're not!" (AO) "Spell 'MAYFLOWER'." (CW) "M-A-Y-F-L-O-WE-R." (AO) "See? You're casting SPELLS! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!" (BG) "I so wish I had a juicer right now..." (AO) "Who said that? Which is the witch with the wish? HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!" (CW) "We're not gonna tell you!" (AO) "Okay, then you'll BOTH BURN AT THE STAKE! (pitchforks stick up from ground level as Cass and Beth are led off) It's too bad, you two are kinda cute! Guess it'll be a Barbe-CUTIE, then! HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!" (CW) "WHAT?! NO!!!" (CW wakes up) "NO!!..." (to herself) Ugh... I gotta stop watching those "Annoying Orange" videos just before I go to bed... (CW, talking to Bethany at Starbucks) "Did you hear 'Netflix' is raising their rates again?" (BG) "Yeah... That really sucks." (CW) "At least it's not much. I can work a few extra bucks a month into our budget." (Coffee Guy, who doesn't appear to be anyone in particular, though he kinda looks like Rodney) "Meh. I don't care about those guys. I'd rather go to a video store or vending machine." (CW) "Maybe so, but if I know what I want, and the stores are out of it or don't even have it, I don't mind waiting a day or two for it to be mailed to me!" (CG) "Eh... Whatever." (CW) "Well, it seems instantaneous to me!" (BG) "That's because you can go back a couple of days to order a film, and it 'instantly' shows up in our mailbox." CASSIE'S BUCKET LIST "#15 Perform on a classic children's television show in a cartoon costume." [1969; That Fleagle (from the Banana Splits) costume can get hot under the lights, can't it, Cass?] [2004] (Stage Manager) "Hey Stefani! You did great tonight!" (Stefani... Wait, where have we heard that name before?) "Aw thanks, sweetie... You know, I just got the most interesting compliment from someone in the audience!" [Cassie's walking away, smiling] (SM) "Really?" (Stefani) "Yeah... She said that I was on the edge of glory, whatever that means!" [That would be Stefani Germanotta, aka "Lady Gaga"] [Greetings From Paratopia] (CW, in her backyard with Allen) "Phew... This heat wave is %XIN' RIDICULOUS!" (AJ) "I hear ya... I sure would love to be somewhere else right now!" (CW) "Yeah, I wouldn't mind the heat if the scenery was nicer! [standing up next to Allen] Some exotic beach like Cancun, or Ibiza, or Rio would be fantastic..." (AJ) "Trouble is, I sure as hell don't have money for exotic getaways like that!" (CW) "I'll be happy to pay for the two of us if you can get off work for a week!" (AJ) "Cassie, you know I don't want anyone to be subsidizing my life!" (CW) "Three words: Me sunbathing topless." (AJ) "Fine, you convinced me. So back to where we should go..." (KS, from the grill) "Might I make a suggestion?" (AJ) "Uh... Why is your grill talking?" (CW) "Silly boy, don't you know Agent Scott when you not see him?" (CW, talking with Agent Scott about vacation plans) "So what's your ideal vacation spot?" (KS) "One that you've never heard of... And neither has most of the world. It's a little man-made resort land called Paratopia... A joint effort between secret-service agencies from seven different countries. [showing them a brochure of Paratopia] It's not on any map. In fact, it's not even on the Earth's surface. We've built a fully underground paradise-utopia hence

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the name roughly the size of Delaware. It's a secret little enclave for those of us who have to keep a lot of secrets... Secret agents, CIA and FBI employees, civilians in the witness protection program, and others who aren't as free to travel the globe as the rest of us. And since Cassie is an auxiliary partner with my division of the FBI, she now has access to Paratopia with a guest of her choosing! Provided, of course, that said guest can also keep Paratopia secret." (AJ) "Um... Sure!" (KS, hands Allen the badges) "Good! Take these badges. When you're ready, go to the location on the back." (AJ) "Wow. I didn't know you actually partnered with the FBI. What do you do for them?" (CW, thinking) "Time... Uh, time management. And some nanotech stuff." [Exterior shot of a "non-descript office building in York, Pennsylvania"] (CW) "I must say they've disguised this well!" (Carmen Scott) "Yep... A generic-looking Federal office building on the outskirts of York, Pennsylvania. Looks like it could be for anything... (Train depot hallway, with KS, AJ and CW) ...But what it really is, is a station for the subway to Paratopia." (KS) "The area was originally a huge natural gas well owned by the government. (Downbound train) Once the gas was depleted, in 1965 a cave explorer went in and marveled at how vast and majestic the caverns were." (CS) "After determining the feasibility of putting a massive resort many miles underground, a consortium of seven nations took it over and built it up." (KS) "It's a nice little ecosystem, powered and cooled by deep ocean water. Other gas wells help with power and heat, and artificial sunlight sustains plant life." (CS) "The caverns are cool enough, but there's also stuff like rainforests, lakes, a theme park and a huge beach!" (CW, looking around after they disembark from the train) "Wow... I like it already!" (KS) "Yes, you'll find out that Paratopia is full of surprises... [They're greeted by an old guy in a multi-colored shirt] ...Starting with your host, retired director of operations D.B. Cooper!" (DBC, as Cassie is speechless) "Welcome to Paratopia, a piece of heaven under Earth!" (CW is looking at a map of Paratopia, while lying on the hotel bed) "This place is unbelievable! Hiking trails, bike courses, four different beaches, ten golf courses, an amusement park, two water parks..." (AJ) "Lots of different nightclubs and even a few casinos! Too bad we can't even take any pictures of our little getaway!" (CW) "Well, they've got a good reason to make us leave our cameras, laptops and cell phones at the station lockers!" (AJ) "I guess... So what do you want to do first?" (CW) "First I'm gonna rest for a bit... Then maybe go lay out at the beach." (AJ) "I haven't ridden a skateboard in ages, but this 'Grand Shreddin' Canyon' makes me want to get back on that old board!" (CW) "Well, don't leave just yet. I may want to ride your 'board' in a little bit." (AJ, laying back on the bed as Cassie puts her head to his chest) "Man, it's gonna be weird to be at a vacation spot with no wind, no rain, not even real days or nights!" (CW) "Yeah, I'm trying to forget that I'll be 'sunning' under a $#!+load of light bulbs!" (KS, walking up to a seated Cassie) "Enjoying your stay, Cass?" (CW) "Yes indeed! I like how the beaches vary in dress code to suit everyone's tastes!" (KS) "Yep, everything from nudist to Muslim-friendly, they got it!" (CW) "And the security around here is top-notch, I gotta hand it to 'em! You'd think with some of these witness-protection types there would be even a bit of trouble!" (KS) "Well, Cassie, Paratopia definitely owes their security's effectiveness... to YOU." (CW) "Seriously?" (KS) "You see, they used to have the usual security problems. But once you gave us the time travel logistics, we made a few limited-scope time machines for Paratopia's tactical

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response squad... So now if a major crime goes down, the TRS can go back to before it happened and then bust the offenders right at the start of the offense!" (CW) "Wow... I was responsible for a real-life 'Minority Report'." (KS) "And without having to use any submerged psychics or half-deranged movie stars!" [NSFW] (AJ, with a topless sunbathing Cassie) "It's almost perfect summer weather... Not too hot and not much humidity!" (CW, preparing to put some lotion on) "Yes... PLEASE remember to look at other things, okay?" (AJ) "So... Any cool stuff happen today?" (CW) "Agent Scott told me the nicest thing today... But it's something I can't really reveal to you." (AJ) "Another one of those confidential things, eh?" (CW) "Well, I don't know, really... I might be able to tell you now... (to herself) Let's see Agent Scott try to get to me now... I don't think his wife would appreciate him spying on me like this! (to Allen) So anyway... I got this time OOF!" (Carmen lands RIGHT on Cassie, clutching a volleyball) "Sorry 'bout that... We got a real intense game going!" (AJ) "Uh... No problem!" (CS, whispering to Cassie) "Nice try, Cassie, but I can take Scott's place in some situations... and he says Allen's not ready for the secret yet." (AJ) "You were saying?" (CW) "Sigh- Not at this time, actually." (KS, confronting Cassie on the resort's balcony) "Putting me to the test, huh? You should know better than THAT." (CW) "I'm not mad at you... I'm just frustrated at all these trust issues." (KS, as they look out over the scenery at "night") "I know what you're going through... Not precisely, since I've never had to deal with time travel in relationships... but I know that finding love is real tough in this situation." (CW) "You said that it might be possible to gain trust in people, that this space-time rupture may not happen at some point." (KS) "And I also said it's highly unlikely. It's basically a matter of something happening to Allen that would get him resolving to keep your secret... and then keeping that resolve solid." (CW, as CS enters the scene) "Something which I would have to be involve in, no doubt..." (CS) "Just don't worry about it, Cassie. You know, it is possible to spend an entire life with someone while having to keep Earth-shattering secrets from them." (KS) "That's something to take comfort in." (CW) "I guess you're right." (CS) "Now go find Allen and have some FUN already! This is no place for downers! " [KS "lowers" his lifters, pensive Cassie walks off and the Scotts watch] (KS) "Um... what you said... That was entirely hypothetical... Right?" (CS) "I'm tempted to keep you guessing just for my amusement..." [And do we have a "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" situation going on with these two?] [Upward-bound train] (CW) "Man... That was over so quickly." (AJ) "Yeah, but it was loads of fun! The skating, the gambling, the hiking, the nightclubs... (seated with Cassie, Carmen and Keith) I just wish I could've gotten some pictures of our vacation there. I know it's supposed to be a secret area... But still, it'd be nice to have a physical reminder instead of having to depend solely upon my memory!" (KS) "Well, Allen... You've been photographed all along!" (AJ) "WHAAAT?" (KS) "I'll show you once we're at the station... [The Station lobby; a wall that says SOUVENIR PHOTOS] Paratopia has micro-cameras everywhere except the hotel rooms and the nude beach... And those badges that we gave you have little RFID chips in them. All the cameras scan the badges and sort the images out automatically, and the ones you're in are collected and are made available to you in a digital storage unit of your choice." (CW, as the three pull up to the counter) "It's like those stands at the roller coaster exits selling ride photos!" (AJ) "Wow... That's crazy! ...And a little creepy." (KS) "Well, I guess they don't want you to

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miss Paratopia too much..." (AJ, looking at a photo of himself... at the Grand Canyon!) "Hey... They put in a blue sky and... Wait, that's not the Grand Canyon!" (KS) "There's a reason they modeled all the areas after famous places!" "If Historical Figures Did Television Commercials," #9: (The "Switching to Gyco" guy) "Could switching to Gyco really save you 15 percent or more on car insurance? [pause] Should you beware of Greeks bearing gifts?" [1190 BC; the gates of Troy with a wooden horse in tow] (Figure in front of the gates) "Candygram!" (MG, with Cassie in a book store) "Whoa... $350 for an old children's book?" (Shop owner, reaching up for the book in the Rare Books aisle) "That's the first English edition of Norwegian Folk Tales, published in 1879 and featuring the 'Three Billy Goats Gruff' among others..." (CW) "The Three Billy Goats Gruff? Wow... I haven't read that since I was a kid! [pause] No pun intended..." (SO) "This book holds the first illustrations of that tale, done by a team of talented artists." (CW) "Cool! Hey... Something looks way familiar... [The illustration of the bridge has a face on the edge... a Troll Face!] Oh Lord, Matt... Don't tell me YOU were one of the illustrators..." (MG, with a toothy smile) "U JELLY?" [Domo Arigato, Miss Anachrono] (CW, dressed up as a generic Anime character, with Allen) "URESHI! We made it to Anime-Fest!" (AJ) "I've never been to one of these before. I hope this is good! (wandering off) Oh $#!+... An original Fortress Maximus!" (Nicki, dressed up as Ping from MegaTokyo) "Are you sure this is a good idea?" (CW) "Nicki, it's the perfect environment for you socialize in... Besides, you do need to get out more! And disguising you as a robot girl is the perfect cover! At this place, no one will suspect a thing if you're pretending to be something you secretly are!" (ND) "So... I can truly act like a robot because I'm a robot pretending to be a robot while dressed up as a robot." (CW) "You got it! I think." (Afro Samurai fan) "YO, DAWG!" (Gundam Cosplayer) "Greetings, fellow mecha-being!" (ND) "Hello there, human. I see that you're dressed up as the original 'Mobile Suit Gundam' from 1979." (GCP) "Well, you certainly know your anime! Is this your first time here?" (ND) "Yes it is. I'm here with a couple of my friends. (GCP) "I see... So, if I'm correct, you're one of those companionship androids, right?' (ND) "Yes, but unfortunately, my private parts are inaccessible at the moment." (GCP) "Oh, GUNDAMMIT! Haha... Ah... Well, THAT went over real $#!++y." (ND) "That was so funny I forgot to access my laugh.exe file." (PW, wearing a wig as Kobayashi from Law of Ueki) "Konichiwa, Kasandora!" (CW, seated) "PHILIP?" (PW) "Well, how've you been? It's been a while, hasn't it..." (CW) "I know... I just didn't want to stir up any $#!+ between you and your girlfriend." (PW) "Yeah... About that... We broke up three weeks ago, and there's no chance of going back there." (CW) "Really? I'm sorry..." (PW) "No need for apologies. I'm done with her. In fact, Cassie... Can we talk for little bit?" (CW) "Philip, I really don't think this is the right time to..." (AJ) "WHAT THE %X?!?!" (PW) "...AAAAnd a new challenger has appeared." (AJ, MASSIVELY p-o'ed at seeing Philip) "YOU AGAIN?!" (CW) "ALLEN!" (PW) "Hey, BACK OFF, Jerkwad. I have every right to talk to Cassie!" (AJ) "No you DON'T, @$$#0|3, you had your chance with her already!" (PW) "Yeah, well, I'll wait until I hear it from her myself!" (AJ, pulling back) "You'll hear it from my FIST first!" (CW, screaming) "NO!!!" [WHAM! Right cross] (PW) "THAT... %XING... DOES IT!" (CW, panicky) "Philip, WAIT!" [NNNGGGGGG AAAAAHHH

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Full fight in process!] (Security chief, as Cassie facepalms in the background) "HEY! NO FIGHTING unless you're IN CHARACTER!" (Convention attendee, in black dress, pointing at Allen) "HE started it!" (Second convention attendee, in pink hair... yeah, I know) "Yeah, we're all witnesses!" (PW) "I was just trying to talk to a friend of mine when he stormed in and attacked." (AJ) "HE was trying to hit on my GIRLFRIEND!" (Sec. Chief) "That's no excuse for starting $#!+! Security, please escort him out of the building." (Blue shirted Security Guard) "Okay, pal, you're OUTTA HERE!" (AJ, over his shoulder at Philip) "%Xing @$$#0|3..." (CW, to Philip) "I have to go with him. Can we talk some other time?" (PW, with a bruise on his cheek, crestfallen) "I... guess so." [Watching them walk off as a random convention attendee comes up] (Con-Guy) "Whoa. This reminds me of that scene in 'Kimi Ni Todoke' where..." (PW) "SHUT UP." (JA, outside the convention area with Cassie) "They're not gonna let me back in, are they..." (CW, who is MAD as HELL) "And I wouldn't blame them! What the %X was that?!" (JA) "I'm NOT gonna let that Philip bitch get between us!" (CW) "He just wanted to TALK to me. You didn't have to be such a %Xing HOTHEAD about it!" (JA) "Hey, you said you wanted to get more serious with me! So I feel I'm obligated to keep others from hitting on you!" (CW) "Well, NEWS FLASH, dumb%X. I can handle myself with other guys, I don't need YOU butting in!" (AJ) "Well, you don't need to be talking with ex%Xbuddies! What's it gonna be, we serious or not?" (CW) "You know what? I DON'T need a time machine to know where this is headed... (turns and walks away) Go home, Allen. We're through. I'll find my own way back." (CW, back inside the con, looking for Philip) "PHILIP! PHILIP?" (ND) "I don't see him around. All I found were his glasses." (CW) "Nicki, can you scan those for his DNA and find him by radar?" (ND) "I can do that. [ They step outside the convention center, and Nicki does her thing... as Cassie looks on hopefully] I'm sorry, Cassie, but Philip is nowhere within range. He must have went back to his hotel." (CW, dejected, handing her some cash) "-SighOkay... Here, take a cab home and bring the scooter back for me." (to herself, as Nicki reappears in the background with the scooter) Philip... I hope that won't be the last I see of you. (BG) "How was the Anime-Fest?" (CW) "Oh man... What a calamity." (BG) "How so?" (CW, taking her hair down) "Well... Philip showed up, he wanted to talk to me about something, then Allen went ballistic and attacked him. Then Allen got kicked out, we got in a fight, and I broke up with him. After that I tried to get back to Philip, but he left before I could." (BG) "DAYYYUMMMN." (CW) "I know... Anyway, I thought about jumping back to just before Philip left so I could make it up to him... But most likely I'd have to tell him about the time-traveling. And I'm not quite ready to do that just yet." (MG) "Ya know, this would probably make a good story for a manga series." (CW, eyes rolling) "Oh please... It's not even worthy of a half-@$$ed COMIC STRIP!" [NSFW] (CW, laying naked on her bed, looking at her iPhone, to herself) Okay... It's 7;25... I'll just lay here for half an hour and get back to this point... [Time portal opens] (Future CW, in a half-tank top) "So, Cassie, are you ready for your full body massage?" (CW) "Of course I am!" (FCW) "Let's hope this works!" (CW, relaxing as FCW gives her a massage) "MMMMMMM... AHHHHH... (then suddenly) YEEOOWW!! (to "herself") I think... we twisted a muscle." (FCW, holding her side) "OUUCH...

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Now I'm feeling it! I guess I don't know my own body as well as I thought..." [Shout-out to blueversusred.com] [Texas Lottery Claim Center] (TX Lottery Agent) "You look like you just won big!" (CW, handing him the claim ticket) "Ohhh, you could say that!" (TXLA) "Well, let's take a look at that ticket! ...And here you go! Congratulations!" (CW) "Woohoo! Thank you SO MUCH, sweetie!" [outside the claim center... and a mailbox suddenly talks to Cassie] (KS) "Big day at the lotto, huh?" (CW) "Yeah... Our A/C unit died, and you know those things cost thousands to replace." (KS, peeking through the mail slot) "You know, you can get the winning numbers in advance only so many times before people start getting suspicious." (CW) "Why do you think I only pick five out of six? I stay under the radar that way!" [Burning Desire] (CW) "I wonder what happened to Philip. It's been a month since I last saw him." (BG) "He's probably moved on to another girl now... Maybe it's just time to let it go." (CW) "Philip seemed like he wanted to get back with me, but I had to tend to Allen after he got kicked out... I just don't want Philip to get the wrong message." (BG, having a seat on the couch) "Then you might as well seek him out so he can hear you out." (CW, about to sit down as Beth turns on the TV) "Yeah, maybe I'll do it this coming weekend..." (TV Announcer) "...The White House is denying any wrongdoing in regards to the issue. [Graphic: TRAGIC EXPLOSION] A Lubbock man is dead after a massive gas pipeline explosion shook the small town of Tahoka. 33-year-old Philip Webber was in the middle of warning nearby residents of the gas leak, urging them to evacuate. [Cassie looks and listens in disbelief] The tragic explosion was caused by a raging wildfire reaching a weakened section of pipeline..." [Dun-dun-DUNNNNNN...] (CW, collapsed over the back of the sofa, sobbing) "NOOOO!!! NOT PHILIP!!! WHYYYY..." (BG) "CASSIE! CALM DOWN! You've got a TIME MACHINE, remember?" (CW, tears still falling) "-SniffYou're right... But... Is this supposed to happen? I was just beginning to think that Philip and I were meant to be together..." (BG) "Maybe you were meant to save him all along? You never know..." (CW) "But would that leave my future and my future descendants INTACT?" [doorbell rings in background] (BG) "Why don't you go lay down and think it over, I'll get the door..." (KS, back in his doggy outfit) "I think I need to speak with her." (BG, extremely angry) "If you try to stop her, SO %XING HELP ME, and I DON'T GIVE A $#!+ IF I'M TAKEN DOWN..." (KS, entering Cassie's room) "Cassie..." (CW, mad as hell) "You've got SOME NERVE, Agent Scott. I'm in NO MOOD for you." (KS) "Look... Just hear me out. I know you've got the power to change this outcome. Im NOT gonna stop you. (shows her the article on Philip from the "Universal Press" on his iPhone) Webber honored as a hero who paid the ultimate price
By Erin Wilson, United Press LUBBOCK, Texas Gary Terrell would have been dead if it wasn't for the brave actions of Philip Webber, the Southern Gas worker who warned the residents near a leaking natural gas pipeline to evacuate their neighborhoods. Webber died in the ensuing blast that incinerated three squad...

(KS, continuing) "On the other hand, he may very well be the one. You can rescue him... But you may have to deal with the consequences." (CW, considering) "All those people..." (KS) "Like I said, I won't get in the way. The decision... [pause] ...is Yours." [Cassie looks down for a moment, then cut scene: the taillights of a certain blue Mazda Miata, as we see a sign that says "Lubbock 216, Amarillo 231". Guess what she chose to do...]

