Chapter 10:

Personal
Relationsh
ip

Even before language was invented, prehistoric humans

were already interacting through many other forms of
behavior. They may have learn how to smile or greet each
other; show love, affection, and even loyalty to the group;
and hunt together for food.
Survival was the primary reason why human beings have
the fundamental need to belong.
Belonging to a group generates many benefits like having a
support system when you need some shoulder to cry on or
draw some strength from.

Researchers have found that relationship are essential to

ones happiness (Berscheid 1985; Berscheid and Reis;
1998; Larsen, Ommundsen, and van der Veer). On the other
hand, the absence of close relationships can produce a
profound negative effect on an individual who is deprived of
it, such a feeling worthless, powerless, and alienated.
Merriam Webster Online Dictionary define relationship as
the way in which two or more people, groups, countries
etc., talk to, behave toward, and deal with each other. the
definition is extended to include the way in which two or
more people or things are connected.

Personal Relationship is the type of relationship which is

closely associated with a person and which can only have
meaning to this person.
The very first meaningful relationship every human being
encounters is with ones mother.

A careless and non-caring pregnant mother can affect the

child in the womb, which may leave psychological and
emotional scars even before the child is born. Researchers
confirmed that emotional experiences of expectant
mothers, particularly strong emotions such as anger or
anxiety, which produce chemicals in the body such as
adrenaline, affect the child in the womb. Eventually the
infant grows up with a predisposition to anxiety as well.

1. Secure Attachments is when primary caregiver is most

of the time present ans available and when all the
emotional needs of an infant are met, providing a send of
security to the infant. Chances are, a child who is exposed
to this style of attachment will grow up to have more
secure and stable relationships.
2. Avoidant attachment is when the primary caregiver is
cold and detached, and even unresponsive to a child
needs. The child senses rejection and this often leads to
premature detachment and self reliance. A person who
experienced this style of attachment in infancy and
childhood will oftentimes experiecne unstable relationships
in the future.

3. Anxious - ambivalent attachment when the primary

caregiver is not consistent in terms of presence and in
meeting a childs emotional needs. Often, a person who
experienced this style of attachment in childhood may
develop separation anxieties with a loved one, or may have
mixed feelings between hesitancy and commitment when
entering into meaningful relationships.
Research shown that there is always hope for the adult who
received negative styles to change for the better,
particularly when experiencing genuine and transformative
adult love relationship.

Attraction - is the first stage in a continuum of stages that

lead to intimacy and commitment.
According to Helen Fisher of Rutgers University in
New Jersey attraction is primarily based on physiology or
certain hormones that person who get attracted to others
often pick up with their noses. Being attracted to another
person my also mean liking their genes that are perceived
through their physical looks.

1. Lust is driven by sex hormones, testosterone, and

estrogen. These hormones affect both sexes.
2. Attraction is described as the lovestruck phase, which
involves neurotransmitters in the brain such as dopamine,
neuropinephrine, and serotonin.
3. Attachment when the couple in love decides to continue
with the relationship, they enter attachment stage where
long lasting commitment are exchanged, and may lead to
raising a family.
Oxytocin is released during childbirth to help in breast
feeding and during orgasm, is believed to promote
intimacy; and vasopressin, which promotes long term
relationships.

Fisher concluded that since loving has a genetic basis, this

is a natural drive that is powerful as hunger.
Attraction also involves our unconscious assessment of
another persons genes through their physical appearance.
Pheromones an odorless chemical found in urine and
sweat, and can only be detected through an organ as the
nose, are also involved in the assessment of future mate,
this is an indication of a persons immune system.

1. Transference Effect There are times we meet people

who we immediately like or dislike. Usually, these people
remind us of someone in the past who has affected our
sense of self and our behavior. (Anderson, Reznik, and
Manzella 1996).
2. Propinquity Effect a research conducted by Festinger,
Schachter, and back in 1950 points to proximity as another
possible factor why we like a person. We often develop a
sense of familiarity with people who live close to us, work
with us, or go to school with us, which leads us to liking
them more.
3. Similarity we often like people who have similarities
with, such as social class background, religious beliefs,
age, and education.

4. Reciprocity - We like people who like us back. According to

research, reciprocity is a stronger basis for liking another person
than similarity. The more we are like, the more we behave in
ways that promote mutual feelings of liking.
5. Physical Attractiveness - is a major factor in liking someone,
and usually, first impression count a lot too. Both male and
female are equal in their preference for physical attractiveness.
6. Personality Characteristics and Traits - People get
attracted to two characteristics that lead to liking the other
person,
emphatic persons - who exude warmth and sympathy,
optimistic and maintain positive views.
Socially competent persons good communicators and enjoy
good conversations.

