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Parenting Tips

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Congratulations! If you are reading this booklet you are probably a parent or are involved in the life of a childcongratulations. Raising a child is a wonderful and positive experience if you remember two rules: 1. Rule number oneyou are a human. 2. Rule number twoyour child is also a human. With those rules in mind, you may proceed to the next pages that I have selected for you as the basic steps for creating a more positive relationship with your child. Discipline will only be effective if you have a good relationship with your child. At the core of your discipline plan and expectations should be the evaluation of your personal values and your family values. Your child will adopt the values that you display on a consistent basis. If you feel that you need further assistance in creating a plan for you and your child, please contact our office or visit our website. I wish you peaceful and playful moments with your child. Sincerely,

M. Cristina Quilantn Daz A Licensed Professional Counselor A Parent A Wife

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Family Characteristics
According to Patterson, 1982, there are four characteristics of families in which children display negative behavior: 1. Absence of Rules 2. Little Monitoring of Children 3. Lack of Effective Contingencies 4. Limited Problem Solving Ability in Family It is also important for you to understand that children misbehave for the following reasons:

The Four Goals Of Misbehavior

GOAL Attention TYPE The Show Off Insecure The Pest The Angel The Boss The Rebel The Debater The Victim The Aggressive The overwhelmed The Insecure The hyperactive The avoider

Power

Revenge

Incompetence

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Adults Goals
Adults also respond in certain situations due to the following goals. You may want to review them with your spouse to obtain a more objective view of yourself. Goal Keep things under control Child has proper feelings Child is impressed Adult is proved right Adult is proved superior Set the child straight Excuse responsibility Child is never trusted Action Demand & Order Preach & Shoulds Lecture & Advice Assume childs guilt Ridicule & Sarcasm Interrogate & Analyze Pretend all is well Doubt & Snoop

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Listening to your Child

The cornerstone of any relationship is communication. Communication is easy to achieve if you allow all the parties involved to verbalize how they feel. It is essential for the self-esteem of your child that you do find the time to listen, and to listen in a way that communicates your interest and caring. Take time to really listen to your child. Try these points: Make sure that you are ready to listen Give your child you full attention Minimize distractions Be an active listener Invite your child to talk Offer praise as frequently as you can. Children often misbehave or attract attention in negative ways in order to obtain a response from adults. When you praise your child he gets the message that he is ok and that what he does is acceptable and appreciated. Communication should be painless for the parent. Remember the following dos and donts of communication when you engage in this activity with your child.

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Dont
Preach Accuse Use vague words Use negative questions Ignore Interrupt Offend Raise your voice Use sarcasm Bring up the past Hide your feelings Make faces Read his/her mind

Do
Use short phrases Use I feel Be specific Be direct Listen Listen Watch what you say Lower your voice Say what you feel Focus on the NOW Be sincere Stay calm Listen

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Punishment vs. Discipline

According to William Glasser, punishment: Expresses power of personal authority Is usually painful and based on retribution or revenge (based on what happened in the past). Is arbitrary, usually dependent on the adults mood. Is imposed (Done to someone). Responsibility is assumed by the punisher. Means the options for the individual are closed. Is teaching process which usually reinforces failure identity. Is essentially negative and short term, without sustained personal improvement. Is open or concealed anger. Is easy or expedient. And discipline: Is based on logical consequences; expresses the reality of the social order (rules which must be learned in order to function adequately). Is concerned with what will happen now, in the present. Means the responsibility is assumed by the behavior. Comes from within. Is desired. Means the options are always kept open so the individual can choose to improve their behavior. Is an active teaching process involving close, sustained, personal involvement; emphasizes teaching person ways to act that will result in more successful behavior. Is friendly. Difficult and time consuming in the short run. Easier in the long run.

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My Behavior Modification Plan

I am concerned that my son/daughter.

I usually..: Scream Preach Hit Make empty threats Punish This week I am going to: Listen Be more firm Be more consistent Give encouragement Communicate my love Refuse to be involved in conflict Play more with my daughter/son

I learned that.

I will change by

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Assessing Your Child

Take time to look at the positive aspects of your child. Your child possesses qualities that you may forget during stressful episodes.

Qualities
a. b. c. d. e. a. b. c. d. e.

Challenges

Global Aspect of Your Child

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Global Aspect of Your Child

Physical

Academic School

Exercise

Emotional Communication Relationships (self/others)

Spiritual

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Eating Right!
Please share this with your child,. You need vitamins, proteins, minerals, good fats and oil, and water. Stay away from hot cheetos, food coloring (cupcakes), colored cereal, pizza, hamburgers, ice cream.the good stuff. Instead, try to eat lots of: Eggs Cheese, milk and diary products w/o sugar Vegetables Meat Tuna Chicken Oatmeal Peanuts Carrots, sweet potatoes, beans, peas, lentils Fruits Natural juice Dr. John Taylor

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Exercise
Motor activity is a fun experience for most children, but if your child does not initiate outside plan explain that, Exercise is an important component of life. It is recommended that you move around continuously for about twenty minutes per day. These are some of the activities that you may enjoy o o o o Jumping rope Bicycle riding Walking in the park Skating

Now, list your own: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. ____________________________________ ____________________________________ ____________________________________ ____________________________________ ____________________________________

Have fun!