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[2011; just minutes before the explosion] (PW, outside his truck, into a walkie-talkie as the smoke is building behind him) "Webber to Base Five, we got a CODE RED. I can't pinpoint the leak yet, but the fires are spreading and everyone MUST evacuate..." (CW, off-screen) "PHILIP!!!" (PW, incredibly surprise to see her running towards him) "CASSIE?! What the HELL are you doing here? This is a VERY DANGEROUS AREA right now!!! (CW, running up to him) "I know, Philip, but believe me, the leak is nearby and we are in grave danger! I can get us out of here, but you'll have to trust me! We don't have that much time!" (PW) "I CAN'T just leave. I still have to warn everybody NEAR THIS AREA!" (CW) "NO NEED! I got that TAKEN CARE OF!" (PW) "Huh???" (ND, driving around in CW's Miata and using her built-in "loudspeaker") "WARNING! THERE IS A RUPTURED GAS LINE IN THE AREA! EVERYONE MUST EVACUATE IMMEDIATELY!!!" (CW, quickly tapping on her time machine) "Thirty minutes should do it..." (PW, still incredulous) "What are you doing?! You gotta get outta here!!!" (CW) "Okay, see that ring? RUN THROUGH IT!" (PW) "Are you OUT OF YOUR MIND?! (The wildfire is advancing in the background, and we see a little "puff" of natural gas rising from a hole in an exposed section of the pipeline) I don't know what that is, but it could set off an explosion and make things a whole lot WORSE!" (CW, tugging him for all she's worth into the time portal) "PHILIP, FOR %X'S SAKE..." (PW) "LET GO OF M"

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[BOOM]
468 [2011; thirty minutes after the explosion; the ground is charred from the explosion; the flame from the explosion shoots through the time window just before it closes throwing two figures through it] (CW, landing face-first on the ground, a little singed and the time machine still open ) "UNFFF!!! (pausing as she "comes to") "Ohhhh... Where's Ph-Phi... (sits up, seeing him laying a few yards away from her) PHILIP??? (runs over to him) PHILIP! SPEAK TO ME!!! (he's got marks all over him, as does Cassie; she tries to slap him awake) WAKE UP!!! (leaning over him, sobbing over his unconscious body, thinking she's lost him again) Please... Philip... Don't leave me..." [2011; thirty-plus-a-bit minutes after the explosion; Cassie leaning over Philip, sobbing over his unconscious body, thinking she's lost him again; and then... movement!] (PW) "Uhhhh..." (CW) "PHILIP!!!" (PW, very woozy) "Wh.. what happened?..." (CW, crying still, but with a smile) "There was a huge blast, but I... got you away from it. I'll explain later." [The flames from the wildfire are still going in the background] (PW) "I... don't know if I'm gonna make it..." (CW) "You're gonna be okay! Look, help is coming right now!" (ND, in a Medivac 'copter) "THERE THEY ARE!" [close-up of the pair] (PW) "Well, if something... happens, I just want to tell you this... (CW, still crying and smiling) "Okay..." (PW, reaching up, touching her cheek with the back of his hand) "...I love you, Cassie." (CW, leaning down and kissing him) "I love you, Philip." [Great way to celebrate four years of time travel, right? [Exterior, Lubbock Regional Medical Center] (CW, wrapping up her explanation of time travel) "...And that's how it all works." (PW) "Wow... That is mind-blowing." (CW, none the worse for wear, in Philip's hospital room with KS; she is holding Philip's hand and a little afraid about what she's got to do next) "Now... Remember what you said a few months ago in cyberspace about time travel? I can trust you to keep this TOP SECRET, right?" (PW, with bandages on his head and arm) "ABSOLUTELY. I promise. (Cassie looks at Agent Scott, as he looks out the

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window, and checks his iPhone; Philip's a bit confused) "Umm..." (CW, to KS) "Nothing?" (KS) "We're good. Looks like he checks out!" (PW, weakly pointing at KS) "So... Is he supposed to be the 'Al' or 'Ziggy' of this operation?" (KS) "Not exactly, but the important thing is, you're 'in the circle' now... Joining only a select few." (PW) "Okay... So what comes next?" (KS) "We'll hook you up with some cloned-skin regeneration." (CW) "With a doctor voted the Metroplex's best cosmetic surgeon of 2045!" [Halloween Party! Everyone's back to normal well, as much as you CAN be, that is...] (CW, dressed up as Nyancat) "I gotta say I'm loving this 'Meme theme' for Maggie's Halloween party!" (PW, as Scumbag Steve) "Yeah, and with this getup I get to treat everyone like CRAP!" (CW) "Well, you don't have to, 'Scumbag Philip'..." [In the background, Carmen is My Little Pony Friendship Is Magic; Joan as Philosoraptor] (BG, as Joseph Ducreux) "Spectacular visage concealment, Mags!" (MHO, as Me Gusta) "Tonight, call me 'Mag-gusta'." (CW) "Hi, Rodney... Still upset over Texas-OU weekend, huh?" (RO, as FFFFFFUUUUU guy) "Har dee har har, bitch." [OU defeated UT 55-17 in 2011, by the way; ] (CW) "Matt! You look great! Did Allen come with you?" (MG, as Fry from Futurama) "Nope... He said he had a date and was taking her to another party." (PW) "No specifics, eh?" (MG) "Not sure if he really has a date... or just trying to avoid y'all." [2003; Baja Fresh Caf, Sunset and Vine in Hollywood; Cassie is talking to the lead singer of Nerf Herder, Parry Gripp while Matt is feeding his face] (PG) "...And that's where I'm at right now. Nerf Herder's pretty much done, and I'm not sure which career direction I wanna go in next." (CW) "You know, Parry... I think you'd be great at making children's songs!" (MG, unwittingly helping) "Mmm... This is the BEST burrito I've ever eaten!" CASSIE'S BUCKET LIST "#17 Become the first to serve apple pie in America" [1612; Cassie is sharing her apple pie with the Pilgrims] (Pilgrim) "`Tis quite a delectable concoction you have given us, Miss Cassandra!" (CW) "Thank you, Sir! The filling came from an old Dutch recipe... But it's the first time I used it with pastry bread and a round pan!" [No dialogue; Cassie is visiting the gravesite of Bil Keane, creator of "Family Circus"... in a "Jeffy" sort of way complete with a "dotted line" heart] [Bil Keane, 19222011] [Storage War Is Hell] (PW, entering as Cassie is seated on the couch watching TV) "What're you watchin'?" (CW) "It's called 'Storage Wars'. It's a reality show about abandoned storage units being auctioned off to people who try to make a profit off the stuff inside. And they follow four different people trying to do just that... Pretty intriguing if you ask me!" [Auction going on in the background; the bidding just went up to $400, with Dave "The Mogul" Hester as the high bidder] (Darrell Sheets, San Diego Kobey's Swap Meet) "I know Dave's tryin' to run up the price on this one... But I'm bitin' and not lettin' go!" (PW, seeing the "A&E" logo in the corner) "Wait... This is the A&E Network???" (CW) "Yep... Seems out of place right? Remember when the A&E Network was all about opera, Mozart, Broadway and stuff like that?" (PW) "Heh... You couldn't possibly get a show like this on the A&E of old!" (CW, who's crawled up into his lap) "I know... I asked an A&E exec in 1984 about maybe putting a storage-unit show on there, and he laughed in my face!" [The TV in Philip's hotel room is tuned to Storage Wars] (Jarrod Schulz, co-owner of the Now And Then Second Hand Store with wife Brandi Passante, are looking over the unit they managed to win in auction) "This unit was a

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major bust, man. We're gonna pay big time for this." (PW, off-screen) "Crap... Almost makes you want to help them out." (CW, talking to him as they're in bed together) "Well, we could get some 'old' antiques and have some fun with the 'Storage Wars' people." (PW) "When do you wanna do that?" (CW) "Let's leave tomorrow morning! Do a little road trip to California!" (PW) "I can't do it tomorrow, I've got an important meeting!" (CW) "Hey dumb@$$, remember who you're in bed with? We could go two weeks in LA, and when we get back, I'll put you right back in this point in time! You won't miss a single day of work!" (PW) "Oh, that's right... You can give yourself unlimited vacation time with your time machine, huh?" (CW) "Yep... Do it all the time! In fact, you can call my home number right now and I'll pick up!" [1950; a soda fountain in Southern California] (Manager) "Yep, since we got the new machine no one ever plays this one anymore... I'll give it to you for thirty bucks." (CW) "It's a deal!" (PW, seeing Cassie walk through the time portal; his truck is already loaded with stuff) "Oooh... Nice! A vintage pinball machine!" (CW) "In pretty good shape, too! (inside the truck with Philip) Now all we gotta do is watch the show on your iPad and find out where they've been, so we can go back and 'spruce up' their storage units!" (PW) "I'd say we got ourselves a pretty good haul, between the Esso gas pump and the Cushman scooters... But did we have to get that cigar tin? That was a pretty dangerous situation!" (CW) "Hey, Bonnie and Clyde were gonna get killed in a few more days, anyway!" (PW, driving along the Santa Monica freeway with Cassie & "the goods") "Where's the location for that one we just watched?" (CW) "It's at 'Rose Bowl Self Storage' in Pasadena, taped November 5th, 2010. (consulting Philip's iPad once they are there) Dave won big, Darrell got second, Jarrod didn't get anything and Barry lost over a thousand on his unit." (PW) "I think Barry would appreciate a piece of history in his stash!" (CW) "I agree... So here's what we do... First, we'll scope out the exact location of the storage unit... [1838] ...Next, we go back to before the unit was built... (the open plains of what would eventually become Pasadena) ...Now we open a time window to inside the unit just before it's auctioned off and leave our little gift! (tosses in the Bonnie Parker cigar box) Now let's watch the results..." (Barry Weiss) "Ugh... So much junk to go through, just to get to what I saw in this one... (tosses aside the cigar box) ...Some old beat-up cigar holder..." (CW, irate) "WHAT THE %X, BARRY?! THAT'S BONNIE PARKER'S!" (PW) "Well, you gotta admit the historical significance is NOT that evident..." [2010; the A&E cameras are rolling as Dan and Laura Dotson are in the middle of another auction that Barry isn't bidding on, as he's clearing out the junk from the locker he purchased; Cassie passes by in the background] (CW, to Barry) "Hey there! Are you gonna throw all this stuff away?" (BW, holding a box) "Yeah, if you want anything you can have it. NONE of that junk interests me!" (CW, holding the cigar box in hand) "Did you see anything you like?" (PW) "Nope... Not even anything I could use in cosplay... But I guess you're gonna replant that cigar tin, huh?" (CW) "Yeah, maybe Darrell can see the value in it... Which one did he get?" (KS, in that lawn mower again) "I wouldn't do that if I were you!" (CW, surprised) "Agent SCOTT???" (PW, confused) "Wait... A storage unit auction show brings about the tearing of the space-time continuum?" [2010; Rose Bowl Self Storage in Pasadena, California] (KS, emerging from his lawn mower "disguise") "Yeah... Putting that Bonnie & Clyde cigar tin in another storage unit would be a really bad idea. (CW) "Why... Do I lose the

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time machine?" (PW) "Does Brandi seduce me and in the heat of passion I tell her the time-travel secret?" (CW) "Oh, you wish... Do the TV cameras or security cameras catch me in a time window?" (KS) "Well, no... It's just that some guy with a popular blog notices the same cigar tin showing up in two different storage units. He then accuses the A&E Network of rigging the show, and that ultimately leads to its getting cancelled after two seasons." (PW, incredulous; CW is speechless) "...That's it? No... cataclysmic timespace collapse?" (KS) "Nope. I just love the show! Barry KICKS @$$!" [Rose Bowl Self Storage, Pasadena; the pair have just returned from another "plant" from the same episode] (PW) "Okay, so the old gas pump is now in Darrell's unit, let's see what happens with it..." (Dave Hester, Newport Consignment Gallery, using a flashlight to peek into the locker) "There's maybe some valuable stuff here... Wait a minute... (seeing the pump in the back of the unit) That looks like an antique gas pump in perfect shape... this one's DEFINITELY mine!" (PW) "...And now it's Dave's locker!' (CW) "Crap... I knew I should've hidden that thing better! (turning and flipping open the time machine) Well, I've got something else up my sleeve..." [FZZZT FZZZT] (PW) "So did you do something with the gas pump?" (CW) "No, but I did leave something else in that storage unit..." (DH, on the iPad) "What's in this drawer... Aw -BEEEPit's a dead skunk!" (CW, the smell already wafting from her) "Yyyyeah... I'm so gonna need a shower after that." (PW, holding his nose) "You dink?" [Rose Bowl Self Storage, Pasadena] (PW) "So where does this leave everyone's units now?" (CW) "Since Dave got the first locker, the other two of his were split between Jarrod and Darrell. Barry still has a money-loser." (PW) "Hmmm... You think Barry would like the pinball game?" (CW) "That'll work... Throw in a bunch of these while you're at it!" (PW, looking at the packets) "Whoa... Vintage Comics!" (CW) "Yep! Mint condition 'Action Comics', 'Fantastic Four' and 'Spider-Man' number ones!" (PW) "These are worth a FORTUNE! Where did you get them?" (CW) "Well, back in the sixties it wasn't hard to find a parent throwing out their kids' comic book collections!" [Episode recap, via PW's iPad] (Announcer) "In Pasadena, everything came up roses for the buyers. Darrell Sheets bowled over the competition with a total of over $4,000. Jarrod and Brandi turned a bunch of classic film trailers into a box office take of $2,500. Dave Hester was far from smelling like a rose, but wound up with $2,000 thanks in part to an old gas pump. And Barry Weiss took some old comic books and a vintage pinball machine and collected a $950 bonus." [Scorecard says Darrell copped $4200 from the episode] [The Now And Then Second Hand Store] (Jarrod) "Hi, can I help you find anything?" (PW) "Hey Jarrod! I saw where you scored those trailer reels for big bucks!" (JS) "Oh yeah! Was that an awesome find or what?" (Brandi) "They had 'Star Wars', 'Jaws', 'E.T.' and 'Raiders of the Lost Ark'... All in Mint Condition!" (JS) "Whoever got those was either a theater worker, had special connections or just went through a lot of trouble to get them!" (CW, her eye roll evident) "Yeah, that sounds just about right..." [1977 and you know what that means...] (CW, playing the seductress) "You don't need those 'Star Wars' trailers anymore, doooo yooou?" (Bud, from 1977: The Comic) "Um... Well... Ah..." (PW, entering as Cassie is watching TV on the couch) "Wait... Is this 'Storage Wars'?" (CW, listening to "Money owwwns this town.." coming over the TV) "This is their new Texas edition, with a whole new set of people going to storage places around the Metroplex!" (PW) "It's

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definitely... Different!" (CW) "Yeah, I see a bunch of room for improvement... But I'll give it a few more episodes!" (PW) "We oughta drop by there and join in on some of the action!" (CW) "Yeah that... (interrupted by her phone ringing... "Dog Days Are Over" by English indie pop band Florence + The Machine) It's Matt... (answering) What's up?" (MG, frantic) "CASSIE! Thank GOD! I just saw my stuff being sold on that Storage War show! I completely forgot about that locker, you gotta help me!" (CW, coyly) "What, and mess up a perfectly good episode?" [Cassie is taking out the trash; she gets to her garbage cans and is greeted by... herself from Christmas Eve!] (Future CW) "Yeah... That Christmas Eve gathering next week, with your whole family over? It gave us more trash than what will fit in this thing." (CW) "Wow... I hope that also means I get a lot of stuff this year." (FCW, opening the time machine) "No fair peeking!" [1950; a Bing Crosby Christmas concert!] (Bing Crosby) "This next number is a brand new tune for the holidays... It's called 'Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer'... (Singing) You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen... Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen... But do you recall... The most famous Reindeer of all... Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer... Had a very shiny noooose..." (offstage voice guess who?) "LIKE A LIGHT BULB!" (BC, annoyed) "And if you ever saw it... You would even say it glooows..." (MG) "LIKE A LIGHT BULB!" (BC, stopping the music) "Ushers, please remove that guy! I'm sorry, folks. Once he's gone I'll start over." (CW, to the lady seated next to her) "I don't know him." (MG, as he's being dragged out by two big ushers) "Hey! What're you doing?! This is how we've ALWAYS sung it!" [Merry Christmas!] CASSIE'S BUCKET LIST "#18) Meet the real St. Nicholas." [335; Lycia, Turkey] (Nikolaos of Myra) "So... Because of my good will and generosity towards the poor... You're saying I may be immortalized as a jovial elder man, dressed all in bright red, delivering gifts to children around the world?" (CW, in Grecian attire) "Yes indeed! And you get all this done in one night with the help of a flying chariot and eight reindeer. Crazy, huh?" [1969; The outside of a Carvel Ice Cream shop in the New York City area; Lloyd Morrisett, co-creator of a certain children's television show, is across the street, talking to a bearded gentleman who has a remarkable resemblance to one Jim Henson] (Lloyd Morrisett) "Okay, so we got Grace Slick doing one of the counting series... What about a gimmick for another one?" (Jim Henson) "I... don't have any ideas..." (MG, in the background, bringing out some sundaes for Cassie, who is seated at a table outside the Shoppe) "Here we are... two hot fudge sundaes! (trips on... a banana peel!) YIIIEEE!!!" [THUD] (LM, looking over at Matt) "Hmmm... A clumsy chef tripping and spilling his desserts all over the place... Would that work?" (JH) "Maybe if he sang his lines..." (MG, with the banana peel and hot fudge sundae all over him, as Cassie facepalms) "Aw crap... My new Nehru jacket!!!" [2012 begins] [Archaic Verse A Little Different Than The First] [1544; England, where two singers are doing a "slightly altered" version of a rather famous song as a certain monarch is listening on...] (Singer) "Iiii'm Henry the Eighth I am, Henry the Eighth I am I am, Iiii got married to the widow next door, She's been wed a couple times be-fore, and one of them was an 'En-uh-ry..." (Drummer) "`En-uh-ry!" (PW, looking on with Cassie) "Hmmm... That's not how I remember the lyrics!" (CW) "Well, it was either conform to historical accuracy or bid farewell to thy head!"

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[BG walking towards the break room, gets a bottle of something, walks back to her desk...] (CW, in a side room with a TARDIS and a confused Doctor Who?) "Oh, wait, I think I hooked it up wrong. Here, try starting it up again..." [BG continues walking and then Sudden-realization time!] [Meet The Wellses] [Heading home to Tyler with Philip] (CW) "So... ready to meet my family?" (PW) "Yeah. Though I am a little nervous." (CW) "Oh, don't be. Mom and dad are wonderful people! Just keep in mind... Mom's a Christian Conservative type and Dad's more laid back and open minded. Patrick's kinda like Dad, plus he's an army vet." (PW) "Well, it's nice that your brother and his girlfriend are gonna be there to help you celebrate your birthday!" (CW) "Yeah... yeesh... I'm gonna be 30 next week. I don't think I'm ready." (PW) "Hey, it's no big deal... I did that four years ago and I had no problems with it! Besides... For all intents and purposes, you probably turned 30 already not too long ago!" (CW) "You're right. I should've put something on my time machine to keep track of all the 'overlapping'!" (CW, home once again in Tyler) "DADDY!" (Dad) "Hey, Sweetie Pie! How's the big city treatin' ya?" (CW) "Just great! This is my boyfriend Philip..." (PW) "Nice to meet you, Mister Wells!" (Dad) "Oh, just call me Bobby! Make yourself at home... This here's Carla, my wife!" (Mom) "Hello, Philip! We've heard so much about you!" (CW) All good stuff, I promise!" (Dad) "So, what do you do for a living?" (PW) "I'm a field engineer for a natural gas company in west Texas." (Dad) "Cool. Well, I'm sure you know about Cassie's line of high-end scientific work. But I think she'd do better as a financial expert! I'll have to tell you the story of how she saved our family from losing a fortune back in 2008..." (CW) "Oh Lord... here we go again..." [The family photo from strip 69? Still there. And intact.] (CW, whispering to Philip) "By the way, keep in mind that NOBODY in my family knows about my time-travel secret." (PW) "I guess that would be for the better!" (PatW) "Hey Cassie! This is my girlfriend Geri..." (PW) "Hi Geri, Patrick! I'm Philip!" (GS) "Pleased to meet you two!" (CW) "Hello, Geri! So how did you two meet?" (PatW) "Well, you remember Jake Holland, the head of the 'Gary's Guys' Charity? His wife's friend Jasmine showed up at a fundraiser with Geri, her daughter, and we hit it off instantly." (CW, suddenly remembering her first meeting with Gary way back in 362) "REALLLLY..." (GS) "Yeah, I told him it was a miracle that he met me. My mom said I wouldn't even be here today if she wasn't talked out of committing suicide after her boyfriend died in Vietnam!" (PatW) "Yep, Geri can be honest to the point of bluntness, but that's one reason why I love her!" (CW) "...And there's one of those moments where I wish I could tell my brother the truth." (PW) "I take it you had something to do with her mother?" (Mom, dealing with the sleeping arrangements) "So, Cassie, you can go stay in your old room. Patrick, you don't mind taking the couch so Geri can have your bed, do you?" (PatW, who probably knows what's coming) "That's fine..." (Mom) "Which leaves Philip. Well... I think we still got that old air mattress. Bobby, can you look in the attic?" (PW) "Look, you don't have to go through all that trouble, I'll just book a hotel room." (CW) "Yeah, Geri can have my bed and Patrick can have his. I'll just stay with Philip." (Mom) "Oh, you will do no such thing! You don't need to be sleeping in his room where he can tempt you!" (CW) "TEMPT me?" (Mom) "YES! You have been... um... deflowered that one time, but that's NO excuse to not keep saving yourself for marriage!" (CW) "ONE time? Mother,

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you seriously believe I haven't had sex since THEN?" (PW, to Dad) "This... isn't good." (Dad, aside to PW) "Brace yourself, son. Tornado's about to hit." (Mom) "WHAT have you been up to, young lady???" (CW) "THAT is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, Mom! I'm sorry if I'm not living the perfect little wholesome lifestyle that you're expecting, but it's still MY LIFE!" (Mom) "I don't know what's worse. The fact that you're living so sinfully or that you're so SHAMELESS about it!" (CW) "Well I don't care, I'm staying with Philip! We may even SLEEP IN THE SAME BED! So DEAL WITH IT!" (Mom) "I oughta SLAP YOU SILLY..." (Dad, angrily stepping between the two) "THAT'S ENOUGH OUTTA YOU TWO! (turning to his wife) This is supposed to be a happy occasion, not some freakin' morality wrestling match! You two need to just BACK OFF and COOL DOWN a bit! (turning to Cassie) Besides, all that rage and stress isn't doing your mother any good, what with her cancer and all!" (CW) "CANCER?!" (Dad, realizing his mistake) "Aw Crap..." (Mom) "Bobby, I told you not to bring that up until after her birthday!" [Meanwhile, PatW is open-mouthed and stunned!] (PatW) "So what are the details?" (Dad) "A few days ago Carla fell down and thought she'd broken her hip. When we took the X-rays, her hip was fine, but they noticed an unusual growth nearby." (Mom) "Fearing the worst, the doctor did a biopsy... and I found out just yesterday that it was ovarian cancer. I then did a complete cancer screening, and they didn't find any signs of spreading, so hopefully we caught it early." (Dad) "She goes in for a hysterectomy on Monday, and she'll get on chemotherapy after that." (CW, hugging her mom) "Oh mother... How terrible.." (Mom) "Don't worry about me, we got a pretty good chance of beating this. Just hope and pray for the best." (Dad) "We managed to survive that real stressful incident with Allen, we can get through this too!" (PW) "Wasn't that the same Allen that you were just dat..." (CW, interrupting him too late) "SSHHHH!" (Mom) "WHAT?..." [This even catches Dad off guard] (CW) "What the %X do I do NOW?! Mom's gone ballistic, Patrick's stunned... and a HELL of a first impression for Geri! I don't know if I can go back in there..." (PW) "I said I was SORRY!" (CW) "Philip... Maybe it's best that you just... go back home. I'll get Nicki to drive..." (Dad, off screen) "NOBODY'S goin' NOWHERE." (talking to them both) "Look. I get it. You're both adults now, Allen's only five years older than you. Which of course back in high school would be scandalous. I'm over it. And if I know your mother, she'll get over it in a couple days. (to Philip) Philip, I think you're an awesome guy. You and Cassie make a pretty good couple. I wish both of you the best." (PW) "Thank you, sir!" (Dad, hugging Cassie) "Now go back to your hotel, get a good night's sleep and we'll see y'all at dinner tomorrow!" (CW) "I love you, daddy!" (Dad) "Love ya, Darlin'!" (PW) "Heh... Father knows best, right?" (CW, with a wink) "That would be a great name for a sitcom. I'll have to go back to the Fifties and tell someone!" [A Tyler Restaurant, where Awkward, Party of Six is seated...] (Female Server) "That must be the most subdued birthday dinner I've ever seen." (Male server) "I'd send the birthday crew over to sing for them, but I'm afraid they'll bite their heads off!" [GS and PW are both giving each other looks like, "What have we gotten ourselves into?] [On the road back to Dallas] (PW) "Well... That was an interesting weekend." (CW) "Yeah, you've just seen my family probably at our worst. I promise we're not always like that!" (PW) "I hear ya!" (CW) "So... Philip. You think we have a future? It's gonna be a challenge what with the

