+

Sexual Identity and the Family:

A Family Systems Perspective
A presentation by: Brooke Brown
As
+ families change, society is changing
 Being gay is a relatively new and unique cultural category in history.

 “Witnessing not a fragmentation of traditional family patterns, but rather

the emergence of pluralism in family ways.” (Harevan, 1982, pp. 463)

 Both heterosexuals and homosexuals have more choice: less heterosexuals are
having children and more homosexuals are (Blumstein and Schwartz, 1983).
 Until recently, “gaybies” were born in straight marriages that later ended in divorce
 Lesbian baby boom of the 1990’s: donor insemination, co-parenting with gay male, or
adoption (often overseas because other countries are not as selective with parents)

33% of women and 22%

of men who identified as
being in a same sex
couple had at least one
child in the house
(Simmons and O’Connell,
2003).
 Why are same-sex families important
+
to study?

 Examining same-sex families “can teach us important things about other families,
about parenting, about adaptation to tensions in this society, and especially
about strength and resilience.” (Laird, 203, pp. 284)

 They are not abandoning mainstream culture. They are bicultural, carrying on
most traditional aspects of family, but also have their own culture due to
homophobia.

 Coming out is now becoming a family affair: more kids than ever are coming out
while still at home.
+ Possible items to address in therapy
with LGBTQ person
 Gay youth often act out to manage their pain
(Linville and O’Neil, 2009).

 In adolescence, assume heterosexuality (i.e.

“I am normal, but I have abnormal feelings.
My feelings are wrong”).

 Internalized homophobia: Some believe it is

a not a choice, but rather a negative part of
themselves they must accept (de
Monteflores, 1986). Hostility from others
and self.

 Legal sanction, social stigmatization,

heterosexism, isolation, and humiliation
from community. Still struggling with their
identity in a hostile world.
+

 Extended family members that do not support and/or

validate homosexuality and family pattern.
 Many still defined as single by their “family-of-origin” (Laird,
2003).

 Families cannot understand oppression and isolation gay

individual feels.
 According to Bowen, membership in family systems persists
regardless of distance or cutoff

 Unlike other minority groups, sexual minorities often

cannot (and do not) expect their families to accept or
tolerate their identity.

 Secrecy is “psychologically handicapping” to many

homosexuals. Homosexuality is a core part of their being,
whether one declares it or not.
 Rejection OR living a lie.
+

 Not many role models for LGBTQ community, especially for parents.

 “Master-status”: all of one’s life surrounds being homosexual in the community.

 More economic hardship than families headed by heterosexual parents.

 “Coming out” is essential to homosexual’s identity development and integrity of

couple’s relationship (although more complicated in BTQ spectrum).
 Although, gay identity evolves over a person’s life.

 LGBTQ persons were not trained in childhood for the the lifestyle they would grow
up to live (same of straight people who take a different path from family).
+ Possible items to address in therapy
with LGBTQ couple
 Fusion: believed to be a large problem in lesbian
couples (mutual overdependence) because of female
socialization.
 Hypersensitive to feelings of others and not enough of to
her own. Although creates strong sexual and emotional
intimacy, it discourages differentiation.
 Huge demands on the relationship. Leads to increased
conflict and diminishing sexual interest.
 Selflessness such a bad thing?

 Lesbians value both attachment and autonomy:

contradictory.
 In Blumstein and Schwartz’s study
+ (1983), 82% of gay males had been
non-monogamous (compared to 33%,
28%, and 24%). Shows gender
socialization.
 Tricking: have sex without emotional
involvement. Removes serious threat to
gay men’s relationships. Sexual affairs are
not related to gay men’s overall happiness
or commitment.
 However, AIDS has shaped a trend toward
more sexual exclusivity (Laird, 2003).

 “Gender sameness” can be valuable

and problem causing for relationships
(Blumstein and Schwartz, 1983).
 e.g. Task distribution (less efficient, but
more free and egalitarian)

 Falling into traditional gender roles,

especially a problem for gay male
couples.
+

 Stress from lack of everyday family and community support.

 Initial expectations are extremely high:
 Years of loneliness in the closet
 Excitement of being with someone of the same sex (e.g. “They get me!”)

