The Magicians

By Frances B. Toth Although 2012 is a year of high unemployment, magicians are in demand. Americans can readily find employment in this occupation. The applicants for these positions are required to connive and conjure with the intention to defraud the American public. They must be ruthless and unscrupulous characters who are willing to use confusing designs, convoluted disclosures, and criminally-close deceptions. Entertaining consumers now requires craftier magicians. Not long ago consumers would just grab and go when they shopped. Boxes, bags, and bottles with cleverly designed packaging attracted them. Picture-perfect presentations of food and colorful selections of beverages enticed shoppers to pick, proceed, and pay. Billowing stacks of colorful cartons, cups, and containers were mind-boggling, just as the crafty magicians intended. Americans have begun to ignore the collage of products. The first industry to hire magicians was the auto industry. Present day magicians perform poorly compared to their earlier counterparts. Americans who have recently shopped for new autos can see the signs of magician fatigue. The mirrors are no longer used to trick consumers. Magicians are too busy hiding modifications 1

in other more costly auto parts that require repeated replacements. In the past, the mirror mechanisms were aesthetically designed and adequately functional. Magicians would make an effort to trick consumers into believing they were purchasing a well-built auto. Now the magicians so poorly design the side-view mirror knob that it pings when toggled. Consumers can expect that the auto body might also ping down the road not long after purchase. Packaging magicians love to create anger and frustration for grocery shoppers. This allows the magicians to take advantage of them. Reading labels, checking weight, and choosing among two-ply rolls frustrates consumers. When is a halfgallon of ice cream not a half-gallon? It is when these magicians take out their magical packaging revision spoons. Previously a half-gallon of ice cream required two hands to remove from a stores freezer because the container was too big for one hand to grasp. Now two hands are required because the thinner container slips through the fingers. However, tuna fish can contents cause even more consumer irritation. Magicians also take advantage of shoppers by making it impossible to determine how much edible product is in the packaging after the squeezing and squirting. Agricultural magicians alter the size, shape, and succulence of produce. What appears to be an apple is just a red plastic covered sponge. Tasteless tomatoes have skins requiring razors to cut and relentless tongue exercises to remove from the teeth. Potatoes are always a surprise. Some are rock hard and remain that way regardless of the cooking method. Some can be mashed, but require the additional flavor to swallow. Agricultural magicians work in laboratories where they perform a disappearing act on the original composition of fruits and vegetables. Remember well-made American furniture. Years ago Americans could purchase quality furniture at reasonable prices. Now furniture manufacturer magicians have cleverly substituted another material for real wood. They trick customers into believing that the furniture is constructed of wood when it is constructed of dried Swiss cheese. Furniture store magicians pull the rabbits out at the time of purchase. First they pull out the delivery cost rabbit, which is a big long-haired rabbit that does not need to be feed. Then they pull out a State sales tax rabbit which must be feed. The exasperated buyer purchases the unassembled furniture and hauls it home. As the designated assembler brushes away the sawdust they wish the furniture magicians were present to hear their comments.

Computer sale magicians are the most courteous and patient. They let potential buyers babble to their hearts content. When personal computers were first introduced computer companies did not hire magicians. Computer technicians had insufficient knowledge about their product to consult with and advise magicians. Now, all the sales representatives are magicians. They do their trickery with the deck of choices they present to customers. The cards are displayed at the time the order is placed. The hidden cards can be anything the buyer fails to ask or incorrectly chooses from the list of inclusions when they make a computer purchase. A magician splays the cards and bets the customers lack of product knowledge will give the magician the deceptive edge. Since this field affords much opportunity for deception, it is an exciting field for aspiring magicians. Retail clothing magicians search the world for abracadabra apparel. The merchandise appears suitable as clothing, but when it is placed over the skin it quickly changes to a sheer fabric folly. It could be worn with the intent of attracting the opposite sex by those with flawless physiques or shameless egos. Fast food magicians just keep making the portions smaller. They believe consumers are unaware. Since this is their only trick, these magicians are the lowest paid. Magicians for oil companies are lazy and prideful. They are seldom called upon to entertain oil company management with novel material, so they perform the same slight of the hand ad nauseam. Behind every gas price increase is the oil company magician revising figures on the corporate Income Statements. They entertain public officials and the American public using this manipulative justification trick. Insurance company magicians write vague and confusing insurance policies. The policy statements usually state 100% coverage for mishaps that will most likely never happen with limited coverage for mishaps more likely to occur. Magicians are also available 24/7 to answer policy holder questions. However, the policy holder never receives a definitive answer. Since these magicians are quite good at jabbering, policy holders are left amazed and unable to blink their livid eyes. Bank magicians are hocus pocus poets who write mesmerizing policy. These magicians take advantage of Americans who choose not to keep their money under their mattresses or need to borrow money. Unfortunately, Americans are compelled to use bank services. Quite often these magicians use as a defense for their trickery an old adage about reading the small print. This is their best trick, writing loan documentation. Even if account holders read their documentation they 3

may not understand the bank policy or they may be led to believe that certain events are unlikely. Bank magicians overwhelm potential customers with their bank lingo. Intentional incomprehensible and voluminous documentation helps ensure potential debtors mental fatigue and speechless surrender. These magicians overwhelmed many student debtors who are obligated to pay back loans with interest calculated using the magical pyramid-profit compounder, capitalized interest, the real cost of student loans. Financial institution magicians helped increase the use of a word seldom used in daily conversation, derivatives. In magician terminology these are up-in-smoke poofs of flowers which loom lifeless now. Americans do not clearly understand when or how magicians used these tricks to sink the American real estate market. They were just told that the derivatives were sold all over the world by the greediest magicians. These poofs-of-flowers financial instruments bloomed into eviction notices for many American home owners. The flowers are still blooming, but these magicians will be left with the looming smoke. Employment positions are scarce in this sector. Government and quasi-government agencies also hire magicians. The consequences of the tricks of these magicians are catastrophic for the American economy. These magicians deceptively use manipulated economic indicators to deny the truth about rapidly rising prices. Americans know these economic indicators are obsolete and biased. Decisions based on these economic indicators fuel the fire on the sword of economic disaster which Americans are forced to swallow. However, there are no positions available in manufacturing. These magicians have already performed their trickery with a domino effect of plant closings. There are no more stages to entertain their corporate employers. Americans remember the pride in Made in America. They knew they were purchasing a quality product. American manufacturing plants provided jobs that supported American families. But many of these magicians cunningly and slowly replaced their companys workforce with foreign labor hoping Americans would not notice the drainingditch death of their economic survival. francestoth@gmail.com