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distance between us." (PW) "Well, it just so happens that our company has a job opening at our Fort Worth office. If I manage to land it, that means I can join you here in the Metroplex!" (CW) "Oh, that would be SO awesome!" [Cassie's already drawing up her latest scheme] (PW) "I see the wheels spinning in your head, Cassie. I want to do this on my own. That means NO going back and making sure the other job applicants aren't even BORN!" (CW) "You're no fun, you know that?" [Boy, she's sounding like Matt...] [NSFW Sorry for the spoiler...] (CW) "Have a safe trip back!" (PW) "Okay... I love you!" (CW) "I love you!" (CW, checking snail-mail, to herself) What a cluster%X that was. I'm so worn out. I just want to lay down and rest. [Activating the time portal] In fact, I'll go back a few hours so I can get a good night's sleep. I've had enough surprises this weekend. I honestly don't know if I can take any more right now... (walks past Bethany's open room door...) [pause, then DOUBLETAKE! Looking into Bethany's room at... BETHANY AND MATT IN BED????] (CW, seated on the bed) "So..." (BG, adjusting her top) "um..." (MG, looking over at CW) "Yyyeah." (CW) "I... just wanna know when this started." (BG) "Well, before I answer that... Are you okay with us, being in a relationship like this? I just want you to promise me you won't go back and, like, sabotage our first tryst or something like that." (CW) "Beth, you're my best friend. You're a good friend too, Matt. I would never do that to either of you." (MG, looking up) "Well, I think it was while you and Allen were in Paratopia." (BG) "We were arguing over something dumb, and... all of a sudden we were kissing and making out." (MG) "I guess we were just the classic example of sexual tension building up between two people who never expected to be attracted to each other." (BG) "Or just too busy beating up on each other to notice. And we... honestly didn't know how to break the news to you." (CW) "So. Should I just go back and stop myself from barging in?" (BG) "Naah. It's really best you found out this way." [CW, on the couch with Mascus, calling her baby brother and getting his voicemail] Hi, you've reached Patrick's phone. That usually means I'm unable to answer it. Leave a message and I'll get back with ya as soon as I can. (Prerecorded message lady) <At The Tone, Please Record Your Message. When You Are Finished...> (CW, annoyed) "Yeah, yeah, whatever, geez. [BEEEEP] Hey there, it's Cassie. I just wanted to let you know... That you owe me. BIG TIME. And you'll never know why." [Philip is listening to this on his cell phone] Have a nice day! Say hi to Geri for me! <End Of Message> CASSIE'S BUCKET LIST "#19) Watch Matt try to ride a 'penny-farthing' bicycle." [1884; the Penny-Farthing is the "big wheel/little wheel" bike and Matt is NOT enjoying it.] (Karl Pilkington, of the show "An Idiot Abroad", is in an ancient Mayan village in Mexico) "Those bastards just had to send me here during the hottest time of the year! (The runes of the ancient Maya are lost on Karl) This heat is bloody appalling. It's a miracle I got any sleep at all. Whoa... Those buggers look completely gruesome. (Wait this carving looks familiar...) This bloke looks like he's playing a video game!" (CW) "You just HAD to mess with your iPhone while we were in the ancient Mayan Village?!" (MG) "Well excuse me. I didn't think anyone was looking!!!" [Semi-NSFW] [Behind The Necklace Chapter 0] (PW) "So how long have you had that time machine?" (CW) "Let's see... May of 2005. Almost seven years now." (PW, continuing their "pillow talk") "That thing must've taken a long time to build, not to mention getting all the bugs out

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of the system!" (CW) "Well, I did have some help from Matt. He's the electronics expert." (PW) "As for Bethany... She's in the know because she's your best friend and roommate, right?" (CW, counting off) "You got it! There's also Agent Scott, of course... A small group of friends in Florida [the gang from Rule of Three]... I don't know if Nicki would count, she's a robot... There's Kat, but she's been in a coma for a while, poor girl [ Tiki Coladas]... Also Maggie, who's actually from the 14th century... and Joan, who would've been burnt at the stake in 1431 had we not snuck her out of that era." (PW, realizing who she's talking about) "Wait... You mean to tell me..." (CW) "Yep. Remember when you fantasized about Joan of Arc at the Renfest, how you said you would 'hit that'? You actually said that to Joan of Arc herself, in the flesh." (PW, rolling over) "I feel so... unclean now." (CW, crawling over and reaching under the covers) "If it'll make you feel better, I'll pretend I'm Joan! So.. Can I play with your sword?" [65000000 BC] (CW, stepping out of the time portal) It WORKED! MY TIME MACHINE WOR" SPLAT! "I am a STEGOSAURUS!" [Modern-day reality otherwise known as Cassie's kitchen] (PW) "That can't be what really happened..." (CW, drinking from her OU coffee mug) "Actually, that was part of a hilarious cartoon that I saw on YouTube! Seriously, though..." [The video: http://youtu.be/cYNduM2gRsg] (CW explains how it all started) I first joined TerCon in 2003, fresh out of graduate school with my masters degree in physics. [Day one at TerCon; Gordo introduces Cassie to Rodney and Wanda and yep, that's a "future" Cassie from strip 220 peeking around the corner] (Gordo) "Hey Rodney, Wanda. This is Cassie Wells. She's a super-smart young lady who'll be joining us in R&D." (RO) "Pleased to meet you, Cassie!" (CW) "Hi!" (Wanda) "Welcome aboard!" (Gordo shows her around the lab) "So this will be your playground right here. Projects for our clients will take priority, of course. But you'll have ample time in between projects to tool around and experiment with our equipment." (CW, very impressed) "Wow. All this at my disposal?" (Gordo) "Yep! We've got the fancy electron microscopes, the micropositioning equipment, the nanofiber machines... Oh yeah, and our own personal super-collider downstairs." [Surprised Cassie is SURPRISED! CW tweeted: "It's not the LHC by a long shot, this one's only a mile in diameter...still, it was impressive as hell."] (CW, continuing) It was a few months later that I first met Matt. He was out in the parking lot messing with his car stereo system. (CW) "I gotta say that's impressive!" (MG) "Thanks! I wired it all up myself... and I can control it from my 'Blackberry' phone! I'm Matt, by the way." (CW) "I'm Cassie. I just started at TerCon not too long ago." (MG) "Cool! You work in sales or the more brainy stuff?" (CW) "The more brainy stuff. Nanotech Engineering. So... you work as a software developer or high-tech hot-shot?" (MG) "I sure do! I... uh... well, honestly, I'm just a travel agent with a load of credit card debt." It was one of those chance meetings... but I was glad I met him when I did. His expertise would come in handy later. (CW, continuing her story) I was always fascinated by the periodic table... and all those new elements that people were managing to create. So as one of my personal projects I set out to fabricate those elements that were not yet created by others. [The Super-collider] I spent lots of time at that Super-Collider, bombarding various materials with particles at various intensities. It was tedious and dangerous work for sure, but I stayed motivated with the thought of becoming a famous physicist who discovered a new element. Many months went by until finally, in the

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spring of 2005, [March] I discovered that I had something new on my hands. [The shiny! She picks it up through the radioactive manipulation gloves...] The atomic number was recorded at 150. And while other triple-digit elements fizzled out after a couple of minutes, this one had plenty of staying power. [FZZZT] Or so I thought. Suddenly, it vanished. [CW turns away from the manipulation chamber, making a note on a clipboard] I assumed that it vaporized from a combination of intense radioactivity and high density. At that point I wrote it off as another unstable element... until it reappeared right before my eyes. [FZZZT Plink] (CW continues wearing her radiation suit with a Geiger counter) At first I was just trying to get the little rock to stabilize, and at about 90 degrees it did. The metal was greenish, slightly malleable, and had a faint glow to it. [Which explains why the time portal is a yellowish-green] When I took a Geiger counter to it, however, the radioactivity was surprisingly very low. Low enough, in fact, for me to not really need the radiation suit [which she removes]. I don't remember all the experiments that I performed... but there was one I would definitely never forget. [setting up a LASER at the rock] Hoping for a cool color show, I focused a laser beam on one of the bumpy parts. The beam, bouncing off the rock, created green rings in the air... and through those rings I could see myself... FROM AN HOUR AGO. [Inside the ring is an image of Cassie putting ON her radiation suit!] (CW continues, in her car) I began to wonder, "Is this what I think it is?" I didn't want to cause a commotion at the workplace, so I went in on the weekend to research this further. I took my car-window hammer and carefully pounded on the metal rock until it had a smooth, cone-like crater. [BANG BANG BANG] Then I took a different laser and pointed it at the new crater. [The first rudimentary time machine!] After setting up a camcorder to tape my experiment, I fired up the laser. This time it generated a larger ring, one that I could easily fit through. I noted the time on the wall... [Analog clock reads 2:27] ...and walked into the ring. Coming out the other side, I glanced at the clock again. It had jumped 83 minutes ahead. [Analog clock now reads 3:50] And as I played the video footage back, the reality set in... [A very, VERY shocked Cassie] ...I had TRAVELED THROUGH TIME. (CW continues her story of the Time Machine) After the initial shock wore off, I wasn't sure that I wanted to share this with anyone else. [contemplating the clipboard and the "rock"] I knew I had a humongous new power on my hands... and with that was a huge responsibility. So I decided to officially report that this strange new element 150 was unstable and had vaporized. [Cover sheet: "A Report On The Synthesis of Sesquicentium Atomic Number 150 by Cassie Wells TerCon Technologies"] I gave it the name "Sesquicentium"... since I remembered from school the Texas "Sesquicentennial", aka their 150th anniversary of statehood. [CW in her car] Then I stashed it away, left the lab, and tried not to think any more of it. I didn't want to get involved in such a dangerous phenomenon at first. But then I got to thinking about the dire financial situation that my best friend and I were in. Although I was earning a decent salary, good enough for a nice apartment in a trendy neighborhood... between rising gas prices [Note: Gas had jumped over $2 a gallon in the spring of 2005, about when Cassie made the discovery. Try not to laugh], unpaid bills and Bethany out of work, we were one crisis away from a financial disaster. And when I got home... Sure enough, a crisis awaited. (BG, 2005) "Cassie, bad news. My car broke down and it needs a new $3,000 transmission." Suddenly, maybe having our own

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personal time machine wasn't such a scary prospect after all. (CW continues with her story) A few days later I called Matt with a proposition... (MG, with the Surf Vietnam poster in the background) "Chandarlis Travel, this is Matt!" (CW) "Hey, Matt? It's Cassie. Remember me, I work at TerCon next door?" (MG) "Oh yeah! How've ya been?" (CW) "Been fine! Listen... Would you be willing to help me with this top-secret electronics project... and in return, you can get all your debts paid off?" (MG) "You're $#!++ing me, right? I've got like $20,000 in credit cards and $25,000 I owe on my car." (CW) "Look, I know it's hard to believe, but trust me!" (MG) "If nothing else, can I get a blowjob?" (CW) "-Sigh- Fine, even a blowjob." (MG) "Whoa, I was really just kidding on that!" (CW) "Well then, don't hold your breath either way." (CW continues with her story) That Saturday morning [April 2, 2005], Matt showed up. And after swearing him to secrecy, I showed him the top-secret project. (CW, leading MG into her "lab") "Right behind this door here... [Sign on door: "CONFIDENTIAL EXPERIMENT KEEP OUT! Cassie"] Okay, so here's a TV and VCR that I've set to record for the next few nights. And here's the contraption that I'd like you to work on." (MG) "What's it do?" (CW, going over to her makeshift "time machine") "Well, watch this. I turn this thing on and it'll project a green ring... (reaching through the green ring) ...Then I eject the recorded tape and pull it out through the green ring... (a different TV with a built-in VCR) Next, we'll put the tape in a different machine and find a lottery drawing." (Announcer, on the tape in the VCR) "Tonight's 'Texas Two-step' numbers for Monday, April 4, 2005 are... 5, 11, 15, 27 and 33 for the bonus ball!" (MG, incredulous while Cassie is writing the numbers down) "What the hell? That's supposed to be TWO DAYS FROM NOW!!!" (CW) "That's right! I may have discovered the secret to traveling through time!" (MG) "I don't believe this..." (CW) "Well, take the numbers, get yourself a lottery ticket and after Monday night, see if you believe!" And a few days later... [Cassie's phone rings it's set to vibrate, of course...] (CW) "Hey Matt! How's it goin'?" (MG) "I must eat your &$$\/ now." (CW, deadpan) "No need." (CW continues with her story April, 2005) Matt won $475,000 that day... About $300,000 after taxes. He decided to split the winnings with me, which meant I had to tell Bethany about my secret. (BG) "SERIOUSLY???" (CW) "I swear it's TRUE! I stumbled onto this a few weeks ago! Come with me to the lab!" (MG, meeting the two outside TerCon) "Hey, Cassie! Here's your check!" (CW) "Awesome, thanks! Oh yeah... Matt, this is Bethany, she's my roommate and best friend." (MG) "Hi, Bethany!" (BG) "Hi, Matt!" (MG, as they enter TerCon's lobby) "I also bought micro-versions of those lasers you used on that time-rock, as well as the smallest cell phone available." (CW) "Cool... Let's get those hooked up to the rock!" (MG, fiddling around with the phone) "First thing we need to do is calibrate the laser settings. Go ahead and set the first laser to maximum intensity." (CW, turning a knob on the laser apparatus) "Okay..." [FOOSH, a blast of gray dust comes shooting through the time portal window] (BG) "AAAGH!" (MG) "$#!+!" (CW) "-COUGH- -COUGH-" (MG, who, along with the others, is coated from head to toe in dust with hair blown back) "Well, now we know that this thing can go all the way back to the formation of the earth!" (CW) "That's nice... Now can y'all help me clean this $#!+ UP?" (CW continues with her story) After we got the whole contraption fine-tuned... (MG, playing with the laser as the clock on the wall says 3:50) "Okay... Is the wall clock

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showing 7:25?" (CW, peeking through the time window) "Yep, 7:25!" ...It was time to go shopping for some kind of case that would hold it all together. (CW, with Bethany and Matt at the local mall probably Valley View Mall from strip 103) "We need something that would be sturdy enough to withstand extreme temperatures and severe weather, and at the same time be able to blend in to almost any historical period! [in a store, holding a box] How about an old Roman-empire-looking treasure chest box?" (BG) "Do you really wanna be lugging that around?" (MG, in another store) "Maybe... we could get one of these 'rock speakers' and hollow it out!" [Note: in the original concept for the strip, the time machine was a "hollowed out rock" with a ring that projected the time window/portal] (CW) "Okay, that would just look weird going into a palace or a fancy party!" (BG, off screen) HEY GUYS! (on-screen, in front of a mid-mall "kiosk" named "Southwestern Adornments") You think that timepiece stuff would fit in one of these?" (CW, picking out the pendant that would eventually become the time machine) "Hmmm... Stylish, durable, hollow... Let's give it a shot!" (MG) "And I could probably rig it so the beam shoots out one of the smaller holes!" (Puzzled Saleslady) "Beam?" [Semi-NSFW] [1978; New York City skyline (including the Twin Towers) and Banff International flying into Newark] (CW, continuing her story) So now that the time machine was assembled, it was time to go on a trip... in both time and location. (MG, "in" the plane) "So why are we flying to New York in 1978?" (CW) "Hel-looo... Cheaper airfare? Way less security hassles?" (BG) "Well, at least we're perfect on the accuracy... The machine says August 7, 1978, just like the newspaper!" (CW, who still has her OU shirt on, though her hair is more era-appropriate) "Speaking of accuracy be sure to use the right money for the era! I spent an entire day at a coin show to get us cash for the past!" [Studio 54! MG's already disco dancin', while Bethany has the time machine] (CW, off-screen) I was always fascinated by the disco scene. The hedonistic atmosphere of the king of disco clubs, "Studio 54", was something I had read about and wished that I could have experienced. And thanks to my time machine, that became a reality. We all got caught up in the madness and debauchery... [Cassie wakes up the next day, naked, with a hangover... and next to some random guy at least, we think it's a guy] ...And ultimately paid for it the next morning. In more ways than one... [1978; New York City] (CW continues the story of their first time-travel journey) We agreed to meet up at a spot in Central Park the next day, and that's when we found out that... (BG, holding the time machine) "This time machine's dead." (CW) "Matt, you got the charger?" (MG, in the "I'm a Pepper" t-shirt) "$#!+! I left it in 2005!" (BG, wide eyed) "We're STUCK HERE???" (CW, incredibly angry) "WHAT THE %X?! How are we gonna get back to OUR time?!" (MG, holding a hand up) "Chill out, people! I can rig this to charge with no problem... I just need to find a 'Radio Shack'! (puts it around his neck) We only used this... what, two or three times?" (BG) "Okay, once this thing's running again, I say we go a hundred years into the future and find a better way to power it!" (CW) "I second that!" (BG, wiping her brow) "Yeah, I'm itching to get out of this burning heat wave!" (CW, with stars coming out of her crotch) "Speaking of itching and burning... I don't like what I'm feeling downstairs..." [Matt is stopped in his tracks at this comment...] [2205; New York City skyline] (CW, continuing her story) The next day, after Matt got the time machine charged up again, I decided to go two hundred years into the future. (MG, off-screen) "Well, it looks like New York hasn't

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changed much. No 'Fifth Element' double-stacking or $#!+ like that." (BG) "I do see a lot of new skyscrapers, though!" (CW, talking to BG and MG) "Focus, people... Where do we get help? Does the internet still exist?" (MG, pushing a button on a little device on the curb) "This looks like some sort of information thingy..." [A holographic image appears a very familiar one for fans of a certain spacebased webcomic] (A2-Z) "Greetings! I am the A2-Z comprehensive information system. How can I help you?" (BG, holding up the time machine) "We... uh... need a new more powerful battery to fit in this... antique cell phone of ours." (A2-Z) "You can get a solar-fusion hybrid battery custom-made in minutes at 'Power Palace'." (MG) "Cool! Where's the nearest location?" (A2-Z, projecting a map of NYC holographically) "The nearest 'Power Palace' is located at 216 Cumia Drive [Anthony Cumia, from Opie & Anthony], under the Wilkow Bridge [Andrew Wilkow, SXM radio host of the Wilkow Majority] in the borough of [Rudolph] Giuliani. The holographic info-tab will show you the way." (MG, bewildered) "Wilkow Bridge? Giuliani?" (MG) "Let's take the... (looking down at the "thing" in his hand) info-tab and follow it. Cassie? You coming with us?" (CW, staying back a moment) "Yeah! Just a minute... (to A2-Z, after the two are out of hearing range) Um... is there a free clinic nearby?" (A2-Z) "I do not know of any existing free clinics. However, I can give you directions to the nearest diagnosis scanner booth." [NSFW] [2205; Cassie tells of her first visit to NYC of the future] (CW, continuing her story) So while Matt and Bethany went to get the new battery for the time machine... (Power Palace saleslady with the Persis Khambatta look) "This should last twenty times longer than the battery you have. And to charge it, all you have to do is expose it to the sun for about fifteen seconds!" (BG) "WAY Cool!" (CW, in front of a "Symptomatic" booth) ...I went to find out exactly what the hell was ailing me. (SymptoMatic Machine) "Please step inside the booth and remove all clothing from the genital area." [Medical Examinations in seconds! Scan & Diagnosis $10 This booth is sanitized] (CW, to herself) Not much of a bedside manner.. (SMM) "Please remain still as the probe scans your vagina." [NOW SCANNING Please remain still] [WHRRRR] (CW) "Ulp..." (SMM; screen reads "Your prescription is ready Please take Rex-Tab") "Our scan shows that you are infected with gonorrhea and herpes. Please take this Rex-Tab and proceed to the nearest medication vendor of your choosing" (CW) "Aw %X... Don't tell me I've got this for the rest of my life!..." (SMM) "The prescribed medication 'Viradicate' will eliminate from your body viruses like herpes, H.I.V. and Influenza." (CW) "Wow... Medicine's come a long way!" [2205; New York City; Cassie is at the "local ReadyRemedy prescription drug kiosk"] (CW, continuing her story offscreen) Yes, in the future, health care will go the way of the video rental... Cheaper and in fully automated vending machines. And when I received the cure yes, CURE for my herpes, the machine suggested something else to me. (RR Machine) "If you are sexually active, you should consider getting the 'Omnigasm' supplement. [ Treatments for over 25,000 ailments! 100 flavors! (CW said she tried the Dr. Pepper flavor)] One dose lasts for six months and is 100% effective in preventing all types of sexually transmitted diseases, as well as pregnancy." (CW) "Hmmm..." (off-screen) It was tempting, that's for sure. I was just as leery as anyone about sleeping around because of all the diseases. [1978, on the flight home to Dallas; MG is crashed out by the window, while BG is reading] And once I got to college, I found out that I had a pretty fierce sex drive. That didn't help matters any. (looking at the "prescription" in her hand) But now that I had complete

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protection from disease, I could satisfy those sexual urges with more confidence. (PW, seated on the couch, rather shell-shocked over all these revelations) "Well, that's good to know... I guess." (CW, innocently sitting on his lap) "Whaa-aat? You sound so intimidated, sweetie!" (CW, laying on PW's lap on her couch) That was when I turned into quite the libertine. I wasn't doing any gangbangs or anything... but I just wanted to break out of my comfort zone and be totally uninhibited for a bit. (PW) "Wow... So did you score with any historical guys?" [1775, flashback to strip 67 BEFORE she yelled "Rock Me Amadeus!"] (CW, off-screen) Quite a few! Don't worry, I wouldn't sleep around on your now... but with time travel, I've had everything from caveman 0X to Mozart to Miltie! [1969, an unknown bar] Some guys were not as willing to hook up, though... (CW, in halter top & bandana) "Come on! It's the Sixties! Free love, dammit! Don't you want to %X me?" (Guy) "Whoa... Get away.. Stay away from me! I gotta go..." (CW, to PW) "And as it turned out, that last guy was the lead singer for the Guess Who!" [Burton Cummings, by the way] (PW) "Wait... YOU were THAT 'American Woman'???" (CW is wrapping up the story of her time travels) [1522, flashback to strip 123; Cassie and Agent Scott] I did a pretty good job of keeping the time traveling to myself, but I did get a little careless later on. That was when Agent Scott entered the picture. He was originally gonna take all my time-travel stuff away, but I convinced him to let me keep it. [1967, flashback to strip 207; Cassie and Matt] Why wouldn't I fight for that? Time travel's been very good to me! I bought a house for a tiny fraction of what I'd have to pay today... [1349, flashback to strip 225; Cassie and Maggie] ...I made many new friends through the ages, and even saved a few lives... [1959, flashback to strip 330; Cassie and Bethany] ...and I made tons of money thanks to my knowledge of the future... which enabled me to take many memorable vacations without missing a day of work! (CW, laying on PW's lap on the couch) "I've lost track of how many of those 'extended vacations' I took, though. Talk about adding YEARS to your life!" (PW) "So... At this point, I may actually be dating an older woman?" (CW, pointing up at him) "HEY NOW! You know I'm in a perfect position to bite your balls off, right?" [World2; CW and PW are meeting in a vaulted basement area in the "game"]<NCDFW> Hey there! <P78TX> I see you got home OK <NCDFW>Yep, I had a great time this weekend <P78TX> I certainly learned a lot about you and... our little secret ;) [CW is at her computer] <NCDFW> Speaking of which... you know you're more than welcome to use my little machine at any time... all I ask is that you not take advantage of me... past, present or future. <P78TX> I promise, my love. <NCDFW> Cool... now what were you saying about Joan again? [PW is looking at CW "in game"] <P78TX> Well, I just want to do something to make it up to her. I still feel bad about the renfest incident. <NCDFW> Don't worry about it. I'm sure you'll see Joan again soon. [Suddenly... out from behind a pillar appears a knight in armor and a SWORD! SSSHHHKK right in half!] [JA is sitting on her chair under her favorite sword, of course giggling at her laptop] <NCDFW> Like... now! LMAO <JoanOfArc2000> Now we're even, buddy! Haha :D <P78TX> So THAT'S why you wanted to meet me in this area. I forgot it was combat-enabled :P CASSIE'S BUCKET LIST "#20) Appear on a classic game show, preferably with celebrities." [1983; the late Dick Clark is hosting The $25,000 Pyramid and CW has made it to the final round] (DC) "Good luck, you're playing for Ten Thousand Dollars. Here's your first subject. Ready?

