CONSULTANCY: Ways to Solve Family Issues

By: Siti Zulaikha Hj. Mohd. Noor, UKM Sinar Rohani Magazine, November 2003

Consultancy is not something new but has existed alongside the existence of human society. Nowadays, consultancy may differ in ways and methods, and not professionally (ikhtisas).

For the Muslim community in Malaysia, the term marriage consultancy was first introduced together with the implementation of Islamic Law in the early 80s. However, the fact is, marriage consultancy has long been practised amongst the Malay community in Malaysia. However, the practice may not reflect the term used today. Similarly, the methods and techniques may not be the same as is practised today.

The spirit of working together and kinship amongst the Muslim community in the villages is still strong and intimate, thus, every issue regarding family matters are discussed together. Hence, the Malay proverb a trouble shared is a trouble halved (berat sama dipikul, ringan sama dijinjing) and united we stand (muafakat itu membawa berkat). This starts from the smallest form of action which is the preparation for dowry until the management of the marriage feast.

Another factor that creates relationship gap between the younger and the older generation is when the younger ones start working and residing in the cities, thus the relationship with their parents and grandparents become distant. It is difficult for them to get advice and guidance from the older generation. In such situation, they do not have an outlet to express their feelings. The lifestyle in the cities is one of the contributing factors that expedite the societys need for marriage consultancy. This same factor has also led to the strengthening of marriage consultancy services in developed countries such as the United States of America and England.

Factors that Lead to Marriage Conflicts The factors that lead to marriage conflicts often reported to the Syariah Courts are as follows: i) Husbands and wifes failure to understand their responsibilities in marriage especially when they marry at a young age. ii) iii) iv) v) vi) vii) viii) ix) x) xi) Meddling by the in-laws. Ill-tempered husband. Flirtatious husband/wife. Overly jealous wife. Husband has affairs with other women. Husband is incapable of provision (nafkah). Adultery. Sexual ability imbalance. Wife refuses to polygamy. Wife is infertile.

Marriage Problems Marriage problems can be divided into four main sections: a) Economy b) Personal (emotional and physical) c) Sex d) Social

a. Economy Besides fulfilling psychological needs, a marriage must also fulfil economic needs. In other words, besides loving the wife, the husband is also responsible to fulfil monetary needs of his wife and children. There are economic aspects that often cause marriage problems such as: i) ii) A husband who is incapable of providing enough monetary support. A husband who purposely neglect to provide enough monetary support.
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iii) iv) v)

A wife who wants more than the husband can provide. A husband who extorts the wifes wealth. If both the husband and wife work, there is no give and take spirit in managing the household economy.

b. Personal Problems resulting from personal issues are problems caused by the physical and emotional states of the husband or wife. An example can be a husbands or a wifes physical illness - a husband with a physical illness which prevents him from working or satisfying his wife; or a wife who is bedridden or unable to conceive. Meanwhile, examples of emotional problems are a husband who is ill-tempered, grouchy or has the tendency to act violently towards his wife; or the wife is too ferocious or overly jealous.

There was once a case where the husband was too jealous and refused to trust his wife who was in good terms with a male office mate. He had already divorced his wife twice. When his background was analysed, it was revealed that the husband was traumatised by his parents failed marriage. Similarly, his sisters marriages were also problematic.

c. Sexual Normally, sexual problems happen due to imbalance in sexual activities. First: Husband/wife who has high sexual desire or a husband who is cold when it comes to sex or has lost his sexual capability. Second: Ignorance or lack of knowledge on fulfilling sexual desire that one thinks that his/her partner could not fulfil his/her sexual needs. Third: Husband is very physical when it comes to sexual relationship or has bizarre needs. Fourth: Husband/wife has sexual relationship with other people.

d. Social Social aspects which often cause marriage conflicts include social relationship amongst family members (relationship with other people). Such marriage conflict may happen when the husband/wife refuses to respect his/her in-laws or is not friendly with the sister/brother-in-laws. Similarly, conflicts may also happen if the parents are not affectionate towards their children. Marriage conflicts may turn worst if there is no conformity between the husband and wife. For instance, if the husband puts his work as priority that he has no time for his wife and children.

Meanwhile, a relationship involving other people outside the family may occur when the husband or wife has intimate relationship with another person or has committed adultery. It may also happen when the husband or wife likes to flirt.

Marriage Consultancy from Islamic Perspectives In reality, Islam has recommended certain principles for forming, maintaining and improving marriages. However, the techniques or approaches need to be adapted according on the current trends. Consultancy in the field of family matters is needed at the following three stages based on events that happened during the era of Rasulullah (peace and blessings be upon him) and his companions:

First: At the early stage when choosing a partner. Second: When marriage conflict happens. Third: For couples who have been married for a long time and suddenly lose the sparks or love towards the spouse.

i. Pre-marriage consultancy Pre-marriage consultancy refers to the consultancy given before a man or woman chooses his or her partner. Islam has stated the characteristics that must be followed and avoided when choosing a life partner. For example, in a hadith, Rasulullah (peace and blessings be upon him) stated that religious characteristics to
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be the main priority even though people often look at wealth, beauty and stature. In another hadith, Rasulullah (peace and blessings be upon him) warned against marrying a beautiful woman for such is a starter of evil deeds.

One of the factors that can strengthen marriage ties is the feeling of love for the prospective husband or wife. Hence, Islam proposes to see each prospect based on the discipline as outlined by syara. A prospective husband is only allowed to see just the face and both palms of the future wife, no more than that.

