Love and Logic

Jim Fay and Charles Fay, Ph.D.

Presented by- Aimee Goodson Herbert Counselor Kay Granger Elementary

www.loveandlogic.com

There will never be enough rewards or consequences to get tough kids to want to behave and learn if we are not first developing relationships. -Charles Fay

Philosophy of Love and Logic

Choice and freedom to make mistakes. Adult demonstrates empathy and compassion.

Child takes responsibility of his/her actions.

Child learns from the consequences of his/her mistake.

Be involved in your kids education.

(We want you to hover them and punish them for bad grades.)

We would like you to provide a warm, loving, supportive home for your child to go home to. One where they have feel a sense of purpose and belonging through jobs, roles, and responsibilities they fulfill in the family.

Parenting Styles
Helicopter

Drill Sergeant Consultant

Helicopter
As child sends the SOS flare, helicopter parents are ready and hovering nearby to swoop in and shield them from teachers, playmates, and peers. Message sentYou cant help yourself. I have to do it for you.

Why is this not good?

UNEQUIPPED for life Learning opportunities STOLE from them. In order to grow children must learn from their mistakes The REAL WORLD does not run on the bail-out principal.

Drill Sergeant
Commands Message SentYou cant think. I have to think for you.

Why is this not good? Children:

Become DEPENDENT on their parents for the answers Fall into PEER PRESSURE more easily because they are used to being told what to do Do not learn how to make decisionsopportunity to make mistakes and see natural consequences arise is robbed from them. Become followers as they have been taught

Laissez-faire parents:

Decide that children should raise themselves Believe that they should be their childs friend Feel guilty and allow them to run free

Why is this not good?

Children need rules and consequences to learn from Children are not adults and can not self-regulate Parents are parents, not friends

Consultant
Shares alternatives Message sentYou are capable and can make wise decisions. You are responsible.

Consultant
Modeling Focus is relationship instead of task achievement Ask questions Stay Calm Choices and natural consequences.

Love and Logic

Love allows kids to grow through their mistakes. Logic allows them to live with the consequences of their choices.

Responsibility cannot be taught, it must be caught.

- Jim and Charles Fay

I am sure you will remember on your own, but if you dont, youll sure learn from the experience.

Misbehaving

Results from the child taking the only choice available to them in order to gain some control. Can lead to power struggles. Can be eliminated or maintained through choices.

Misbehavior Cycle

Child feels low self-concept

Adult shows Anger or frustration

Misbehavior

5 Questions: Is Love and Logic for you?

1. 2. 3. 4.

Think of all the things you have tried in the past. Think of all the things the teachers have tried in the past. Are any of these showing longterm results? Can you think of anything else that makes sense that we could try?

If everything else that makes sense has already been tried, maybe its time to try something that doesnt appear to make sense.

Guide Child to Solve the Problem 5 Steps

Show Empathy- You must feel sad. Send Power Message- What will you do about it? Offer Choices- Would you like to hear what your sister tried? Have child State ConsequencesHow will that work? Allow child to Solve the Problem

Power Struggle? Neutralize it! Go Brain Dead!

You dont love me anymore

I love you too much to argue Maybe so Mmmm I know Maybe so I will love you wherever you live.

It is not fair

You love her more than me

You dont care

Dad wouldnt do that

I am going to run away!

Empathy
Adults must demonstrate a sincere and empathetic response to childs misbehavior. One-liners:

This must really hurt. This is so sad. That is really hard I am sorry you feel that way. I feel bad for you. Bummer It must be hard to feel so frustrated. I will love you wherever you live. I love you too much to argue. I argue between 5-5:30 am.

Let empathy and consequences do the teaching

NOT sarcastic or condescending Keep it short, sweet and repetitive. Express your empathy before your anger or a consequence Delaying your consequence gives you time to think Use less words.lectures dont work

Power Messages

What are you going to do about it? Have you come up with anything so far? I am here to help. Just let me know what you decide to do about it.

