REVISING BUSINESS MESSAGES

NADEEM AHMED
Assistant Professor
Mohammad Ali Jinnah University,
Karachi.
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The Writing Process

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 Improving content and
sentence structure
Revising May involve adding,
cutting, and recasting.

Correcting grammar,
Proofreading spelling, punctuation,
format, and mechanics

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Memo Revised for Conciseness

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 Concise Wording

Revise your messages to eliminate flabby

expressions.
Instead of this Try this
We are of the opinion that We think
Please feel free to Please
In addition to the above Also
At this point in time Now
Despite the fact that Although

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 Limit Long Lead-Ins

Instead of this Try this

This memo is to inform
you that all employees All employees
meet today. meet today.

I am writing this letter

to say thanks to
everyone who voted.
Thanks to
everyone who
voted.
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 Drop Unnecessary Fillers

Revise sentences to avoid fillers such as there

is/was and it is/was when used merely to take
up space.
Instead of this Try this
There is only one
Only one employee
employee who should
should be promoted.
be promoted.

Lisa and Jeff were

It was Lisa and Jeff honored.
who were honored.
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Revise the following sentences to avoid flabby
expressions, long lead-ins, and unnecessary
there is/it is fillers.

This e-mail message is to A new health

inform you that there is a benefit plan is
new health benefit plan available for
available for employees. Quick
employees.
I would like to take thisCheck
We probably will
opportunity to inform win the contract.
everyone that in all
probability we expect to
win the contract. 8
 Revise the following sentences to achieve
conciseness.

In addition to the above, Two contracts are

there are two contracts also attached.
that are attached hereto.
Quick
Despite the fact that most Although most
Check
information is posted on information is posted
on the company
the company intranet,
intranet, please call
please feel free to call whenever necessary.
whenever necessary.
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 Remove Redundant Words

Avoid unnecessarily repetitious words. What

words could be omitted in these expressions?
advance warning necessary requisite
close proximity new beginning
exactly identical past history
filled to capacity refer back
final outcome serious danger

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 Remove Redundant Words
Avoid unnecessarily repetitious words. What
words could be omitted in these expressions?

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 Dump Trite Expressions

Trite and Outdated Modern

as per your request at your request
pursuant to your request at your request
attached hereto attached
under separate cover separately

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 Jargon
Avoid technical terms and special terminology
that readers would not recognize.

Computer Jargon Alternative

queue list of documents
waiting to be printed
export transfer data from one
program to another

bandwidth Internet capacity

Is jargon ever permissible?
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 Slang
Avoid slang (informal expressions with
arbitrary or extravagantly changed meanings).

to “bag on” to tease, to nag, or to

complain
clueless unaware, naïve
turkey someone stupid or silly
chill/chill out relax

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 Slang
That restaurant was a real barf-out.
(a displeasing place).
I met many amigos at Lever
Brothers. (friends).
"Help! We're completely out of
ammunition!" (toilet paper)
"I was hoping to get my homework
completed, but it's no biggie. " (sth
important)
"I made a booboo on the last
question of the exam." (a mistake)
"I'm completely bushed."
(completely tired)
"Why are you wearing such cheesy
clothes?" (cheap; outmoded)
“Pantene is totally cool!" (excellent;
superb )
"I've had enough of your crap." (lies)
"If you keep acting so dorky, you'll
never get a girlfriend!" (strange;
peculiar)
"That's really cool, dude!" (male)
"Dave gave a dynamite
presentation." (powerful; excellent)
"Bill Gates is kind of a geek."
(someone who works too hard, is more
intelligent than usual, and is slightly
unattractive )
"There must be a glitch in this
softwware." (flaw)
"This project is causing me to go
bananas!" (go slightly mad)
"It took a lot of guts to ask his boss
for a raise." (courage)
"I paid $10,000 for my computer.
What a rip off!" (fraud)
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 Clichés

Avoid clichés (overused expressions).

Substitute more precise words.
Instead of this Try this
Last but not least, you
should keep your nose Finally, you should
to the grindstone. work diligently.

We had reached the We could go no

end of our rope. further.

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 Clichés
above board - honest
across the board - all or everything
sweep the board - win everything
amateur - non-professional or un-
paid
apple of his eye/apple of your
eye/apple of my eye - a person
much adored or doted on
apple-pie bed - practical joke
(don't) throw the baby out with the
bath water - lose a good opportunity
as part of a bigger clear-out
take a back seat - have little or only
observational involvement in
something
bring home the bacon - achieve a
challenge, bring back the prize or
earn a living
save your bacon - to save from
injury or loss (material, reputation,
etc)
my bad/it's my bad - "It's my
fault/mistake"
battle of the bulge - diet/lose weight
get out of the wrong side of the
bed - be in a bad mood
bedlam - chaos
bite the bullet - do or decide to do
something very difficult
to have kissed the Blarney Stone -
possessing great persuasive ability
brass neck/brass-neck/brass
necked - boldness or
impudence/audacious, rude
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Revise the following sentences to avoid
redundancies, trite business expressions,
jargon, and slang.

Last but not least, the Finally, the

Quick
attorney referred back to
an exactly identical case.
attorney referred
to an identical
Check case.
With a little advance With warning, we
warning, we could have could have sold
sold out before our stocks out before our
tanked. stocks hit bottom.

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Revise the following sentences to avoid
redundancies, trite business expressions,
jargon, and slang.

Ms. Miller, who shoots Ms. Miller, who is

straight from the shoulder, straightforward,
demanded final completion demanded
by January 1. completion by
January 1.
Pursuant to your request, As you requested,
enclosed please find a a check for $150 is
check for $150. enclosed.
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 Buried Verbs
Revise verbs that have been
converted to nouns.

