Mind Your Language: The First Lesson

Screenplay
Taro, Ali, Anna, and Giovanni are conversing with each other. White enters. White: Good Evening. (Not loudly) Nobody pays attention. White: Good evening. Nobody pays attention. White rings the bell on his desk and yells: SILENCE! They all stop talking and turn towards him. White: Well, Im pleased to meet you all. Ali: We are also pleased to be meeting you. White: I am White. Ali: Oh no! You are committing a mistake. White: Mistake? Ali: Yes please. You are not white. You are brown! White: My NAME is White. Im your teacher. Comprehension dawns on the students faces. Giovanni: AH! You are Profesori! Everyone starts talking again and Giovanni rings the bell, yelling, Silencio! Everyone shuts up and faces the teacher. White takes the bell and says, Thank you. Right, would you all sit down? Everyone looks confused. White mimes sitting down while saying, Sit down.

They finally understand and make their way to their seats. White goes to his desk and takes out his register: Okay, now Im going to take your names, nationalities and occupations. Cue Juan. White: Ah, another student. Please have a seat. Juan, with a confused look: Por Favor? White pulls out his own chair: Take a seat. Juan: Ah! Gracias Senor. Juan sits on Whites seat. White: No, not there. Juan: Por favor? White points to the students desks: There! Juan: Ah Juan makes his way to his seat. White makes his way to Anna with his register: Lets start with you. Anna, very rigidly and with a stern look: Anna Schmidt, German au pair. White, while writing: Ah, usual German efficiency. Anna: Germans are always efficient. Taro says, while standing up with raising hand: Not so-o. Taro bows. Taro: Japenese, much more efficient-o. Anna, angrily: Nein! Germans are the best! Taro: Japanese make-a much better television and-o camelas. White: Uh-uh! Please, let us have no racism! In this class, all are equal! White goes to Giovanni. Giovanni:Giovanni Capello. Italian. I work in a restauranti.

White:Waiter? Giovanni:No, not a waiter. A cookater. White: A cookater? Giovanni: Si! I cookada ravioli, I cookada spaghetti, I cookada lasagna; I cookada everything! White: A chef! Giovanni shrugs: Okay. White goes to Ali. White: And your name? Ali: I am Ali Nadeem. From Lahore. I am working at the moment, not anywhere at all. White: Youre unemployed? Ali: Yes please. Only one day a week Im working. White: And what do you do then? Ali: I am going to the unemployment exchange, for to be collecting my money. Oh Blimey! I get more money for not being working than when Im working! White: Yes, but before you discovered this secret of eternal wealth, what did you do? Ali: Blimey, I worked at the Taj Mahal. White: In Agra? Ali: Oh no! Cockney! Taj Mahal Tandoori restaurant. Jolly good chapatti and popadums! Cue Ranjit Ranjit: A thousand apologies for my lateness! The only bus was going backwards. White: Im sure theres a more logical explanation. Ranjit: It is the absolute truth! I was told to be taking a number 27 omnibus, and I complied. But it went in a backward direction! White: No, I think you meant it was going the other way. Ranjit: That is the gist of what I am saying. A thousand apologies. White: Alright. Points to Ali: Perhaps youd like to sit next to Ali, youre countrymen?

Ranjit, horrified: I cant sit there! Its impossible! White: Why is it impossible? Ranjit: Im Sikh! White, backing away from Ranjit: Oh dear! I hope its not contagious. Perhaps youd want to come back when youre better. Ranjit: I do not comprehend the gist of the conversation. White: Well you said you were sick! Ranjit: No, no, no, no, I am not referring to my physical state of mind. My religion is Sikh! And he is Muslim! Ali, waving his finger in the sky: Islam is the only true faith! Ranjit: And Muslims follow false prophet! Ali, standing up: How dare you be speaking about Gods Holy messenger, you damn fool? Sikhs are unbelievers and infidels! Ranjit to White: Sikhs are peace-loving people. Turns to Ali: And if you are not careful, I will have much pleasure in dispatching you to your Holy messenger with this! Pulls a knife from his inside pocket. White: I will not tolerate any religious intolerance! Now put that knife away! Ranjit: He called me an infidel! White: Well, he didnt mean it, did you Ali? Ali: Most definitely! Ranjit: I swear by the five rivers of Punjab to slice your throat! White: There will be no throat slicing in my class! If you want to do that sort of thing, you shouldve joined sports! Put your knife away, be a good chap and sit down. Ranjit moves towards Giovanni, muttering an insult to Ali. Ali retaliates. White: Gentlemen, please! Youre here to learn English, not start a holy war! White: Now, what is your name, which country are you from and what do you do? Ranjit: Ranjit Singh. Im from Punjab, and I am a very important member of the British underground. White, horrified: Underground what?

