fond ligne

fonde ligne

fondligne.
com
Contact: JudgeMe@Fondligne.com
FondLigne____ issue #1
www.Fondligne.com
DROPPING OUT
what its like
ESSAYS, PHOTOGRAPHS, ART,
CARTOONS,

POETRY, REVIEWS,
RECIPES, NAKED PICTURES
AND SO MUCH MORE.
(naked pictures not included)
Free!
reSelling this for money
would be totally uncool, man.
(but feel free to submit them)
MAY 2012
Occupy Wall Street
__ F O N D l I G N E _ _ _ _ _ _
19
Listening
Judith and Holofernes
http://www.vanguardsquad.com/jukebox/
?artist=judith%20and%20holofernes
Sharpie Crows
http://www.sharpiecrows.com/
Viewing
Two or ree ings I Know About Her
(2 ou 3 choses que je sais delle)
http://www.criterion.com/nlms/
1333-2-or-3-things-i-know-about-her
e Discreet Charm of the Bourgeoisie
(Le charme discret de la bourgeoisie)
http://www.criterion.com/nlms/
310-the-discreet-charm-of-the-bourgeoisie
Reading
Ian svenonius
e Psychic Soviet
http://www.dragcity.com/products/
the-psychic-soviet
(also available on Amazon)
Michael Kammen
People of Paradox: An Inquiry
Concerning the Origins of
American Civilization
http://www.amazon.com/
People-Paradox-Concerning-Civilization-
Paperbacks/dp/0801497558
Recommendations
Have a smartphone? Just scan the corresponding QR code and enjoy.
FONDlIGNE______
18
MAY 2012 _
Recipe:
Cooking with Weed
(as a vegan)
O
xi oi rui xosr coxxox xiscoxciirioxs concerning veganism is that a veg-
an can never know the joy of cooking with marijuana. I know nrsthand that this
is, as I said, a misconception. Tis mistake stems from the belief that fatty dairy products
are necessary to extract cannabinoids, when really simple canola oil works wonderfully.
Tui Rario: 1 GRAM oi BUD ioi ivii\ 2 TABLESPOONS oi OIL
Oi: 1 OUNCE oi BUD ioi ivii\ 3.5 CUPS oi OIL
Oi: JUST MAKE SURE THE OIL COVERS ALL YOUR BUD
WERE NOT MAKING A FUCKING SOUFFL HERE!
(xaxi suii ruar \oui wiio is iixii\ ciouxo)
1. Heat up your oil in a saucepan,
but do not let it boil.
2. Add in all of your stu.
3. Keep the oil hot, but not boiling,
for about two hours. STIR FREQUENTLY.
n\ rui wa\, ruis is coixc ro srixx ui \oui uousi axo ixriii iioiiir\
suouio i uavi xixrioxio ruar iaiiiii:
4. Strain through a mesh strainer.
Trow out the weed or sell
it to some middle schoolers,
I dont care.
STORE IN A DARK PLACE. A CLOSET WILL SUFFICE.
NOW WHENEVER A FONDLIGNE_ RECIPE MENTIONS CANOLA OIL
YOU KNOW WHAT TO USE
A
xo niiiivi xi, this stun is just as good as any non-vegan cannabis concoc-
tion. In a single-blind study, done by me, a number of people said that they
got the highest theyd ever been. Although, honestly, people say that all the time.
Full gallery at www.FondLigne.com/OWS/
4
MAY 2012 FONDlIGNE______
4
INDEX
Mazel tov cocktail
Cover
2-3
5
6
7
8
12
13
14
16
18
19
PHOTO BY BEN HILLER
PHOTO
FAILURE TO LAUNCH
WHAT IS THIS?