Look for words ending in

Tip tion or ment. Could they
be more efficiently and
forcefully converted to verbs?

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 Buried Verbs

Instead of this Try this

The manager came to The manager
the realization that realized that
telecommuting made telecommuting
sense.
made sense.
A job seeker must make A job seeker must
application before May apply before
1.
May 1.
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 Buried Verbs

Instead of this Try this

Once we have the Once we establish a
establishment of a Web site, our
Web site, our
business will grow. business will grow.

Please give serious

consideration to a Please seriously
company intranet. consider a company
intranet.
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 Control Exuberance
To sound credible, don’t overuse intensifiers
such as very, definitely, quite, completely,
extremely, really, actually, and totally

Excessive Businesslike
The manager is actually The manager is
quite pleased with your pleased with your
proposal because the proposal because
plan is definitely
the plan is
workable.
workable.
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 Precise Words
Revise your writing to include precise words.
Strive for specific verbs, concrete nouns, and
vivid adjectives. Beware of unclear pronouns.

Unclear More Precise

The man asked for a Jeff Jones asked for a 10
raise. percent salary increase.
An employee Safeer Ahmed, production
presented a manager, presented a
proposal.
plan to stagger hours.
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 Precise Words
Revise your writing to include descriptive,
dynamic adjectives instead of overworked,
all-purpose ones.

Instead of this Try this

They thought her The management council
report was good. thought Erin’s report was
factual and well written.

She said she would Seema said she would

get in touch. send you an e-mail.
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In the following sentences, unbury verbs and
control exuberance.

The seller said he The seller

you.
Quick
definitely would contact promised to e-mail
(telephone or fax)
Check
you.
We must give We must
encouragement to our encourage our
team. team.

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In the following sentences, unbury verbs and
control exuberance.

Moviegoers actually show Moviegoers prefer

a total preference for buttered popcorn.
buttered popcorn.
Please make an Please assess the
assessment of the home’s home’s value.
value.
Ann made a suggestion Ann suggested
that we hire Lee. that we hire Lee.
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Designing Documents for
Readability

Employ white space.

 Headings

 Short paragraphs

 Ragged-right margins

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 Designing Documents for
Readability

Choose appropriate typefaces.

Serif typefaces have small features at
ends of strokes. Useful for body text.
Times New Roman
Century
Georgia
Garamond
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 Designing Documents for
Readability

Choose appropriate typefaces.

Sans serif typefaces are cleaner without
features. Useful for headings, signs, and
noncontinuous reading material.
Arial
Tahoma
Verdana
Calibri
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 Designing Documents for
Readability

Use bulleted and numbered lists.

 Break up complex information into
smaller chunks.
 Use numbered lists for sequences.
 Use bulleted lists for items that don’t
require a certain order.

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 Designing Documents for
Readability
Use a numbered list for instructions.
Instead of this Try this
To clean the printer, you To clean the printer, do
should do the following. the following:
First, you should
1. Disconnect the power
disconnect the power
cord.
cord. Then you open the
front cover, and the 2. Open the front cover.
printer area should be 3. Clean the printer with
cleaned with a soft cloth. a soft cloth.

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 Designing Documents for
Readability
Organize information with column headings.
Instead of this Try this
On April 3 we will be in Date City Speaker
Toledo, and the speaker is
Troy Lee. On May 20 we April 3 Toledo Troy
will be in Detroit, and the Lee
speaker is Sue Wu. May 20 Detroit Sue Wu

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 Designing Documents for
Readability
Use letters to list items within sentences.
Strive for parallelism.

Instead of this Try this

Our team constantly tries Our team constantly
to achieve our goals,
tries to (a) achieve our
customer service must be
goals, (b) improve
improved, and our
production targets must customer service, and
be met. (c) hit our production
targets.
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 Designing Documents for
Readability
Use paragraph headings to improve
organization and readability.
Instead of this Try this
The next topic is
Vacations. A new
vacations. A new vacation
schedule will be available vacation schedule will
on May 1. be available on May 1.
To assist employees, we Flextime. To assist
will begin a flex schedule employees, we will begin
in the fall. a flex schedule in the
fall. 35
 Arrange the following in a concise, bulleted
vertical list.

In the next training The next training

session, the trainer session will
will demonstrate how Quick
demonstrate
to create podcasts,
how to share multiple Chec
• Creating podcasts
• Sharing multiple
programs, and how to
maintain an Internet
k
programs
directory. • Maintaining an
Internet directory
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 Improve the readability of the following
instructions that will become part of a
student’s employment booklet.

In preparing for an employment You can prepare for

studying the job description.Quick

interview, you should begin by interviews by doing the
following:
• Study the job
Itemizing your most strategic
Check
skills and qualifications is also description.
important. Giving responses in • Itemize your most
a mock interview is another strategic skills and
good practice technique. Last, qualifications.
you should be prepared to ask • Practice giving
relevant questions. responses
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in a mock interview.
 What to Watch for
in Proofreading

Spelling
Grammar
Punctuation
Names and numbers
Format

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Proofreading Marks

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 How to Proofread
Complex Documents

 Allow adequate time.

 Print a copy, preferably double-spaced.
 Be prepared to find errors.
 Read once for meaning and once for
grammar/mechanics.
 Reduce your reading speed.

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 How to Proofread
Complex Documents
For documents that must be perfect:
 Have someone read aloud the original while
someone else checks the printout.
 Spell names.
 Spell difficult words.
 Note capitalization.
 Note punctuation.

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