BLUEPRINT FOR A CHILDREN'S PLANET

BY Matt Kramer

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.

Viktor E. Frankl

Dedicated to my son, Graham, and his brothers and sisters all over the world.

INTRODUCTION

I first conceived of the ideas contained here during my trip to the Amazon River in April of1986. The trip began in the Andes Mountains in the legendary ruins of Machu Picchu. I had left Los Angeles four days earlier and I felt very clear and unfettered of the complex mental processes required to run my nightclub in the city of the angels. Having visited the ruins once before in 1980, I wanted to expand upon the usual four hour tourist visit. My companions and I made arrangements to stay overnight so we could spend two days exploring the region. The majority of the tourists left on the buses about 3:30 P.M. for the four hour train ride back to Cusco. Clouds gathered for a brief shower, then moved on, leaving behind a magnificent rainbow. I sat in the now pristine ruins in awe of the beauty and the majesty of the setting. I thought about how lucky I felt to be able to enjoy such an experience. My thoughts then moved to consider the paradoxes of life; that there is so much in the world to enjoy and celebrate, yet there is such an overwhelming degree of pain and deprivation as well. At the end of the day, I rode the bus to the bottom of the hill and walked about two miles down the train tracks to the little village of Aguas Calientes. My traveling companions and I found a room that cost us each $2.00. After dinner, the rains came again, this time in full force. The three of us retired to our bunks, but I couldn't sleep. My mind was buzzing with questions and ideas. Will there ever be a condition in which everyone worldwide has their needs met? What would it take to create a status quo in which the entire human race is able to enjoy life? There are thousands of conflicting values, crossed purposes, and unresolved conflicts that sabotage these goals. The relentless onslaught of political, economic, and military events provide overwhelming obstacles that stun most of us into apathetic immobility. Many feel that to try to tackle the world's problems is a naively admirable but hopelessly useless effort. An idea began to form. I went into the hallway so as not to wake my friends and I began to write. I was wrestling with two questions: 1) How to process the information necessary to identify areas which needed change; 2) Could I create a simple plan of action that could effect positive change with a minimum of resistance or opposition? I had an inspiration for the first question. In planning this trip I used a book called The Rand McNally Guide to South America, an excellent handbook with a massive amount of relevant information (travel methods, hotel and restaurant ratings, sightseeing trips, dangers to avoid (including some specific people by name) about every village, town, and city south of the U.S. border. If there is any one book that will educate the novice about the geographic and cultural layout of South America, this is it. It is updated every year, partially by the contributions of the travelers who used it. My goal is to design a similar handbook which would

identify the sources of and possible solutions to problems that sabotage the quality of life around the world. Its purpose will be to provide a blueprint for building a society that works. This work needs to be effective against the proclivity of many people to be apathetic about their ability to make a difference in the world. This book will inspire people not to give up. There are myriad problems deemed as yet unsolvable by the world's leaders. My position is that there are excellent problem solving techniques available, yet few people, including decision makers, seem to employ them. An excellent resource can be found in Parent Effectiveness Training by Thomas Gordon. Much of the value lies in its techniques for communication and problem solving. For example: A key element to begin successful problem solving involves identifying the needs and goals of each party. When conflicting parties agree to meet, a way to begin to resolve their differences is to acknowledge the areas about which they both agree. By so doing, they will begin to establish the possibility of alignment. This increases the potential of resolving the conflict in a mutually beneficial manner. With this concept in mind, I ask myself, "in this world of major and violent conflicts, is there a subject about which a majority of people could agree?" The answer: Children. We all love our children. This article is a vehicle to introduce the idea: If the number one priority of all people, organizations, businesses, and governments is to contribute to the establishment of Planet Earth as a children's planet, then Planet Earth will be universally beneficial for everybody. This is the preliminary design of the Blueprint to construct a Children's Planet. Worldwide, everybody loves their children. We can appreciate that our neighbors and even our enemies (for those of us who feel we have enemies) love their children. If children are truly our first priority, then how can decisions be made that are detrimental to their welfare? If the criteria of our decision making process included an assessment about how well each action supports the well-being of our children, there would be much less destruction, if any, on a planet wide basis. To illustrate some of our national priorities at this moment, consider the following statistics: For the equivalent of one week's national nuclear arms spending, 70,000 children could receive full health care throughout their childhood. 1 Furthermore, seventy billion dollars per year is spent solely on the preparation and maintenance of nuclear weapons for war. Are these expenditures truly indicative of our priorities? Could these dollars be better utilized towards feeding and educating children? My question is: given human nature and the current state of affairs, can we restructure our priorities to truly nurture our children? Experience shows that demanding immediate change doesn't provide workable solutions, there's too much resistance from those who benefit from the status quo. It is necessary to make this a multi-generational plan. Part of the solution is to make the ideas contained herein accessible to as many people as possible. Our children, armed with the communication and problem solving skills described in later chapters, will be better equipped to enact change. If they are motivated to get into the decision-making positions, they will be able to lay the groundwork that will enable the next generation to continue the changes.

Eventually there will be enough people of humane conscience in power to reverse the historical patterns of our destructive tendencies. This is a real possibility. It will not happen without a game plan and a guide to get us there. History is proving that to us. Contained within this article is the introduction to the skeleton of an idea. It is purposely short; I want you to get the germ of the idea. I want your ideas, criticism, and support. Contact me.