Besides that, after the solemnisation, there is a marriage sermon which explains further the responsibilities of a husband and wife. Hence, it is important for the couple to listen to the sermon. The marriage sermon needs to be properly compiled and comprehensive. Even though nowadays there are pre-nuptial courses available and even gaining popularity, most are just about the general rules of being husband and wife according to the laws perspective.

There are other factors that can complement such courses which include issues related to family expenses, family management and parenting skills. Obviously, such early consultancy is more focussed on mere guidance, explanation and discussion.

ii. Consultancy in times of marriage conflict In Fiqh, there is a term called nusyuz. Nusyuz means a situation where a husband or wife refuses to carry out his or her responsibility as required by syara. There is very clear instruction if a wife refuses to respect her husband.

The initial step is to advise the wife.

Secondly, if the nusyuz continues even after being advised, then the husband can sleep separately from the wife.

Thirdly, the husband may hit the wife gently, so as to teach but not to hurt her at sensitive places such as the face.

However, if the husband is the one who commits nusyuz, the wife needs to report the case to the Qadhi.

When nusyuz happens at a critical stage, it is called shiqaq. When shiqaq occurs, there is one peace institution advised by Islam known as the Judge (Hakam). Islam suggests that a hakam be appointed for each of the husband and wife.

Nusyuz by the wife arises when there is critical misunderstanding or the wife has become so hateful of her husband that she is willing to perform khuluk. Nusyuz by the wife may happen due to the wifes own attitude or the husbands abominable attitude.

Nusyuz by the husband may happen when the wife is unwell for a long period of time due to ageing. A wife who acknowledges this problem may give in such as by giving her turn to another wife. Such situation happened to Saudah, the wife of Rasulullah (peace and blessings be upon him) who was old and gave her turn to Aishah.

At this stage, the type of consultation required is of a direct participation to the problems faced by both parties. Thus, the concept of hakam fulfils the need because representatives from both parties are those who understand the people they represent. However, in a complex society, obviously there are more aspects ventured into which makes it appropriate that the parties involved as a member of hakam should come from various backgrounds.

iii. Consultation for couples who have been married for a long time There are two situations for couples who have been married for a long time:
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First: There are couples who still love each other, that their relationship becomes stronger as their marriage gets older, because at that stage the marriage creates a feeling of needing each other and friendship between the two of them.

Second: There are couples whose marriage lost its lustre and love with time (length of marriage of seven years and above)

As the objective of a marriage is to maintain mawaddah (love) and sakinah (peace) in a marriage, and that divorce is a legal matter most detested by Allah s.w.t, the main motives of consultation at this stage are: a) To rejuvenate the couples relationship. b) To provide guidance to arrange life programme in order to prevent boredom and loneliness; c) As marriage in this category involves older people, there may also be other problems that arise either from aspects of social, economy, mental, physical, and so forth. If the problem faced is too serious, then it needs to be resolved or, if need be, referred to those with the expertise.

In conclusion, the form of consultation at this stage is more towards creating awareness and as a reminder as well as curative and rehabilitative in nature.

Consultancy According to Islamic Family Law Perspective in Malaysia Prior to the 80s, there was a realisation to place a female officer at the Qadhi office as the assistant to the Qadhi. The first state to create the position of Female Officer is Selangor. This was then followed by the other states. The officers appointed are the assistants to the Qadhi in addressing complaints and to tend to the complainants.

It turns out that the Muslim community in Malaysia which is growing rapidly with
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the development process is faced with a certain reality. This reality, which consists of elements that can undermine the human values, has begun to spread, not only in the cities but also in the villages. As a result, human moral ethics have deteriorated, materialism becomes vital values and household problems are on the rise.

Therefore, the implementation of Islamic Family Law aims to create happy families and provide protection to people who are ill-treated. In order to achieve the objectives, we cannot assume that the punishments stated in the law can overcome all family issues. We need to consider that at times the mistakes committed by humans may result from their lack of awareness, disturbed souls and other issues. Thus, it is fair that before a person is punished, he/she is advised or cured. And it is hoped that the almost broken marriage can be salvaged.

In actual fact, there is no specific provision for marriage consultancy in family law. However, indirectly, there is an allocation which requires the court to advise both parties before granting a divorce. For example, if one party agrees to a divorce and the court is satisfied that the marriage cannot be salvaged, then the court needs to advise the husband to announce the divorce (talaq).

Whereas, in situations where one party does not agree with the divorce and there is a possibility of reconciliation, the court needs to appoint a Peace Committee consisting of a Religious Officer (Chairman) and two other people to represent the husband and wife respectively.

In addition, there is the hakam institution to resolve shiqaq between the husband and wife. If the first appointed hakam fails to find a resolution, then a new hakam will be appointed.

Nowadays, we need to fully understand the teachings of Islam in order to achieve peace in this world and hereafter. Therefore, the principles of building a marriage
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according to Islamic perspectives need to be completely understood and upheld. Based on what is happening in the society, marriage consultation amongst the Muslim community needs to be improved and enhanced. Hence, it is suggested that:

a) Every marriage and divorce registration office has a Consultancy Unit. b) Every Consultancy Unit has male and female Counsellors. c) The State Government needs to make provisions for Counsellor positions. d) A Counsellor needs to have a First Degree in Syariah and a Diploma in consultancy. e) Every Islamic Family Enactment needs to make specific provisions regarding the Consultancy Unit, its jurisdictions and tasks. f) Provisions regarding Peace Committee and Hakam need to be revised in line with the provisions for the Consultancy Unit.