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CHILDREN AND

DIVORCE
Zaid B. Malik, MD
Asst. Residency Training Director
Medical Director, PYA
Director C&L Service, ACH
INTRODUCTION
 Recent demographic trends indicate that
approximately one-half of marriages in the
United States end in divorce, with increasing
numbers of children living with an unmarried or
single parent .
 Approximately one-third of American children
will experience significant family instability and
grow up living with only one parent, especially if
they are poor and minority children
The Impact of Divorce on
Children
 While some parents may think or hope that their
conflicting or untoward behavior may have little
impact on the child, our clinical experience with
these children reveals the heartfelt sensitivity
and anguish that the child may feel.
Example
 one 5-year-old boy when discussing with the
child custody evaluator his experience in his
family, apprehensively stated, “My parents are
having a tug of war and I am the rope.” An 8-
year-old girl, after overhearing part of her
mother's angry telephone exchange with her
father, anxiously asked her mother, “Do you
hate the part of me that is Daddy?”
 Psychological risk to be at approximately two
times greater for children of divorce families as
compared to children from intact families.
 About 10% of children in married families had
serious psychological and social problems
compared to 20–25% of children from divorced
families
Short- and long-term effects of
divorce on children
 The initial period of separation is immensely
stressful for the majority of children and
adolescents, partially due to the fact that most
children are uninformed by their parents about
the separation or divorce
 A large number of children are unprepared for
their parents' separation and react with an acute,
intense sense of shock, disbelief, distress,
sorrow, anxiety, and anger
Developmental factors
 Preschool children :can experience regression,
intensified anxiety, fears and neediness, sleep
disturbances, and increased aggression.
 Middle school–aged children: may experience anxiety,
loneliness, and a sense of powerlessness. They may also
struggle with feelings of responsibility for the divorce,
conflicts of loyalty between the parents, and have
fantasies of reconciliation. Their school performance
and peer relationships may also be negatively affected.
 Adolescents: may experience acute depression,
intense anger, and anxiety about their own
future relationships. They may also withdraw
socially and accelerate their separation and
individuation process from the family.
Important To Remember:
 This acute response diminishes or disappears
over a period of 1 to 2 years.
 Interestingly, the initial responses of children
do not necessarily predict the longer term
consequences for psychosocial adjustment .
Longer term consequences
 Children of divorce are significantly more likely
to have externalizing problems such as conduct
disorder and antisocial behaviors, relationship
problems with peers, parents and authority
figures, academic problems, and internalizing
symptoms such as depression, anxiety, and low
self–esteem
 Other potentially long-term negative effects of
divorce include a significant decline in the
economic stability of their family and the loss
of important relationships with close friends
and extended family members, including
nonresident parents, who are typically the
fathers. As young adults, these children are at
risk for weaker marital relationships, earlier
pregnancies and lower socioeconomic
attainment
 The psychological impact of the divorce on any
individual child is dependent on a number of
risk and protective factors
 High levels of interparental conflict— whether
in the conflict of the marriage or in high
conflict divorce situations— appear to have an
especially negative influence on the
psychological adjustment of children
 Protective factors include a good relationship
with at least one parent or caregiver, parental
warmth, and the support of siblings and peers
 Interparental conflict, the psychological health
of the parents, and the quality of the parent–
child relationships appear to be among the most
important predictors of a child's adjustment to
divorce
A Role for Child Psychiatry and
Allied Disciplines
In this regard, the knowledge of how divorce
affects children and parents should be
disseminated not only among mental health
professionals but also among other professionals
who work with children
 Teachers, for example, need to be alerted to
these findings so they can be sensitive to any
changes in children's behavior and offer them
and their parents support and counsel about
ways they can cope with the changes in their
lives.
 Psychological support for parents and children
should be made available immediately when the
divorce proceedings begin.
Do's And Don'ts:
 The Do's
 · Do love your children as much as possible
Show them your love through words and actions.

 · Do tell your children divorce is not their fault


Tell your children this repeatedly, they need to hear it more than
once.

 · Do reassure your children that they will be safe


And let them know both parents will continue to provide for
them to the best of their ability.
 Do let your children know it is okay to love both Mom
and Dad as they did before the divorce
Let kids know the love they have for both parents doesn't have
to change.

 · Do support your children's relationship with their


other parent.
Inform the other parent of special events, school functions or
extracurricular activities whenever possible.

 · Do listen to your children.


Honor their feelings without judging, fixing or trying to change
how they feel. Remember, your children's' feelings don't have to
reflect your feelings
 · Do let children know it is okay to express those feelings.
Remember your children will need help learning safe and healthy ways to
express their feelings. Be sure to provide them with appropriate options.

 · Do reinforce that children are members of two homes.


Children should not be made to feel guilty or as if they have to
choose which is their "real" or "better" home.