Choices
Give choices: If child does not choose, be prepared to choose yourself Be sure to pick choices you can live with Allow the child to live with the consequences
Children must control the problem. If they dont, you could: Steal kids opportunities to learn Become overwhelmed with raising kids Have frequent arguments with your children - Ex: dinner time

Ownership of the Problem

Whos problem is it? Am I upset because hes upset? What happens to me personally? Am I twisting the problem to make it mine?

How to determine when it is not our problem

What is going to happen to me if that problem doesnt get solved? If your answer is nothing, then it is the childs problem.

Allowing children to own the problem allows for them to find ways to solve their problem.

In todays world, we dont want our kids to feel struggle. Why? ALLOW kids to struggle. Dont steal that gift. Help them cope with challenges where they have to learn. -Charles Fay

Choices- Phrasing

Would you rather ______or______?

What would be best for you: ______or______?

Feel free to________ or ________. You can either ______or_______.

Opportunity for Thinking and Decision-Making

Fighting Words Get to work now! Thinking Words Feel free to go out as soon as you have cleaned your room.
OPTIONS HELP REMOVE POWER STRUGGLES

Lectures dont work; kids dont learn through lectures.

-Charles Fay

We would rather they THINK than FIGHT.

-Jim and Charles Fay

Garbage: Training you to ignore my words through nagging and lectures. Fighting invites disobedience.
Gold: Teaching to you listen to my words. Get them THINKING!

Describe what you are going to do or allow instead of telling THEM what to do.

 Garbage:

YOU WILL

Gold: I WILL This is how I am going to do things. You might want to pay attention.

Times can be real tough and you have the opportunity to learn from them. If anyone can cope with them, I bet you can.

Kids learn better from what they tell THEMSELVES.

-Jim and Charles Fay

You are not going to talk to me that way! I will be glad to discuss this with you as soon as the arguing stops.

Would you rather carry your coat or wear it?

If I have told you once, I have told you a thousand times! Get that coat on!

Told you not to spend all your money on toys that just break! Ooooh, you are out of money? Dont worry, allowances come on Saturday.

Get your clothes on Time to get your clothes on! How many times do I have to tell you to get your clothes on! We are going to be late! Feel free to put your clothes on in the privacy of your room or in the car on the way to school.

Would you rather play nicely in the living room or noisy in your room? SSSHHH! Be quiet kids or you will go to your room! Adam is about to sing!

You can either wash your clothes or spend your allowance to have the cleaners do it.

I am NOT picking your clothes.

You need to start respecting me. I will be happy to do nice things for you as soon as I feel respected and helped.

Dinner is served until 7pm. Come to dinner. Hurry up! Get in here. Feel free to enjoy your next meal with the family as soon as the yard is mowed.

Dont you dare raise your voice at me. I will listen to your voice when it is calm like mine.

You get to keep the toys that are picked up. Pick up your toys, now. Yes, you may watch T.V. when your toys are picked up.
Love you too much to argue. So, what did I say?

Charles Fay believes that the fastest way to put a teenager in danger is to let them drive for free.

Hope you can drive one day. In this family, the only people who can afford it get to drive.

Follow Through

Now, you have to keep your word. It might be difficult. Do NOT show your disappointment or anger at their poor decisionmaking. Remember, the consequence should speak for itself.

Dream World
Thanks, Dad, I feel a lot more secure now that I know you mean what you say. I appreciate your loving me enough to set limits.

Let Consequences and Empathy do the Teaching

Consequences allow:

Child to be involved in the decision Child to hurt from the inside out Child to develop a new plan of reacting Parent to be friendly and helpful Child to see adult modeling problemsolving techniques Child to learn about real world consequences

Kids need to think HARDER about their problems than the adults around them. -Charles Fay

Punishment vs. Consequence

Punishments allow: Adult to make decision Child is hurt from the outside in Child to pay for his past deed Adult to display anger Child to feel the imposition of power Child to learn about the imposition of power

Child Chooses Consequence

What are you going to do about it?

How do you plan to solve the problem?