DRAWING
DROPPING OUT
POEM
OP-ED BY AN OUTRAGED CITIZEN
PHOTO
REVIEW: HBOS GIRLS
RECIPE
RECOMMENDATIONS
EVERYTHING
BY
EVAN HILLER
UNLESS
OTHERWISE
NOTED
Contact: JudgeMe@Fondligne.com
__ F O N D l I G N E _ _ _ _ _ _
17
Te shock from the denial of what she con-
sidered a meager request for money and the
opium poppy tea cause her to faint. Te
irony of her earlier non-drug-addict protes-
tations did not get past me, but still did not
amuse me.
For a show supposedly about a bunch
of middle-class kids scraping by in the city
which, even if authentic, would probably
be derided as inconsequential and whiney,
all of the lead cast members parents have
their own wikipedia pages: Lena Dunhams
parents are Laurie Simmons, a photogra-
pher, and Carrol Dunham, a painter; Allison
Williams father is Brian Williams, the news
anchor; Zosia Mamets parents are David
Mamet, a director, and Lindsay Crouse, an
actress; and Jemima Kirkes father Simon
Kirke was the drummer in the band Free.
Tat is ridiculous.
A striking characteristic of this show
is that its not only Sex and the City for a
younger demographic, its Sex and the City
with the comedic sensibilities of Judd Apa-
tow. An awful combination. In fact, one of
the nrst things that I noticed is the number
of similarities between Lena Dunham and
Seth Rogen: theyre both mildy overweight,
they have almost identical facial structures
and teeth, their voices have a very similar
nasal quality which frequently trails on into
vocal fry (all of the characters on this show
speak almost entirely in vocal fry. If you
didnt look at the screen youd think it was
a show about talking frogsits worse than
a Noam Chomsky speech), clearly both have
had their careers jump-started by Judd Apa-
tow and, most importantly, neither of them
are very funny. What this show is is really
just another Seth Rogen vehicle (with Lena
Dunham being Seth Rogen) masquerading
as some kind of indie quirk-fest.
Proponents of this show will argue that
it preempts many of my complaints; that
many of the problems that the characters
themselves treat as world-ending and life-
crushing other characters recognize as in-
signincant. My rebuttal is that recognizing
naws does not rectify them. Especially in a
show as nawed as Girls.
Te names of the main characters, I shit
you not, are: Hannah Horvath, Marnie Mi-
chaels, Jess Johansson and Shoshanna Shap-
iro. Tat is apparently what you get out of a
creative writing degree from Oberlin.
Fuck, I hated this show.
Just look at these idiots.
FONDlIGNE______
16
MAY 2012 _
Review:
HBOS GIRLS
I
wouio iixi ro iosi an honest question
to any female reader: do you frequently
have heart-to-hearts with your female
friends and acquaintances in the bathroom
(and Im not talking about a multiple stall
bathroom with barriers, Im talking about a
single stall bathroom with eye-to-eye con-
versation)? If yes (hopefully no, though), is
one of the interlocuters ever actually pissing
during this conversation? If yes again, have
you ever handed her toilet paper to wipe
with in the middle of the conversation? One
last question: during this course of events,
which I sincerely hope is not one you have
ever encountered, have you ever thought to
yourself, hey, this would make great honest
television! If you answered yes to all four
of those questions, chances are youre Lena
Dunham, creator of Girls.
After seeing the glowing reviews for Girls,
I decided to set aside my annoyance over the
cancellation of Bored to Death and give its
replacement series a fair chance. I regret that
very much. If they had only advertised Girls
as a hip Sex and the City for a lower age
bracketon e Colbert Report, Lena Dun-
ham said of Sex and the City: [Girls] den-
nitely owes a debt to Sex and the City cause
Sex and the City kind of busted the system
from the inside in talking about womens is-
sues. which alone is a ridiculous thing to
say about Sex and the City of all showsI
would have been able to skip over this entire
debacle without a second thought.