 · Do help children feel like they have a home with both parents
regardless of the amount of time spent with each parent.
Make sure children feel they have a place in each home that belongs to
them even if it is only a section of a room. Giving children the
opportunity to offer input or add their own touches to their space can be
helpful.
 Do provide your children with
discipline, as well as love.
Children still need parents to provide structure
and limits especially during difficult times.
 Don'ts
 · Don't badmouth, judge or criticize your child's other parent.
Children literally view themselves as half Mom and half Dad therefore
when you attack the other parent you attack your child. This rule also
applies to stepparents and other significant adults in your child's life.

 · Don't expose your children to divorce details.


Rarely is it ever in the best interest of children to be exposed to
information regarding court matters, child support, financial concerns or
intimate details regarding your divorce Typically children feel very
confused and caught in the middle when parents expose them to adult
issues.
 · Don't use your children as messengers or spies.
Be responsible for finding some way to communicate with your
ex-spouse.

 · Don't retaliate when the other parent says or does


damaging things.
Retaliation or giving children "your side of the story" continues
the cycle of children feeling very confused and caught between
mom and dad. Instead choose to be supportive of your children
by using statements such as "I'm sorry you had to hear that" or "
How do you feel when this happens?"
 · Don't make your children responsible for making
adult decisions.
Children should not be place in the position of deciding
parenting schedules, where they will live or how to handle
household matters.

 · Don't allow your children to become your best friends


or confidants.
Children should not feel responsible for their parent's emotional
well being. Make sure you develop a supportive network and find
other caring adults to share your feelings with about the divorce.
 · Don't place blame when children ask why the
divorce happened.
Children should not be placed in the position of
judging or taking sides.

 · Don't withhold visitation if child support is


unpaid or fail to pay child support if the other
parent is withholding visitation.
Both actions are illegal and are viewed as separate
issues by the court.
 · Don't try to buy your child's love or out
buy the other parent.
While children enjoy gifts, they will remember
you for how you cherished them not for the
material things you bought them.
 Don't lose your sense of humor.
It comes in handy during stressful times
How to Help Your Children
 If possible, have both parents present when
telling children about the divorce.
Discuss what you will tell children before hand.
Also, keep explanations simple and avoid placing
blame. Use general statements such as Mom and
Dad can't live together anymore or Mom and
Dad have decided we would be happier living in
different homes.
 Tell your children that the divorce is not
their fault.
Children need to understand the decision to
divorce had nothing to do with them or their
behavior. Further kids should be told there is
nothing they can do to change what is
happening in the family nor is it their
responsibility to fix the family.
 Tell your children that you love them.
Make sure they understand the love shared
between a parent and child and is different than
the love shared between a husband and wife.
Kids need to know that the love you have for
them will last forever
 Reinforce it is okay to love both Mom and
Dad.
Children should not feel they have to take sides
or worry about losing the love of either parent.
 Give children details regarding how life will
change.
Answer questions such as where they will live
and with whom, when they will see each parent,
where will the other parent be, how they can
contact either parent, school arrangements,
involvement in activities etc.
 Tell children both parents will continue to be a
part of their lives.
Let children know what the parenting schedule will be
and how they can reach each parent. Inform children
that they can contact either parent when they feel they
need to talk with that parent. Also, if one parent
chooses not to be involved in a child's life, it is best not
to be dishonest with your child or misrepresent the
truth.
 Minimize changes in your children's lives as
much as possible.
Such as neighborhood, friends, school, activities
and contact with extended family members.
 Inform school and teachers about changes in the
family.
Provide school with necessary information regarding
the divorce such as who will be the primary contact,
changes in emergency numbers, who will pick children
up and when. Respect your children and remember to
be discrete about details. This will also help you steer
clear of the temptation to drag others into the drama
of your divorce.
Forging ahead...
 Continue to show your children you love
them through both words and actions.
 While you may tell your children with your
words that you love them they will need you
to back it up with action. As much as
possible be a parent who follows through
with commitments and is true to their word.
 Listen to your children.
Support their right to have feelings about what is
happening in their lives. Help your children find safe and
healthy ways to express these feelings.

Role model appropriate ways to deal with feelings.


Find healthy ways to deal with you feelings and help your
children develop safe ways to process their own feelings.
 Re-establish a sense of security by providing
structure, consistency as well as, lots of love.
Children will wonder about the possibility of being
divorced/abandoned by a parent (i.e. Are you going to
leave me like you left each other?). Therefore keeping
your word with children and following through with
plans, as well as, promises are very important. Bottom
line, don't just talk the talk; you also need to walk the
walk.
 Support your child's relationship with their
other parent.
Children need a relationship with both of their
parents. Remember, while a person may not be a
good marriage partner, they can still be an
excellent parent.
 Work on re-establishing a sense of family.
Develop new family traditions, rituals or
activities such as creating special ways to spend
the holidays, getting a family portrait or planning
a weekly family dinner night.

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