BOUNDARIES

Jeanette Nadonley, DC, BA November 10, 2012

Boundary

Definition: Boundary - A thing which serves to mark the limits of something; the limit itself, a dividing line.

Boundaries

Notice the absence of the word "rejection" in that definition? That's because boundaries -- whether physical, psychological or emotional -- are NOT rejections. Nevertheless, people frequently interpret boundaries as a rejection, or are afraid to set boundaries for themselves for fear that someone else will interpret their boundary as a rejection. To set the record straight once and for all: a boundary is not intended as a rejection, nor should it be interpreted as one. But why, then, are boundaries so misunderstood?

Boundaries

The Great Boundary Misunderstanding is the common inclination to interpret a boundary in a black-and-white way. Black-and-white thinking means that there is no gray -- no middle ground. Boundaries will not always be clear-cut, and circumstances can change them.

Boundaries

The boundary dilemma and the fear of rejection becomes a compounded problem for many people with dysfunction. Dysfunctional families are often dysfunctional in large part because they DON'T set healthy boundaries. As a result, during their crucial years of development, the children of substance abusing or dysfunctional parents very frequently ARE rejected by their loved ones. Children from dysfunctional families commonly develop a hypersensitivity to rejection as a result.

Boundaries

However difficult it may be for a given individual to deal with boundaries, the fact remains that boundaries are a healthy, normal, and necessary part of life. Boundaries are a way to manage one's life and one's interpersonal relationships -- a way to set limits. The next time you need to set a boundary, or accept a boundary that someone else has set, just remember: a boundary is simply a boundary and not a rejection.

Boundaries

Most of the adults in our lives tend to fall into one of two categories: Bulldozers or Doormats. Bulldozers may appear to take care of themselves, but their version of self-care does not take other peoples needs into consideration. Bulldozers need to win, to have their needs taken care of, and feel entitled to do so at the expense of the other person.

Boundaries

This is not boundary-setting. Boundarysetting considers the needs of the other person, although it does not always accommodate them. In other words, My way or the highway is bulldozing, not boundarysetting.

Boundaries

Doormats function as though they had no boundaries. They are agreeable, nice, FINE. (At least until their resentment builds up to one nasty tolerance break, after which they can make the meanest Bulldozer look pretty tame.) Doormats are terribly accommodating, but do so at the expense of their own needs. They tend to be on the losing end of most conflicts. However, by not sticking up for themselves, they can not only avoid many conflicts, but they also get to look good, be self-righteous, and validate a self-perception of helplessness and victimization. So when you think about it, theres a great payoff for being a Doormat, but theres also a high price to pay in the loss of ones self.

Boundaries

These patterns have nothing to do with boundary-setting, although Doormats often function in the hope that being nice enough will inspire the people around them to figure out and accommodate their needs. Boundarysetting always takes ones own needs into account and relies on honest and direct communication, (rather than manipulation and clairvoyance).

Boundaries

Setting boundaries is not a more sophisticated way of manipulation - although some people will say they are setting boundaries, when in fact they are attempting to manipulate. The difference between setting a boundary in a healthy way and manipulating is: when we set a boundary we let go of the outcome.

Boundaries

"It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who has no boundaries, with someone who cannot communicate directly, and honestly. Learning how to set boundaries is a necessary step in learning to be a friend to ourselves. It is our responsibility to take care of ourselves - to protect ourselves when it is necessary.

Boundaries

The purpose of having boundaries is to protect and take care of ourselves.

Dont Take It Personally

We cannot possibly understand someone elses motivations for what they do or what they say, what they dont do or what they dont say. We cannot understand because we are not them. We do not live inside their skin, their mind, their life. We do not have their history, their fears, their passions, their assumptions, their scars, their hopes or dreams or disappointments.

Dont Take It Personally

Nor can they possibly know what life is like inside our skin, our mind, our heart, and thus tailor their responses and interactions with us accordingly. They do not know us, therefore they are not the one pushing our buttons or getting under our skin, if that is what is happening. We are the only one who knows us that well and can do that. So to take something personally, is the height of ego-driven behavior.

Dont Take It Personally

When buttons get pushed, feelings get hurt, fears get activated, anger gets unleashed, or shame rears its ugly head as a result of our interactions with others, it is instead simply a clear signal from within that something is wounded and needs our attention.

Dont Take It Personally

The other person may never know and certainly never will unless we show it that they have impacted us in any way with their behavior or comments. The same goes for us, in our interactions with others.

Boundaries with Mentees Family

Setting Boundaries with your Mentees family is very important. In order for the mentormentee relationship to progress, other interfering obstacles hinder the working relationship.

Final Thought on Mentoring

It is good I have some one to help me, he said. Right here in my hat on the top of my head! It is good that I have her Here with me today. She helps me a lot. This is Little Cat A. And then Little Cat A took the hat off HER head. It is good I have some one To help ME, she said . This is Little Cat B. I keep him about, and when I need help then I let him come out.
The Cat in the Hat Comes Back & Dr. Seuss Enterprises, 1958.