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Go!" [First subject to be guessed is "Things at a Cocktail Party"] (Celebrity Nipsy Russell? Bill Cosby? We can't quite tell) "Okay Uh Open Bar Hors d'oeuvers Uh Lounge music, a toast" (CW, in appropriate early 80's getup) "Uh, things at a wedding reception! Things you find at a dinner function!..." [RIP Dick Clark] [1962, the beaches of Southern California; MG is walking with a surfboard wearing a painters cap with a flap which wasn't in style back then with CW beside him; a guy in shades next to a woody (a 1946 Pontiac Deluxe Woodie Wagon) is chuckling at Matt's attire] (J. Surfazio... Hey, where have I heard that name before?) "Hey dude! What's with the Safari Cap?" (MG) "Well crap... I thought this was in style by now!" (CW) "You're about a couple decades off, dumb@$$!" [Meanwhile, a guy behind the wagon is thinking to himself...] (Brian Wilson yes, THAT Brian Wilson) A "Surf Safari"? Hmmm, I should do a song about that! [The sign on the back of the woodie: ] LEARN TO RIDE THE WAVES! J. SURFAZIO SURFING LESSONS REASONABLE RATES! DIAL HOUKVILLE 1-0227 [... Wait, WHAT was that phone number again???] [NANOCON 2012 in Miami; Cassie and Rodney are speaking with a special guest at the TerCon booth] (RO, speaking over an exterior view of the Miami Convention Center) "Cassie, This is General Lee Dodge. [pause here for the groan] He's an assistant to the Defense Secretary at the Pentagon." (CW) "Pleasure to meet you, General!" [ The TerCon Booth "Nanotech Solutions For Your Life"; a convention attendee is in the background] (GLD) "Pleasure's all mine, Cassie! I understand you're developing some nanotech applications for possible military purposes!" (CW) "Well, everything's still on the drawing board, but the U.S. would definitely be first in line for whatever we produce! [RO is in the background watching a "robot" move around their booth with the sign, "FOLLOW ME TO TERCON BOOTH 527"] Think of millions of tiny smart drone missiles searching out and spying on secret bases, destroying weapons, disabling soldiers, freeing captives, and they completely self-destruct when finished, so there's no chance of the enemy learning about them!" (GLD) "Sounds pretty cool... I wish we'd known about your company sooner!" [The robot turns towards CW, still holding the sign after RO and GLD have moved on...] (Robot, who is really... aw, come ON, you've read THIS far, right? You should KNOW it's KS) "Well, SOME of us Government Agencies do know about the military possibilities of nanotechnology!" (CW) "And when, Agent Scott, were you gonna tell them?" "If Historical Figures Did Television Commercials," #10: [A pistachio nut sits in the foreground; a man appears in the background with some strange contraption... then FZZZTZZZT BAKOW] (Voiceover, as Nikola Tesla munches on his Tesla coil-opened pistachio) Nikola Tesla... does it with intense power. ["Get Crackin'" logo with the Wonderful Pistachios] [Be Somebody] (BG, with a box under her arm someone's moving out!) "-Sigh- I never thought this day would come so quickly..." (CW, sitting down with a box in her lap) "Well, it had to come eventually! A house like this can't stay a two bachelorette pad forever!" (BG) "What's the latest on Philip trying to move here?" (CW) "His last job prospect fell through... So far, no new openings popped up. And I don't really want to look into the future to find out when... or if... he gets a job in this area." (MG who is the reason why BG is moving; or perhaps you need to go back to strip 500? carrying a couple of boxes) "Okay, enough

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conversation. There's still plenty of boxes and other $#!+ to load up!" (BG) "Chill out, we're just resting for a bit!" (CW) "Besides, you have Nicki... She's all the help you really need!" (ND, carrying two VERY big boxes and at least one other large item with arms extended) "That's no excuse! Let's pick it up, slackers!" (BG) "Show-off!" (BG, to CW) "So... You gonna be okay?" (CW) "Yeah... It's gonna feel empty around here, that's for sure. At least I still got Nicki here." (ND) "At your service! Companionship is a specialty of mine!" (BG, as they head down the hall from BG's old bedroom) "Well, one of these days you'll have little kids running around through these halls!" (CW) "I know. -Sigh- I miss those days sometimes. If only it were possible to become a little girl again... Running around my house without a care in the world... [ Mascus runs around in the background] ...Playing on all the cool, new toys and playground equipment that came out when I was too big for them. But I don't think we'll ever see a 'Fountain of Youth potion.' Not to shrink me to preschooler size, anyway." (ND) "If you really want to be a little girl again, I know how to make that happen!" (CW) "Um... Do I want to know how?" (BG) "Yeah, let's keep this legal!" (ND, pulling up a hologram video for BG and CW) "It's a specialized robot rental service called 'borroabody'. You get into a specialized suit, strap on some virtual-reality goggles, and you're completely controlling a robot with your entire body, like you were transplanted into that robot." (CW) "Coo1! What decade is this in?" (ND) "The service became wildly popular by the 2040's, mostly among the elderly who wanted to relive their youthful days. (BG) "That sounds like Fun!" (MG) "What are we talking about here?" (CW) "Nicki's talking about a future pastime where you can control a humanoid robot like you were the robot itself!" (ND) "Borroabody was founded in 2037 by Austin Tullier, a robotics and nanotech engineer who was experimenting with some used robots that he bought on eBay." (MG) "He must've gotten the idea from 'Avatar' or 'The Matrix', right?" (ND) "Acutally, he got the idea from an old 'Questionable Content' comic book." [ That, of course, would be the webcomic named Questionable Content.] [2043; Outside the local "BORROABODY" outlet "OPEN 24 HOURS Pods Available"] (MG, in shadow outside the entrance) "So... Why are we doing it this year?" (ND, who apparently does not join the group inside) "It's the optimum time where it's still growing in popularity, but just before it's restrained by regulations resulting from some incidents involving sex offenders." (BG, also in shadow) "Wow... that sucks." [Inside; the "front desk" of Borroabody signs on the wall read "Best Value $749.99" on one sign; "GROUP RATES AVAILABLE" and "Ask about our WORKFORCE BUSINESS RENTAL PROGRAM"] (Borroabody "Host") "Welcome to Borroabody! We have plenty of open pods if you wanna jump right in!" (CW) "Thanks! You have any kid models available?" (BH) "Yep, we still got a few of those!" [All three are looking up at the "menu" choices] (BG) "I can't decide what I want... What about you, Matt?" (MG, pointing up) "I... might want to try... (whispering) a female model..." (BG) "WHAT was that?" (MG, blushing with some anime "sweat drops") "You knooow... One of ... (whispering again) those... females..." (BG) "What, Matt? You want to be a woman? I knew it!" [2043; Borroabody of North Texas and Matt's getting chided over his "body choice"] (MG, to a giggling BG) "ALRIGHT ALREADY! I've always wondered what it'd be like to be in a girl's body, okay???" (Host) "Hey, no need to stress out! That's half our business! Even the manliest of men do it! [A female Borroabody employee

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appears to the left] Now that you're all signed in and paid, just go over to the ready robots area and take your pick!" (Borroabody Hostess) "Follow me, folks! [ There are four "stalls" with female "bodies" in them] Right now we have four female models available... Danni, Erica, Jinny and Gisele!" [Gee, some of those names sound familiar; BG whispers something to CW as Matt looks over the "bots"] (MG) "Hmmmm... I think I'll taaake... Erica." (BG) "YESSS! I KNEW he'd pick the biggest +!+$! Pay up, bitch!" (CW, who's ticked off) "Dammit, Matt! You're so PREDICTABLE!" [Semi-NSFW] [2043; CW, MG and BG are at Borroabody, about to begin their "adventure"] (BH voiceover, as the three enter a corridor with a bunch of pod-like "rooms") "Please choose an unoccupied pod, scan your tag, and close the door. [MG pulls off his clothes buttcrack sighting! with a suit on the right and a "couch" on the left] Remove all articles of clothing and put on your specialized control suit. [BG has on her suit; pulling it "closed"] Your suit will automatically contract to fit your body. It is fully sanitized after each use, and patented 'ANED' technology will vaporize any excretement that you may discharge. [ in case you forgot, check the Wikipedia entry back in strip 44 ; meanwhile CW puts on her goggles and headset looking all the world like she's about to go skydiving] Finally, put on your headset, take your seat, and your Borroabody experience will begin." [And with a few BLINKS of a virtual eye] (CW, in her "kid" body a little girl with an odango "double-bob" afro hairstyle) "WHOA! I'm FOUR YEARS OLD AGAIN!" (MG, off-screen) "Cassie?" (CW) "Yep! Also known as Mimi! Lookin' real sexy there, Erica!" (MG, looking down at CW's little girl robot) "Heh... Thanks! Now all we need is Bethany... [looking over her shoulder] I didn't see the robot she picked. I wonder who she..." (BG, who is a male in a white t-shirt that looks a lot like Matt) "Hey Erica! Come an' give your boyfriend Gino a nice tongue kiss, Toots!" [Semi-NSFW] [2043; Cassie, as her Borroabody self "Mimi", runs into Nicki] (CW in semi-robotic speech mode) "Nicki! It's Cassie!" (ND) "Hello, stranger! Looks like you've regained your youth!" (CW/Mimi) "Thanks! I can't wait to try this out at a playground!" [ CW on her "couch" at Borroabody] (ND) "Are you adjusting to your robotic form well?" (CW) "Yeah, it felt weird at first, just laying here in a chair and moving around to control 'Mimi'... [looking down at her "robot" hands] but after a while I got used to it. This feels like a second body to me now!" (ND, looking down at "Mimi") "Excellent! How are the others doing with their robotic selves?" (CW/Mimi, offscreen) "They're getting used to their bodies. Getting used to each other, however... not so much." (MG, as "Erica", fondling his own breasts and singing) "I'm sexy and I know it..." (BG, as "Gino") "Will you STOP fondling your boobs already?! It's getting embarrassing!" [Semi-NSFW] [2043; a playground in the Metroplex area] (CW, as "Mimi", sliding down a tube-slide) "WHEEE!!!" (MG, as "Erica", talking to BG and holding a bag from Beaton's Department Store) "Come on Beth... GINO... at least Cassie's out there enjoying herself!" (BG, as "Gino") "I'm enjoying myself... watching you make an ass of yourself!" (MG/Erica) "Hey, it's not every day I get to wear a sexy dress and not look or feel awkward! Though the high heels do take some getting used to..." (BG/Gino) "Sexy?! That dress looks hideous! I hope you didn't spend a fortune, cuz I sure as hell ain't wearing it!" (MG/Erica, pulling out some lingerie from the bag) "Maybe if I put Erica in one of these, I can get you going!" (BG/Gino) "Whatever... You're just irritating me more than turning me on right now!" (MG/Erica, pointing downward at an

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obvious "bulge") "Ohh, I'd say your pants are telling a different story!" (BG/Gino) "YOU. SUCK." (MG/Erica) "Not out here in public, sweetie!" [NSFW] [2043; a playground in the Metroplex area] (MG, as his "Borroabody" robot "Erica", who has noticed BG's robot is having "stiffness issues") "Dare I ask how that feels on you?" (BG, as her robot "Gino", whose crotch is getting a little "overactive") "I think my crotch is getting pinched a little Look, can you just help me get this stupid thing deflated?!" (MG/Erica) "You do know that real erections take a few minutes to dissipate, right?" (BG/Gino) "You're NOT helping any! There's gotta be a way to override this thing" (CW, whose little girl robot "Mimi" is running over from playing on the playground) "Wow that was FUN! I should do this more WHAT THE %X'S GOING ON HERE?!" (BG/Gino, whose "erection" has overridden the seam of her pants) "I can't get this hard-on to go away! I think it's malfunctioning Ah $#!+" (CW/Mimi, who's freaking out a bit) "%XING HELL, Beth! Put that 0X away before we get busted! This could really" (Police officer, partially off-screen, pointing a gun at the three of them) "STOP RIGHT THERE!!!" (CW/Mimi, finishing her thought) "make us look bad." [2043; the playground and this whole robot thing suddenly stopped being fun] (Police Officer, complete with optical targeting device and... a "polo" shirt? ) "Well, it looks like we have a couple of future registered sex offenders in our midst!" (BG/Gino, who's still trying to get "his" electro-priapism under control) "This is not what it looks like, officer, believe me!" (PO) "Oh, I'm sorry... So what IS it then, when a man has his wanker out and fondling it in front of a minor?! SHUT UP and let's see some ID!" (CW/Mimi) "We... don't have any, we're..." (PO, reaching out and making the obvious discovery) "Robots? Even better! That means I can impound them... and YOU, at mission control, will have to PAY for them! And don't think you can just run away. I've got a short-range EMP bomb that'll turn these things into BOAT ANCHORS!" (MG/Erica, aside to "Mimi") "Can Nicki use her Time Machine to get us out of this mess?" (CW/Mimi) "She might get destroyed as well, I can't risk that!" (MG/Erica, who's noticed the obvious) "Well, think of something, because we've just arrived at the 'bad to worse' point!" (PO, as a future "cop car" comes pulling up) "Oh good! Your ride's here!" [2043; Our heroes are in the back of the police "vehicle" as the PO tells the driver of the police SUV about his "quarry"] (PO, as he shuts the door on MG, CW and BG) "These three 'Bots need to go back to the Walnut Hill location of Borrabody, and the operators of Mimi, Erica and Gino need to be apprehended on charges of lewd conduct!" (Driver, who is wearing sunglasses) "Okay, I'll alert the staff. [pulls out a bar-shaped item from the front seat] Oh, could you do me a favor? I think my taser is on the fritz, can you look at it real quick?" (PO who we see has a Texas state flag on his right arm) "Sure! [looks at the "taser" as the Driver holds it up wait, what are all those numbers on the back?] Hmmm... I've never seen THIS brand befo--" FZZAP! [MG as Erica looks through the glass and realizes she's seen that "taser" before] Wh-what happened?" (Driver, who MG sees is holding the brake pedal of the SUV with a very-familiar "extender" foot) "You passed out from the heat, son. You need to rest for a few minutes! [thumbing back towards the "bots"] Now, I gotta go take these accident victims to the rail station. Drink some cold water and take it easy, okay?" (PO, who's a bit confused after his little neuralyzer-ing) "Um... Okay." (Driver, to his "charges" as they drive under the super-

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stack in downtown Dallas) "Alright, guys, if I drop y'all off a few miles away, could y'all PLEASE stop with the Battle of the Sexes?" (BG, CW and MG, as one) "Yes, Agent Scott!" [2043; the three are all out at the front desk of the Walnut Hill Borroabody] (CW) "Uhh... We haven't been penalized for anything we did... have we? There may have been some..." (Borroabody Hostess) "Hey, don't worry about it! All activity at Borroabody is logged and stored away, but unless there's severe damage to our robots or charges are filed by law enforcement, Borroabody's policy is, what happens in your rental, stays in your rental." (CW, relieved as are MG & BG in the background) "Umm... Okay! Cool!" [Present-day Walnut Hill Shopping Center in the Metroplex] (MG) "Well, that was scary at the end... but interesting!" (BG) "Yeah, I'd say I learned a lot about you today. You make a pretty good girl!" (MG) "Yep, that was fun while it lasted, but I'm glad to be back doing Guy stuff!" (BG) "You know, I'd like to do more guy stuff, actually. In fact, I don't think I've ever used a strap-on before!" (MG, hands held up in protest) "WHOA! Slow down there, babe!" (BG, who's holding a copy of a certain "book" in the TerCon breakroom) "Wow... This '50 Shades Of Grey' book is %Xed up. I wonder what the Marquis de Sade would've thought of it?" (CW, holding her OU mug with a knowing look) "Funny you should mention that..." [1776; France hey, haven't we been here before?] (Marquis de Sade, reading a copy of said book, as Lady Cassandra looks on) "Feh. Amateurs." (MG, with BG laying on his lap ala Cassie & Philip) "So... How do you like Casa Gahan so far?" (BG) "Eh. It could use a few changes..." (MG) "Okay, let's not get too crazy with that!" (BG) "I still can't help but feel bad for Allen. Just getting back on his feet, and we kicked him out!" (MG) "Don't worry about him... He told me he found a new guy to share an apartment with... [ Voiceover of a scene of Allen with his new roommate... CHAD!] ...And from what I heard they have a lot in common!" (Chad, seated on a futon, playing a video game with AJ) "You think I still have a chance with Cassie?" (AJ, not missing a beat) "I wouldn't really recommend it, Chad... She's been down with some weird Secret Service $#!+ lately!" [The Last Go-Round] (PW, seated on the couch next to CW, who is looking at her tablet at the latest celeb news) "Wow... ANOTHER celebrity divorce." (CW) "There's been a lot of that $#!+ lately!" (PW) "Let's promise each other right now... We stay upfront and honest about our feelings as long as we're together." (CW) "I'm cool with that! And if one of us is unhappy in this relationship, we say so right away, get it out in the open, and not pretend everything's okay while %Xing around behind the other's back. Promise?" (PW) "PROMISE! [pause] Let's also agree not to use the time machine to take advantage of each other. For instance, to cover up an affair or mislead our past or future selves!" (CW, who is now a bit skeptical of PW) "Any reason you'd bring THAT up?" (PW, who just realized he inserted his foot in his mouth) "Um... Nothing I would EVER do myself!" (CW, who's now a bit ticked at PW) "So... now you're assuming that I would sneak around on you? You wouldn't trust me to stay faithful?" (PW) "Let's not jump to conclusions here. I'm just thinking back to what we talked about online. I know your heart's in the right place, it would just seem too easy for a time traveler to sneak off, get a hotel room, have some fun... and then come back exactly at the point they left their home, their spouse none the wiser! [pause] PURELY speculation here. But... wouldn't you agree?" (CW, arms akimbo) "It sounds like you're saying

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that's something YOU would do!" (PW, who's getting majorly frustrated) "UGH.. NOOO..." [Exterior of Cassie's home, at night; all is not well in Cassie-land] (PW, voiceover, as it is apparent he's losing a fight with CW) "Look, I'm sorry! Can you stop being so %XING IRRATIONAL?!" (CW) "Just GET OUT and GO HOME, Philip!!!" (PW, to himself, outside after the front door goes SLAM behind him) Ugh... Dammit, Philip, you just HAD to open your big mouth! [looks back at the house as he crosses the street] I've NEVER seen her THAT &!$$ed off before. I've got a bad feeling that this relationship is over. NOW what do I... (CW, appearing from nowhere in a different outfit AND with the time machine) "I'm sorry, sweetie." [plants a big kiss on the surprised PW] (PW) "I... I don't get..." (CW) "Trust me, this is one of the reasons why you'll be glad I have a time machine." [Side note: CW tweeted "It took me a few days, actually... but I didn't want to lose Philip as soon as I got over it."] ["Future" CW is talking to PW right after their little spat] (FCW) "I understand what you said about the trust issue. And I agree. Time travel blows everything out of proportion. So let's just be as faithful as we can, and try not to hurt each other. Can we agree to that?" (PW) "Agreed." (FCW) "Now. The main reason I'm here. I'm from a few days into the future. That means, right now, we're technically on the outs while I get over this." (PW) "And you're telling me this Why?" (CW) "I'm offering you this one-time-only chance to go back in time and have sex with one famous woman of your choosing." [ RUN, Philip! It's a TRAP!] (PW, who still isn't sure about this) "I don't know if I want to do this" (FCW) "Philip... I want you to. I feel guilty that I got to %X through history with my time machine and you didn't. Just have a simple meaningless fling with some famous chick. Maybe a swimsuit model you lusted after when you were twelve, or a rock starlet from your high school years. Only stipulation: she must have gotten famous before you went to college." (PW) "Are you sure you want this to happen?" (FCW) "Positive! I trust you wit this, and I honestly don't mind at all. As long as she was popular in some way. [ND appears] I'll leave Nicki in your care. She'll have the info on your options, AND she's got a time machine to take you there! Once you're done, we're back together and we find out where this relationship takes us." (PW) "Well, okay If you strongly insist." (FCW) "Cool. Good luck! See you in a week! I love you!" [PW turns to ND who does the "eyes on you" signal to him. This might not be as easy as he thinks...] [Exterior of a hotel in the north Metroplex; PW and ND are discussing his "plan of action"] (PW) Okay So, where to begin?" (ND) "Let's do this. You make a list of all the women you were attracted to in your youth, and I'll evaluate it." (PW scribbles down some names on a sheet of paper, handing it to ND) "Here ya go. What do you think?" (ND, reading the paper) "Unfortunately, there's not much of a chance at all that you could score with anyone on this list. They'll either have been married, going steady with someone, or just 'not that kind of girl'. That last one especially goes for those who lived before the 20th century." (PW) "Wow Not even the rock stars?" (ND) "These artists on your list aren't known for sleeping with groupies, unlike their male couterparts." (PW) "Damn. Human nature is such a 0X-blocker!" (ND) "Well, don't expect me to relate." [The Hotel Room; PW and ND are still discussing his "plan of action"] (PW, handing a note to ND) "How about this?" (ND) "That's doable. We'll have to go back to 1967, before the airport metal detectors, so I can some with you."