The Teaching Value of a Consequence

You will destroy the teaching value if you: Say, This will teach you a lesson. Display anger Explain the value of the consequence Threaten Talk too much Give in!

Immediate Consequence
Looks like today you decided to wait until we get in the car to eat your breakfast. Its sad that you wrecked your car. Looks like you wont be driving until the damage is paid for. Im sure glad youre home. Why dont you stick around tomorrow night so I dont have to worry about you. Looks like you have decided to do your own laundry this weekend. Let me know if you need me to show you how. The way you two fight is really taking some of my happiness away. Feel free to come out of your rooms when you are pleasant to be around.

Delayed Consequence
When you are too angry or frustrated to use empathy- DELAY THE CONSEQUENCE! Delayed consequences: Child has to do more thinking about it than we do. Child owns the problem. We have time to think about an appropriate consequence that is reasonable. There is less chance of blowing up and making a threat that you cant back up.

Delayed Consequence
Im not sure what Im going to do. Ill let you know after dinner. This is so sad. I am going to have to do something about this. But not now, later. Try not to worry about it. I am too angry right now. I make better decisions when I am calm.

If a child causes a problems, it should be NO problem for the adult; but a BIG problem for the child. -Charles Fay

TRAINING SESSIONS for building responsibility

Give the child a task he can handle Hope the child blows it Let equal parts of empathy and consequence do the teaching Give the same task again

STEP 1 Give the child a task he can handle

2. Hope the child blows it?

Teaches a real world lesson Helps children find new solutions Gives children an opportunity to fail in a safe environment

3. Let empathy and consequences do the talking . . .

Be empathetic before you share the bad news Empathy builds relationships Children must learn that mistakes hurt them When the adult gets angry the message gets lost Children need to attend to how to make better choices, not to their parents anger Consequences allow the child to own the problem

4. Have them do the same task again

Children learn from their mistakes Communicates to children that you trust them Says, You are capable

Let them fail . . .

Gives them a chance to learn Helps them to understand that every action has a consequence, both good and bad Learns the lesson of decision making early so that harder decisions are easier later Learns the skills of decision making and problem solving

Learning at a time when it is an affordable price

Little kids.little problems Big kids.bigger problems

Mean what you say, say what you mean

Consistency is key If you dont follow through your child takes on the lottery mentality If it is new, your child will test you

Sameness= LOVE
The message you are sending: I love you enough to create a same and predictable environment. -Charles Fay

Primary focus of Love and Logic

Is NOT to make kids behave and get good grades. Focus is on how to raise good PEOPLE, not people who LOOK GOOD. It is not about what they PRODUCE.

Primary focus of Love and Logic

The primary focus of parenting with Love and Logic is to dramatically increase the odds that kids will make good and healthy decisions when NO ONE is making them do it. -Charles Fay

Assignment

Think of a common argument that you get into with your child Write down how you usually handle this Write down your childs response Think of a new natural consequence that you can try

Love and Logic Resources

Conferences Workshops

Books
Videos www.loveandlogic.com

Teaching Children Responsibility Raise children who are self-confident, motivated, and ready for the real world with this win-win approach to parenting. Your children will win because theyll learn to solve their own problems while gaining the confidence they need to meet lifes challenges. And youll win because youll establish healthy controlwithout resorting to anger, threats, nagging or exhausting power struggles. Parenting with Love and Logic puts the fun back into parenting!

Unless youve got the finances to set your kids up with a lifetime trust fund, theyre going to end up spending most of their adult lives working. Wouldnt it be a great gift if your children grew up to enjoy workrather than dread it? Bosses are desperate for employees who understand: The importance of personal responsibility How to remain positive when the going gets tough That success comes from hard work and determinationrather than handouts

DVDs

Books

Prizes!

One-liner Favorite heart quote or Ah-ha moment

This book is filled with excellent short stories that provide you with easy to use techniques that can be put to use immediately. Covering all age ranges for Parents and Educators. Techniques for:

Avoiding Power Struggles Homework Eliminate Sibling Rivalry

Thank You