Now, Girls starts on with Hannah, the
main character (played by the creator of the
show, Lena Dunham), being cut on nnan-
cially by her parents. Hannah protests and
tells her parents that they should be thankful
that shes not addicted to drugs like so many
her age. Her parents explain that they just
cant anord to give her any more money on
their professor salaries. Hannah, visibly up-
set, tells her parents that she does not want
to see them the next day as she will be busy
becoming who [she is]. Later, in an attempt
to get a paying job like her parents want her
to, Hannah tries to turn her unpaid intern-
ship into a paying job, but instead just loses
her internship.
Tis loss of everything that Hannah had
been taking for granted upsets her so much
that, before you know it, she is on to the
apartment of her ugly and shirtless semi-
boyfriend, Adam. Tey have embarrassing
and depressingexcuse me, honestsex.
Troughout this encounter, Hannah and
Adam both say insunerably stupid shit like,
never be anybodys fucking slaaave.
Te bulk of the nrst episode is just lay-
ing the groundwork for future episodes, but
since I only watchedand only plan on
having ever watchedthe nrst episode, Ill
skip over that stun, except to say that Han-
nah drinks some opium poppy tea.
At the end, Hannah goes to her parents
hotel room to make one last, desperate plea
for some nnancial help. Her parents refuse.
_ _
6
MAY 2012
What is This?
I
i \ou aii axoxc ruosi asxixc: What
is this? Why am I reading it? Who made it?
or saying, 1990 called and zines are already
uncool, well, 2000 called and saying some-
thing called is already out of style. I digress.
Allow me to answer your questions anyway.
Fond Ligne is the new, super-exciting,
totally-rad, Westneld-based zine created by
Evan Hillerme.
For with what judgment
ye judge, ye shall be
judged: and with what
measure ye mete, it
shall be measured to you
again. (Matthew 7:2)
Tats the bible. A pretty well known
book. Tat passage is one of the main
reasons for the creation of this zine.
You see, many people read that passage
and think it means to live free of judg-
ment. Not I. Not only would that
be no fun, it would be impossible.
On top of that, its probably not
even the intended meaning. Te
way I take it (admittedly even
more self-serving than those who
think it means to simply not
judge) is that if I allow oth-
ers to judge me very harsh-
lyfor, say, my earnest attempt at creating
a zineI can judge them equally harshly for
anything at all. Which I shall.
Some more religious text, this time from a
more kvetch-inclined people, that was innu-
ential in the abiogenesis of this zine is:
If not me, who? If not now, when?
(I know, I know, thats not the exact quote.
Sue me.) If anyone else I know embarked
on a creative endeavour such as this, I know
that I would certainly be interested in pick-
ing up a copy (and disparaging it merciless-
ly). But since that hasnt happened (as far as
Im aware), I did it.
Conversely, there is another passage from
Matthew 7 which would seemingly be at
odds with the creation of this zine:
Give not that which
is holy unto the dogs,
neither cast ye your
pearls before swine,
lest they trample them
under their feet, and
turn again and rend
you. (Matthew 7:6)
I think the reader can ngure out how
this zine nies in the face of that passage.
But dont let that incongru-
ity worry you; I wont be taking any
further cues from Scripture. I mean,
just read this passage which is also from
Matthew 7:
A good tree cannot
bring forth evil fruit,
neither can a cor-
rupt tree bring forth good
fruit. (Matthew 7:18)
Tat is total gibberish and also seriously calls
into question the whole story about the Gar-
den of Eden. But I digress again.
So read, enjoy, perhaps even learn, but
most importantly: judge harshlyso that I
may.
Artists rendering of you,
right now.
nt
e
l known
e main
s zine.
passage
f judg-
that
ble.
ot
e
n
o
odd
tu
you
I think
this zin
Bu
ity wo
furthe
just read
Matthew
A i d i f
FONDlIGNE______
6
Full gallery at www.FondLigne.com/OWS/
MAY 2012 Occupy Wall Street _
FONDlIGNE______
8
MAY 2012 _
DROPPING oUT
WHAT IT

S LIKE AND WHY

Y
ou iaiiio a quairii oi c\x last
year, so were going to need to sched-
ule you a second gym class this year. Be-
lieve it or not, that was the last straw. Tat
made me decide that high school was just
not worth it anymore. It was certainly not
the worst aspect of high school or my high
school experience, and I know its petty, but
two gym classes is two too many. I was upset
then, but looking back now Id like to take
this chance to thank all of the circumstances
that materialized concurrently at the begin-
ning of my senior year of high school that
caused me to take my chances and drop out.