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[1967; a Pacific Airlines jet heading for point unknown] (ND, voiceover from the plane) "The best time to make your move would be early 1981, before the onset of worldwide fame." [1981; "backstage" at an unknown concert venue; ND is dressed up in period attire, as is PW] (Blonde "groupie" guy) "Who are you hopin' to score with?" (PW, who's not sure how to answer that) "I don't really care." (BGG) "I want the drummer myself!" (Short haired brunette; she looks a bit familiar doesn't she play guitar for some group? Jane something-or-other?) "Alriiight You, you and oh yes, YOU, the rugged redhead there!" (ND) "Good luck!" [2012; CW has been debriefed on PW's "fling"] (CW) "The GO-GO'S? Well, I'm impressed! Hey wait a minute I said you could %X only ONE girl!" (PW) "I only laid ONE of them, thank you!" (ND) "And I can verify that!" (CW) "Uh-hh So, which one?" (PW, who's probably been dying to say this line) "MY lips are sealed." (ND, who doesn't fall for the joke) "Belinda." [as in Belinda Carlisle; she, however, wasn't the one who wrote the song "Our Lips Are Sealed" that was Jane Wiedlin, who was the brunette in the strip.] [NSFW] [PW and CW are in the "afterglow" of their postmakeup sexyfuntimes] (PW, who is nekkie) "Wow... DAMN, girl, you done wore me out!" (CW, atop him and also nekkie) "You doubting my trust anymore?" (PW) "Not at ALL! So, I'm curious Who was YOUR last famous fling? I promise I won't get mad!" (CW) "Well, it happened just before Animefest. And I wanted to go out with a BANG... so to speak..." [1980; CW is in a pink tube top and backstage at a certain rocker's show] (CW) "Hey TED! You wanna wang-dang THIS sweet poontang?" (Ted Nugent, sweating profusely after one of his sets) "HELL YEAH!" [Athens (NOT the one in Georgia); CW, PW, MG and BG are all inside the Olympic Stadium, presumably from the 2004 games] (PW) "Well, here's where it all began. How about we go back to 1896 and watch the very first modern Olympic games?" (MG) "I'd love to go back and witness the ancient Greek Olympic games. Hell, I'd love to compete in them!"(CW) "So. You're willing to compete totally naked, with other naked male athletes, while being watched by a stadium full of only men?" (MG, grimacing while BG is trying hard not to laugh) "Well, since you put it that way" "If Historical Figures Did Television Commercials" #11: (Voiceover) When you don't have cable, you get bored. [Bonnie Parker climbs onto the lap of her boyfriend, Clyde Darrow] When you get bored, your girlfriend suggests that you rob a bank with her. [Darrow holds up a gun to a teller at a bank] When your girlfriend suggests that you rob a bank with her, you go and rob the nearest bank. [Darrow shoots a guard as Bonnie makes off with two bags of money] When you go and rob the nearest bank, you end up killing some security guards. [A car chase ensues through the countryside] When you end up killing some security guards, you're on the run from the law. [Bonnie and Clyde are... well, you know how the story ends] When you're on the run from the law, you get shot to death in your car by several lawmen. Don't get shot to death in your car by several lawmen. Sign up now for Direct TV. [NSFW] [A swimming pool; CW and PW are standing next to the pool, fully dressed] (PW) "That was real nice of your neighbors to let us use their pool!" (CW) "Yep. We got it all to ourselves this weekend!" (PW, who we see is wearing a long-sleeve turtleneck with a vest, and shorts) "You ready?" (CW, who is now wearing a little red bikini) "I sure am!" (PW) "Good, I'm burning up in this!" [PW clicks his iPod to play "Moving in Stereo" by the Cars and we cut to a scene of CW climbing out of the pool ala Phoebe

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Cates in "Fast Times at Ridgemont High"] (CW) "Hi, Brad. You know how cute I always thought you were." [She promptly takes off the top to her bikini and kisses PW] (PW) "So What happens next?" (CW) "Now you go into the bathroom and start jacking off. Then I'll barge in acting all disgusted!" ["Awesome! Totally Awesome!"] [1979; CW is at the world premiere of an English film but it's not just anyone who's at this premiere] (Eric Idle, who is standing next to fellow Monty Python members Terry Jones and John Cleese, to CW's right) "...So you HONESTLY believe that one day I'll be singing my 'Bright Side of Life' song as part of an Olympic Ceremony?" (Michael Palin, who is standing to CW's left, next to Terry Gilliam) "That's very flattering, miss, but I'm afraid you've gone bloody mad!" (Graham Chapman, who stands on the far right) "Even if it's possible, I'll be a sodding old man before that ever happens!" [Irony can be pretty ironic sometimes, can't it, Brian? A note: the world premiere of "Life of Brian" was on August 17, 1979 33 years prior to the date of the strip] [A Mother Of A Dilemma] [BG and CW are having a little "catch up" time at Cassie's place; we catch them midconversation] (BG, on couch) "Yeah, I knew I could tell just by looking at his picture on Perez!" [Perez Hilton, by the way] (CW, reaching to grab her phone: BZZZZT) "Hold that thought Hello?... Hey Dad. What's going on? [pause and a sudden look of disbelief on CW's face] Oh wow. Are you sure???... How long was she doing that? [looks into the phone and over at BG] Okay Well, no, I'm fine for now. Just keep me posted. Love you. Bye." (BG) "What was that all about?" (CW, with the "officially worried" look on her face) "It's my mother. The cancer's spreading." (BG) "How bad is it?" (CW) "They found tumors in her lung and in her esophagus. She just started radiation treatments." (BG, putting her arm on CW's shoulder) "Oh chica, I'm so sorry" (CW) "It's okay. There might be something I can do to help her. [the two walk out front] I could either go back, figure out what caused the cancer and deflect it from her or go into the future and see if 'Ready Remedy' has a cure for everything that's ailing her. [ CW gives her "annoyed look"] And here's usually when Agent Scott shows up to tell me this is a bad idea." [ Both pause to look around] (BG) "Looks like this pla could actually work!" (KS, in his Fisher-Price PowerWheels Cadillac Escalade disguise which CW probably already saw creeping up from her left) "Well I do have a few reservations" [KS is getting out of his Escalade disguise as CW and BG watch] (KS) "First of all, with most of those cancers, no one's been able to determine any exact cause of them, and some of them are even hereditary." (CW) "Well, mom's got ovarian cancer" (KS) "And that would be one of those with the unknown causes. It would be a waste of time to figure it out. Also You've seen 'Back To The Future', right?" (CW) "Right!" (KS) "So I shouldn't have to warn you about the extreme dangers of meddling in your parents' past especially before the birth of your brother. The only thing I can suggest is you convince your mother to take some medicine from the future." (CW) "So you're saying nothing will happen if I tell mom about my timetraveling?" (KS) "Well, I'm sure she can keep a secret as well as you can, but just keep in mind, revealing something like that to you parents could potentially raise some negative trust issues. Tread carefully. And do keep your neuralyzer handy." [2105; CW is at her friendly neighborhood ReadyRemedy kiosk] (CW, to herself) Let's see "Komenator" Ovarian Formula. Better make it flavorless so I can put it in Mom's

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drink. [2012, Tyler, Texas; CW has shown up at home for a "visit"] (Dad) "Well, hey, girlie! This sure is a surprise!" (CW) "Hi daddy! How's mom doing?" (Dad, in front of the family photo) "She's resting right now. Those treatments sure wear her out, make her delusional at times." (CW) "Okay, I'll just leave something for her." [ CW enters the bedroom and sees her mom asleep on the bed. A table is beside the bed with a mug] (to herself) Oh good, she's got her cup of tea. Now I just need to put this in without her finding out. [CW opens her purse, but doesn't see that Mom has opened her eyes until she's pouring the ReadyRemedy formula into her tea] (Mom, sitting up with a start and swiping away the tea mug suddenly) "ARE YOU TRYING TO POISON ME?!" [The mug, tea and the ReadyRemedy packet go flying as a surprised Cassie is surprised!] (CW is in full defensive mode) "Mom! It's me! I'm trying to save your life!" (Mom) "C-Cassie?" (CW, slowly opening up her purse) "Look , I know you're gonna find this hard to believe, but I discovered time-travel at my workplace. I got you medicine from the future!" (Mom, who still isn't "all there") "Cassie dear, why are you making stuff up like that" (CW pulls out her time machine) "I'm not making anything up! Here! Check this out (Points it at a corner of the room, where baby PW is in his crib) Remember when this was baby Patrick's room? There he is in his crib, in 1988!" (YPatW) "Ahahaha!" (CW, showing her mom the pendant) "See? I can go into the past or the future with this thing! And I" (Mom is NOT impressed) "WHAT KIND OF SORCERY IS THIS?!" (CW, who is now realizing this was NOT a good idea) "MOM! CALM DOWN!" (Mom) "Back off!!!" (Dad, who heard the ruckus) "Carla? What's going on here?!" (Mom) "She's doing some kind of WITCHCRAFT, BOBBY!" (Dad) "My GOD, Cass! What did you do to her?!" (CW, opening her purse and not to grab the time machine) "Will you just LOOK HERE?!" [turns away, closes her eyes, activates the neuralyzer and thinks to herself] Dammit, y'all leave me no choice [FZZAP] (Mom, who is lost) "Uh Cassie?" (Dad, who is equally lost) "Why am I in here?" (CW) "Mom, I think you had a muscle spasm. Everything's okay, just get some rest. (to Dad) Dad Let's go sit down. You're getting too stressed out, you nearly fainted!" (Mom, meanwhile, is sitting up in bed and notices something) "Could someone get me some more tea?" (Dad notices that CW is distressed over something) "Cass, you okay?" (CW) "I don't know. I was trying to give mom some kind of well" (Dad) "Sweetie, I know you mean well, but your mother doesn't want any weird or exotic treatments. She's just real stubborn about wanting to do this on her own." (CW) "-Sigh- I just can't let her die this way. I thought I could help." (Dad) "Look, I don't think I ever told you this. But when Carla first joined her church, she wanted you and Patrick to be full-time members with her. She wanted you to go to all their youth programs, to Sunday school, to follow all their strict guidelines." (CW) "Really? I remember she tried to talk me into it once." (Dad) "Yep. She would've just dragged you and your brother there with her every Sunday. But I put my foot down. I told her you two were old enough to decide for yourselves how to live your lives, and that you'd join if you wanted to. We fought about it off and on for days. But she eventually saw it my way and she didn't bother y'all anymore about it. [reaches out to touch CW's shoulder] She let you make your own decisions about your life, so it's only fair that you let her do the same thing with hers." (CW, talking to Dad in front of the family photo and she's not sure how to bring something up) "So What are they

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saying I mean, how long uh" (Dad) "You don't have to use the kid gloves on us, Cass. Her doctors aren't giving her any projections just yet. They want to try a couple more treatments first. And we've got the money to pay for them, so don't worry the least bit about us. [ hugging her] Just go back home and keep living your life. It's all that we can really do right now." (CW) "Okay.." [ Exterior shot of the house, with Dad waving from the front door; to herself] Sigh- If only y'all know how much more I could do. [CW is walking away from her parents' house in Tyler, just about to get in to her car, when] (KS) "Psst! Cassie! I decided to come as backup. You want me to slip her the medicine?" (CW, with a dejected look on her face) "No, thanks." (KS, who is "disguised" as a portable home-care oxygen tank) "Oh Okay Well, this was a waste of disguise design time." (KS is stepping out of his Oxygen Tank disguise) "I gotta say, Cassie. I admire your restraint in the face of such overwhelming adversity. The fact that you possess such serious game-changing power, yet, out of respect for your mother's wishes, decide not to use it, speaks volumes of your increased maturity in matters of time travel. (long pause) Ummm Look, if there's anything you need, just..." (CW, dropping her purse and falling to her knees, the tears welling up) "Hold me." [KS is somewhat surprised, but awkwardly holds CW] (MG, walking into CW's backyard as she is using her Apple iPad) "Can I borrow the time machine for a minute?" (CW) "Um For what?" (MG, holding a net with something moving in the bottom) "I just caught a butterfly and I want to release it into the past!" (CW) "Dare I ask why?" (MG) "I just wanted to test that theory you know, Lorenz, 'Butterfly flapping its wings in Brazil' and all that." (CW, handing him the time machine) "Okay. I sure hope you know what the hell you're doing."(MG) "It's a pretty simple operation, so yeah! [opening the time machine] Let's see here. 500 years ago would be a good starting point. [1512, MG steps through the time portal and lets the butterfly go] Here goes! FLY FREE, LITTLE CREATURE! [steps back into 2012] Now check your 'i-Pad'. Any big changes in history?" (CW) "No, I'm not seeing anything drastically different so far" [Oh, wait is that a COMMODORE logo on the back of her tablet PC?] [PW is getting into his truck when a voice gets his attention off screen] "Psst Philip!" (PW turns to see an oldfashioned mailbox next to his apartment mailbox slots) "Agent Scott?" (KS, peeking through the mailbox slot) "Yes. I hope I caught you at the right time. There's something you need to know about Cassie. [ hands PW a folded piece of paper] Take this information and make of it what you will." (PW reads the paper, and then) "Oh wow" (JA is looking at dresses at a store; to herself) Phooey I can't decide which dress to go with, and I can't buy both. [She turns, has a surprised look, and sees CW holding a dress] Quelle Surprise! (out loud) "Cassie? [CW is somewhat surprised, and is holding a red dress... Wait a minute, have we seen that dress before?] Hello! So good that you're here!" (CW, who is rather uncertain) "Ummm Hi!" (JA) "Hey, could you help me decide on a dress? Which one would you think looks better on me?" (CW) "I'd say the purple one!" (JA, turning to put the other dress away) "Thank you so much! Au revoir, Cassie!" (CW) "You're welcome!" (JA, to herself as she's walking out of Turner-Fenton Clearance Center?) Hmmm I don't think she recognized me at all! (CW from 2007 with her Santa hat on and a gift-wrapped present for BG under her arm to herself as she activates her time machine in the background) I guess that's

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someone I meet after 2007 [Confused? Go WAY back to strip 27.] CASSIE'S BUCKET LIST "#21) Show up in an 'oldschool' Beastie Boys video." [1986; the chorus part of the song, "You Gotta Fight For Your Right To Party"; CW is holding a beer bottle behind Ad-Rock (Adam Horovitz), the late MCA (Adam Yauch) and Mike D (Mike Diamond), as MCA is yelling into the phone.] (CW is at a bar, somewhere in the Dallas Metroplex, dressed in "goth" attire) "Hi, Marzie! Love the new hair color!" (Marzie, bartender in blue hair) "Thanks, Babe. Haven't seen you at Goth Night in a long while!" [Blonde girl and a gothy brunette Roomie and Ramona from "Get a Roomie" are in the foreground] (CW, over an exterior shot of the bar) "I know, I've been super-busy. Still, I've never seen this place so packed!" (Marzie) "Yeah, you can thank the whole sparkly vampire craze for that. [ to CW at the bar, as Roomie approaches from right for a drink] Makes me yearn for the days when the noobs were crazy over Robert Smith." (CW) "Ha! I hear ya!" (Roomie, who is, of course, clueless but still clothed) "Robert Smith? Who's he?" (Marzie, handing her a bottle of beer) "Ugh. I feel like such an old fart." (CW) "You need some Cure CD's, missy! (to Marzie) I actually met Robert Smith once Really cool guy!" (Marzie, getting CW a beer on tap) "Oh WOW! When was this?" (CW) "Not too long ago For ME, anyway." [1981; a bar in England; CW doesn't look all that great] (CW, in unkempt black hair and her eyes black and muddied) "Sorry about my face, some @$$hole splashed me with his car a few minutes ago!" (RS) "You look okay to me!" (to himself) Hmmm That could be the new style I'm looking for! (CW hears a familiar FZZZT, and turns to see herself from the future) "Oh, hey! What're you doing here?" (FCW, pulling out a gun from her purse) "I've been sent back in time to kill you." BANG SCREEECH [The bullet sits there, hanging in mid-air] (CW, shaking and sweating) "WHAT THE %X" (FCW) "It's a hologram! Ain't that the coolest??? I've been waiting 40 years to pull that one on you!" [A "Looper" joke, by the way] [Moment Of Truth] [World2; CW and PW are meeting in an open area of the "game"] <NCDFW> Oh Philip, where are yoooou? <P78TX> Right here, Cass! Whatcha doing? [CW is at her computer] <NCDFW> Nothing much, really just hanging around the house, doing a little laundry. You? <P78TX> Just out and about, making my rounds. [In world, from CW's POV] <P78TX> Say, can we go someplace private? <NCDFW> Hmmmm what have YOU got up your sleeve, sneaky boy? [CW at her computer] <P78TX> Well, it depends on what you're willing to do and what's available at our destination <NCDFW> Oooh, sounds kinky! :) [World2]<*** Warping to Dickinson 92,7,150***> [NCDFW and P78TX are standing on a balcony overlooking a virtual seascape] <NCDFW> This is a nice looking place to talk. <P78TX> Cool, cuz I've got some big news. [CW types on her computer]<NCDFW> And that is? <P78TX> I got promoted to a supervisor position in our Fort Worth office. I'm moving here! <NCDFW> WOOHOO! I'm so happy for you!!! [ The two are looking back over the balcony which TMO admits was lifted from the Lindenverse] <P78TX> Thanks! Isn't it wonderful? No more of this long-distance-relationship crap! <NCDFW> You're gonna move in with me, right? Mi casa es su casa! [CW is looking at her screen] <P78TX> Well, before we discuss that there's something else. (CW, to herself VERY quietly) Huh? [World 2 and things just got real] <NCDFW> Something else? What something else? <P78TX> Well, we've known

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each other off and on for 4 years, we love each other immensely, and I've enjoyed every moment we've had together. [CW is a bit concerned at this development] <NCDFW> Wait a minute. NO! This is all wrong! <P78TX> What's the matter, Cass? <NCDFW> If this is what I THINK it is, we should be talking about this face to face IN PERSON!!!! <P78TX> Then open your front door. ;) [CW gives her screen a blank look; we see her open her front door, and PW is there, laptop in hand, his pickup parked in front of CW's Miata and he's holding a RING in the other hand, on one knee!] [Oh, by the way, happy 5th Anniversary, TLT!] [CW is STUNNED for three rounds!] (PW, still on one knee, laptop in one hand, engagement ring in right ) "So, how about it. Cassie Wells Will you marry me?" (CW is still STUNNED, then, happily) "Yes." [They kiss on the front steps; meanwhile PW has set down the laptop] <HugNinjaHope> [from Alone In A Crowd] Uh, what happened? Did she say yes? <DentonDabbler> [ from Grrl Power] Hey Phil! Give us an update!!! (CW is admiring her new ring) "It's so gorgeous and it fits PERFECTLY! How did you know my ring size?" (PW) "Ohh, a little bird told me [turns to the "birdbath" right behind him] What up, bird!" (KS) "Now YOU can quickly spot me? Sigh- You two were made for each other. Okay, so. Later today I overhear Cassie talk to Bethany about a disastrous proposal Philip did [emerging from the "birdbath"] How the ring was too small, and in trying to pull it off, Philip fell over and broke his laptop. Then Cassie mentioned her ring size. So I took it upon myself to go back to when Philip started ringshopping [See strip 566], and give him the vital information!" (CW) "That would've been real horrible But kinda funny!" (PW, eyes rolling) "Yeah, thanks for sparing me the embarrassment!" (KS) "Just think of it as my engagement present to the both of you!" (CW is looking at her engagement ring) "Uh, wait a second, guys Why is my engagement ring starting to tighten on me?" (KS suddenly realizes something): Oh $#!+, we must've negated the ring size conversation!" (PW, closing his eyes and holding his head): "OW My head hurts" (KS) "Quick! Cassie, I need your ring size!" (CW, even as the ring starts to cut off circulation) "FIVE!" (KS, quickly tapping on his iPhone) "Okay I'm gonna set my email to send a message to myself in an hour. My past self should still get it and DONE!" [Ring goes from being WAY too small to just right!] (CW) "That was close!" (PW) "That was weird" (KS) "Yeah, just one of those weird time travel issues!' (BG is THRILLED to hear the news!) "EEEEE!!! Oh how EXCITING! So, have you set a date yet?" (CW, showing off the ring) "Not yet But one thing's for certain, you're my FIRST choice for main of honor!" (BG) "Awww, thanks But doesn't the maid of honor have to do all the planning for the wedding? I'm getting dizzy just thinking about it" (CW) "Chill out! You won't have to do much. Nicki can handle all the mundane details!" (ND, who has joined the conversation) "You'll be please to know that I do have much experience in this area. I planned a wedding for my previous owner's daughter!" (CW) "See? All you have to worry about are things like approving designs and getting your dress! That's it!" (BG) "What would we ever do without her?" (CW) "Doing what every other wedding party would be doing and losing our minds in the process!" (ND) "Just call me 'Bridezilla Repellant'!" (CW, snuggled up on PW's lap on her couch) "I love you, sweetie." (PW) "I love you, Cass." (CW) "I'm so glad you're here now." (PW) "Same here Though I still gotta get the rest of my stuff out of my place in Lubbock, of

