HOME REMEDY Written by Tom Bailey

tmbailey@gmail.com

EXT. BACKYARD - DAY Dressed in a bathrobe, HEIDI, 20s, picks slightly deformed lemons from a tree, placing them in a basket. Heidi is somewhat plain, but not unattractive. She wears a FORCED SMILE that matches her faux-cheery INTERIOR MONOLOGUE... HEIDI (V.O.) Fresh lemons. Fresh lemons from my lemon tree. Well, not really my lemon tree, since its on the neighbors property. But still, fresh lemons, the very essence of springtime. Mother earths tartest little treats. Picked freshly from branches hanging over my property. A bit deformed, sure. But still, lemons. From my yard. With all their glorious healing powers... A dog BARKS in the distance. This RATTLES Heidi for a second, but she manages to recover. HEIDI (V.O.) (CONTD) Dogs... Hmmm... All that love, wrapped in a furry little package. Not their fault they dont get loved in return. So they bark, and bark, as if that will make people love them. As if it were that simple. As if screaming love me! ever worked for anybody. Except maybe that little Kardashian... Not that Im judging. Not. Judging. INT. KITCHEN - DAY - MINUTES LATER Heidi SQUEEZES a lemon, depositing its juice into a bucket. She SQUEEZES another, and lemon juice squirts into her eye. While she does this, she HUMS a CHEERFUL TUNE in her head. SERIES OF SHOTS - HEIDI FORMULATING HER CONCOCTION A) Her eyes watering, Heidi CHOPS ONIONS and adds them. B) Heidi PEELS a CARROT into the bucket. C) Heidi CHOPS the head off of a pineapple and drops chunks of it into the bucket. D) Now its time for the spices: Heidi adds a BUNCH of SPICES to the mixture, then some BAKING SODA, WHISKEY, ETC. RETURN TO SCENE

2. Heidi MIXES the concoction with a wooden spoon, still determinedly HUMMING a CHEERFUL TUNE in her head. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Heidi LIMPS from the kitchen into the living room, the bucket in her hands. She WINCES; every step seems excruciating. Heidi sets the bucket down and COLLAPSES onto the sofa. INHALES deeply, then EXHALES. Deep... HEIDI (V.O.) Breath... She

Heidi lifts her feet onto the coffee table and considers them for a moment. Then she removes the sock on her left foot, revealing an OBSCENE amount of WARTS, covering her toes. HEIDI (V.O.) (CONTD) Culprit number one. Heidi takes another DEEP BREATH, then removes the sock on her left foot, which is even worse: the WARTS are BLACK and BLUE, and seem to be EATING UP her entire foot. HEIDI (V.O.) (CONTD) Culprit number two. The sound of a DOOR OPENING. It startles Heidi, and she PLOPS her feet into the bucket. GRETCHEN, 20s, enters from the hallway. She is a pretty girl, dressed only in panties and a large T-shirt that is clearly not hers. GRETCHEN Good morning. Morning. HEIDI

Gretchen crosses the room, on her way into the kitchen. Heidi EYES Gretchens manicured feet, CHEERFULLY counting off her light-footed steps as she walks. HEIDI (V.O.) (CONTD) (high-pitched) One, two, one, two, one, two. The sound of a door CLOSING. Heidi STARES straight ahead, still FORCING a SMILE, which seems slightly more FORCED. HEIDI (V.O.) (CONTD) Not judging. Still not judging. Ill bet hes nice. Probably a good kisser. (MORE)

3. HEIDI (V.O.) (CONTD) Probably a tender lover. Whispers things into her ear while hes on top, calls her baby. No. Mama. His eucalyptus breath. His sweat, oozing from his pores in little droplets of pure earthy nectar. His love nectar. Thats right, I said it: love nectar. Because thats what its all about with him -- love. Or maybe its about passion. But restrained passion, loving passion. Hes a lover, not a fighter. He cant possibly hold back -- not for a second. Doesnt matter what kind of hoe-bag drops to her knees in front of him. Hes a ladies man. A Don Juan. Women want him, men want to be like him, and all that -A door OPENS. Heidi quickly REACHES across the sofa and PICKS UP a magazine. She fakes reading it just in time, as Gretchen ENTERS again. On her way through the room, Gretchen SMILES at Heidi, then GIGGLES in excitement. Heidis eyes LIGHT UP in silent support. Gretchen EXITS. The smile leaves Heidis face. The sound of a DOOR CLOSING, a MUFFLED MALE VOICE. Heidi PRIMPS herself. HEIDI (V.O.) (CONTD) Hes coming out next, probably. Has to relieve himself. Mmm-hmm. Probably walk out shirtless, smiling bashfully, modestly, rubbing his thumb down his chest, onto his rippling stomach, or maybe just tousle his hair with a smirk -Heidi notices the water in the bucket has turned deep black and viscous like used motor oil. The blackness has also started to coarse through the veins in her legs. HEIDI (V.O.) (CONTD) Oh, no, no. Shit! Hes coming out. He cant see this. No -Heidi tries to remove her feet, but they are STUCK in the bucket. The BLACKNESS spreads up her legs. Heidi reaches for a blanket to cover herself, but its too far away. Her eyes dart around the room as the MUFFLED MALE VOICE gets louder. The DOOR OPENS. Heidi FREEZES in panic. Then, she HACKS up a ball of BLACK GOO that SPLATTERS into the face of the viewer. FADE TO BLACK.