Ranjit: The subway! White: Oh! THAT underground. White goes to Taro. Taro stands up: Taro Nagasu, and bows. Japanese. Representative of Poshida Electronics. White: Ah! Very good. White goes to Juan White:And finally your name. Juan: Por favor? White: Your name! What is your name? Juan: Por favor? Giovanni turns around: Nombre! Juan: Ah! Nombre, si. Juan Cervantes, senor. White: No need to ask what nationality you are. Juan: Por favor? White: Spanish! Juan: Por favor? White: What is your job? Juan, laughing: Por favor? Giovanni: Trabacho! Juan: Ah, trabacho! Ehh three laga! White: Three laga? You lag trees? Juan: One gin tonic, two whiskey coke. Three laga. White: Three lagers! You work in a bar? Juan: Si, si, bar! Cue Su Li

Su Li: Mr. White? Prease folgive my rateness. I aporogise but I rost my way. White: Not to worry. What is your name and where are you from? Su Li: Chung Su Li. Democlatic Lepubric of China. White: And what is your job? Su Li: Secletaly. Chinese dipromat. White: Very nice. Right where should we put you? Taro, how are relations between Japan and China? Taro stands up, bows, and speaks: Depends on the political-o way-of-point-o. Japan, right wing-o. China, left-wingo. White: I see. Su Li, are you light wing-o or reft wing-o? Right wing or left wing? Su Li, offended: I follow teaching of Chailman Mao! White: Well in that case you better sit here up front Su Li goes to her seat. White: Right, now we will start by learning a few basic English verbs. Firstly, we will take the verb to be. Class practices saying to be. White: I am English. You are Chinese. He is Italian. She is German. Ranjit, pointing to Ali: He is barbarian! Ali: You are asking for a kick up your big, brown back-side! Ali and Ranjit make gestures and faces at each other. White: Class! Pay attention, please! Now repeat after me! White will read off the board and class will repeat. White: Right. I shall now go around the class and ask you each to give me a sentence using the verb to be. Taro! I am. Taro: Aa-so! Taro stands up and bows. Taro: I am-o, very happy, to be, learning-o, Eng-o-lish. White: Very good! Giovanni, he is.

Giovanni: He isada fool. White: Good, but not isada. He is a fool. Giovanni looks to Juan: Yes, he is a fool. Juan stands up, looking angrily at Giovanni. White: Juan! It is. Juan: Por favor? White: It is! Juan walks to the middle: Por favor? White: It is raining! Giovanni: Joviendo! It is raining! Juan: No, no. Giovanni: IT IS raining! Juan: NO! Juan and Giovanni bicker. White says loudly: Juan, well skip you for the moment. Juan says angrily: Por favor? White, pointing to Juans seat: Sit down. Juan goes back to his seat, making a gesture towards Giovanni. White: Su Li. It is. Su Li, with comical rigidness: It is duty of evely citizen to ovelthlow impeliar govelment. So say Chailman Mao. White: Yes, well thats his opinion. Good, good. Ali, you are. Ali stands up and stares at White with a grin. White: Youare Ali: You are waiting for me to speak an answer. White: Well done!

Ali: Unfortunately, Im not understanding the question. White: I wanted you to give me a sentence using you are. Ali: I am. White: No, not I am, you are! For example, you are from Pakistan. Ali: I am from Pakistan. White: Good, but now use you are. Ali: But I cannot say you are from Pakistan because you are not, I am, hehe. White: Repeat after me: You are English! Ali, exasperated: No, no! I am from Pakistan! White, angrily: WHAT AM I? Ali, whimpering: You are confusing me! Ranjit: You are stupid pouf! Ali: Dont you call me a pouf! Ranjit: POUF! Fighting erupts between all the guys and the girls huddle towards one corner. White, hastily: Youre homework is to write a short story on your stay in England. I will see you all next week! White runs off set

END.