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course." (CW) "Plenty of room for all of it here! This house has been way too empty since Beth left." (PW, who isn't looking behind the couch) "So do you think we'll stay together until we're old and wrinkly?" [ CW turns to see a familiar face FCW, who is nodding as another person stands behind her: Future Philip Webber!] (CW, looking innocently at PW) "I think we have a pretty good shot at it." CASSIE'S BUCKET LIST "#22) Make up a holiday in the past and hope it catches on." [1853, We're back in ol' Nagel Gorge for the Cattle Bell Festival!] (CW, clanging her cowbell) "It's CATTLE BELL DAYYYY!!!" [PW isn't all that enthusiastic, but the jug band guys behind her look thrilled] [A hot air baloon above Boston; CW, PW and ND are coasting along above the skyline] (CW) "What a breathtaking view of Boston!" (PW) "Yeah though I'd like to see it before all the sprawl!" (CW) "Well, the time window should work up here But point it away from the balloon first!" (ND) "Over there, into the wind, would be the optimum position." (PW) "Alrighty [the time window opens] Wow, that's unbelieva... [an arrow suddenly appears out of nowhere!] $#!+!!! Who the hell would be shooting arrows in 1840's Boston???" (CW is looking up at the hole in the canopy) "There goes our security deposit" (ND uses her extend-a-reach) "I got it!" [1845; Meanwhile, an erstwhile gentleman looks up with bow in hand] (Henry Wadsworth Longfellow) "Hmmm [ takes out a notebook from his coat and writes:] I shot an arrow into the air it fell to earth, I know not where. (MG) "Wait a minute Why do you need to hoard 'Twinkies'? You can go back to any point in the past if you want them!" (CW, who is holding eight boxes of the golden goodies in her hands) "Capitalism, my friend. Boxes are already going for 30-40 bucks on 'eBay'! And yes, I got these before the big 'going-out-of-business' announcement." (BG, who is inspecting one of the 15 other boxes of Twinkies on a table) "You think anyone's gonna notice the expiration dates on these boxes?" (CW, while MG munches on a Twinkie in the background) "The question is not 'Will they notice', Bethany. It's 'Will they even care'." [1622; a Thanksgiving Feast with the Pilgrims] (Pilgrim Female 1, who is holding a plate of what's left of a carved bird) "What a magnificent dinner!" (PW) "I'm stuffed, that's for sure!" (CW) "Everything was delectable!" (Pilgrim Male) "What shall we do next?" (Pilgrim Female 2) "Your friend Matthias said he had something for the natives" (CW and PW, to themselves) Uh-oh (MG, beside an eye-rolling BG) "Okay, ladies and gentlemen Here's a little tribal dance!" [Cue a line of native Americans doing Psy's "Gangnam Style"???] [Alma Matters] [Sad Rodney is sadly sitting at his desk, his UT diploma on the wall, his Bevo bobblehead next to his nameplate, his head cradled in hands with a slight mustache? Must be Movember] (CW, walking into his office) "Mornin', Rodney! [she turns to leave, then realizes RO hasn't moved or said anything in response and notices something] Suffering from 'Aggie Withdrawal'?" (RO) "It's like having a brother you've lived with, picked on and fought with all your life and all of a sudden he moves to Europe." [RO is conversing with CW and MHO in the breakroom of TerCon about Texas-Texas A&M] (RO) "It just sucks, man! We were always at each other's throats, but it was always civil and fun! And now greed and politics, on both sides, have torn all that $#!+ apart!" (CW) "Well, my brother Patrick's an Aggie, so he might be in the same boat as you. And since Philip's going back to Lubbock this

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weekend to get his stuff, how about we go visit Patrick in Houston?" (MHO) "Sounds good to me!" (RO) "That could be fun!" (CW) "He and his girlfriend might be feeling a little sad for not having the Horns to kick around, so maybe we could all go commiserate at a bar somewhere!" (RO) "Then again, the Aggies have been doing real well in SEC Football, so there may not be much sympathy" [Note: Texas A&M handed Alabama their lone defeat on the season] (GS, wearing her pink A&M shirt) "I feel a bit empty. Like we threw out our favorite punching bag." (PatW) "Saw their tail off? Saw their tusks off? I just doesn't WORK anymore, dammit!" [Houston; exterior of PatW's Apartment] (PatW) "CASSHOLE!" (CW, with RO & MHO) "PAT-PRICK! Hey, these are my co-workers Rodney and Maggie Ostermayer! [inside Patrick's apartment] This is my brother Patrick, and there's his girlfriend" (GS) "Hi! Geri Shepardini. Nice to meet you!" (RO) "Howdy ma'am!" (MHO) "Rodney told me all about the rivalry between your schools. They're like two Irish brothers, that's for sure!" (CW) "Oh yeah, Rodney's on the 'other side'!" (GS) "T-Sip, huh? Mighty brave of you to come here!" (RO) "Hey, you want bravery One year I went and showed up at one of your bonfires, orange shirt and all! Almost got in a couple fights, but I had fun and even made a few new friends!" (PatW) "We still had a bonfire this year They put a little stuffed tiger [for Missouri] on top of it. Wasn't the same, though." (MHO) "Such weird customs" (CW, aside to MHO) "Still beats war, feudalism and swordfights, amirite?" [Exterior shot of a bar in downtown Houston] (PatW is describing his pre-Aggie life) "So after I graduated in 2005, I spent a couple years in the army. Most of that I served in Iraq. [GS, RO, MHO and CW are listening in on the conversation] Then I got into A&M through the 'GI Bill', and last year I got my BS in Industrial Engineering." (RO) "What a coincidence, I did some time in Iraqe too! Though as part of 'Desert Storm', mind you." (CW, to herself) "Desert Storm?" Wait a second (GS) "May, you guys had it easy! In and out, just a matter of days!" (RO) "Wasn't any less dangerous, that's for sure! Saddam's boys were always ruthless bastards!" (CW, teeth gritted, to herself) Just don't mention what happened after you got home pleeease (RO) "And you know what? Once I got back I hooked up with some girl named oddly enough Cassie! [Head smack in background] Turned out she was an Aggie, though" (CW, to herself, as MHO gives her a sidelong glance) Oh %Xing $#!+ [Apparently a few beers later, with GS, RO, CW and MHO] (CW, trying to change the subject) "Well, that was quite a strange coincidnece Who's up for pool?" (MHO, who may or may not be a bit tipsy) "Say, dear, this Cassie you slept with What did she look like? I'm curious!" (CW) "Oh my God Maggie, you do NOT wanna go there" (MHO, who is becoming more and more distrustful and ANGRY by the second) "No, seriously! Was she white? Maybe had light brown hair?" (RO, who is a bit uncertain) "Now that I think about it, she did look a lot like the Cassie we know but she wouldn't" [RO doesn't get the chance to point out the obvious before FISTS FLY! WHAP right in CW's midsection!] (MHO) "YOU %XING HOMEWRECKER BITCH!!!" (RO, who is shocked at this turn of events) "MAGGIE! You're drunk! That's NOT HER! STOP IT!" (MHO) "OH YEAH??? What if I told you she had a Time Machi- OOF!" [SMACK! Even Patrick can't believe this!] (CW VERY LOUDLY)

"SHUT THE %X UP!"

588 [Houston, we have a fight in progress!] (PatW) "CASSIE! BOTH OF YOU! STOP!!!" (Bartender, coming in from

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RO's side as CW and MHO are catfighting in the foreground) "HEY! TAKE IT OUTSIDE!" [MHO is being "directed" into a cop car by a police lady Officer Dina as the remaining three look on] (RO) "$#!+ What do we do now?" (GS) "We know where the jail is. Let's just meet 'em there." (RO, as they're walking away from the bar) "Did Maggie say something about a time machine? You think Cassie can do some kind of time travel thing?" (PatW) "I don't know, but she has been acting kinda mysterious lately. She left me a message once about how I owed her for something. You think maybe" [Enter a familiar "cop" from stage left] (KS, in his older policeman with sunglasses disguise) "Hey guys? You three need to take a quick sobriety test" [Harris County DT; both MHO and CW are sitting in what appears to be a holding area, with bars on a window.] (CW, consoling MHO with a hand on her shoulder) "Feeling any better, Mags?" (MHO, head in hands) "I feel terrible. In more ways than one. Im so sorry, Cassie. My temper got the best of me." (CW) "But you do understand that it all was completely accidental, right? That I had absolutely no intention of bedding Rodney?" (MHO) "I understand, Cass." (KS, removing his balding officer mask) "I hope you understand also that this can NOT happen again. I've cleared the other three's minds of your outburst, which would have caused Rodney and Patrick to question Cassie's integrity and trust and ultimately you ended up divorcing Rodney. [pointing at MHO] Now, I'm not one to break up happy marriages, but another infraction like this will get you banished to an undisclosed time period for life. Like Cassie said, her little tryst with Rodney was completely accidental. There never was any attraction to him. So I suggest you trust her in this matter. Got it?" (MHO) "Yes, sir." [A hotel in Houston, exterior shot as CW and RO are talking] (CW) "What a night." (RO) "I know, right? Three of us blackout for a few minutes, you two get in a barroom brawl over something" (CW, as RO is "escorting" a very overhung MHO through the door of their room) "Yeah, we all just need a good night's sleep at this point." (RO) "Maggie's well ahead of us there. Let me get her to the bed real quick [RO returns to talk to CW] That police officer seemed real nice. You said you knew him?" (CW, eyes rolled) "We used to work together, yes. [turning serious toward RO] Look, I don't know how this is gonna all play out between Maggie and me. But I hope that, no matter what happens, you won't think of me as anything but a good friend." [A pause as they look at each other, and then] (RO, teeth gritted like a certain OU grad back in 151 ) "Boomer Sooner?" [1971; The scene of a famous Christmas sing-along featuring Mr. and Mrs. John Lennon] (John Lennon, playing guitar while CW, Yoko Ono and four other children sing along) "A Very Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year. Let's hope it's a good one without any fear." [Seasons Greetings From The Overbecks] [NSFW] (CW is sitting and reading her iPad) Archimedes An influential Greek scientist, nicknamed "thekolimdostreke" after something an onlooker shouted at him during his naked run through [pauses] wait a minute "thekolimdostreke"? [angry look] Oh yeah... I forgot another Matt mishap [255 BC; Archimedes is streaking through the streets of Syracuse after discovering the principle that bears his name] (Archimedes) "EUREKA! EUREKA!" (CW, who doesn't remember this) "What the hell?" (MG, singing) "Oh yes they call him the streak!" (PW, at a table with CW, is looking at his watch at a NYE party) "Well, the new year's almost here." (CW) "Yep

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And we won't have to deal with those crazy same-numberdate guys anymore!" (PW) "At least not until 2022, anyway. And we'll still have to deal with those folks who'll be posting at 9:10 on November 12th, if you catch my drift!" (CW) "Heh Yeah." (PW) "You think people will still be obsessed over numbers and dates far into the future?" (CW) "Oh yes. I've seen it myself!" [2222; a rather strange looking gentleman is projecting the time and date holographically from his "glasses" as two others and CW look on] (23rd Century Guy) "Alright, it's February 22nd, it's 2:22, and it'll be 22 seconds in three two one BWAGEEAHH!" [2013 begins] [Just Checking!] [A familiar observation deck overlooking Manhattan; a time window appears on the left from 2009, perhaps?] [FZZZZT] (Past CW) "Everybody still here? [steps through the window] Welcome to 2013, folks. See? I told ya nothing would happen!" [And she did, too! Just go back to strip 267.] (JA shows off her singing skills and sword skills!) "Do you like my sword, sword, sword my diamond sword, sword" [JA is singing her version of "I Can Swing My Sword"; based on the Minecraft fan video of the same name; she's swinging her real sword, though, in her apartment] (CW, watching said video on her iPad with KS) "Well, it's been about two and a half years, but it looks like Joan's adjusted well to the modern world!" (KS) "Yyyyep" (JA, continuing in background) "Once I hit the floorboards but I had it reee-stored" (CW) "Nicki, I've always wondered this If you had the ability to feel love or lust, who do you think you'd be attracted to?" (ND) "That's an interesting request. Would I be attracted to humans or other robots?... Or both?" (CW) "Well, that doesn't matter. But I am curious as to which robots you would find attractive." (ND) "Since there's not many sentient robots right now in real life, I'll use some fictional robots. [thinking] Transformers and anime robots would probably be like the athletic and bodybuilding types to me. Plex from 'Yo Gabba Gabba' isn't as muscularlooking, but he'd still make a good father to my hypothetical kids. As for Pintsize, he can be a nasty little machine, but he'd be good for a one night stand. [ And the audience shudders] Data from 'Star Trek' would be interesting to date, especially if he installed his emotion chip. Maybe Zurg [Emperor Zurg from Buzz Lightyear] if I was into bad boys, or Ping [MegaTokyo] or Stephanie [Groovy, Kinda] if I was into other fembots." (CW) "Hmmm So Do you ever wish you had a wider range of emotions?" (ND) "After loading my database full of news and history I'm not really that interested." [ And no one would blame her.] [Decisions, Decisions] (CW, on her phone, outside in her backyard) "Hello? Hi, I was wondering if you have any dates still available in July or August for a wedding Uhhuh Cassie Wells Yes, I'd like to know the availability of your outdoor pavilion [pause of realization, then] Okay Can you hold on a second? Let me check something real quick [ opens up the time machine, inputs a few numbers, point and shoot and] [2013, July 27th and it's a BEAUTIFUL day for a wedding!] Hello? Yes, July 27th will be just fine" [Dad shows up at CW's place] (Dad) "Hey there, darlin'!" (CW) "Dad! Well, this is a surprise!" (Dad) "Just paing through to see how your big wedding's coming along!" (CW) "I've got a date and a location. That's pretty much it right now." (Dad) "Good! Well, when it's all over, just send me the bill for it. I'm sure you'll kepe it sensible." (CW, who probably has other plans) "What? NO, Dad, I can pay for it all" (Dad) "No, I insist! I've saved up especially for this occasion, and your mother's taken care of, so money's

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no object!" (CW, still not sure about this) "Wellll I guess it's okay" (Dad, patting her on the back) "Don't worry about nothin'. In fact, if there's that one major extravagance you want, I'll buy it! Horses, limo, ice sculpture [ Dad sees Mascus laying on the couch] Maybe a little tux for your, uh iguana there" (CW) "He's not an ig Um Never mind." (Mascus) "RAWWWWNK!" [CW and BG are shopping for dresses with Mimi and Thea from GWS in the background] (CW, looking at a strapless gown in the mirror) "Ehhh Nah. It's just not me. Too plain-Jane." (BG) "Well, even the plainest dresses get spruced up a little on the big day!" (CW, walking with BG as they go back to the changing room and Samantha from Safe Havens is looking at a dress in the foreground) "What do you mean?" (BG) "Well, you know that old saying 'Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue.'" (CW) "What's all that about?" (BG, thiking out loud) "The old symbolizes cotinuity with the past, the new for optimism and hope for the future The borrowed thing is from a married friend or relative, in the hope that their luck will carry over And blue used to be the color of love and purity." (CW, who now has on a single-strap gown) "Can I please go back in time and kick the living crap out of whoever made these stupid traditions???" (BG) "Ooh, there's no telling how many years back luck that would bring ya" [1996; Suite 600 of a building, in Los Angeles, perhaps?] (Monique) "Hi, are you Billie Preston?" (CW, who knows EXACTLY who she's dealing with) "Yes, you must be Monique! My friends referred me to you, and I must say you have some fabulous wedding dresses!" (Monique) "Oh, you're too kind! I just started doing bridal gowns this year. I really haven't made a lot of them" (CW, pulling something out of her purse) "Well, I definitely love what I've seen so far [handing her a stack of cash] and I have two thousand bucks with your name on it if you'll make something wonderful for me!" (Monique, aka Monique Lhuillier, wedding dress designer for the stars in the future, of course) "Sounds like a deal! Let's get started!" [2013](BG) "YOU? Skimping on a wedding dress?" (CW, holding the dress in a clothes bag) "Well I'd hardly call a couple thousand dollars 'skimping.' Besides, my dad insists on paying for everything, so I might as well get the most famous-name bang for my buck!" [The irony is lost on BG, as JA might attest to back in 567 or is that strip 27?] [1876; CW is talking to inventor Alexander Graham Bell about his newest invention as PW and MG "play" with his contraption in the background] (CW) "You know, Mister Bell, I have a feeling that your new machine here will inspire millions of different songs to be written about it!" (MG, into the "mic" on the right) "WHASSUUUUP!!!" CASSIE'S BUCKET LIST "#23) Climb Mount Rushmore before the facelift." [1922; PW and CW are on the face of the mountains known as the "Eight Grandfathers", both are bundled up] (PW, looking around with a binoculars) "So Any idea where we're at?" (CW) "I think this area eventually becomes Teddy's mustache" [The Best Laid Plans] [CW is visiting Dad at home in Tyler] (Dad) "Well, hi Cass, what brings you here?" (CW, walking through the front door) "I'm gonna put together a photo collage for the reception entrance. I hope you don't mind me raiding the photo albums!" (Dad, a bit concerned as they pass the family photo on the wall) "That's fine, but, uh when was the wedding again?" (CW) "It's July 27th, and it's gonna be at this beautiful place out between Dallas and Tyler. I was pretty lucky to get it. There was only one open spot left this year. But it's got a gorgeous gazebo, a

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lovely forest backdrop, a huge banquet hall for the reception [suddenly noticing Dad's look] Dad? What's wrong?" (Dad, hand on her shoulder) "There's a good chance that your mother won't be in attendance." [Dun-dun-DUNNNNNN...] (Dad, explaining the bad news to CW) "The doctors have done everything they could. They're now giving her three months to live, at most." (CW, facepalming) "-Sigh- I refuse to accept this. I need to talk to her." (Dad, who probably remembers last time) "Cassie, she" (CW, who is crying and is VERY upset) "I know what you said, dad but dammit, this is my wedding. It's supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life! [wiping away a tear as she walks away from Dad] And it definitely won't be if mom doesn't make it! I deserve at least one more chance to try and get her to do something!" (Dad, off screen as CW looks in on Mom, lying in bed) "Well, good luck to ya" (CW) "Mom?" (Mom) "Hi sweetie. I'm so sorry it had to come to this." (CW) "Mom what if I told you that I kn ew a special kind of therapy that would give you more time?" (Mom) "Cassie That would be very nice of you. But I had a horrible time going through chemo and radiation. And it didn't do me any good anyway. At this point I just want it all to be over. I'm tired of suffering through this." (CW) "But how about this And I'm just being hypothetical here What if I had a time machine, and I could go to the future and instantly cure your cancer?" (Mom) "-Sigh- You always had such a wild imagination" (Mom) "I know what you're thinking. Please don't change your plans because of me, Cassie. The last thing I want to do is ruin my daughter's wedding. I'll be there in spirit, at least." (CW, who's getting a bit frustrated) "If you just knew what I could really do to help" (Mom) "There's nothing you can do, dear. I'm leaving it in the Lord's hands now. It may or may not be His time to take me." (CW, who's starting to cry now) "Mom Please" (Mom) "But even if I could go into the future for a cure, I'd just be cheating God at that point." (CW) "GOD DOES NOT OWN YOU, DAMMIT!!!" [CW covers her mouth and can't believe what she just said to her own mother!] [CW is holding her mouth, not believing what she just said] (Mom, who is NOT happy and you know what they say about that) "How DARE you. GET OUT." [CW leaves with her face in her hands, shaking] (Dad) "Cassie, what happ-" (CW, who we see is crying, too) "I'm going home. Goodbye, Dad." (outside, as she is leaning in silhouette against the side of her Miata in the dark, to herself) And goodbye, mom. I can't %Xing do this anymore. (PW, greeting CW as she arrives home and seeing that she's been crying) "Cassie, you alright? What happened?" (CW) "I must've cried the whole trip back home. Philip, I just %Xed EVERYTHING up." (PW, hugging her) "Nothing doing, huh? I'm so sorry, dear." (CW) "It's okay. I need to just let go of this. As much as I hate it, Mom's a lost cause now. [looking up at her] I'm just gonna end up wrecking myself emotionally if I try and do anything else about this $#!+. And I don't want that. You don't want that. So at this point, whatever happens, happens." (PW) "Maybe you can get the video of the wedding and then go back and show it to your mom just before she dies?" (CW) "You know, I just love your fourth-dimensional thinking sometimes." [PW and CW are doing a little "sing along"](PW) "Boy the way Van Halen played" (CW, wearing glasses as she plays the keyboard) "Video games in mall arcades" (PW) "Guys like us, we had it made" (Both) "Those were the dayyys" (CW, over an exterior shot of her house) "And

