The Counseling Relationship

Chapter 2

B. Accurate empathy

Definition of empathy

Understand the clients experience and Feel with the clients experience without being engulfed by it Good internal boundary: You need to maintain a certain objectivity in the midst of cognitive and emotional involvement with your clients situation Key attitude: Your clients problem is not your problem You dont have to solve your clients problems for them. Meaning of consolation

Good empathy allows for

Increase clients sense of safety Increase feelings of being understood Promote client exploration

Two steps to empathic understanding

Empathic rapport accurately sensing the clients world and seeing things the way client does Communication attunement Verbally sharing your understanding with the client

How do you know the client feels understood?

Yes, thats it Exactly Yeah, so [client elaborates more]

Empathy is not sympathy

Empathy understanding and communicating your understanding of the client Sympathy feeling bad and sorry for the client

Consolation

Consolation is a beautiful word. It means "to be" (con-) "with the lonely one" (solus). To offer consolation is one of the most important ways to care. Life is so full of pain, sadness, and loneliness that we often wonder what we can do to alleviate the immense suffering we see. We can and must offer consolation.

Consolation
To console does not mean to take away the pain but rather to be there and say, "You are not alone, I am with you. Together we can carry the burden. Don't be afraid. I am here." That is consolation. We all need to give it as well as to receive it.

Way to communicate empathy reflection

You are like a mirror that reflects back what a client is saying The reason is so that client could see for themselves the ideas that they throw out You can reflect the clients words, feelings or tone of voice

Reflective listening

You can use these words as starters

So youre saying that Let me know if I understand you correctly. You said that I hear from you that Seems like you are feeling Your voice went really soft as you were saying that. Wow, sounds like. That really sucks.

TRIAD EXERCISE 2

Get into your triad groups as counsellor, client, and observer. Rotate your roles so that each person has a chance at each role The client should begin by sharing a concern or issue with the counselor The counsellor should

Listen to the client Verbalize to the client what he or she heard Note whether counsellor is able to reflect back what the client is saying accurately See whether and when a misunderstanding has occurred

The observer should

C. Shame and the empathy bond

Shame and guilt

Guilt you broke a rule, and therefore your conscience tells you something is wrong. It is resolved through biting the bullet and forgiving yourself Shame you feel shame when you break a social rule which may or may not be valid.

Normal shame resolved through speaking about it, letting go of other peoples expectations of you Problematic shame hidden, repressed, causing incredible self-loathing

Shame on you!

The undercurrent of every therapeutic session is shame every client feels a sense of shame for having failed at something.

Counselors need to

Be aware of clients shame and guilt feelings. If the client acknowledges to these feelings, be gracious. Everyone makes mistakes at some point of their lives, including YOURSELF!! Reflect the clients sense of guilt or shame. It must have been difficult carrying this feeling inside. Help the client differentiate false guilt from true guilt

Shame arises due to lack of parental empathy

The client can be ultra sensitive to counselors rejection or abandonment Will you demolish me if I told you this? The counsellor can foster trust with the client by being genuinely accepting of the client, valuing the client. Value the client You accept the clients personhood, not what the client has done or is doing, whether good or bad.

What do you do with the scum of the earth?

D. Congruence

Being real Does not mean you express all your feelings about the client indiscriminately Only share what is helpful to the client. This involves

Feedback statements by counsellors Self-disclosure

Be real. But who are you, really?

Who are you?

E. Self-disclosure

Self-disclosure

Definition statements that reveal something about yourself You are a person, not just a role

Aspects of self-disclosure

The counselors own issues Facts about the counselors role The counselors reaction tot eh client (feedback) The counselors reaction to the clientcounselor relationship

Self-disclosure should be

Client-centered always ask your client afterwards, How does that sound to you? Dont allow your clients to take care of you. Not intimate revealing too much of yourself to your client may undermine their confidence in you. Best types of self-disclosure 3 and 4

How do you handle clients questions about your personal life?

Its really up to you whether you want to tell them If you do, be brief Then, turn the focus back on the client

F. Sharing and feedback statements

Statements that convey what is going on and your feelings about it

Im glad you shared that with me. If that happened to me, Id feel very angry. I dont feel like were getting anywhere right now. That makes me feel good to hear you say that.

G. Positive feedback statements

Positive feedback more welcomed than negative feedback, especially at the beginning of therapy Focus on client strengths and effecting coping Guidelines for positive feedback

A thought or feeling of the counsellor. When I hear you say that, I feel Dont accuse or blame Be more specific than Youre really great! Link the feedback to clients goals for therapy

H. A climate of safety

Clients may test the counselors boundaries