The definition of love is a feeling of deep affection, passion, or

strong liking for a person or thing. The American Heritage
Dictionary defines love as:
A strong feeling of affection and concern toward another
person, as that arising from kinship or close friendship;
A strong feeling of affection and concern for another person
accompanied by sexual attraction;
A feeling of devotion or adoration toward God or a god;
A feeling of kindness or concern by God or a God toward
humans; and
Sexual desire or activity: the pleasures of love, a night love.

1. Intimacy Researchers Reis, Clark and Holmes(2004),

and Reis and Shaver (1998) defined intimacy as that
lovely moment when someone understands and validates
us
John Joseph Powell, author of the book, The Secret of
Staying in Love) define intimacy as It is an absolute
human certainty that no one can know his own beauty or
perceive a sense of his own worth until it has been
reflected back to him in the mirror of another loving,
caring human being.
Communication is a key component in developing
intimacy, where self disclosure is practice which leads to
profound and meaningful conversations that nurture and
strengthen intimacy.

2. Commitment is an act of deciding to consistently fulfill

and live by agreements made with another person, entity,
or cause, and where the values of integrity and respect
serve as a guide to ones behavior and thinking.
3. Passion as defined in generic terms, is the intense state
of being that drives and consumes a person to pursue an
interest, a vision, or a person. In terms of romantic love,
passion connotes sexual attraction, as well as intimacy.
nonlove referred by Sternberg, the eight type of love is
the absence of the three components (intimacy,
commitment and passion)

Attraction serves as the first step toward liking someone,

and among all the basis of attraction that were discussed,
reciprocity(mutual liking) is what triggers a couple to move
toward romance and intimacy, and eventually, to
commitment.
Given the right ingredients such as compatible attachment
styles, physical attraction, and reciprocal liking, a couples
relationship may further nurtured by their constant
companionship, their openness, trust and sharing thoughts,
feelings, fears as well as joys.
Marriage ritual the couple may then decided to commit to
an exclusive relationship and eventually formalize the
relationship.

Commitment a continuing process of showing love and

care; fulfilling the promises or agreements made with each
other; and through bad times and good times, the
commitment stays firm and in place.
There is integrity in commitment because the word given
should mean something to the person making the
commitment.
Interdependency develops between two healthy
individuals who commit to be together and yet not lose
each others individuality.

1. Accumulation of all rewards of the relationship

considered as the most important determinant of
satisfaction in relationship, rewards of the relationship
include support from the partner; sexual satisfaction;
emotional, financial, and physical security; adventure and
novelty.
2. Temptation of alternative partners the presence of
possible alternatives for another partner can rock the
relationship and destabilize the commitment of a couple.
3. Investments made by the couple in the relationship
-important in maintaining commitment. These investments
may include time spent together, common beliefs and
experiences, mutual experiences with mutual friends, and
bearing children.

1. Criticism this happens when there is the absence of

unconditional positive regard for each other in a
relationship.
2. Denial of the existence of the conflict when one
party eludes the presence of a problem and refuses to
discuss it, as if belittling the problem, it will result in
frustration on the side of the other party.
3. Contempt like criticism, contempt is present when
someone who looks down on the party as inferior does not
give unconditional positive regard, and aggravates the
situation by expressing superiority over the other.
According to research (Rozenberg Quarterly), this is the
ultimate expression of disillusionment and highly
predictive of divorce or separation.

1. Be responsible for what you think and say to the other

person. Emotions should be considered when dealing with
other people. Being sensitive to these emotions will make a
person responsible for what is said, and accept the
consequences of how the other party will receive the
message.
2. Be responsible for what you promise to do or not to
do. Integrity is a key factor in relationships. Coupled
with trust, integrity in ones word means that you are reliable
and trustworthy. When credibility is questioned, a
relationship will not last long.
3. Ensure the relationship is mutually beneficial. Balanced
relationship are always mutually beneficial to both parties. It
is always good to have a give and take attitude for this
assures fairness and equality

4. Respect the other party or parties involved. Mutual

respect is also essential in a relationship. Giving respect to
each other is a common responsibility of any part involved in a
relationship.
5. Be ready to provide support when needed.
Relationships also thrive on the support given by one party to
another. Providing support, either financially, emotionally,
spiritually, or physically, strengthens the bond in a
relationship, as this is an expression of ones commitment to
the other party.
It is about the were in this together thing in a relationship.