 Merge lives fast, and when initial passion diminishes, it is extra disappointing.
 Often, couples are together while still finding their sexual identity completely. Can
cause conflict, especially regarding openness in the community.
 Fear of closeness (trust issues) after years of being in the closet (Ritter, 2009).
 Might be alienated from community, so only have each other (therapist must
determine if this is a survival mechanism).
 Possible items to address in therapy
+
with LGBTQ family
 Not many role models for LGBTQ families.
Must create own norms for the family.

 Adapting to different family forms (e.g. blended

families from previous heterosexual marriages)
and explaining family makeup to community.

 Lack a language to term family members (e.g.

Mom 1 and Mom 2?)
 Positive spin: free to invent own language
that is suitable to individual experiences.
 Legal sanction, social stigmatization,
heterosexism, isolation, and
humiliation from community.
 Some are still denied rights to
their children.

 Others might project homophobic fears

onto a child of gay parents.
Possible items to address in
+
therapy with LGBTQ family-of-origin
 Conflicts with family’s religious beliefs.

 Family-of-origin is often the last group of people LGBTQ

persons come out to (Laird, 2003).
 Denial might preserve family harmony and privacy, but it undermines the intimacy and
authenticity in the family. It also reinforces the idea that being gay is wrong.

 Most families do not wish for gay children because of the scrutiny their child (and
they themselves) might face (e.g. HIV-infected man’s family)

 Poses challenges to life they pictured for their children (e.g. mother of lesbian
might believe her daughter needs a man to survive).
 Realization that child belongs to a different culture. Powerful.

 Some question their own parenting and believe that they could have controlled
child’s sexual identity (e.g. discourage stereotypical gender behavior).

 Sticky triangles or problematic coalitions if open with certain family members, but
not others.
 What therapists can do
+ FOR LGBTQ PERSONS
 Recognize their traditional
heterosexual bias (Ritter, 2009).
 Help LGBTQ person and family to
evaluate negative messages they
receive from the culture.
 Provide a broader perspective on the
issues the LGBTQ person is facing.
 Will adverse life effects be the
explanation for failure of personal
goals or the impetus for increased
effort to attain these goals?
 Be sensitive and not underestimate
cultural and developmental variables.
 Avoid categorization: just because a
woman has a girlfriend does not mean
she is lesbian
FOR LGBTQ
FAMILIES-OF-ORIGIN
 Help family members decide
for themselves what they
believe (Fish and Harvey,
2009).
 If there are differing beliefs,
facilitate an open dialogue
among family members.
 Encourage families to
nurture gay youth’s growth
and development.
 Teach families the facts (i.e.
how common these feelings
are, gender myths, etc.)
 Contrary to popular myth…
+Homosexuals are just as likely to be in relationships as heterosexuals.


 Gender expression and sexual preference are not inseparable.

 In spite of social stigmatization, children from same sex parents develop

the same way as children from heterosexual parents do (Hastings et al., 2005).
 No large differences in gender development, socialization, and relationships with peers
(Golombok et al., 2003).
 When differences were found, it favored same sex parents (Linville and O’Neil, 2009) .

 Single parenthood and divorce leads to more dysfunction regardless of sexual

orientation. It affects children with gay and straight parents the same. (Tasker
and Golombok, 1997).

 Parent sexual orientation has little impact of child’s sexual development, gender
expression, sexual identity, and sexual preferences.
 In fact, female children of lesbian mothers reported greater psychological femininity.

 Lesbians are not man-haters. Research actually shows that lesbians have more
contact with male family than heterosexual women.

 Sexual abuse is not correlated with homosexual parents.

Silver lining
+
 Higher levels of cohesion, adaptability,
and satisfaction than heterosexual
couples (Zacks, Green, and Marrow,
1988).

 More tolerance, more flexibility, more

affection, and more responsiveness in
families headed by lesbian parents
(Johnson and O’Connor, 2001).

 Despite negative social conditions

(minority stress) and lack of social
support, homosexual couples endure
and are often as stable as
heterosexual couples.