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you knew where you worked thennn" (PW) "Jobs were here and not Shenzhennn" (Both) "Mister we could use a man like Ronald Reagan againnn" (PW) "Didn't need Facebook updates" (CW) "Everybody pulled less weiiiight" (Both) "Gee, our old Trans Am ran greaaat THOOOSE WERRRE THEEE DAYYYS!!!" [Cue the canned applause] (PW) "So you really think someone's gonna reboot 'All in the Family', huh?" (CW) "Hey, they're throwing any old show at the wall these days!" (MG, on the phone with CW) "Hey Cassie, I'm about to go get my tux. Which store did Philip pick for us?" (CW, over the phone) "Actually, he didn't register anywhere. We decided that the guys could just wear a basic black tuxedo and a black bowtie. Nothing fancy. [ CW is laying on her couch with Mascus on her lap] So it doesn't matter where you go for the tux, as long as it's a reputable place." (MG) "Hmmm Well, in that case, can I borrow your time machine?" (CW) "And why would you need that?" (MG) "Well, I heard from Bethany about how you got a sweet deal on a Lhuillier gown, so I figured" (CW) "You figured you'd try and outdo me?" [1964; MG's being fitted for a tux at a "reputable place" in New York City] (Bill Blass) "How does that look, sir?" (MG) "Excellent, Mister Blass! Well worth the 80 bucks!" [Paradise Losers] [CW and PW are watching a protest on TV] <Faceless protester 1> "MARRIAGE EQUALITY!" <Faceless protester 2> "ADAM AND EVE, NOT ADAM AND STEVE!!!" (PW) "Ugh I hate these Neanderthals. Let the gays marry already!" (CW) "Yeah Though my mom would be one of the 'Adam and Eve' chanters, no doubt about it. [The two are seated on CW's couch] I never did take that literally, anyway." (PW) "I know All of humanity descending from only two people? That's just too far-fetched to me." (CW) "Especially with all our different skin colors!" (PW) "And while living in such a paradise, you can eat all these wonderful fruits and nuts and what have you" (CW) "except for this one tree of fruit in the middle of the whole place! Hands off!" [Pause as both look at each other] (PW) "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" (CW) "That it would be an interesting way to spend a vacation?" (CW, sitting on PW's lap on the couch) "So what do you think about trying to live like Adam and Eve for a couple of weeks?" (PW) "Sounds like a good challenge! [ points at her] But if we do this, we gotta go all the way. Use the time machine to go back to before humans even existed." (CW) "And then we just forget the time machine. We stash that away somewhere until we're ready to go back." (PW) "Right. We gotta do this 'Survivorman' style. We don't take anything with us." (CW) "No tents, no blankets, no water containers, no entertainment devices [pointing up at him with a mischievous look] and no clothes at all, either. We do this completely naked." (PW) "Whoa That's definitely 'all the way'." (CW, entering as PW is seated at the kitchen table with coffee) "Okay, I've pinpointed exactly when and where to go for our little Adam-and-Eve experiment. There's a veritable garden of Eden that was around 60 million years ago near Wichita Falls." (PW) "So you scoped this out ahead of time?" [60,293,241 BC; the number, by the way, is 60 million plus the ages of each of the members of TMO's family; CW is looking around the area with time machine in hand] (CW, off-screen) "Yep! There's plenty of vegetation and a little river nearby. It's right after the dinosaurs all died off, and in this period it'll be untouched by any kind of beasts that could harm us." (PW, off-screen) "Cool! I hope we're up to this!" (CW, tapping on her iPad) "Now all we need to do is book a hotel room there. We'll need the right floor to enter at the proper elevation." (PW)

"The right floor?" (CW) "Remember the continents were in different spots millions of years ago. Where Wyoming is now might've been in the middle of an ocean then." (PW, who wasn't there for the search for Mascus) "I'm guessing you learned that the hard way, huh" [NOTE: Strips 614-623 are ALL NSFW] 614 [Exterior of a hotel in Wichita Falls, present day. Voiceover of CW and PW in their hotel room] (CW) "Ready?" (PW) "Ready!" (CW, who is naked, as we can see from her backside) "Here goes nothing!" (PW, who is also naked as they look into the "garden" in the time window) "No pun intended, right?" [60,293,241 BC] (CW) "It's a bit warmer than usual, but there shouldn't be any nasty surprises!" (PW) "Yep, and it's only a little warmer than we're used to!" (CW) "I'm gonna wrape the time machine in leaves and place it inside this tree." [Boy, that sounded like a good idea at the time.] (PW, down on his knees) "And I'll line up these rocks to mark our entry point, so we'll know where to go back! [PW is now standing next to CW as they're walking around] It sure does look like paradise!" (CW) "This shouldn't be much a probl YEOWWW!" [Stars of pain shoot from CW's bare foot as she sits down] (PW) And there's our first problem Our feet are not conditioned for this." 615 [60293241 BC; CW is laying on ground covered by leaves, while PW enters with more in hand] (CW, laying on her front) "Hopefully this'll be comfortable enough for both of us." (PW) "Yay for big-ass leaves! [Is that a PUN, Mr. Webber?; next scene is him doing the old rubbing sticks and flint routine] And we have flames! All my years in Boy Scouts have indeed paid off!" (CW, looking on from the side) "Good, we can cook some of this stuff now! I wonder what kind of fish are in the river" (PW, a realization suddenly dawning on him) "Oh yeah, we'll have to catch 'em with our bare hands, won't we" (CW) "Let's find some more sticks to keep the fire going. You never know what's gonna [RUMBLE] happen." [And the rain falls] (PW, a little drenched) "I guess this wasn't when you did your preliminary check?" (CW, who's looking all wet in more ways than one) "Note to self: NEVER skip a day in my observations!" 616 [60293241 BC; CW is in the water up to her thigh, looking back at PW] (CW) "The water's a bit cool, but at least it's not shockingly cold!" (PW) "If there's any acacia or yucca plants around, we could use that as soap!" (CW, pointing at some rock downstream) "Now remember This is where we're bathing. NO $#!++!NG IN THE WATER unless you're past those rocks!" (PW, standing next to her) "Gotcha! [PW sneaks up behind CW, fondling her] Oh, and speaking of 'gotcha'" (CW) "Mmmm You're getting quite frisky there, mister." (PW) "Well, I say we should enjoy each other's company now, since it won't be long before our lack of shaving makes certain things less desireable." (CW, who just realized what that meant) "Ouch. Good point." 617 [60293241 BC; CW is munching on something that looks like a banana while PW is doubled over, sitting on a rock] (CW) "Are you okay???" (PW) "It's been what, a couple days? I don't think this extreme-organic diet is agreeing with me ughh..." (CW) "Oh crap, I guess the Omnimmline injection wasn't enough!" (PW) "It's okay I'm sure it was based on known diseases." (CW) "Yeah, whatever crud is going around here was probably extinct by modern times!" (PW) "No doubt [springing up and sprinting] OH$#!+I'MGONNASQUIRT" (CW, who's no longer sure this was a good idea) "Sweetie? We can just go back now if you want to!" (PW) "No, I can stick it out for a few more days GANGWAY!!! [off-screen, thankfully: SPLUT] $#!+ I'm not gonna make it to the

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river" (CW, doing the first facepalm in 60 billion years) "Aw, Philip %XING HELL" [60293241 BC; CW and PW are laying on their "pad" of leaves] (CW, who's looking a little raw and it appears there's been bug bites) "It's been a week now I think." (PW, who isn't looking so good as he lays on his side) "I feel so mangy. And my @$$ is raw from all the liquid $#!+$." (CW, crawling up onto PW) "I've got insect bites and rashes all over." (PW) "I'm sure I've got some kind of exotic infection. I hope to God my immune system can handle it. We're such the picture-perfect image of Adam and Eve, right?" (CW) "Yeah, this is the stuff the writers of 'Genesis' just skimmed over. If anything, they were definitely more rugged than we could ever be!" (PW, rolling over and shaking his fist) "All those paintings LIED to us!" (CW, looking at him) "I'd give Michelangelo a piece of my mind, but I'm sure he didn't want to piss off the Vatican!" [60293241 BC; CW and PW look a bit different; guest art by Vas Littlecrow Vojtanowicz for an April Fool's "gag"] (PW, standing) "Can we agree that we're done with this now?" (CW, as they walk back through the "garden" together) "Yeah, let's get back to good old civilizaiton!" (PW, arm around her) "Back to comfortable clothing and disease-free cooked food!" (CW in profile; you can see the bites and marks on her face) "Back to razors, medicine and %Xing AIR CONDITIONING!" (PW, who is just as bad looking at the moment) "I just wanna dip my whole body into a hydrocortisone bath!" (CW, pointing off to the left) "There's the line of stones. We're back to the entry point!" (PW) "Now let's grab the time machine and return to 2013 already!" (CW, incredulous as PW looks on over her shoulder) "Ummm What the %X happened to the time machine???" [Dun-dun-DUNNNNNN...] [60293241 BC; Wichita Falls, we have a problem: the time machine is MISSING!] (CW, looking off to the right, searching for the machine) "I hope a bird didn't fly away with it" (PW, picking it up out of the mud) "Here it is! Some creature must have dragged it out of the tree! [ The machine doesn't look very good] And it looks like they didn't like the taste of it." (CW, frantically trying to get the machine to open a time window) "Come on, come ON %X!!! It's NOT WORKING!!!" (PW, suddenly realizing the situation) "And we don't have any way of fixing it We're stuck here" (CW, pointing at him) "Actually, no I did leave a message saying we went to this particular time, and to come get us if we never showed back up." (PW, who isn't thrilled with this information) "Oh great! Bethany, Matt, or even Agent Scott gets to look at our hairy, filthy, naked bodies" (CW, who's a bit miffed) "That's the least of our worries right now!" (PW, who's looking at the leaves they were using as blankets) "Well, I guess we can make some loincloths our of the big@$$ leaves... So how long before they show up?" (CW, thinking) "Okay Let's see Seven the 20th [embarrassed smile as she realizes the answer] "I um told them five days from now." [60293241 BC; Things have gotten worse in Paradise; CW and PW are laying on their leaf bed, though CW is visibly upset] (PW) "Cassie? I'm not mad. I still love you." (CW, eyes shut) "Ecch. Don't look at me." (PW) "You're not gonna scare me away, dear. You're too sexy for that." (CW, curled up in the fetal position) "You're not supposed to see hairy armpits on me! UGH I feel like $#!+." (PW) "Well you know what? Even in this condition I still wanna %X you!" (CW) "SERIOUSLY? I am SO not in the mood Philip!" (PW) "YOU? Miss Overactive Libido?" (CW, staring off, still in the fetal position) "That was eleven days ago. When I could still shave and wash my hair

and all that! [kneeling] And even if I did get boned by a caveman, I was still freshly groomed oh $#!+" (PW, suddenly concerned) "What? What???" (CW) "I gotta get to [SPLUT] AGGHHH! I'MSORRY I'MSOSORRY" (PW, sitting up and covered with brown all over his crotch) "Well, that desires' gone ulp I'm gonna puke" [TMO: "That's right, I just went there. Yep, Cassie splashed some mud on Philip. That's my story and I'm stickin' to it."] 622 [60293241 BC; the unhappy couple are on their bed of leaves] (CW, laying on PW) "I forgot how long we've been away How long until someone shows up" (PW, who doesn't look too good) "-Cough- Can we even last another day here?" (CW) "I'm sorry, sweetie. This was a complete wreck and I think I've just doomed us both" (PW) "Hey, there's nothing to be sorry about. This was still a great experience, even if it did blow up in our faces. [looking up] And even if we both died here, this is a nice, pleasant place to die in!" (CW, who apparently has a slight case of amnesia, since she doesn't remember her "great-grandma" self) "Heh heh! Cough- At least we'd make for an interesting "Unsolved Mysteries" episode!" (PW, looking down at her) "Well, I think we'll see someone we know soon I don't think they'll let us end up in any serious trouble!" [CW didn't hear him, because she's looking off at the backside of someone who's looking in on BOTH of them! Dun-dun-DUNNNNNN...] 623 [60293241 BC; A stranger has emerged from the shadows a dark-skinned woman with blonde hair???] (PW) "Um Cassie? Weren't humans supposed to not be around for another 38 million years?" (CW, who has her hand raised in the universal symbol of "no harm") "Oh crap Who is she??? You think she's hostile?" [No, she's just "heavily augmented"] (ND) "Silly people, don't you know the REAL Eve when you see her? Okay, actually this is a more recent depiction of Eve" [Or at least the webcomic "Of Snakes and Apples" version of Eve] (PW) "Wait a sec That voice" (CW) "NICKI!!! Are so glad to see YOU!" (PW) "I'm just glad it was you who found us and not Agent Scott!" (ND, opening a handy-dandy cooler from her torso) "Here, have a nutrient drink! (handing it to CW) I got the text message from Cassie about the experiment. And when you two didn't come back at the time you proposed, I went to Wichita Falls and started my search." (CW, as PW downs his nutrient drink) "You didn't have to make all those changes to you appearance, though Wow!" (ND) "It's really no big deal. My hair and skin are easily customizable, and clothing was obviously not a concern." (PW) "Okay, well, can we get the %X out of here now???" (ND, turning and activating her internal time machine) "Sure! That row of stones was your original entry point, right?" (PW) "Yes! That'll get us back to our hotel room!" (CW, her snarkiness returning) "Hmmm I'm kinda tempted to leave cave drawings" [NSFW strips end here] 624 [Back to the future and a hotel room in Wichita Falls; PW is shaving as CW has a towel wrapped around her, fresh out of the shower] (CW, still sporting a few bug bite marks on her shoulder) "Ahh It feels so good to be clean and clean-shaven again!" (PW) "Same here! Of course, I don't shave as much" (ND, who is clothed but still dressed as Eve from OSAA) "Would you like me to revert to my previous appearance?" (CW, clothed in the living room of the suite) "Uh Yeah, how about you go ahead and do that! This is cute, but I want my 'Not-Vicki' back!" (PW, holding his iPhone as ND WHRRR's back to her "actual" self in the background) "I say we order pizza, or go eat at a nice restaurant while we're here!" (CW, holding what's left of the old time machine) "And let's find a new cell phone!

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I've been meaning to upgrade my time machine mechanism, anyway!" (PW) "Speaking of cell phones, you got a voicemail message" (KS, on the message) Cassie, it's Agent Scott Can someone please explain to me why we suddenly have eighty new animal species??? (CW) "Ooopsieeee" (PW, next to a now "reverted" ND) "I guess a little DNA goes a long way!" [Happy Earth Day Again! TerCon front desk] (BG) "HAHAHAHAAA!" (CW) "What's up with you?" (BG) "I'm just reading the latest 'Diesel Sweeties' before we open... Pete is such an @$$! Yeah, but all men can be @$$3$, right?"[a] (CW) "Yes, and us women behave perfectly![b] Rodney, comment?"[c] (RO) "Hey now, some of my best friends[d] and Wanda[e] can be complete @$$3$!" (BG) "Well, of course! You're such a lying, backstabbing @$$#0|3!" (RO) "Hey, I'm definitely not an @$$#0|3!"[f] (CW, as she closes one eye)[g] "Oh come on now I've seen you cheat your co-workers, swindle our clients, and use up all the paper towels!"[h] (RO, wandering off-screen) "Well, I hate to let the fax get in the way of a good story, but I'm hearing the fax machine"[i] (BG) "We still have a fax? I think it's 1985 calling and they want their technology back!"[j] (CW) "What is this, a vacuum tube company???[k] I may go out for lunch today. What would you like Pizza? Barbeque? Chicken? Barbeque Chicken Pizza?"[l] (BG) "Oh yeah, let's do 'Domino's!' I've got a coupon and I'm not afraid to use it![m] [pause] Oh wait Hahaha! The fax! Good story! I just got that![n] (CW, to Rodney) "Is that fax for one of us?" (RO) "Yeah What's the 'TV Tropes Foundation' and why are they telling us to SHUT THE %X UP?" [And it would be at the 14 various points in today's strip that a good Troper would put in the appropriate link to a page on TV Tropes. Here, though, we'll just go through the list: a. Jerkass (with a touch of "All men are perverts") b. Double Standard c. One-scene Wonder (and a bit of "Straight Man") d. Some of my best friends are X e. Token Minority (though it doesn't fit, considering Bethany) f. List of Transgressions g. Aside Glance/Eye Take h. Arson Murder And Jaywalking i. Just for Pun j. X called. They want their Y back k. What is this, X? l. Bread, Eggs, Breaded Eggs (though he uses three things here) m. I've Got An X And I'm Not Afraid To Use It n. Brick Joke/Late to the Punchline But we're not going to link to each of those Tropes here. We will, however, leave you with this: http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Webcomic/TimesLik eThis] [MG has CW's time machine] (MG) "Alrighty, Cassie, your time machine's fixed and better than ever!" (CW) "Yay! Thank you so much, Matt!" [Close-up of the new time machine] (MG) "It's now powered by the latest 'iPod Nano'. You push the button, and then you have the option of using the clock or the keypad." [Clock is analog, with a digital readout underneath with date and time, and a BC/AD button and an AM/PM button. There's a big red "activate" button, and the traditional white "select" button on the bottom.] (CW, off-screen) "Ooh Nice. I just hope this'll work for me in an emergency situation." (MG) "Well, here's the good part. You also have the option of holding the button down and telling it to open a window to a certain time! [Holds the machine up and speaks into it] I need a time window for one hour ago!" <Machine, speaking>

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Opening time window for 6:36 PM today. (CW) "Oh, way cool! I've got a time-travel 'Siri' now!" (MG, with a grin) "Yep. I almost named it 'Siggi'."[A reference to Ziggy from Quantum Leap; and yes, we know, the iPod Nano doesn't have a microphone. Deal with it.] (PW runs into a friend in downtown Dallas) "Connor Leyman! I had no idea you lived here!" (Connor) "Philly Phil! Yo, it's been a while, hasn't it" (PW, as they both sit down at a bar for a beer) "Now that I know you're in Dallas we should hang out more often!" (CL) "Yeah, I got your message. I'll be more than honored to serve as your best man!" (PW) "Thanks, dude!" [ Note: it's inferred that PW found out CL lived in Dallas, and that they know each other from high school/college.] (CL) "So tell me about this Cassie chick!" (PW, thinking of what to say) "Well, she's super cool super smart hot as hell great sense of humor [pause] and, well, let's just say that she's always there for me when things get rough." [understatement of the millennium and beyond] (CL) "Not many women like that You lucked out, bro!" "If Historical Figures Did Television Commercials" #12 [1865: CW and PW are visiting Munich and come across Richard Wagner after the first production of "Tristan & Isolde"] (Voiceover, singing) Here's to good friends tonight is kinda special (PW) "Excellent production, Herr Wagner!" (RW) "Thank you, sir!" (VO) The beer we'll pouuur must say something more somehow so toniiiight (CW) "Would you like to join us for a round of beers?" (RW) "I'd be delighted to!" (VO) Toniiiight Let it be Lowenbrau(PW, being served a tankard from a German barmaid) "I've always wanted to try a Lowenbrau beer Straight from the original brewery, no less!" (VO again, this time spoken) When you want the taste of a truly great German beer (CW, as PW sips on his tankard of beer) "I believe that 'Lohengrin' or one small part of it anyway will become wildly popular in America someday!" [That "small part" will probably be played at CW's wedding as it is known better as "Here Comes The Bride"] (RW) "It sounds hard to believe, but I'll take your word for it!" [Logo on bottom: Tonight, let it be Lowenbrau.] [A Means To An End] [TerCon meeting room; RO and Gordo are running through a presentation] (RO, pointing to the NanoCon13 logo the lowercase "n" is the body of a microscope) "Next item What are we promoting at the Nano-Con this year?" (Gordo) "Maybe the spy gear or the sports stuff?" (RO, off-screen) "I like the sports idea. We can show off the 'smart jumpsuit'. Who's gonna model that?" (CW, raising her hand weakly) "I guess I could" (Wanda, coming in from the door to the right) "Cassie, you have a call on line two." (CW) "Can they call me back, Wanda? I'm kinda busy." (Wanda) "Wellll I think you should take this one right now Caller I.D. says it's a long distance call from Tyler and they sounded distraught." [Dun-dun-DUNNNNNN...] (CW, thinking to herself as she reaches for the phone, eyes closed) Okay, Cassie This can only be bad news. Keep calm, try not to break down. [speaking into the phone] "Hello?" (Voice on the other end) "Cassie I'm so sorry Save me. I want to be healed." [That WASN'T what she was expecting!] (CW, collapsed and crying into the phone) "MOM!!!... Sniff OH MY GOD" (Gordo, peeking around the corner) "Uh You need some time off?" (Dad, who's somewhat surprised to see CW showing up in Tyler and doesn't even say anything about that "pendant" she's wearing) "I don't know what happened, but all of a sudden she had a change of heart." (CW) "Mom's willing to stick around. That's all that matters right now. [ passing the family photo in the background as she goes to Mom's

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bedroom] There's a doctor in New Mexico that's had some success with a special combination of therapies. It's a month-long deal, but she'll be back in time for the wedding." (Dad, who's not sure about this, but is willing at this point to try anything) "Well, if that's what it takes" (Mom, who's being helped into a wheelchair by CW) "Careful, dear I feel like I could fall apart any second." (CW) "Don't worry, we're gonna take good care of you. [talking to Mom as she's seated] I've got a plan that'll have you feeling better in no time and at the same time not arouse suspicion from anyone. First we'll get you some lifesaving medicine, then we'll take a little trip." (Mom, who's wondering about this as CW is wheeling her out of the house) "A trip?" (CW) "Just think of it as a spiritual healing retreat." (Dad) "Good luck, hon!" (Mom, who's somewhat surprised to see the "new driver" for her Care Courier Medical Transport) "Um You're not my usual caretaker." (KS, who looks spiffy in white scrubs) "We gave her the day off." (CW is talking to Mom, whose chair is secured in the back seat of the van, as KS is driving along) "Now that we're away from the house, first things first The cancer cure medication." (Mom, who's not believing what she's hearing) "Cancer cure?" (KS, who is turning the van off into an open field off the highway) "Yep Straight from the 23rd Century!" (CW) "The therapy in New Mexico is just a cover-up, really But it's still good for your body!" (KS, coming around from the driver's side of the van) "This should be the right spot." (Mom, in the wheelchair, looking up at CW) "Here in this open field?" (CW, who is activating the time machine) "Oh, it's an open field now [2211; It's definitely NOT an open field] But by 2211, 'The Galleria at Lindale' will be put here!" (Mom, looking up incredulously) "So you were serious about all that time traveling stuff!" (KS, pointing ahead) "There's the 'Symptomatic' Let's go, no time to lose!" [Mom who looks rather pregnant is watching TV next to a sleeping young CW sometime around 1988; the voices on the screen are somewhat familiar:](Voice 1) "What's the matter with you?" (Voice 2) "Kidney Dialysis." (Voice 2, who we should recognize from the quote is DeForrest Kelly as Leonard McCoy) "Dialysis? My God, what is this, the Dark Ages? [TV screen shows "Bones" pulling a pill out of his bag and giving it to the old lady on the gurney; the VCR sleeve for "Star Trek IV" is visible next to the VCR below the TV] Here Now you swallow that If you have any problems, just call me!" (Mom, patting the sleeping CW on her back) "Just think Maybe when you're an adult, they'll finally have instant cures for these bad diseases!" (McCoy, from the TV) "Come on, Chekov, wake up!" [2211; Meanwhile, back at the Galleria and its Ready Remedy booth] (Mom, who has her "Komenator" packet in hand) "Cassie you're the real McCoy." (CW, who hasn't seen "Into Darkness" yet) "Um Thanks!" [KS is probably wondering if he's going to have to zap Mom out of delirium] [The New Mexico Holistic Cancer Therapy clinic; CW is wheeling Mom into an adobe-style building] (CW, in shadow, as is Mom) "Let's meet the doctor and go through a couple of rounds of therapy before you take any more of the 'Komenator'." (Mom) "Right, I get it." (Doctor Vera Nivaldi) "Hi! I'm Vera Nivaldi. You can just call me 'Doctor Vera'." (Mom) "Carla Sue Wells. Nice to meet you!" (CW) "I'm Cassie, her daughter!" (Dr.VN, consulting a chart through reading glasses) "I've reviewed your records What should work best for you is a special organic and vegan diet, combined with some chemo and holistic therapy. [sitting down in an armchair to discuss things with Mom; CW is in another armchair listening]

