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DeMons

in My
Mind
DeMons
in My
Mind

AASHISH GUPTA
Notion Press
Old No. 38, New No. 6
McNichols Road, Chetpet
Chennai - 600 031

First Published by Notion Press 2017


Copyright © Aashish Gupta 2017
All Rights Reserved.

ISBN XXX-XX-XXXXX-XX-X

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Contents

Preface����������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������� vii

Acknowledgements��������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������� ix

Chapter 1 | The Story of Three Monks����������������������������������������������������������������������������������1

Chapter 2| The Unthinkable�����������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������3

Chapter 3 | The Beginning of an End�����������������������������������������������������������������������������������11

Chapter 4 | An Indestructible Bond (7 years later)�����������������������������������������������������������15

Chapter 5 | The Alter Ego�������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������19

Chapter 6 | Three Wishes�������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������26

Chapter 7 | A trip to the fair���������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������31

Chapter 8 | An Unwanted Guest�������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������34

Chapter 9 | The Escape������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������41

Chapter 10 | A Deafening Silence�����������������������������������������������������������������������������������������49

Chapter 11 | Day 1: The Ghost of Christmas Past�������������������������������������������������������������53

Chapter 12 | Day 2: A Long Night����������������������������������������������������������������������������������������57

Chapter 13 | Day 3: The Promise�������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������63

Chapter 14 | Day 4 & 5: The Evanescent Peace�����������������������������������������������������������������67


Chapter 15 | Day 6 & 7: An Encounter in the Groves������������������������������������������������������71

Chapter 16 | Day 8 & 9: ‘I told you Ayeda – he will just watch you die.’��������������������75

Chapter 17 | Day 10: The Murderer��������������������������������������������������������������������������������������79

Chapter 18 | The Lethal Mind������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������85

Chapter 19 | Show 1: Birth of a Woman������������������������������������������������������������������������������91


viContents

Chapter 20 | Show 2: Modern Woman�������������������������������������������������������������������������������100

Chapter 21 | Show 3: Revenge of a Woman����������������������������������������������������������������������113

Chapter 22 | Final Show: The Sinful Woman�������������������������������������������������������������������122

Chapter 23 | The Infected Mind�������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������138

Chapter 24 | The Beginning of an End(Diary pages are italicized)�����������������������������143

Chapter 25 | The Beautiful Ira���������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������148

Chapter 26 | Knowing Thyself; Knowing Each Other����������������������������������������������������153

Chapter 27 | A Wind of Destruction����������������������������������������������������������������������������������158

Chapter 28 | The Night at the Fort��������������������������������������������������������������������������������������166

Chapter 29 | Transition����������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������170

Chapter 30 | The Prison���������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������173

Chapter 31 | Poorvachakra���������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������179

Chapter 32 | Madhyachakra (a year after the incident)�������������������������������������������������189

Chapter 33 | Antarchakra������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������198

Chapter 34 | A proposal and a vow������������������������������������������������������������������������������������204

Chapter 35 | The Island (25 years later)�����������������������������������������������������������������������������211

Chapter 36 | Alia���������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������217

Chapter 37 | The Beginning of an End�������������������������������������������������������������������������������234

Chapter 38 | The Devil�����������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������238

Chapter 39 | Night 1: The Orchestra Begins���������������������������������������������������������������������243

Chapter 40 | Night 2&3: Drip Drop Drip��������������������������������������������������������������������������250

Chapter 41 | Night 4 & 5: The Incubus������������������������������������������������������������������������������268

Chapter 42 | Night 6: The Iron Shoe�����������������������������������������������������������������������������������283

Chapter 43 | Night 7: The Squeaking Creatures��������������������������������������������������������������287

Chapter 44 | Night 8 & 9: Full Recall����������������������������������������������������������������������������������292

Chapter 45 | Night 10: Redemption������������������������������������������������������������������������������������305

Chapter 46 | Birth of the Three Monks������������������������������������������������������������������������������313


Preface

W
hen I was six, I had this dream every single night - very
ordinary, yet so haunting. I chased a small pebble sliding
along a mountain slope. It was a happy, fun dream to begin
with. And then, it changed. The small pebble snowballed into a giant
rock collecting sand as it rolled down the mountain, and I became the
one being chased. I used to wake up and scream. I screamed because
even though I was awake, I could still see the rock chasing me. Many
years later, I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder. The dream had
become a reality. Every pebble-sized problem in life seemed like a giant
rock. One day I chased the problem. Next day, the problem chased me,
and kept chasing me forever – becoming bigger and bigger, collecting
the sand of time. Small battles with the mind every day turned into big
unceasing wars.
This book is dedicated to those who are fighting similar wars with
the mind. I want to tell them, no one can understand our struggles
better than us. This book is a message that you are not alone.
Acknowledgements