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The Organized Notebook

Some children struggle with their homework. Teach organizational skills and model how to use notebooks, highlighters, etc. The school counselor may help your child with organizational skills. The following is an example of how you can help your child become more organized: o o o o o o o o o o o Three-ring binder Clip inside front cover Commercially available notebook organizer 3 hole punch to allow hand-outs to the placed in notebook Weekly reviewing of the notebook to keep it organized Sturdy weekly assignment sheet in rotating colors under the clip Homework pocket or sheet protector taped to back cover Color coded dividers without pockets on them Fresh paper in every section of the notebook Laminated sturdy aids, 3 hole punched Zipper pouch with objects to assist students, tissues, erasers, sharpener, extra pens and pencils, ruler, notes from home, and school approved snack.

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Blocks of Conscience
It is not enough to have rules and consequences. It is necessary to prepare and implement a repair for the person that was hurt (physically/emotionally). Rules The adults prepare the rules for the child.
1.

2 3. Consequences The adults and the child should prepare the consequences. The child needs to feel a sense of control and power over the consequences that he will face. 1. 2. 3. Emotional Repair The repairs need to be prepared by the person who has hurt physically or emotionally. 1. 2.
3.

Adapted from John Taylor, Ph.D.

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Emotional Bank Account

Deposits ____________________________ ____________________________ ____________________________ ____________________________ ____________________________ ____________________________ ____________________________ ____________________________ ____________________________ ____________________________ ____________________________ ____________________________ This activity was taken from Stephen Covey The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People to keep track of the positive and negative interactions with family members.

Withdrawals ____________________________ ____________________________ ____________________________ ____________________________ ____________________________ ____________________________ ____________________________ ____________________________ ____________________________ ____________________________ ____________________________ ___________________________

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Positive Consequences That Cost No Money

o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o Stay up late Messy room for a day Stay out late Leave radio on at night (not too loud) Have a friend over Sleep downstairs or outside (safely and supervised) Go over to a friends house (with supervision) Pick the TV program Extra TV time Pick an outing Play video game One less chore Shorter study period Pick a movie Decide where to go for dinner Mom or Dad read a story at night Stay up late reading Play a game with Mom or Dad Use car Sleep in late Extra phone time Plan the meal Special snacks Sit at the head on the table Trip to the library, pet store, park, etc. Extra night out with friends Permission for a special event Dinner in the family room Extra time on the computer Riding bike or fishing with parents Indoor picnic Pick the breakfast cereal Go window shopping

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Recommended Games for Family Time

Spending time with your children is the best reward! Even if your child does not seem to like you at times, do not get discouraged. Most children, adolescents and young adults like to receive individual attention from parents. These are simple games that you may keep in mind: Chutes and Ladders Checkers Connect Four Life Candyland Sorry! Guess Who? Friendship Connection Monopoly Moods Operation Scrabble Go Fish

Recommended Toys
Moon Sand Play Dough Puzzles Potato People Legos

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Quick Stress Relievers

Remember that you are human! You need to take care of yourself before you can take care of your child. You are the filter that your child uses in the early stages of his life. Your filter has to deal with your own physical, social and emotional stress and daily living. Life is beautiful and is up to you to convey that to your child. You are your childs role model, hero and teacher. He will adopt your values. Take care of yourself Talk, walk or drive at a slower pace. It may reduce the sense of urgency and reduce irritation and anger. Get the first appointment of the day decrease the changes you will have to wait. Call a friend for a long chat. Turn off the TV. Let someone do you a favor. Escape mentally read a novel in the tub or at lunch. Schedule time for yourself. Play a game. Consolidate errands and chores. Play music you like. Create art. Wear comfortable clothes. Take up a new hobby. Forgive and forget a new grudge. Have breakfast in bed. Get a massage. Take a time out: Hum a favorite song, take a walk around the office, read a book for five minutes, read a vacation magazine, work on your mental hobby. Write a letter. Rent a funny movie. Appreciate nature. Cry. Make a new friend. Establish a daily routine and then break it. Create a humor board at work post cartoons, jokes, any humorous tidbits for others to share.

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Take a humor break share a funny joke or story daily with your co-workers. Organize a special event at work have an ugly tie contest or bring baby pictures and try to identify co-workers.

Have Fun!

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Bibliography
A childs guide to concentrating: For kids with ADHD by Bonita Blazer, Ph.D, Shire Richwood Inc. Call toll free: 1-800-536-7878 ADHD Guia para familias. Shire Richwood Inc., Call toll free: 1800-536-7878 ADHD Report: A newsletter from Russell A. Barkley and Associates: Call toll free: 1-800-365-7006 Behavior Modification: What it is and how to do it by Garry Martin and Joseph Pear (Prentice Hall). Homework success for children with ADHD: A family-school intervention program by Thomas J. Power, James L, Karustis, and Dina F. Habboushe (Guildford). Inattention and hyperactivity in children are associated with snoring and other symptoms of sleep-disordered breathing, and also with daytime sleepiness. The Complete Practitioner: Mental Health Applications. www.completepractitioner.com. April 2002 Issue Parenting the strong willed child: the clinically proven five week program for parents of two to six year old. By Rex Forehand, Ph.D, and Nicholas Long, Ph.D. (McGraw-Hill). SOS help for parents by Lynn Clark, Ph.D. (SOS Programs and Parents Press). The survival guide for kids with ADD or ADHD by John Taylor, Ph.D., (Free Spirit Publishing). Your defiant child: eight steps to better behavior by Russell A. Barkley, Ph.D. and Christine M. Benton (Guildford). The Child Psychotherapy-Treatment Planner by Arthur E. Jongsma, Jr., L. Mark Peterson, and William P. McInnis