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This should only last a few weeks. After that, you can go back to your normal diet, but with special vitamins." (Mom) "What's this holistic stuff?" (Dr.VN) "I use a combination of some Chinese practices, naturopathy and Buddhist meditation. Would you be comfortable with that?" (Mom, who isn't exactly "comfortable") "I guess I could give it a try." (Dr.VN, off-screen; she has apparently gotten up) "Great! I'll give you some pills to take tonight and we'll start therapy tomorrow morning!" (Mom, looking at her daughter with a sidelong glance) "I think we need to talk later" (Mom, without her "cap" seated on the Bed in her room at the clinic, to CW) "Cassie, dear?' (CW) "Yes, Mom?" "I just want to apologize." (CW) "Actually, I should be the one apologizing for that outbur-" (Mom) "No, not that. This goes much deeper. I let myself be blinded by my faith for all these years. My church encouraged us to be active in spirit, almost to the point of fanaticism. [Flashback to Mom, singing in church while holding a hymnal] And I took it to heart. I felt like I had no direction, no purpose when I joined. And they seemed to have all the answers. The church was very supportive, and I had good friends there. But I lost many other friends because of my attitude. [looking at CW] And these past few weeks, I did a lot of thinking, a lot of soul-searching. And I realize I've been too narrow-minded about God and Jesus and so on. I also realize I've hurt a lot of people I care about in the process. [starts crying as she hugs CW] I don't want to lose any more of them. I certainly don't want to lose you. Especially since you've done so much in trying to help me." (CW, hugging Mom with a smile) "It's okay I'm not going anywhere. You're my mother. Of course I'd do everything to help you. And you'd be amazed by all that 'everything' encompasses now." (Mom, who is VERY aware she has a time-traveling daughter) "I know It's scary." [Exterior of the Clinic; KS is explaining to Mom and CW about their "game plan" for the rest of her clinic stay] (KS) "Since Doctor Vera scheduled her therapies three times a week, we'll just skip ahead to those days and get everything over with sooner. And once we're ready to go back home, that's when we'll take the last dose of the cancer medicine. [KS is standing at the foot of the bed] You'll still have a bit of recuperating to do, but at least you'll have your life back!" (CW, standing in front of Mom) "AND you should be strong enough to attend my wedding!" (Mom, who is wearing a Texas Rangers Bower Clean Up Adjustable Cap to cover her "lack of hair") "Sounds good to me!" (CW, reaching down to hug Mom) "Take care of yourself I'll see you again soon! I love you, mom!" (Mom) "I love you sweetie. And thanks again!" (KS) "See you in a few weeks, Cass!" (Mom, aside to KS after she has left) "I kinda wonder Did Cassie ever use her time machine to get her younger kid self out of trouble with us?" [ meaning Marty McFly and the "burn down the drapes" thing] (KS) "I highly doubt it." CASSIE'S BUCKET LIST "#24) Go dancing on the edge of the Hollywoodland sign." [1934; PW and CW are dancing on the scaffolding of the "D" in the original "HOLLYWOODLAND" sign, with an ancient wind-up phonography playing in the background. Presumably it's a vinyl version of Hot Chelle Rae's song, "Tonight Tonight". The sign, by the way, was originally advertising in 1923 for a real estate development in the Hollywood Hills area of the Santa Monica mountains.] [A montage of wedding items, arrayed across the single panel of the strip:] A napkin with "Cassie & Philip" (though most of Philip's name is obscured) and "July 27, 2013" (the 13 is also obscured)

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A page from a local newspaper (presumably the Tyler Morning Telegraph) with "Wedding Announcements, Engagements, Anniversaries": [The engagement photo of PW and CW] Wells-Webber Robert & Carla Wells of Tyler are pleased to announce the upcoming marriage of their daughter, Cassie Wells, wo Philip Webber of Dallas, son of Edward & Cecilia Webber of Brownfield, Texas. The wedding will take place Saturday, July 27, 2013, at the Cedar Lake Ranch Pavilion in Mabank, Texas. Part of a wedding announcement for York-Hunt in the newspaper is obscured by Cassie & Philip's wedding invitation: Mr. and Mrs. Robert J. Wells request the honor of your presence for the joyous occasion of the bonding in holy matrimony of their daughter Cassandra Lorraine Wells and Philip Sidney Webber Saturday, the twentyseventh of July Two thousand thirteen at six-thirty in the evening Cedar Lake Ranch Pavilion Mabank, Texas [No, the Ranch doesn't exist, by the way.] The RSVP Card covers the bottom of the page: R.S.V.P. cassie@tercontech.com Please let us know if you need "special arrangements" in order to attend the wedding. You know who you are. [I think this was pointed toward some of those who share Cassie's time travel secret, like JA and the crew from RO3.] Some odd photo of a geeky webcomic artist and his wife: "Happy 10th Anniversary, Kristi! Love, Tom" [Alone In A Crowdsourcing] [Semi-NSFW][TerCon front desk; BG and CW are discussing the wedding](BG) "Well, it looks like all the nuptial pieces are falling into place!" (CW) "Yeah, but I still don't have a flower girl." (BG) "Oh yeah. And we don't know anyone who has a girl in the ideal age range, do we" (CW) "Philip's lucky. He's got a seven-year-old nephew who agreed to be the ring bearer." (BG) "So What now? Do we look into people from high school? College?" (CW, thinking) "That would seem a bit awkward [suddenly, an idea!] Wait I think I know someone! From my years at MIT in Boston!" (BG) "Really? Great!" (CW, tapping away on her iPhone) "It's a long shot, but at least it's a good place to start. And she does owe me for something." [And the scene changes to a place called Passion Studios???] (Desirae) "Desirae speaking!" (CW, via phone) "Hi! This is Cassie I'm a certain 'Hooters' girl that you made a promise to some ten years ago" [Another woman is wiping something off with a towel as we see a camera in between the two wait, why do I suddenly feel Alone in a Crowd? And would that make that girl Sadia?] [Flashback to 10 years ago and the Boston Hooters; a younger CW is talking to an also-younger Desirae, who is with a blonde bimbo and a gentleman who appears to be a "director" (Nikolai)] (Desirae) "Can we please film some scenes in your restaurant? Every other place around here has turned us down!" (CW, who isn't quite sure about this) "Well, I do lock up tonight If y'all can wait until then.." (Desirae) "Yay, thanks! I can't pay you a lot right now, but I promise I'll do any kind of favor you wish!" (CW, who isn't interested in starring in any of Desirae's "films") "Hmm I can't think of much right now, but I'll hold you to that!" (Desirae, back in the present) "Ah yes 'Hot Wings and Spread Eagles' wasn't a best seller, but it helped my studio pay the bills! So whatcha like, sweetie A starring role in an adult film? A new car? A trip to Europe? A boudoir photoshoot? I can do a lot now, within reason" (CW, over the phone) "Oh, nothing extravagant But it would involve a trip to Dallas. I'll pay airfare." (Desirae, winking at Sadia) "Oooh, 'Cassie Does Dallas'? You wanna direct a film, maybe? 'Sadia's Southfork 69' has a nice ring to it!" (CW, who probably

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realizes Desirae's mind is firmly in the gutter) "I'm flattered, but no, nothing in your trade. Do you have a daughter or a niece that would like to be a flower girl at my wedding in July?" (Desirae) "Ohhh, I think I know someone" [The rest of the primary cast of Alone In A Crowd, reacting to Desirae's question as we look on over her shoulder] (Faith Morgan, whose "cat ears" are visible, standing next to her sister Sara) "NO WAY! I do not want to be the center of att-" (Hope Avelina, who is not only up in arms, but is screaming) "I'LL DO IT!!!!" (Sara, standing between them, very uncertain) "As long as I don't have to pay for anything" [NOTE: This is NOT Hope's first appearance in the strip technically; her World2 avatar made a couple of appearances the most recent when PW proposed to CW!] [The End Justifies The Means?] [Phone call for CW!] (KS, over the phone) "Hey Cassie, it's Agent Scott. Your mother and I are a few minutes away." (CW) "Oh, awesome!" [Mom, her hair starting to grow back under the Texas Rangers cap and walking with the help of a cane (and KS beside her) as CW comes out to greet them] (Mom) "Hi, dear!" (CW, with arms open) "Mom! You look great!" (KS) "Yep. We're all through with the therapies and the cancer treatments!" All that remains now is to drop her back off at her home, so she can get ready to be the mother of the bride!" (CW) "See, I told you that medicine from the future would help!" (Mom) "Oh, there you go being silly again" [CW shoots a look at KS] (KS) "Ummm We need to talk." [Inside CW's home; Mom is watching some TV as CW and KS have a little "conversation" about what's going on] (CW) "What happened? Did something go wrong?" (KS) "Well She had no problems with the medicine or therapy But then she started asking too many questions. At first it was just stuff like 'Did she get her younger self out of trouble?' [And the answer is "kinda"; go back to strip 120-122] Then it turned into 'Why can't she stop all these disasters and wars from happening?' [Flashback to Mom's room at the clinic; KS is recalling the questions she was having as he explains] Or 'She could be curing cancer and lots of other diseases way earlier in time, so many lives could be saved!' It was affecting the space-time fabric and her general health. [back to the present time] So I had no choice but to wipe her memory of all the time-travel talk and action." (CW, who's starting to become a little distraught) "So she remembers nothing?" (KS, in the background, explaining what he did as Dr. Vera engaged in one of her "sessions" with Mom) I preserved as much of her memory as I could, time-jumping back to precise moments and sneaking the neuralyzer in. [CW looks out the window, distraught at this revelation] "I'm sorry, Cassie But we'll have to keep your mother 'outside the circle.' At least you'll still have her in your life, cancer-free and all." [Cold comfort, Keith.] [CW is still distraught, crying to herself as she looks out the window. KS looks on for one panel, then aside as the situation become a bit awkward, and then] (KS, choked up a bit) "You know If if you don't want me at your wedding that's fine." [turns and starts to leave] (CW, her voice broken up) "I still want you there." (KS, to Mom, who's still watching TV) "I'll be in the van. I think Cassie may want to discuss some things with you." [ to himself] Hopefully time travel won't be one of them. (Mom, still on the couch) "Everything okay in there, sweetie?" (CW, who's recovered) "-Sigh- I guess so. Mom, do you remember that one conversation we had at the hotel? About religion and everything?" (Mom) "Why yes! Were you thinking I was gonna switch Gods? [CW has a seat next to her] Cassie, nothing's gonna shake my faith in

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Jesus, but rest assured I will be more open-minded from now on!" (CW, who's trying to find a reference point) "That's great, but what about at the end there?" (Mom) "Well, you said you would do everything you can to help me" [flashback to the scene in room at the clinic] (CW) " And you'd be amazed by all that 'everything' encompasses now." (Mom, who is now no longer aware she has a timetraveling daughter) "I agree. It's crazy what you can find on the internet these days." [Back to now: CW suddenly realizes what KS did to her memory of that moment] (CW) "Oh wow All of a sudden I do remember it that way." (Mom, who's a bit confused - obviously) "What are you talking about?" (CW) "Um nothing. The important thing is, you're still around." [With Chicks, And Guns, And Fire Trucks] [Outside CW's house; Cassie is handing the time machine over to PW, as BG and Katerli from RO3 look on] (CW) "Here's my time machine. You can go as crazy as you want with your bachelor party but I can trust you not to stick your |)!|< into any other snatches, right?" (PW, taking the time machine) "I promise there won't be any hanky-panky, my love. [turns to his "bachelor party" Connor Leyman (from 627), Clark Johnson and Reggie Christopher] And while we're on the subject of trust Connor, Clark, Reggie Yes, this is a real time machine. Nobody can know about this. If you blab to anyone, I know people who can and will fry your brain. Got it?" (All) "Got it!" (BG, with CW, meeting the rest of the RO3 girls Hazel, Michelle & Ivy inside) "It sucks that Wanda couldn't make it!" (CW) "Well, she doesn't know about my timetripping, anyway." (Hazel) "Are we doing any timetripping?" (CW) "Yes! My robot assistant has her own time machine!" (Michelle) "So you honestly believe Philip won't fool around on you, huh? Even if he can time-travel?" (BG) "Ohh, he knows that if he ever slips We'll be going back and watching his every move." [1979; Club Chippendales, Los Angeles; Michelle is having a drink with MHO in the background left, while Nicki is looking on at another table at background right; a Chippendale dancer is talking to Ivy and BG] (BG) "I told you our bachelorette party would be something special!" (Ivy) "Chippendale dancers with seventies moustaches you hardly see that anymore!" (Katerli, seated beside CW) "I wonder if Philip got creative with his bachelor party?" (CW, who has a blonde dancer "flexing" in front of her) "Knowing him? Oh yeah!" [1901, Paris, France; MG and the rest of PW's bachelor party are at a rather famous burlesque show run by one Charles Zidler] (Blonde Hostess, en Franais) "Bienvenue a la Moulin Rouge!" (MG, in a tux) "Now this is high-class!" (CL, who is enjoying the company of another dancer as RC looks over his shoulder) "I've always wanted to wear a monocle!" (CJ, to PW who has a cute redhead next to him) "So we can afford to go to Paris and back and not miss any work?" (PW, lifting a cocktail glass to him) "That's the beauty of time travel my friend Save time, make money!" [The Time Traveler's Husband] [The Big Day! KS is playing usher as Hazel, Michelle and Stone from RO3 are in the background] (KS) "Welcome! You're just in time. We'll be starting in a few minutes!" (Older Gentleman, who we discover is) "Hi! Im Delbert, this is Yesenia!" (Yesenia, who reveals that) "We're the parents of the maid of honor!" (KS, pointing to the back) "Well, it's open seating here, you can sit wherever you want except up front. Or in the hedge area on the hill in back." (YG) "Huh? What's up there?" (KS) "That is our 'V.I.P.' seating. For our guests who need special accommodations." [FZZZT and FZZZT in the background as KS thinks to himself] And hopefully Cassie will keep in mind how many times the

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'V.I.P. section' can be used. (DG, who has turned away and is pointing towards the front) "Okay Oh, I see some good seats!" (YG) "It's such a beautiful day today!" (DG, who TMO has pointed out is Catholic, as is YG) "Yes No doubt the saints have graced us with their presence!" [Of course, you know who's sitting behind them Ms. Joan Arquette, who is oblivious to the reference.] [The backyard of the Wells household, circa 1986; Dad just noticed that some of the flowers had been picked!] (Dad, to a pre-school CW) "Cassie, did you get into your mother's flower bed?!" (CW, holding the offending flowers, standing next to another neighbor boy) "Daddy, I'm getting married! I needed a bouquet of flowers!" (Randy, the neighbor kid, rockin' the Transformers t-shirt) "Don't look at me, this was all her idea!" (Dad, who's trying hard to stay angry and failing) "Look, that's great and all, but" (CW, tugging at Dad as we see Cassie has a sheet tied around her waist, and her stuffed animals are in kiddie seats in the back yard) "Come on, daddy, you have to walk me down the aisle! Randy, go down there! [ Randy runs off to the side, as the little girl CW takes Dad by the hand] Okay, the wedding's about to start! You ready, Daddy? [Suddenly, we flash forward to the present as we realize the present-day CW had been talking to him in the last panel] Daddy? You ready? [Present-day dad has a tear (or two) in his eye] Um Are you gonna be okay?" (Dad, wiping away the tear as he looks at his little girl in her beautiful Monique Lhuillier design gown) "-Sniff- You know, this would be a whole lot easier on me if those flowers came from our backyard." [It does look like some of the flowers are the same as was in her mom's flowerbed] [The Wedding; Clark escorts Maggie, while Reggie escorts Wanda down the aisle] (CW, thinking to herself as the wedding procession enters) And so a new chapter begins in my life. [Matt escorts Katerli, while Best Man Connor and Maid of Honor Bethany] The journey to this point has taken some interesting turns, to say the least. [Philip's Nephew (whom we later learn is named Hunter) walks behind Hope who's getting into her role as the flower girl] But here I am, in the midst of family and friends[The preacher (Marcus Orville), standing next to Philip]about to be wedded to the man I love. [Cassie, on the arm of her father wearing a smaller version of the time-travel pendant] I think back to all of those times that I bent the rules of nature, just so some of them could be here today. [An aside: there's at least three in this very strip, and at least six at the wedding] Was all that worth risking the collapse of the very fabric of space and time? [Cassie looks as she and Dad reach the end of the aisle, where there stands with the aid of a cane, and wearing a red-hair wig, Mom] More than anything else in the entire world. [Cassie wipes away a tear as she stands next to Philip excuse me, I think I have something in my eye] [The Wedding] (Pastor Marcus Orville) "My dear friends, we are here today to witness the sacred and timeless event of two souls uniting in holy matrimony. 'That the two shall become one, and let no one ever put asunder.' Timeless words from the greatest teacher ever. [ A view of the guests: Hazel, Carmen, Rodney, Joan] We've heard all kinds of advice on how to keep a marriage strong, and no matter what I could say up here, you've probably heard it before. So I'll just say what I think the greatest value in a lasting marriage should be which is perseverance. [Stone, Michelle, Ivy, Quinn] What about love? Well, it's right up there, too! Saint Paul himself says 'Love always perseveres.' There may be times when you feel love may be lost. But if you persevere even through the rough times, you just might get that love back, maybe stronger than ever.

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[Faith, Desirae, Hope, and surprise! Nelson from Tiki Coladas, with his daughter on his lap] That is why I feel, when it comes to marriage values, perseverance is just as important as love. After all, it's right there in the vows, as you all will hear soon. [Looking over the preacher's shoulder] Normally I would now make that statement about if anyone objects to this marriage, but these two have assured me that the wedding would have been scrapped long ago if there were any protests, so we'll skip that." [ PW looks with a grin at CW, who winks back] [The Wedding] (Pastor Marcus Orville, to PW) "Philip Do you take Cassie to be your lawfully wedded wife? Do you promise to love, cherish and honor her, forsaking all others, in good times and in bad, in times of illness and health, for as long as the both of you shall live?" (PW) "I do." (PMO, to CW) "Cassie Do you take Philip to be your lawfully wedded husband? Do you promise to love, cherish and honor him, forsaking all others, in good times and in bad, in times of illness and health, for as long as the both of you shall live?" (CW) "I do." (PMO) "Now that we have witnessed Cassie and Philip express their vows of love and commitment to each other, they shall now seal this covenant with their rings." (PW turns to his nephew, who's standing in front of Philip's family sister Sonya, brother Edward Jr., aka "Jed", and his dad Edward) "You're on, Hunter!" [Meanwhile, we see the "VIP" section in the background, and we zoom in to see who's watching Cassie's SON!] (Emmett Lowery-Cobain, with the weird hair and the unique tie) "ZOBAY! That was GLAMORO!" (Future CW) "Indeed Reverend Orville always had a way with words. After this, Emmett, we'll go back to 1993 and catch your biological father at the peak of his fame!" [In the background: Julie, CW's greatgranddaughter; and the happy couple circa 2060?] [The Wedding](PMO) "Philip, repeat after me With this ring" (PW, as he takes the ring from Hunter and places the ring on CW's finger) "With this ring" (PMO) "I pledge to you my eternal and unshakable love." (PW) "I pledge to you my eternal and unshakable love." (PMO, to CW) "Cassie, repeat after me With this ring" (CW, as she takes the ring from Hunter and places the ring on PW's finger) "With this ring" (PMO) "I pledge to you my eternal and unshakable love." (CW) "I pledge to you my eternal and unshakable love." (CMO) "By the power vested in me by the state of Texas and the Hebron Community Church, I hereby pronounce you husband and wife. Congratulations, Cassie and Philip Webber!" [Cassie and Philip kiss as Katerli, Bethany, Connor and Matt look on Sorry, I have something in my eye] [The Wedding; the VIP guests are leaving, and Emmett is leaving via time window (it's assumed a slightly younger CW has already preceded him into the future); Julie is talking to her great-grandma CW the one from the 2060's] (Julie, pleading) "Can I please go to the reception?" (GGCW) "Julie, no It's too dangerous!" (Julie) "But I've always wanted to see what old-fashioned receptions were like!" (Older KS, with all-white hair) "You know, I'm with her Those big 3-D biography presentations and virtual games kinda spoiled receptions. No one really does the traditional stuff anymore." (GGCW) "But I don't want her doing anything that could make her vanish in front of everyone!" [Think of the scene in the first BTTF] (OKS) "I've still got my neuralyzer and chronodistortion detector, so I'll go with her and pose as her grandfather. She'll be okay!" (GGCW) "Well Okay Julie, you need an alias as well!" (Julie) "Maggie's the Irish redhead, right? I could be her niece!" (GGCW) "That'll do Just, please be careful!" [Julie and OKS walk down to the wedding "arch", past the current-day KS] (OKS,

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whispering aside) "Psst Whatever you do, don't talk to any women in green Corvettes!" [The Wedding Reception] (OKS) "Remember, just say hi to Cassie and Philip Don't talk to anyone else!" (Julie, who sees that CW & PW are on the dance floor) "Oh cool, we're just in time for their dance! [The song: "I Could Love You Like That" (the All 4 One version) which has references to Romeo & Juliet, Casanova and some other historical figures][Cut to the cake and the couple doing the traditional "cake mash"] Did they always squinch the cake in each other's faces?" (OKS, looking over CW's shoulder) "Well, only some of them did that. [ Desirae looks over CW's other shoulder while Sonya looks on over PW's shoulder][OKS and Julie are by themselves] Are you ready to go yet? The departure is pretty much the same, only the rice is real and not holographic" (Julie) "Come on, I just wanna stay for a little while longer, 'Grandpa'!" (OKS, who's not sure about things) "Not for much longer, okay? I'm feeling kinda antsy here" (Julie, with some famous last words) "I'm staying out of everyone's way. What could go wrong?" [INCOMING! A bouquet of flowers enters, stage right and right into Julie's open arms!] (Offscreen voice possibly BG) "Cassie, you overthrew it!" [Dundun-DUNNNNNN...]