 Many LGBTQ persons easily move

between gay networks and larger
community (perhaps get the best of
both worlds).
+

 “You can’t pick your family.” Well, in gay families, you do!
 Much broader definition of what constitutes a couple or family
 There is no normative structure for a gay family.
 Partners and friends (not family members) are usually the primary support
 Only if person values family-of-origin’s opinion does it greatly affect his/her outlook
 Family-of-origin support is not crucial, because family is often created.

 Often blend values of their family-of-origin with their lifestyle.

 Grandchildren often softens family homophobia.

+ Diversity within homosexuality
 LGBTQ persons have very different experiences depending on:
 Sexual preference
 Culture
 Ethnicity (e.g. black person embracing gay culture might be seen as betraying ethnic
culture)
 Availability of gay and lesbian community
 Family of origin
 Social class (e.g. upper class homosexuals tend to be more secretive and anxious
about their lifestyle)

 There is not one, monolithic gay community. As diverse as straight communities.

 A resource for anchoring one’s identity and seeking cultural guidance.

 Some LGBTQ persons are completely comfortable in an entirely heterosexual

community (assimilationists). Could constrain individuality, but provides comfort.

 Some want to be in an entirely separate community (separatists).

+Most research has been done on Issues in Research

families headed by lesbians who
are white, urban, well-educated,
 Must explore if the life cycle is
different for gay and lesbian
and middle-class.
families (beginning to do this).
 “Gay pride has not caught up with Existing life cycle models are
the research,” (Laird, p. 319) already heavily criticized.
If something goes right in a gay

family, it proves that they are
 Heterosexist bias in research
normal. (Everyone who is not
heterosexual is abnormal.)
 If something goes wrong, it is
blamed on their homosexuality.
 Laird (2003) argues that
 Hard to study because LGBTQ Bowen’s intergenerational
persons have flourished in theory and concept of triangles
secrecy. are not fluid enough for families
 What are they doing, and how are developed by choice.
they doing it?
 Cultural bias: individualistic (e.g.
 Theories are gendered: biased fusion in lesbian relationships.
towards male heterosexual norms No real research done on this.)
 References
+
 Blumstein, P. & Schwartz, P. (1983). American couples: Money, work, sex. New York: William Morrow.

 De Monteflores, C. (1986). Notes on the management of difference. In T.S. Stein & C.J. Cohen (Eds.),
Contemporary perspectives on psychotherapy with lesbians and gay men (pp. 73-101). New
York: Plenum Press.

 Fish, L.S. & Harvey, R.G. (2009). Gay and lesbian youth.

 Golombok, S., Perry, B., Burston, A., Murray, C., Mooney-Somers, J., Stevens, M., & et al. (2003). Children with
lesbian parents: A community study. Developmental Psychology, 39, 20–33.

 Hareven, T.K. (1982). American families in transition: Historical perspectives on change. In F. Walsh (Ed.),
Normal family processes (1st ed., pp. 446-466). New York: Guilford Press.

 Hastings, P. D., Vyncke, J., Sullivan, C., McShane, K. E., Benibgui, M., & Utendale, W. (2005). Children’s
development of social competence across family types. Ottawa, Ontario, Canada: Department of
Justice, Canada: Family, Children and Youth Section.

 Johnson, S. M. & O’Connor, E. (2001). Lesbian and gay parents: The national gay and lesbian family study (APA
Workshop 2). San Francisco: American Psychiatric Association Press.

 Laird, J. (2003). Lesbian and Gay Families. In F. Walsh (Ed.), Normal family processes (2nd ed., pp. 282-320).
New York: Guilford Press.

 Linville, D. & O’Neil, M. (2009). Same-sex parents and their children.

+
 Patterson, C.J. & Hastings, P. D. (2008). Socialization in the context of family diversity. Handbook of
socialization: Theory and research, 433-460.

 Ritter, K. (2009). Therapeutic issues for same-sex couples.

 Simmons, T. & O’Connell, M. (2003). Married-couple and unmarried-partner households: 2000. Washington, DC:
U.S. Bureau of the Census.

 Tasker, F. L. & Golombok, S. (1997). Growing up in a lesbian family: Effects on child development. New York:
Guilford Press.

 Zacks, E., Green, R-J., & Marrow, J. (1988). Comparing lesbian and heterosexual couples on the circumplex model:
An initial investigation. Family Process, 27, 471-484.