When I decided to drop out it was one
of those moments where I felt exceptionally
clear-headed and as if I had just risen to a
new plateau. No more would I have to try to
nnd a way to make school work for me when
I could just leave the building. Exceptional!
Tat feeling never faded and I stand by my
decision.
Troughout all my time in schools I was
told that if I didnt think something was
worthwhile or useful I should try to intelli-
gently explain why and change it. Tis strat-
egy was not very successful in elementary
school as I dont think teachers enjoy having
a seven-year-old try to tell them what to do.
Failing that, I was taught to just do itnot
that I ever actually did.
In the nfth grade I gave private school a
try. Private school, or at least that private
school, was no better than public school.
All through this time I was told that the
next thing would be better. ird grade is
where it gets serious. No, Fourth. No, private
school. Middle school is better. No, middle
schools just preparation for how great high
school is. Well, there I was: the nnal year of
high school. Te next thing was, as I had al-
WHY
Photograph inspired by Chinese dissident artist Ai Weiweis Study of Perspective.
__ F O N D l I G N E _ _ _ _ _ _
13
OPINION:
OBAMA SHOULD NOT TAKE
CREDIT FOR STRANGLING BIN
LADEN WITH BARE HANDS
O
naxas caii xivii iaiis ro axazi
me, but recently I believe that he
crossed the line. Hes been strutting around
taking credit for
strangling Osama
Bin Laden with his
bare hands. Un-
believable! To take
credit for something
that he himself did.
Te enrontery!
Just today my wife
asked me if I had
gotten the groceries,
as she had requested
I do, and I replied:
No, I didnt get the
groceries. Te farmer
who grew them and
the truck driver who
drove them to the
store and the stock-
ist who put them on
the shelf and the cashier who I paid got the
groceries. I cant believe that you would have
the nerve to ask if I got the groceries.
Te fact that Obama did not once give
any credit to his personal trainer for the re-
cent increased focus on hand strengthening
exercises or to Sony for providing the head-
mounted camcorder that Obama used to
nlm the act or to Bin Laden for his notori-
uously brittle trachea just reveals how much
of a grandstanding show-on Obama really is.
And lets be honest, who among us would
not have done the same had we been in the
same position? Yes, of course. Provided
that I had the in-
telligence to know
that Bin Laden was
in Pakistan and
the resources to go
there (and the will
to take the risk of
being wrong and
just violating their
sovereignty, leaving
me in a world of
shit) and the fur-
tiveness to sneak
into Bin Ladens
compound and the
strength to squeeze
the life out of Bin
Laden I would have
done it myself. Hey,
I might as well take
credit for killing Bin Laden now.
Tis type of thing really makes me long
for the days of George W. Bush. Now there
was a guy who knew how to give credit
where its due. Never once did he take full
credit for even things that he was fully re-
sponsible for. Even nowadays Republicans
are gracious enough to give full credit to
Barack Obama for two failed wars and the
recession.
Grandstander-in-chief
FONDlIGNE______
12
MAY 2012 _
Poem
I
know
that poems
belong in my zine
But lets be honest
most of them
are shit
and
people just
want to look at
all of the
enjambement
So heres this nonsense
to fulnll that need
I hope that
you
nnd it
pleasing to
the eyes even
if it does not
please the
heart
__ F O N D l I G N E _ _ _ _ _ _
9
ways known, illusory. Also illusory was the
notion of changing one aspect of school to
make it better as a whole. Teres no single
aspect or group of aspects that I nnd unde-
sirable about school; its school that I nnd
undesirable. Do not confuse this with nnd-
ing education undesirable. Te American
education system is antiquated. Nudging
the edges and tinkering with a couple things
here and there does not make it better, but
only helps to perpetuate the illusion that it
can be modernized. It cannot. We need not
be trapped in the 19
th
century, but we are.