T
hank you, Kanika Bhatt, for giving me the first push into
writing this book and making me believe that I am more than
what my day job makes me.
Himanshu Johari, you deserve a special mention here for you
have always supported me whole-heartedly in everything that I have
ever tried to achieve. I know you have been a part of this book right
from the first word, and read all its versions tirelessly. But hey, it’s
finally out. We made it!
Saumya Sinha, Ketki Pandey and Ajay Kataria, you people
have always been there when I desperately needed a hand to hold. You
have played an important part in completing this book.
Mom and Dad, despite knowing little about my work and
aspirations, you have shown blind faith in my abilities and stood by
my side in the test of times. I know you have been through some real
hardships in raising me and I can’t thank you enough for that.
Anu, my sweet wife, and partner in all crimes: Thank you for
believing in my passion and driving me through all the rejections. I am
lucky to have you.
Thank you, Ayush Saxena, Achint Aggarwal, and Prateek
Bhajanka, for patiently supporting me in the publishing process. I
know you guys will continue to play a big role in taking this book
forward.
Some burnt, others rot, and many fell slaves to this mind,
Never had I faced an enemy of this kind,
The ones who could conquer were very few,
From its wrath…even the Gods won’t save you
Chapter 1

The Story of Three Monks

I
n the heart of Sirubari village in Nepal lived Dakshesh and his
family. Dakshesh was an old man known in every house for his
good deeds. Despite having to look after five children, and being
merely a poor farmer, Dakshesh always tried to do his best to help
those less fortunate than him.
Unable to treat him from a rare cancerous growth in his lungs, the
family lamented the unrelenting pain and suffering the old man was
going through. Yielding to such trying times in his last days he begged
for death, but none in the village had the audacity to commit the most
heinous yet godly act of putting his eyes to rest. The old man failed to
see any other avenue of relief and wished he be taken to ‘The Three
Monks.’
The entire village fell in despair from the old man’s wish. No one
knew where the three monks lived or if they even existed. They had
only heard rumours of them, and stories of the miraculous healing
and life transformations they offered. These stories were narrated
in sung poetries by the village octoganarians. Despite the dearth of
believable evidence, the legacy of the three monks had survived the
test of time. People shared stories of them for sheer amusement and
sometimes conjured random witnesses to keep the faith ticking. Some
said they lived under the sea, while others believed they resided deep
2 Demons in My Mind

in the jungle. Those who could not stick to one philosophy propagated
the idea of ‘travelling monks,’ who traversed the globe to help people
facing the most harrowing circumstances. But all the stories agreed on
one thing: the biggest challenge was not figuring out where to reach
them; rather, it was finding out who, if anyone, could. Only the one
who was chosen could meet them.
Some of the holiest places on Earth were considered to be a part
of a spiritual network transmitting messages and prayers of those
suffering to the three monks. There was one such spot on the banks of
Bagmati in the eastern part of Kathmandu, a tree in the shelter of the
Pashupatinath temple. Thousands of people came with their woes, but
none in decades was ever heard of meeting the three monks.
One day, the villagers decided to take a leap of faith and carried
the old man on his cot to the holy tree. Hoping that Lord Shiva will
take care of his salvation if their attempt turns out to be just another
travesty, they left the place with a heavy heart. They agreed that they
would come back to see him after two days. Until then, he would be
left in total isolation. Any breach of the order would have attracted an
eternal damnation.
In the full moon night, the shrieking silence of Himalayas was
punctuated by frequent cries of Dakshesh. The only human caricatures
in sight were the shadows of chanting aghori sadhus who blithely
smoked in the name of Shiva, unperturbed by the old man’s presence.
Chapter 2

The Unthinkable

W
hen Dakshesh opened his eyes, he discovered that he was
in a monastery. It was built amidst the glaciers of the
Himalayas. The place was in ruins, but a small part of it
had been mended to make it habitable. The monastery had beautifully
crafted windows to keep it sufficiently bright and airy. Scented oil
sticks pervaded the hall with a heavenly fragrance.
The old man wondered where he was and how had he reached there.
As he cleared his vision, he was awestruck by the sight of two monks
sitting on a porch in a pensive state. They had their bodies wrapped
in long robes dampened with freezing lake water. Dakshesh had never
witnessed such a suicidal way of practicing meditation before. Soon
enough he felt a sharp pain in his chest making him cognizant of his
pitiful condition.
‘How can I be of service, sir?’ said a third monk seated beside him.
The old man opened his mouth but only to exhale air.
‘Are you the three monks our forefathers spoke of?’ asked the old
man with great effort. His words were barely comprehensible.
‘When we brought you here we were afraid you might not see the
light again. The frigid mountains can engulf even the brawniest of us.’
‘But are you the same...’ the old man tried to ask again but was
interrupted by the monk.
4 Demons in My Mind