THE STATUS QUO The achievements of mankind hint at the possibility of a great and dignified existence. The opportunity to attain such a state is sabotaged by the realities of violent conflict, famine, and potential nuclear annihilation. Whenever children die of unnatural causes or are denied the opportunity to reach their full potential, those in positions of leadership have failed miserably. As individuals, we are glutted with information, much of it confusing and contradictory. The news is awash with waves of problems, some new, most mutating out of old situations. A common pattern for many individuals begins with an awakening awareness of the magnitude of the problems. They become anxious and put enormous energy into finding solutions. They are thwarted by the patronizing or apathetic response of their peers and elders. Often this is the response generated by people who, earlier in their lives, were similarly frustrated by the inclination of human nature to create systems that resist change. As a result, our newly awakened individuals become angry. There are few choices from here. The majority succumb to the frustration and eventually numb themselves into a desensitized state of semi-awareness. A valiant few carry on, creating new organizations or actively participating with the organizations that are working to meet the needs of their particular crusade. As soon as we make a stand and say that things must change, even if it is for the better, we meet resistance. By asking or demanding that systems or policies change, we are threatening the status quo.

Change is usually brought about as a response to crisis. Much of our history is a document of our reactions to natural disaster or man-made conflict. Otherwise, because we fear the unknown, we fear change. As a result, a problem must grow to dramatic proportions before we will take action. Even then, we will often not act until the crisis invades our personal community. By that time, most likely we will have lost crucial resources and precious time to prepare. At this point, we have lost control of the situation and it runs us. We are constantly acting in reaction. In aviation, this is called operating from behind the power curve The trick is to evolve beyond the crisis oriented mentality. The trap is: when there is no potential crisis, we are unprepared to recognize early symptoms of potential problems. The solution is to develop a system that works successfully for the present and future instead of always operating in reaction to crisis.

THE GOAL The outcome would be the global acceptance of a philosophy that allows all children the opportunity to have a nurturing childhood. It is my assertion that a society that provides for the welfare of its children provides for itself. This will include fulfilling the needs of education, food, shelter, clothing and medicine. For example, the educational system will have as its context: 1) Support for a healthy self-image for every child.

2) Communication skills: learning to verbalize feelings, needs, and ideas so that they can be understood by others. In return, listening and understanding the communication of another individual. 3) Problem-solving skills: learning to identify and state problems and goals, define the obstacles, and create mutually satisfactory solutions The incorporation of these skills leads to healthy interaction and improved self esteem. People who are confident in themselves are better able to rationally hear what others have to say. When people understand and respect each other, a foundation exists to effectively problem solve and lessen the impact of conflict. When these children grow into adults, they are capable of building a better world. Three skills in particular can transform a troubled family or community from conflict to harmony: Active Listening, I Messages, and Problem Solving. Often when a child has an emotional outburst, the parent's response is to the outburst itself and not to what's really being said. For example. A friend breaks a doll. The child comes to the father and says, "Chantal broke my doll, I hate her!" Traditional responses may be: 'angry' (Don talk like that and stop your crying); guilt manipulative' (Why do you always have to have a problem, I never get any peace); 'shame' (you should know better) etc. These responses do not address the real problem. With active listening, rather than ignoring or misinterpreting the information, the father trains himself to actually listen to what's being said thereby allowing the child to express his or her emotions. Once the child feels heard, she/he becomes more open to input. Father shows acknowledgment of the problem: "It sounds like you're upset and angry about your doll being broken." The problem has been clearly stated, the two may be better able to utilize problem solving skills. Active listening in conjunction with clearly stated 'I Messages' leads to a healthy arena in which to solve the problem. For example, suppose you come home to find your child's toys all over the floor. You could respond angrily, (Get out here and pick up your toys!); judgmental (it was very thoughtless and inconsiderate of you to leave your toys all over the floor!); labeling and name calling (you are the messiest child in the world, what a little pig you're becoming). Again, these responses will make the child defensive and not address the problem at hand.

The 'I Message' takes the focus off of the child and expresses your feelings about the behavior itself. The 'I Message' has three components: 1) communicating the feeling that you are experiencing ("I feel very irritated"), 2) a description of the behavior that displeases you ("when you leave your toys all over the floor"), 3) and the tangible effect that a particular behavior has on you ("I might trip on one and hurt myself.") In this way, the 'I Message' opens the door to using the problem solving skills. This "skill provides a format for expressing negative feelings without doing damage to the child's self esteem." With this process, we not only have a tool for effecting change in the child's unacceptable behavior, we also gain the honest respect of our children. Some sources describe three basic parenting styles: The Super Parent - the authoritarian Style; The Martyr/Doormat style-where the child is in control; The Vacillator style where the parent alternates between the Super Parent and Martyr. These myths are damaging to us and offer no constructive means for handling conflict situations when they arise. Consider that no matter how good our relationship is with our child, conflicts or problems will inevitably arise. As we learn to accept this inevitability, we can open ourselves up to seeing problem solving as an ongoing process. With this awareness, the myths no longer have power over us. Parenting loses some of its vagueness and mystery.

CONCLUSION This paper is a revision of the original written in 1986. Back then I dont think I knew the word, mediation. In 1993, I received mediator training and have been working as a professional in the field ever since. As I continued my research into ways of ending war and creating a childrens planet, I eventually recognized a major flaw in the idea for this blueprint: not everybody loves their children. Some people who have children are narcissistic and/or sociopathic, incapable of feeling any love for another human being other than in the form of an object to be owned and controlled. Eventually my research transformed into a new direction that focused on the ways that sociopaths and other people exhibiting anti-social behavior have impacted society in ways that are invisible for most of us. I have not given up on the Blueprint for a Childrens Planet; I have incorporated it into solutions for a problem with the working title of Predatory Leadership. For more information, visit http://predatoryleaders.com/ I look forward to any feedback you may wish to share.

<<>>

1. 1986 figures from the National Center for Health Statistics, Washington, D.C. While the end of the 'cold war' has somewhat de-escalated this trend, the dollars spent on defense are still hugely out of proportion compared to what is spent on children's concerns on an international level.