So, when given the choice between a se-
nior year with two gym classes or making the
statement Id been born to make, the choice
was easy: DROP OUT!
S
o xow i was a oioiour, but the world
was not my oyster yetI needed my
GED. I looked up the addresses of GED
testing centers in New Jersey. Upon a quick
Google Maps search of a number of these
centers it appeared that GED administra-
tion was a popular cover business for crack
dens. I settled on the testing center with
the most respectable faade: Community
Learning Center in Edison.
Just in case this center turned out to be as
derelict in real life as the others appeared to
be on Google Maps, I had my mom come
with me.
We nrst went to the testing center some-
time in late September to register for the
exam. Te nrst human activity we saw
there was two octogenarian women sitting
in wheelchairs outside smoking; just the
type of hooligan youd expect to be taking
the GED. Inside there was a sad assortment
of the senescent milling about. Some were
amputees; others had glazed eyes and didnt
seem to know where they were. Its a good
thing I wasnt alone, otherwise at this point
I might have just turned around and gone
back to high school on my knees begging
to be let back in. We asked at the desk to
make sure that this was the GED testing
center. It turns out that the Community
Learning Center is in the same building as
Roosevelt Care Center long-term care and
hospice. Te reception lady told us to go to
the third noor for the GED.
On the third noor we passed by tiny, noisy
rooms being used for GED prep classes.
Te fact that there was anything complex
enough on the GED to necessitate teaching
worried me, so I made a mental note to learn
to convert cups to bushels. Just in case.
Te women who taught the GED prep
classes and ran the testing center were two
retired teachers. Tey looked like the type
of kind old teacher I had always imagined
TAKING THE GED
One such crack-den testing center.
FONDlIGNE______
10
MAY 2012 _
I would have had in elementary school, but
never did. Tey seemed to have been at least
mildly used to having dropouts like me, who
werent dumb or impoverished, come take
the GED to skirt the system, although they
were still surprised that I had dropped out of
Westneld High School.
In the days leading up to the test I took
many practice GED tests online and I per-
formed only slightly above average. I began
to worry a little that maybe the real GED
would be harder or could have been recently
updated to become more dimcult.
On the day of the test I arrived 20 minutes
early. I took the elevator up to the room and
watched the other test-takers nlter into the
classroom: nrst, an apparently frequent GED
taker who had not registered for this exam
date and was turned away, then some urban
20-somethings followed by a couple of guys
that looked a little like
jocks and a middle aged
woman. Some groups of
people talked about their
past attempts at the GED
and how close they were,
while others (not me, I
swear) talked about how
relieved they were to be
out of high school and
how they should have
done this years ago. I was
surprised and a little wor-
ried about how many of
these people were repeat
takers.
I went to use the bath-
room and, although not
unisex, there was a young
man and woman in the
same stall making moan-
ing noiseswhat could
they have been doing in
there? Relieved, I mused
to myself: If these people
cant even gure out single-
sex bathrooms, its no wonder they failed the
GED.
Te test began. Te nrst couple of ques-
tions were easy. e rst questions are always
easy, I thought to myself, dont get cocky
yet. Well, it turns out I could have gotten
cocky weeks earlier; the test never got much
more dimcult. Overall, it was much easier
than even the HSPA. Tere was one ques-
tion where I thought I would be able to use
my new skill of converting cups to bush-
els: If you have two cups of oats and three
bushels of barley, OK, think Evan, you got
this. how many cups of oats do you have?
Wait, what? Two.
A drawing I made while seething in Mr. Jacobsens class.
__ F O N D l I G N E _ _ _ _ _ _
11
An old-timey phone booth in the nursing home where I took my GED exam.