‘But they are right to say that one never chooses how to die but
only how to live.’
As Dakshesh screeched in pain, the monk reached out and
massaged his chest with his warm hands. The warmth provided him a
transient relief.
‘What is it that you come for?’ asked the monk.
‘I have…’ the old man began to cough incessantly. The monk gave
him some water and herbs to clear his throat. Dakshesh continued. ‘I
have sacrificed my whole life to bring joy to other people, but…’
‘But? But what?’
‘I have had only one wish in return.’
‘And what is that?’
‘I wanted to die the sweetest death possible.’
‘You must know what that would be like.’
The old man nodded. ‘My whole life I imagined closing my eyes
gently with a smile on my lips as my soul leaves my body.’ Tears trickle
down his wrinkled cheeks as words start coming out.
‘Then what stops you from enjoying that death?’
‘I feel a thousand spiders spitting venom in my body with every
breath. My agony has crippled my very soul.’ There was a brief pause
as Dakshesh sobbed. The monk spoke again only when he thought the
time was right.
‘Sir, no matter how much I try to empathize with you, the truth
remains that pain is physical, and suffering is only mental. And you…
suffer.’
Aashish Gupta 5

‘Sir, why do you mock my grief? My afflictions are not self-created,’


said the old man hesitatingly as he raised his voice a little. The monk
noticed the glitter fading in Dakshesh’s eyes.
‘I mean no disrespect to you, sir. I intended to say: pain is physical,
but its intensity is mental,’ said the monk. ‘Do you see my friends under
the porch?’ said the monk pointing towards the other two monks.
‘Look at them carefully. Do you think they are physically capable of
conquering this unendurable cold with a robe soaked in freezing lake
water enfolding them? How are their circumstances different from
yours, and yet you squeal in pain while they not even shiver?’ The
monk continues – ‘Look around you…few men have ever stepped in
this part of the Himalayan belt. The weather here is both cold and dry,
making human survival not just impossible but unthinkable. Yet, here
is a diseased old man surviving in such thin air. How do you explain
that?’
Dakshesh’s wheezing slowed down.
‘What propels you is your absolute desire to meet us. A desire that
arises from your determined mind and your unshakeable faith in us.’
‘My desire to overcome this pain is equally profound,’ said
Dakshesh.
‘But you believe that someone else has the cure, not you.’
‘I have no control over nature.’
‘And what makes you think we do?’
‘You are the Three Monks. Stories have been told of you for
generations. People say you have mystical powers that can heal
anyone,’ said the old man, vexed by both pain and the monk’s words.
The hall echoed with the laughter of three monks. The feeble
old man, now disgruntled by their apathy, began to feel increasingly
6 Demons in My Mind

helpless. As impotent he was, there was little he could do. He bowed


his head and pleaded for mercy. The guffaws ceased with his piteous
gesture.
The first monk appeared and muffled Dakshesh with his robe.
The warmth of the cloth left the old man flabbergasted. The second
monk swaddled him in the same fashion. Dakshesh was snug in the
two robes that covered him impeccably from head to toe. The old man
raised his head and for the first time saw all three of them up close.
Their impenetrable eyes and inscrutable countenance gave little way.
Stupefied by the mystery of warm robes the old man was left gawking.
Before he could speak, the first monk broke the silence.
‘Tummo, the practice of releasing body heat, is just one of the
many mental faculties most people remain unaware of. The ignorance
of mankind and its blind faith has always amused us.’
‘But faith is what keeps us alive,’ said Dakshesh.
‘Faith is a mere manifestation of a more powerful force.’
‘What is that?’
‘Our minds,’ replied the monk. ’Our minds are what create illusions
of faith to achieve their purpose. If God is considered to be one of the
many forms of faith, then a controlled mind will create God to unite
people and extend peace. A helpless mind will create God in times of
sorrow and loneliness. An uncontrolled mind will kill people in the
name of God.
I regret to say that you have already fallen for the fallacies of your
uncontrolled mind. When a person falls into this trap, only he can help
himself.’
‘If I could, I would have’ Dakshesh said.
Aashish Gupta 7

‘Sir, you think too highly of us. I am afraid there is nothing we can
do for you. We are a bunch of disgraced people.’
‘I don’t understand.’
‘We are in this inaccessible corner of the world because we want to
hide from our own people.’
‘Why? What did you do?’
‘We have committed some of the most abominable crimes mankind
has ever witnessed.’
‘What kind of crimes?’ asked the old man. His heart thumped in
fear.
‘A story like ours is not easy to tell,’ said the monk.
‘I would like to hear it,’ Dakshesh insisted.
The (first) monk looked him in the eyes and drew himself closer
to Dakshesh. He moved his mouth closer to his ears and whispered –
‘Your tender state is incapable of handling it, and once you
do hear it, there is no looking back.’
‘There is little left in my life. Maybe this is how it ends,’ said the old
man. There was a long silence.
The monk closed his eyes, deep in thought. His fellows looked at
him, worried. Finally, he opened his eyes and nodded, assured.
The old man was made comfortable on his cot. The monk began
the tale – ‘I still remember that drizzly afternoon in school…’
The
Murderer

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